Took nephew on holiday for 2 weeks - got no thanks?

3plusonekids · 2023-08-06T11:01:21+00:00

We are a family of 5, and have been going to my husbands families villa in Italy, for our last 3 abroad holidays. This yeah we invited our 13 year old nephew, on my side. He’s a lovely lad, and it went really well. Family paid for the flight and contributed to what it would cost us extra for eating out etc. he was treated exactly the same as our 3 children, extra treats and money given when shopping etc. a nice holiday, all in all… although I didn’t realise that an extra head would matter that much but it was harder work. fast forward and we’re home a week ago. We dropped him off, I said thanks for making our holiday lovely etc. Since, we have seen my DB and SIL but there has been no ‘thanks’ I’m not sure if they thought they were doing us a favour as he is lovely and plays with our children etc and like I say, they did contribute financially toward the holiday. plus we brought gifts home for his siblings also, but no thanks there either. I feel like it’s eating me up, as we’re a close family and I’m flummoxed as to why such a big thing hasn’t been acknowledged. WWYD AIBU?

TheBeesKnee · 06/08/2023 12:02

That's very rude 😬 do they have form for this or would you say it's out of character?

JMSA · 06/08/2023 12:03

Ooh, that is very rude indeed. I'd have to say something, as otherwise resentment builds.

mycatsanutter · 06/08/2023 12:05

Do they usually forget their manners ?

M4J4 · 06/08/2023 12:07

Very rude. They wouldn’t be having any more holidays from me.

Do you have a son, do they think you wanted nephew there for that?

LadyBird1973 · 06/08/2023 12:14

Maybe they thought it wasn't that big a deal seeing as he is your nephew and they did pay his costs?
I don't think this would bother me tbh. You did a nice thing for the child and he will remember it and is likely to remain closer to you and your children as he grows up because you've put the effort in to build the relationship.
I'm not saying they aren't a bit rude, but maybe on some level they missed their child and so it didn't feel like a favour to them, so much as something they felt they had to agree to? Or something you did because it suited you?
Or maybe they just haven't thought about it. If they are otherwise nice people I'd not make more of this in my head. And if they are not generally nice, there's no point in being surprised now.

Reading this back it sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be. Can't think of quite the right words. I do agree that saying thank you would have been polite.

PeanutButterOnToad · 06/08/2023 12:24

They paid his expenses, are you sure they didn’t just say thanks when you dropped him off or maybe they thought they did. Tbh I wouldn’t expect more than a low key “thanks for taking him” under the circumstances, you seem to expect something more.

Lkahsvtv · 06/08/2023 12:27

Maybe they didn’t realise an extra head would be more work? I’d thank my sister but I guess at that age I wouldn’t necessarily think it was much more work

BadSkiingMum · 06/08/2023 12:27

Are you sure that you didn’t just miss it? For example, they said ‘Thank you so much for taking him’ at the door and it was missed in all the good-byes. Whereas perhaps you were expecting more of a ‘gesture’?

You sound like a kind aunt, however I think the fact that it is a family holiday home (so no extra rooms booked or organised in order to take him), you were there with your own three children anyway and they covered all of his personal expenses means that perhaps they aren’t recognising the extra care and responsibility involved in taking him with you.

I would try to focus on the positive and let it go.

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 06/08/2023 12:53

I've got to say I wouldn't have an issue with this. My sister has taken my kids away. I've taken her kids away. I've just booked a big fancy 2 week cruise and I'm taking my grandkids and other nephew away on that and I'm paying. I don't do it for thanks or a big song and dance or gifts. And if it's "just" a thank you you want, it's really not that important so in your shoes I'd be trying to understand what the real reason for my upset was.

Poppyblush · 06/08/2023 13:11

But they didn’t cover his costs and I assume had 2 weeks kid free. They are bang out of order

Loulou560 · 06/08/2023 14:20

I think it’s pig ignorant not to say thank you. I know the lad was no trouble etc., but a thank you costs nothing. I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about this. I’m grateful for everything, but have a family member who never thanks anyone and I don’t get the sense of entitlement and rudeness.

Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:21

Thanks for all of your replies, really appreciate it. I’m the type of person to be super thankful and grateful so I think that’s why I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure whether to approach it or not really or just keep my distance for a week or 2.
we are a pretty close family so I’m just hoping I can keep it in as what else can I say - ‘Are you not going to say thank you?’
im absolutely not bothered about a gift or a grand gesture at all, just an acknowledgment and a thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:22

I didn’t miss it, as my DB and SIL were both at work, his older DB was upstairs when we dropped him off.

