Heart broken

[Deedeedoe]

We adopted a child at 16m. Now an adult , they have contacted and gone to live with birth mother.and step father. The reason for the adoption was domestic violence, rape, and incest in the family, mostly the birth fathers side but also the birth mother could have kept her children but chose the abusive partner and put all 4 of her children up for adoption. I'm gutted. Feel like a failure. Any advise?

That sounds very painful for you. I think you just have to be patient and understanding and keep communication open. You do sound very judgmental about the birth mother so I’d advise you to keep those thoughts to yourself and try to understand the situation instead.

Are you currently in contact with your child?

I’m so sorry. There is always a risk that this sort of thing can happen, I’m afraid, but it doesn’t make it any easier if it does. The only thing I suggest is to keep channels of communication open and be there to support your child. They are likely to find that the grass is not greener and will come back to you in time. Just let them know that you’re there to support them in as a non-judgmental way as possible.

Big hugs

@Deedeedoe just read your post. Firstly you are NOT a failure, far from it, you did such an amazing thing adopting your child. Looking at it from an outside perspective, i don't see your child staying with their birth family for long. Give your child time, they will be back. I know this time is hard but please stay strong xx

I’m so sorry this has happened. I don’t have any personal experience of this but would contacting organisations like Adoption UK be able to signpost you to somewhere for support and how to approach this with your DC?

I am so sorry. I adopted DS at 5.5 & DD at 3.5 from a scarily similar background to what you describe. We are 10 years in and I've literally given every ounce of "me" into supporting, understanding, caring for them, whilst DS is thriving and growing into an amazing young man, DD is absolutely determined and pretty much destined to return to her birth mum and family to repeat the same story. It's soul destroying, it really really is. I am still trying with her - she is just not having any of it.

You will.have given your child a secure and safe life- priceless. Keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully there will be room.in your child's life for both sets of parents. Big hug OP.

I'm out so can't give a longer reply

You might like to post on the adoption board too, OP for people who are likely to have experience of this.

Best of luck

Wow that must be so hard OP. But I agree with PPs - wait it out. Keep communication open. Your DC is in the process of trying to embrace that part of her history, connect and make sense of it. I am sure they will be back.

This. Either they will find that the birth mother doesn’t give them the care, understanding and support that they hoped or they may find a way
to maintain relationships with both of you.
I do understand how much it must hurt but any parent has to let their child make their own way eventually. In a sense maybe it’s because you do such a good job that they feel able to take this step - they feel secure and loved and that you are there for them.

How awful. It’s not your fault, you provided a safe home for them when they needed it.

Your dd has had a much better childhood than she would have had, even if she cant necessarily see or truly appreciate that clearly at the moment. You kept her safe.

Keep communication open and avoid openly judging her bm. I think you will have to use all of your acting skills to support her decision and make sure she knows where to come when or if it goes wrong.

I guess best case scenario is bm is now worthy of your dd and dd is able to maintain relationships with you both.

Or bm will let her down and she will need you more than ever.

That must be incredibly painful. 💐

Sending hugs to you OP.Sadly with the use of SM and FB it is easier to trace Birth parents .It may be that they will come back to you in time of course. Are you still in touch with her at all? Try and keep lines of communication open if possible .As she is quite young ,she may be a bit mixed up ATM and come round .xx

Thanks for.your messages. It just seems to be a whole world of pain. Their happy childhood and supportive upbringing seems.to count for nothing.

It doesn’t count for nothing OP, it’s everything. Your love and consistency will give them a chance to process their relationship to their birth family without losing themselves. There is a strong chance that they will return I’m sure.

Your parenting is in their emotional fabric for ever.

Did they leave on bad terms with you ?
If not, it absolutely does not count for nothing!
It's most likely a need many people feel to get in touch with their heritage. Whether that's culture, blood relatives etc. Some people feel they need to reconnect to understand why and what happened and where they came from, and some hope the reconnection will work out. It does not always

Ps the birth family may well be chaotic and emotionally dramatic and that can have a strong pull, that kind of intensity - but your DC will process and navigate that, in time. It’s like a love affair with someone intense and boundary-less, for a while it feels all encompassing but in time the negatives are glaring.

Must be incredibly difficult for you, but they will probably realise in time what a lucky escape they had from their natural birth parents. It's a very strong urge in a lot of adoptees to reconnect with their birth parents but rarely does it work out. Hold tight, I' m sure they will find their way back to you.

This must be incredibly difficult for you, especially knowing what you know.

How old is you dc now?

echo previous comments, OP but all forms
of parenting is thankless and the reason for that is - as someone else has said - you are their anchor and should feel incredibly proud of the selfless contribution you’ve made to your DCs. They will return to you

There will always be a desire to know their biological parents and to have a relationship with them, it’s ingrained. Even children that have been abused seek their parents love, it’s not your failing. I’m sorry you’re hurting

Do you still have a relationship with them? If not has something happened within your family that has caused them to turn their back on it? Addressing the cause of that will hopefully help you and your DC reunite too.

I’m wondering why you think their childhood means nothing to them because they’ve built a relationship with their birth parents? Is it not possible for them to appreciate you, have a good relationship with both you and their birth parents? As you’ve found out, you don’t own them despite being their adoptive parents.

Any children I know who have either been adopted or fostered (which admittedly is not a lot in the grand scheme of things) have returned or made contact with their birth families as soon as able, regardless of previous treatment or abuse by families.

It doesn't count for nothing! It's just they're too emotionally immature to understand or appreciate what you've given them right now.

The pull of hoping you can 'fix' your birth mum and be a happy family has got to be strong for any child. Give them time, hopefully they will come to recognise and value the stability and love you gave them. Let them try this out graciously and be there if it falls apart.