Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Oh my dear, it sounds like you've got a harem husband. I've seen this before.

A friend of the family going through a hard time, she's "poor so and so" and they take her and the DC under their wing. As you say, the boundaries get blurred between the families, and the husband gets off on the idea of having his very own tribe. It did not end well.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. They may or not be having a physical affair, but YANBU. In your shoes I'd be doing some investigation. 💐

Your dh is a gaslighting bastard basically and the woman he loves is not you and she's not your friend.
Plain enough?

Oops, english a bit wrong there.
The woman he loves is not you and she is not a friend to you.

Everyone has told you this is not on and although I haven’t read all the responses I have to agree with responses your getting.
Your husband is being really disrespectful ignoring your feelings like this, sounds like he is also getting some sort of kick out of the situation . Your friend if she really was one would definitely tack a far step back Question now is do you intend to do anything about the situation or let it carry on.

You won't get any balanced comments about male and female friendships on here, as the overwhelming opinion swings to hilariously 1950s ideas like 'going to the cinema with an opposite-sex friend = date' etc.

However, in your case, I think whether or your your husband is romantically attracted to/actually sexually involved with your joint best friend is a bit of a red herring -- your marriage clearly isn't in a good place. (I mean, neither is hers, clearly, but that's not your problem.) Do you even want to stay married to someone who seems bored by and uninterested in you, and gets annoyed if you say you feel unloved and invisible?

There's something odd about the way you describe your friendship with her, and your husband's, too -- you say she's 'mainly' your best friend and you repeat several times that you trust her implicitly, but you say that your husband 'also counts her as his best friend'. It sounds slightly like a love triangle where you and your DH are competing for the friendship of the same person and trying to stamp her as 'mainly' yours?

Also, if she really is your best friend, haven't you ever talked to her about this?

Why did you invite her on holiday? Was it your idea, and was it because otherwise you would have been on holiday with someone who doesn't seem to be that nice to you? That your friend is in some ways a useful third wheel in a creaking marriage?

Thing is, as your friend, she should not be meeting up, having close chats or lunching with each other. She should be feeling uncomfortable about it.
Your husband is treating you so badly, so disrespectful, no one deserves that. If he won't discuss it with you, I really think you should give him an ultimatum.
Same goes for this friend, tell her how it makes you feel and how he talks to you like shit, if she carries on then there probably is something behind it.

But the complicating factor is that she seems equally the OP's DH's longtime friend. That seems to me the unusual factor here, that two spouses seem to be competing for the affections of the same person, regardless of whether their motivations are platonic or sexual...?

The man has two wives!! And you’re telling me polygamy is illegal in this country?

I feel for you OP, this is not the stuff a good marriage is made of. While your husband is shutting you down and disregarding your concerns, your so called friend is also not honouring your marriage. She needs to step way back. Have a serious chat with her. Also get someone (your husband’s man-friend) to talk to him.

The trouble is, because your friend seems to be in a joyless marriage, she seems to have found a shoulder to lean on, in your husband. So she might be reluctant to back off. This has to stop as soon as yesterday! Beware they might start seeing each other behind your back! Keep your wits about you from now on!

Perhaps they are having affair, perhaps they aren't. But the phrase "Well, there were three of us in this marriage so it was a bit crowded" is very apt. Marriages are about intimacy between 2 people- including but not limited to sexual intimacy. She may or may not be sexually intimate with your husband but she is certainly intimate in every other way. She is taking your place in many ways. And she is not your friend.

The fact that she knows how you feel and ignores that demonstrates clearly that she is not your friend.

I bet she and your DH share all kinds of little intimacies- private jokes and giggles, exchanged glances, knowing looks, things that make them both laugh that don't make you laugh, offer each other emotional support.

I wouldn't stand for this - they are at best being disrespectful of you or something much worse.

This will not end well.

She is not your friend, you do know he’s probably getting so angry with you when you try to tell him how you feel because of her. Everything you’ve been telling her about how you feel she will be in his ear about it, feeding it back to him. And it’s plain as day he’s taking her side.

If they aren’t sleeping together which I think is highly unlikely, this is 100% an emotional affair.

I’ll get flamed for this but I’d start checking phones/laptops. Looking for hidden phones in the home or car. And I’d definitely be popping home in the middle of the day as a ‘surprise’. In fact I’d be pretending to go to work and watching/following them. Unhinged I know but if I suspected an affair and he’s already proven himself to be a master manipulator and gaslighter I’d do what it took to get the truth.