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Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:23

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 06/08/2023 12:53

I've got to say I wouldn't have an issue with this. My sister has taken my kids away. I've taken her kids away. I've just booked a big fancy 2 week cruise and I'm taking my grandkids and other nephew away on that and I'm paying. I don't do it for thanks or a big song and dance or gifts. And if it's "just" a thank you you want, it's really not that important so in your shoes I'd be trying to understand what the real reason for my upset was.

I don’t want any gifts, grand gestures, just a simple thank you would do. This holiday will not be reciprocated.

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Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:25

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 06/08/2023 12:53

I've got to say I wouldn't have an issue with this. My sister has taken my kids away. I've taken her kids away. I've just booked a big fancy 2 week cruise and I'm taking my grandkids and other nephew away on that and I'm paying. I don't do it for thanks or a big song and dance or gifts. And if it's "just" a thank you you want, it's really not that important so in your shoes I'd be trying to understand what the real reason for my upset was.

Yep, the real reason is just an acknowledgment for doing a nice kind thing - that’s it. It will definitely not be reciprocated

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Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:29

M4J4 · 06/08/2023 12:07

Very rude. They wouldn’t be having any more holidays from me.

Do you have a son, do they think you wanted nephew there for that?

I have 2 sons, that play with each other so he didn’t come to serve us for company.

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Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:30

PeanutButterOnToad · 06/08/2023 12:24

They paid his expenses, are you sure they didn’t just say thanks when you dropped him off or maybe they thought they did. Tbh I wouldn’t expect more than a low key “thanks for taking him” under the circumstances, you seem to expect something more.

Yep that’s all I wanted, didn’t get it

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toomuchlaundry · 06/08/2023 17:34

Is there a particular reason you invited him? If he has other siblings is there reason you just picked him (not saying you should have taken all the DC by the way).

Original poster

3plusonekids · 06/08/2023 17:36

toomuchlaundry · 06/08/2023 17:34

Is there a particular reason you invited him? If he has other siblings is there reason you just picked him (not saying you should have taken all the DC by the way).

He just gets on with my kids and his siblings are quite a bit older, left school etc. so it wasn’t odd.

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EscapeTheCastle · 06/08/2023 17:36

I wonder if just taking one of the kids has caused some problems at home?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/08/2023 17:37

I'm understanding correctly that they've not uttered the word 'thanks' at all? This isn't a case of you not getting a 'proper' thank you, or whatever. It's actually no acknowledgement at all that you took him away or brought home gifts? At all?

If yes, that's very rude. Is it very out of character? Is it possible, as you say they weren't home at drop off, that your DB thinks his DW has thanked as part of 'wifework' and DSIL thinks DH has thanked, as you're his family. Not in a 'making a stand' sort of way, but just as an assumption. Do they have that sort of dynamic?

As they haven't said anything about the gifts either I think it would be easy to see them and just really lightly ask 'oh, did you like thing? We saw them at a lovely market in x place' or whatever. As hopefully a bit of a nudge that they've not said anything, if they don't realise/think the other did. (Not like when your elderly aunt asks in a very loaded tone if you liked the scuba mask she knitted you, as your letter was only 2 pages long - or was that just my relatives? )

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/08/2023 17:37

I'm understanding correctly that they've not uttered the word 'thanks' at all? This isn't a case of you not getting a 'proper' thank you, or whatever. It's actually no acknowledgement at all that you took him away or brought home gifts? At all?

If yes, that's very rude. Is it very out of character? Is it possible, as you say they weren't home at drop off, that your DB thinks his DW has thanked as part of 'wifework' and DSIL thinks DH has thanked, as you're his family. Not in a 'making a stand' sort of way, but just as an assumption. Do they have that sort of dynamic?

As they haven't said anything about the gifts either I think it would be easy to see them and just really lightly ask 'oh, did you like thing? We saw them at a lovely market in x place' or whatever. As hopefully a bit of a nudge that they've not said anything, if they don't realise/think the other did. (Not like when your elderly aunt asks in a very loaded tone if you liked the scuba mask she knitted you, as your letter was only 2 pages long - or was that just my relatives? )

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/08/2023 17:38

Sorry, double post. Luckily it was a short one...

IncompleteSenten · 06/08/2023 17:40

What did they say when you first suggested taking him? Was there any thanks then? That would be lovely, thanks etc?

CrapBucket · 06/08/2023 17:42

I think they think they have said thanks. If they had been home when you dropped him off they would have said thank you. But that moment didn’t happen and prompt a thank you, and now it’s passed and too late for their minds to think ‘did I say thanks’. My advice is to pretend to yourself that they did say thanks, or it will really piss you off. I’m sure they are thankful.