Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

I suspect he's made her normalise it and she's brainwashed into thinking she's going crazy or that she's some mad, jealous woman.

When you are in that situation, it's very hard to see it for what it really is.

Sorry to say it but if you removed the identifying details here that mentioned who was married to who, I’d assume that they were the married couple and you were the one tagging along on their holiday. He texts her, goes to her hotel room leaving you alone, goes to watch sunsets with her, he ignored you, he talks to her more…then on top of this when you’re back home home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and meet up for lunch without you.

Read it all back to yourself.

Then remind yourself that she’s unhappily married.

This is a really dangerous situation. They are getting closer and closer under your nose and your trusting nature is choosing to believe that they couldn’t possibly be this blatant about it.

They absolutely could. It couldn’t be any easier for them to have an affair. They already seem to seek each other out more than they seek you. It’s beyond inappropriate.

I think you should dump them both and not even give a reason - just say you’re done with them.

That would be fine if there was no child involved. But I think the OP needs to try to have this out with her dh and dump the friend.

No way would I tolerate that. I'm interested too in whose idea it was to invite her on the holiday

I don’t think they’re having an affair or are necessary going to but I think he feels something for her and she likes the attention because her marriage is crap. So it’s an unhealthy situation all round.

I’d be issuing ultimatums at this point.

I cannot imagine going to watch a sunset with a male friend and leaving my partner behind. I also can't ever fathom my partner going off and watching a sunset with his female friend and leaving me behind.

Sorry OP they are both taking the piss out of you.

I would be very clear to husband and friend about how you feel and I'd start making plans to leave.

You need to see these messages with your own eyes to see if you think they are acceptable or not. Let me guess, his phone is locked down like Fort Knox and if you wanted to ever look at it YOU are being silly? LTB!

You have “just” come back from holiday

and already consulted family and colleagues about your husband and best friend.

They are deeply in love and hiding it in plain sight. To pay for an adult woman's holiday and bring her with you is just too much - you have let this woman right inside your little family. He is now closer to her than he is to you! He doesn't need to choose though, because he has you both.

Yet another "best friend" scenario where it's got completely out of hand. Your husband is an absolute bastard for the way he's treating you - (sorry) and your friend is a using, lying, greedy manipulative witch to act that way with your husband as well. I've been where you are, but I had to wait until I caught them having sex to believe my gut feeling. They obliged, and I caught them. I walked out on my long-term partner and never saw or spoke to either of them again.

Trust yourself.

This is awful, OP, and I don’t know which of the pair I have more contempt for. Him, I suppose, because whether or not they’re sleeping together he’s certainly broken his marital vow about cherishing you. But she’s broken the girl code in the worst way.

I’m in a male dominated profession and have been happily married for ages, but whenever I find myself getting friendly with a man, the background is all about making sure DH and any DP are comfortable. If I found myself as the third adult on a holiday with a couple, paid by them, I would be the one staying back with the DC so they could watch the sunset. Even if I knew the man better I would make a point of taking the woman out for a meal or activity as one form of thanks. I have always refused the opportunity to socialise in a hotel room alone with a man I’m not related to or in a relationship with. This seems like common sense. I am aghast at the scene you described

Please listen to all the people in your life who seem to have your best interests at heart. Best wishes

This is so wrong on so many levels. If they’re not having a physical affair I’d put money on it they will soon. Emotional affair at best and right in front of you. She’s not your friend OP and your husband is taking you for a mug. Don’t let them!!!

I’m sorry op, she is NOT your friend. And neither is he. There is no way on this earth I would go to “watch the sunset” with my friends husband, irrespective of how much of a good friend he was to me, and leave her behind? Absolutely not. And my DH certainly wouldn’t dream of doing that to me.
I’ve no idea if they are shagging, none of us do, but the behaviour of both of them is shitty and disrespectful to you. And they both think that is fine. Do you really want a husband OR a best friend who you have to ask to treat you well? Awful behaviour from both of them. In your shoes I think I would have it out with both of them, together. And I’d be bloody angry. His reaction and hers will speak volumes. If they’ve so much as held hands, they can both fuck off. Forever. Do not shit where you eat.

OP. You know none of this is right, she is not your friend and he is lying to you.
You seem like you need proof, so try and get into his phone-he thinks he has you fooled so won’t be deleting messages, activate find my phone without his knowledge, maybe take the day off without telling him and follow him.
I know you can find a better ‘best’ friend and partner. They both sound like rotters

I agree with this, and both DH and I have opposite sex friends who we’ve had for decades.
I have never felt uncomfortable about him spending time with his female friends , nor he with my male ones.
You are obviously relaxed about him having a good female friend, so the fact that you are feeling unhappy means that their behaviour has crossed a line and isn’t appropriate. I am very pro opposite sex friends as I have had male friends all my life, so if I think this is weird behaviour then it definitely is weird behaviour and not coming from a place of “men and women can never be friends”.
I think both your husband and friend are treating you like an idiot. A good husband wouldn’t be dismissive of your feelings, or making you feel left out and worried, and a good friend wouldn’t be making you uncomfortable in this way. I suspect that she is getting everything from your husband that is missing from her own marriage, aside from sex, and that if you left your husband she would quickly get together with him.

You’ve told her how you feel yet she carries on?! She’s not your friend.

she should have stayed with the kids and he should have watched the sunset with you. No way should he have left you in your room and gone to spend ages in hers. This isn’t right at all.

Ah, no need for that.

I suspect OP has been gaslit enough by this awful pair to then not need insults from randoms online.

@OfMyDog , your post is upsetting to a great many of us who can see this for what it is. Personally, I can see why you have lived and accepted it - until now. He is your husband and she is your best friend. Except neither of them are who they claim to be.

It doesn't help you for us all to repeat how awful they both are.

I think you now know that this isn't right on any level.

Lovely, take some time to process this all. But above all place your value above what you feel this pair are to you. They are awful. I am sorry.

No they're as bad as each other. She's not sending him back to the room where you're baby sitting, she's not suggesting the sunset walks on the beach should be with his wife. She's lapping up his attention while you're acting as the spare wheel.

This can't be a real post because it's ridiculously obvious they're having an affair.

Sorry OP but the first post says everything I was thinking after reading your OP.

if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

This is so disrespectful. Your H and your so-called are both showing you who they are (and have been for some time). Believe what you’re seeing. Clearly her husband already knows.

Put yourself and your son first.

Hope you're okay OP (you've gone very quiet) and this isn't too overwhelming. Lots of concern for you on here, rightly

I just wrote out the bare bones outline of a comparable situation I’m in, but deleted it because it just couldn’t capture the whole context, nuance and ‘tone’ of the situation… and I’m saying this to show I understand that things may be complex, and not as they seem in outline,

However.

I’m really just quite shocked by what I’ve just read.

No sense of any boundaries observed by either of them at all.

I think I’d be hiding a camera in the house the next time I knew she was coming round and I wasn’t going to be there, tbh.

Your husband is behaving badly but your friend is also letting you down too.

I have a couple of friends whose husbands I also get on well with, and very occasionally we’ll text about something specific. But I tread very very carefully to ensure that my contact with the husbands is limited and is less than my contact with their wives. A friend who doesn’t do that is not a friend.

Flagrant disrespect OP.

Jesus.. He is gaslighting you and I can't imagine she doesn't realise how inappropriate they are being. Watching the sodding sunset. Such a pisstake, have you spoke with your friend.