I think you need to find out exactly what is in these late night texts.. I’m pretty sure that will change your mind about how involved they are together.

I’ve read through every post, many twice - was hiding away upstairs a bit to do so. Thank you to everyone for your helpful input, it’s really helpful to read all sides and see all the points, even the ones who called me thick which I might be to some degree ;-)

To the people who said it can’t be real or that it must be made up as I’ve just come back from holiday, it is unfortunately very real but the holiday is really only the the latest (and most blatant) example of many things over the last year or two.

He and she both get equal blame in the posts, after reading and thinking about it all I agree, though think 75% him because of the way he reacts when I talk about it. Assuming it is just an emotional affair (like I 95% believe it is not physical), she’s wrong for getting herself in this position but it’s the way he makes me feel about it that makes me so pissed off. All of you who said about 2 wives, wife sister, 3 in the marriage - totally right!

I also spend loads of time together with her and it still feels like we’re best friends - she and I are really really close.

This post got way more many replies in an hour than I expected. I’ve lurked on MN for years and often read things and think ‘oh how can they be so stupid’. It’s hard to when you’re that person. Thanks for everyone who’s given your input, too many to reply individually. I appreciate it. I’m ok, if anything I feel a little validated today xx

What are you planning to do, OP?

I think you’re in denial and can’t believe a so called friend would do this. This person is not your friend , sneaking around on a free holiday with your DH , she has no respect for you or herself. And your dickhead husband, not liking you mentioning it and trying to make you feel you’re being unreasonable. Once you’ve processed all this , gained support from friends and family, get your plan together .

Your friend should step back from her contact with your husband simply because you have told her it makes you uncomfortable. If you ask DH to see less of her he will say you are being ridiculous and jealous, blame you and carry on ignoring your feelings. Neither are being respectful.

You need to accept you are going to lose them both from your life or carry on being made a fool of. I would get finances straight and issue an ultimatum

I was going to say that ‘there’s definitely something going on’.
But it is going on. It’s all happening right in front of you.

It’s whether it’s a physical affair at this stage.

I wouldn’t be shocked in the slightest if it is.

Id be looking to put a distance between them now.
You’re obviously seeing it all and can’t be happy about it.

If she was your friend, she would care about your feelings. You told her their behaviour makes you uncomfortable and she still continues.

He's got you both, hasn't he? The dutiful little wifey at home, making him his dinner etc, and his exciting bit on the side adding a little frisson to his day and making him feel manly and desirable.

Honestly, even if they're not yet doing it, it sounds like it's on the cards and they're both just gaslighting you. I'd say if either of them really cared about you, they'd alter their behaviour as they know it's making you unhappy. Not altering their behaviour just confirms they don't give a stuff about your feelings.

Set your own boundaries, whatever they are, and stick to them.

@Choux I thought that went without saying. Of course the 'D'H is a total git problem. My point was made based on the fact the OP says numerous times this woman is her 'best friend' and respects her. OP is clearly hurt by all of this and I was merely stating in a round about way that a 'best friend' would pick up on this and act accordingly.

Oh yes, and get your finances in place. NOW. Speak to a solicitor now, and get copies of all the paperwork re pensions, salary, etc. You're probably going to need it, and if you don't, no harm done.

Your dh is wooing your friend in plain sight.
They are acting as though they are dating .
Terrible people

@OfMyDog are you planning to talk to both of them about this. I think you should do it when they are both together- which ,since it seems to be all the time- shouldn’t be hard. What both of them choose to do as a result of the conversation will be telling.
A decent partner would be very mindful of how their OH might feel in this situation and would not dream of letting it get this far.

OP I am glad to have read your update and that you seem to realise this is not right. But for God sake, please stop excusing your friend. There are two people engaging in all of these actions, and two people not willing to listen, validate you or change when you openly say you are not happy with their actions!! She is not a friend. In fact I would go as far as saying you shouldn't trust her with any information as I wouldn't be surprised if she feeds it back to your husband given how much time they spend together! What is your plan going forward?

Have you any idea how you're going to go forward OP? Set some boundaries? Long hard chat with husband/Best friend? It must be hard reading these replies but I'm pleased they've given you some perspective on it all and validated your feelings.