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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce is selfish?

316 replies

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 17:31

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

OP posts:
Rathouse · 05/08/2023 18:58

@Readyforafallout you have made a statement you wasn't just asking for opinions. You even gave your own input but what is your story? Are you living with someone who you have grown apart from with a child in the household??

I'm not sure how you can just assume everyone's circumstances. People are entitled to leave a relationship if they want to... and even if they have kids. Life is too short OP.

vipersnest1 · 05/08/2023 19:00

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 18:24

Thanks for your replies …. It’s interesting that people think I may be trolling just because I have asked an opinion on a very common issue . I haven't replied Because I have been reading responses !! I’m going to go to the cinema shortly …. So won’t reply for a while, if that’s ok?!

Why the hell start such a contentious thread and then come back and say 'I've been reading and can't be bothered to reply properly and I'm now off on a jolly'?
Surely the more thoughtful person would post something like this when they have time to devote to the thread.
Poor show, OP.

muchalover · 05/08/2023 19:00

Fimofriend · 05/08/2023 18:54

I know a woman with four children who only divorced her husband because he cheated on her. He only agreed to have the kids every second weekend even though he was such a family man and was the one who had insisted on many kids. But he did have the kids every second weekend. So all of a sudden she had time to herself occasionally. She hadn't had any time to herself for more than ten years. It made her realize that she ought to have divorced him whether he had cheated or not because she did 90% of all chores and then he was disrespectful too.
It wasn't an abusive marriage but she deserved better.

I'm sorry to disagree, but it was an abusive marriage.

She had pregnancies she didn't want and cared for children she would rather not have had (much as she loves then now). He made her an unpaid servant without any time off. He then cheated because he felt she was worth so little to him.

Not all abusers use violence. He coerced her into dependency and low self esteem. Society's view of abuse is, rightfully, widening. Good.

Workawayxx · 05/08/2023 19:01

Also in my case I divorced due to prolonged infidelity and all the shit that came with that (too long to describe!) but I know for a fact that ex described it to people as “communication difficulties”.

willstarttomorrow · 05/08/2023 19:02

Well the alternative not that many years years ago were pretty awful, domestic violence, rape within marriage, emotional and financial abuse totally accepted and legal. Before that people (particularly women) died earlier so marriages were shorter. Everyone I know who had parents who 'stayed together for the children' were very aware of the fact and wished their parents separated. I work with children within a child protection role and they are aware of every toxic detail of their parent's (or parent and new partner's) relationship. A happy single parent is far better than exposure to toxic relationships. I am a (widowed) single parent and I understand how difficult it is and some people are too scared to go it alone, even when things are awful. Parents often overlook how their behaviour is a model for their children. Hence the cycle of domestic abuse, low self esteem and predictability children who learn to communicate by shouting/being verbally agressive/just quite unhealthy really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2023 19:02

GCAcademic · 05/08/2023 18:28

I wish my parents had got divorced. OP clearly has no idea of what it's like being brought up in a household of constant tension, conflict and unhappiness. I left home 30 years ago and am still massively affected by it.

That’s how my mum felt and one of the reasons she and my dad got divorced. I’ve never regretted it, just wished they’d done it sooner. They’re great friends these days, they just sucked at being married to each other. My grandparents hated each other till the day my grandad died and my grandma’s last years were filled with bitterness and rage.

Sorry for what you went through 💐

Truemilk · 05/08/2023 19:03

Watching your parents hate each other every day does a lot more damage than divorce

miserablywet · 05/08/2023 19:04

Another here whose parents got divorced and was really happy.

But also really miserable once they both found new partners fairly quickly. Was hard enough navigatin the two homes, two different towns. Let alone now step-parents in the mix too, who are nice enough but I never ever really bonded with. And as a result I don't perhaps have the relationship with either parent I could have.

I gained two happier parents from divorce. I lost two happier parents by moving on too bloody quickly and showing they were more interested in their own happiness than the shitshow they created. I make no guilt from saying that either.

So as other PPs have said divorce isn't always a bad thing. But what you do after is crucial, because that can actually be way more scarring.

Iggii · 05/08/2023 19:04

I'm not sure if it's the divorce or the remarriage with new children that causes more problems for the dc of the "first" family. People rush into new relationships very quickly (some people, some times)

Iggii · 05/08/2023 19:04

Sorry x post with pp, though it kind of proves my point

Beezknees · 05/08/2023 19:05

Lots of things we do are selfish. Having children is a selfish thing. Being selfish isn't always a bad thing though.

It's not the act of divorce that is terrible for children, it's how the parents behave afterwards.

Katey83 · 05/08/2023 19:06

As a stepmother I can see how completely f-*ed up my dad’s emotional development has been because of the divorce and her parents’ subsequent marriages. The truth is no one was putting her first when they split up, and would have stayed together if they had been. There is no world in which it is good for the kids to divorce. Granted it might be better than the alternative if there is abuse or complete disharmony, but it’s damaging to the child.

Thedogscollar · 05/08/2023 19:07

Surely it's unusual for a happy marriage to result in divorce?
I'm not sure you have experienced either as a child or an adult an unhappy marriage. Apologies if I'm wrong.

To say divorce is a selfish act comes across as very smug and dismissive. Life is too short to remain in an unhappy marriage. Unhappy marriages cause such misery, physically and mentally. Children can be affected so badly it impacts on their adult relationships.

You are very unreasonable in even suggesting this.

Rosecoffeecup · 05/08/2023 19:08

Couldn't disagree more. My parents should have divorced years before they actually did and growing up in a household with two parents who hated eachother was far more damaging to me than their split. I had no idea what normal healthy relationships were like because I'd never seen it at home.

