Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heart broken

117 replies

Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 13:06

We adopted a child at 16m. Now an adult , they have contacted and gone to live with birth mother.and step father. The reason for the adoption was domestic violence, rape, and incest in the family, mostly the birth fathers side but also the birth mother could have kept her children but chose the abusive partner and put all 4 of her children up for adoption. I'm gutted. Feel like a failure. Any advise?

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 05/08/2023 16:04

Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 14:47

Thanks for.your messages. It just seems to be a whole world of pain. Their happy childhood and supportive upbringing seems.to count for nothing.

Thats not true. Their happy childhood will count for a lot.

But they're curious about where they come from no doubt, although going to live with them is a little extreme.

How old are they?

Lexxxx · 05/08/2023 16:09

Sometimes the story being given to the adoption agency isn’t always the truth. My aunt had to give her child for adoption. She had no choice.
Your child deserves to meet their birth parent.
Just because the mother lived a chaotic life then doesn’t mean she does now. Surely she has the right to get to know the child she gave birth too.
Maybe give it a chance. Get to know the birth mother. You might open your life to gain more than to lose something.

DeeCee77 · 05/08/2023 16:11

Summer2424 · 05/08/2023 13:33

@Deedeedoe just read your post. Firstly you are NOT a failure, far from it, you did such an amazing thing adopting your child. Looking at it from an outside perspective, i don't see your child staying with their birth family for long. Give your child time, they will be back. I know this time is hard but please stay strong xx

Was about to type something very similar but you said it all.

OP you deserve total gratitude from society for taking on a child. There aren't many who would. The biological pull is strong (Davina and Nicky Campbell on their programme showcase that very well) so its understandable they want to know their birth mother. Just give it time as Summer says.

Lindy2 · 05/08/2023 16:12

How old are they?

I think it is quite likely they are searching for a fantasy version of their birth mother. Probably something they have thought about while growing up.

At some point they'll get a reality check along with more maturity in their own reasoning and thinking.

Just be there for them when they realise they do really need you.

Widgets · 05/08/2023 16:22

Please post this on the adoption board, only people who have lived experiences and who have given their hearts to children via adoption will understand and be able to advise and truly understand.
I can feel your pain and the heartbreak in your post, so sorry this was the outcome for you OP

JFDIYOLO · 05/08/2023 16:30

Is there anyone here who was an adopted child themselves and can give insights into the experience and the need to find their roots?

Illbebythesea · 05/08/2023 16:32

It must be very hard for you emotionally, but you have to respect the wishes of your dc. They are obviously naturally intrigued by their birth family, & as hard as it might be you have to try not to judge the mother’s decisions you have no idea about her life at that time. Don’t underestimate what you have given them, they will have a clear understanding of what is normal and what is dysfunctional & if what they see makes them uncomfortable they will be back. All you can do is give them time.

SapphireEyes88 · 05/08/2023 17:06

My sister and I were adopted as children. I'm a year older and was responsible for younger siblings, remembered the abuse, the fear etc. She didn't.
As a teen she went off the rails and ended up seeing and staying with bio mother. She didn't believe me when I'd told her my memories, she didn't believe the reports from ss or our adoptive mothers diary kept as evidence (bio parents fought against adoption). She wanted to see for herself.
But she is so damaged and so damaging, most bio and adopted family or nc with her. I don't know what went wrong, I think mainly she wanted to test my adopted parents love for her, see how much control she had over them, how far they'd go to appease her.
I never felt the need to have contact with bio family, though I do have limited contact with some now.
What I will say is that having contact with my bio family has had good points - getting some answers to questions I'd carried with me for years. It had bad points - disappointment, reliving trauma etc. But it never diminished my love for my parents, the people that raised me, cared for me, supported me. If anything it made me appreciate them more, made me so grateful I'd escaped the world my younger siblings grew up in.
SS may be able to offer you and dd support, I know my sister got a social worker and my parents got counselling.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 05/08/2023 17:25

It must be incredibly difficult for you, I understand your heartbreak. I was adopted at 9mo and have never had the slightest interest in tracing my birth mother. It feels odd even describing her as a mother to be honest. But I was adopted with 3 of my siblings (birth mother had at least 8 children) so have a connection with biological family members that way I suppose. None of us have tried to trace any other family members.

