Heart broken

[Deedeedoe]

We adopted a child at 16m. Now an adult , they have contacted and gone to live with birth mother.and step father. The reason for the adoption was domestic violence, rape, and incest in the family, mostly the birth fathers side but also the birth mother could have kept her children but chose the abusive partner and put all 4 of her children up for adoption. I'm gutted. Feel like a failure. Any advise?

I grew up in an abusive household - not as bad as many but I wasn't allowed to have showers, was called vile names, called ugly and worthless, and evil and pathetic and have lasting mental health issues into adulthood thanks to those things. I do not condone what my mother allowed, I fully believe that us children should have been removed from her care - we weren't because she was deemed a polite, intelligent, middle class woman but that's another issue and so I was branded a liar when I asked for help - but I also don't believe it was that easy for her to just leave.

I didn't say that the birth mother should be let off. I didn't say that she should have been allowed to keep her children. I didn't say that she shouldn't have to face the consequences of her actions. I said its not as simplistic as to label her disgusting or abnormal because its never that simple.

I'm adopted and I find “why not JUST adopt” offensive, but much more offensive is all the blather about adoption being #So Kind or .. what? A sacrifice?
Good grief.

Anyway, the urge to know your birth family is natural and normal, no matter how misguided. My adoptive parents couldn't understand it unfortunately and made me feel very guilty.
As people have said, the reasons for adoption are valid and sometimes you painfully find that out all over again.
But unless you do, there are always the gaps and the questions, and feelings of not belonging and “why did they give me away” and all the rest of it.

i never left or rejected my adoptive parents, but just went out there and saw for myself. It took some time for me to take off the rose coloured specs and accept my birth parents for the flawed humans they were but all settled down and normality, whatever that is, was resumed.

So true. ‘Just adopt’ like it’s the obvious answer to being unable to have your own biological child. People have no clue!

Could you recharacterise the situation - the fact you gave them a stable, happy home life and childhood, has enabled them to have the strength, initiative and empowerment to seek out their heritage.

It isn't a reflection on you, rather its their natural inclination and indeed birthright to find their blood relative while they can.

As an adopted person, this is why I don't tell people I'm adopted. I'm afraid they will think of me as some kind of 'other' person.
This thread seems to be swaying towards the notion that there are all these selfless kind people out there just swooping up all the unfortunate children to give them a better life.
In my experience its mainly people who have the money to go through the process and have run out of other options and just want a child.
Children don't ask for any of this and to suggest that it is such a sacrifice, and that adopted children should be so grateful to be saved by these kind people, despite having their entire identity taken from them makes me really sad

How do you know what the birth mother is like now? Could they be a different person now to the vulnerable, misguided woman they used to be, who may have allowed themselves to be manipulated into being with an abusive partner in their younger years.

You must be talking at least 20-25 years ago when it was all going on if your adoptive child is themselves an adult.

OP said she is still living with him. From what OP said, he’s a rapist, so I think it’s safe to say things haven’t changed.

Really gratefull for your messages and different opinions. I will keep in contact and be supportive, what ever happens. Thanks everyone x

My friend fosters long term.

On her training course they discussed the fact that many children make false allegations against foster carers as they want to go back to their birth parents regardless of what the parents have done to them. The children just want the abuse to stop.

It doesn't make it easier for you, but generally this scenario is discussed in detail when you go through the adoption process.

I know this sounds harsh, but there is a special connection to birth parents and many children make excuses for their behaviour.

I'd suggest you're just there to support her at this stage. Hopefully she will then make the right decision!

@Deedeedoe
I can really appreciate how hard this must be for you from all respects 💐

Keep communication open and be very very patient.

Absolutely no putting her birth family down.

I think the strong probability will be that she’ll come back to you.

At the moment this is all shiny and new to her, but it will only be a question of time until their mask’s slip and she’ll come to realise what depraved and low people they really are.

OP, you have my sympathy. And I feel sure that as long as you keep calm and don't antagonise your daughter, that she will eventually learn to value all you've given her. I can imagine it's really painful at the moment, but hang on in there.

Keep schtumm about your opinions as to her birth family, though. I totally understand your judgement of them - you have very right to judge people who so horribly messed up her life so early on, whatever other pious pps say. But keep it to yourself - don't say it to her. She may very well come to realise the situation in due course.

I hope things will improve for you all soon.

Hi OP.
My cousin had the most wonderful adoptive parents and childhood. She still went out and found her birth mother. I think it upset my aunt and uncle at the time, but she was just trying to find out who she was. She was close to her birth mother for a while but it all fizzled out as she really didn't know her. She kept in touch with both but was much closer to her adoptive parents after a couple of years. If you asked her now who her mum was she would absolutely say her adoptive mum without even thinking. Just thought that may make things clearer OP. x

So glad that adopting me was such a huge sacrifice for my parents according to you.

Do y’all think adoptees are aliens or something? You know we are people just like those of you fortunate enough to grow up knowing your birth family and medical history?

Yes, you are judgemental. So what? You have plenty to be judgemental about.
Why do posters carry on as if being judgemental is a major crime?
Deedeedoe you are being a loving parent and I hope your relationship with your child transcends all this sadness and flourishes again.

Tbh I think that it’s fair to say that adoption has changed vastly in the past 40 years.

30/40 years ago if a couple wanted to adopt they were usually able to adopt a baby which a pregnant woman, often a young girl, felt forced to give up because she wasn’t able to cope with having a baby so young because of often social taboos.

It was usually a case of actually having a baby to adopt, nothing sacrificial about that, couple wanted a baby and usually adopted a baby.

Now the face of adoption is vastly different. Now couples who adopt are unlikely to adopt a baby, and are likely to have a child who has been abused, is traumatised, usually with some kind of special needs. It’s naive to say that that kind of adoption is comparable to having a biological child. It isn’t.

When people talk about adoption meaning making sacrifices they are IMO thinking of adoption as it is now, and unfairly comparing it to adoption from 30 years ago which wasn’t the same.

I totally get where you’re coming from with this.

I don’t say it to people because I’ve seen enough people in here saying it’s out of order but I genuinely can’t see why it’s not all to suggest adoption, like it’s a dirty word or insensitive or lesser. Yes it’s a different process and maybe some of the challenges that some of the kids have are different but ultimately we’re privileged to have our kids, we love them and it’s the best thing that ever happened to us. Having biological kids is no guarantee that life is going to be easy.

Please don’t let some of the less educated and experienced posters make you feel uncomfortable @LovePoppy I imagine it comes from a place of not understanding.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt op.

From another perspective, I’ve known several people who were adopted as children and I honestly don’t know any of them who haven’t struggled deeply with it. Some had loving adoptive parents, some didn’t not and chose to have the children as a commodity. What they all shared in common was a sense of loss, a missing part of themselves that they couldn’t see in those around them. The guilt of wanting to know who they are without hurting the people who ‘took them in and gave them everything’. Especially if they’ve heard nothing but negativity about their birth family.

I can somewhat relate to this myself. My mother quite rightly left my father (didn’t see him from toddler age), but obviously as I grew the same feelings of ‘missing’ a part of myself came about. It was always made clear that if I attempted to look for him she would be extremely disappointed in me. Rock and hard place, in my case I found other family members on his side and that quelled my interest whilst also compromising on my mother’s feelings.

TikTok has a whole community of adoptees who speak about their experiences and feelings about being adopted. It may be worth looking into these stories to try and find your own compromise with your child about the two worlds they come from?