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 19:10

I'm actually with the OP on this and I think after we've outlawed divorce we should ban married couples from accessing any form of contraception too. A family unit much like the OP says is fundamentally a moral one.

To that end I also think if a man or a woman haven't found a person of their own choosing to marry by 21 years old then the government should allocate every woman and man on the cusp of their 22nd birthday a partner of the opposite sex to marry.

Following marriage couples can then use their marriage certificate as a license to create a family unit. This license also grants family units priority access to housing, healthcare, parking spaces etc. Should the marriage breakdown irretrievably a couple can only be granted divorce following a 20-year waiting period, after which they will only be able to marry again via the government allocation scheme pending an investigation to their first primary marriage.

ArabeIIaScott · 05/08/2023 19:14

YABU, OP.

Children need happy parents, not married parents.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 05/08/2023 19:14

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves.

Oh please, watch your language!!! Not every person who marries a partner with children is an evil step parent. Honestly, it's such a sickening attitude considering how many second- and blended- families there are now, don't judge everyone by the actions of some.

Rathouse · 05/08/2023 19:14

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 18:36

Your post is absolutely designed to be unkind. Of course it is.

kids do pick up on their parents being unhappy. And it messes them up.

People who say they are staying for the kids, usually aren’t. They simply don’t want to change the situation. Don’t want to sell the house, or will have less money and so on. The kids usually grow up wishing their parents had split sooner and the parents often act like the kids owe them for giving up years of happiness for their benefit. Except no one benefitted.

Your post that suggests it’s selfish to want to be in a happy home environments is unkind. You are telling people they should live unhappily or morally lacking.

I actually suspect you might be one of the ‘I am staying for my kids’ and trying to convince yourself that you are morally superior and a more selfless parent. Why else would you do it?

👍

ArabeIIaScott · 05/08/2023 19:15

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 05/08/2023 19:14

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves.

Oh please, watch your language!!! Not every person who marries a partner with children is an evil step parent. Honestly, it's such a sickening attitude considering how many second- and blended- families there are now, don't judge everyone by the actions of some.

It's also just complete bollocks. Obvious bollocks.

OP, to expand: there are good and bad ways to do divorces.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 05/08/2023 19:15

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 19:10

I'm actually with the OP on this and I think after we've outlawed divorce we should ban married couples from accessing any form of contraception too. A family unit much like the OP says is fundamentally a moral one.

To that end I also think if a man or a woman haven't found a person of their own choosing to marry by 21 years old then the government should allocate every woman and man on the cusp of their 22nd birthday a partner of the opposite sex to marry.

Following marriage couples can then use their marriage certificate as a license to create a family unit. This license also grants family units priority access to housing, healthcare, parking spaces etc. Should the marriage breakdown irretrievably a couple can only be granted divorce following a 20-year waiting period, after which they will only be able to marry again via the government allocation scheme pending an investigation to their first primary marriage.

😱😂😂😂😂😂😂

MintJulia · 05/08/2023 19:15

Katey83 · 05/08/2023 19:06

As a stepmother I can see how completely f-*ed up my dad’s emotional development has been because of the divorce and her parents’ subsequent marriages. The truth is no one was putting her first when they split up, and would have stayed together if they had been. There is no world in which it is good for the kids to divorce. Granted it might be better than the alternative if there is abuse or complete disharmony, but it’s damaging to the child.

Then perhaps it is the subsequent marriage which is selfish.

DS & I left his dad 13 years ago. I have put DS first, and not found a new partner. I won't even try until ds is 18 and at university. He is a happy confident secure child because he has a secure comfortable relaxed home, knows his place in it, and knows that I have his back. We treat each other with courtesy and consideration. Plenty of love and affection.

I'm so glad that he has had the opposite upbringing to me & my siblings..

bladebladebla1 · 05/08/2023 19:17

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 19:10

I'm actually with the OP on this and I think after we've outlawed divorce we should ban married couples from accessing any form of contraception too. A family unit much like the OP says is fundamentally a moral one.

To that end I also think if a man or a woman haven't found a person of their own choosing to marry by 21 years old then the government should allocate every woman and man on the cusp of their 22nd birthday a partner of the opposite sex to marry.

Following marriage couples can then use their marriage certificate as a license to create a family unit. This license also grants family units priority access to housing, healthcare, parking spaces etc. Should the marriage breakdown irretrievably a couple can only be granted divorce following a 20-year waiting period, after which they will only be able to marry again via the government allocation scheme pending an investigation to their first primary marriage.

Lol

OrangeCrayon · 05/08/2023 19:18

Newphony · 05/08/2023 17:48

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves.

This.

All of the evidence shows that if parents divorce and co-parent amicably the children's outcomes are roughly equivalent to thise whose parents stay married.

The biggest problems for children are the dangers of step parents and the emotional complications of blended families/ half siblings etc. People who divorce don't have to inflict that on their children and many do not.

Ultimately the balance of probabilities of a good outcome in each individual situation will be different but negative outcomes from divorcing are only present when the adults behave in a selfish way after separating rather than putting the children's needs first.

adriftabroad · 05/08/2023 19:19

marriage is selfish, having a baby is selfish ...

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 19:21

If you're unhappy in your relationship what is the point of staying? Seriously do you think a parent should sacrifice 20 years of their life instead of just divorcing and children can still have 2 parents and live with them both. If one of your DC got married and they weren't happy would you want/expect them to sacrifice 20 years or more until any DC were away at uni.