FWIW although I have always loved my parents very much, I didn't truly understand and appreciate what they had done for us until I had DC of my own. In late teens and early twenties I was disinterested in tracing bio family, but probably would have responded if they tried to contact me first. Now in my early 30s with DC of my own, and an understanding of the sacrifices it takes to raise children, I wouldn't respond to contact from them. I think your DC will come to appreciate and understand more as they mature.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 18:09

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2023 13:27

That sounds very painful for you. I think you just have to be patient and understanding and keep communication open. You do sound very judgmental about the birth mother so I’d advise you to keep those thoughts to yourself and try to understand the situation instead.

Are you currently in contact with your child?

You think that the reason my child was put up for adoption was because their birth mother was OK with incest and domestic violence makes.me..judgemental. then yes. OK I am.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 18:21

My bestie was adopted. She went to her birth mother at 16. The BM was and still is a complete train wreck.
It’s taken until late 30’s for her to see it for herself. Despite being let down time and time again. Adopted children want to know their family for themselves and it can take years sometimes never for them to see the truth. All you can do is be there. Don’t speak negatively about their birth family, that will only push them further to them and they will resent you. Hopefully they will come back to you in time

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2023 18:30

@Deedeedoe my apologies for upsetting you when you are so upset already. My point about judgement (we ALL make them) is that as the pp above says, if you make those feelings known to your child they will be more conflicted and could make the situation worse.

It’s devastating for you but surely even worse for the DC trying to navigate this car crash. Do you have any professional help? It might be really helpful.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 18:39

Thanks for all your messages. As you all.suggest, I will have to play the.long game and wait it out. Its just so painful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 18:55

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2023 13:27

That sounds very painful for you. I think you just have to be patient and understanding and keep communication open. You do sound very judgmental about the birth mother so I’d advise you to keep those thoughts to yourself and try to understand the situation instead.

Are you currently in contact with your child?

I' do judge her. She had.many opportunities to keep her babies and she didn't. I ve met her and her rapist, incestuous partner and think she is disgusting. What do you think about that. Am I really judgemental or just normal???

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 19:03

It’s fine for you to think whatever you want. Just don’t voice it to your child. I’m very careful with what I say about my besties BM. Especially when she was in the thick of it living with her and letting her down constantly. Even though I was the same age and could see she was a wrongun I kept it to myself and supported her.
Now we’re much older I’m more vocal in my opinions but I still wouldn’t outright slate her

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:05

No one appears to have an opinion. That's a first.

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 05/08/2023 19:06

Be patient. My cousin who is older than i am disappeared from her family's life for a while, from 18 to 21 ish, she idealised her birth mum and her half sister and was so excited to join up the dots that the disconnection only became apparent when her curiosity had been met. By 23, she was kind of done with her biological mother, and that was her decision. Feel a bit sorry for the biological mum, but that is how it plays out I think

BlastedIce · 05/08/2023 19:06

I’m sorry, I also agree it’s the long game

Keep communicating with them.

🌺

MermaidEyes · 05/08/2023 19:09

I agree it's the long game. You haven't said how old your child is now and whether you're still in contact?

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:10

Sorry I ll just bow out.

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 05/08/2023 19:11

@Deedeedoe that's trickier. You Don't want to send a message that all of this domestic abuse and incest and rape is par for the course. In my cousin's situation, it was just your basic young woman would have been shamed and left broke.

I would try and fake being "breezy" even though you must be anything but.

Could your child come home for "pizza night" once every ten days, or Thai Tuesday, or bake off, just so it's not a big deal to come back to your for a night.

act so relaxed about it.

Xx

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:16

They are 23. They have I am co cerned siblings 21, 25 and 26. They are all adults but I am concerned about the family history. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:19

sorry fir the typos

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 05/08/2023 19:20

It absolutely doesn’t count for nothing OP. I can imagine it would feel that way but it is deeply untrue, be kind to yourself. Respect her choices, even if they upset you. Sending a big hug x

CharlieSays13 · 05/08/2023 19:22

Please ask for this to be moved to the adoption board OP, you will get good, balanced advice from people who understand adoption fully.