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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my mum she’s not my priority?

93 replies

Booboojump · 04/08/2023 22:14

I got in to a bit of a heated argument with my mum the other day and I’m regretting what I said.

She was the one the brought up that I don’t seem to be her priority anymore…. I’m mid 30s, 3 children 6, 5 and 3 I work part time, cat, dog, house and husband (in that order 😂)

I was mad and I agreed with her that she indeed was not my main priority so much anymore! Why can’t you see that!

She has a completely fine life, I see her a couple of times a week, with the kids. I always remember birthdays, mothers day…. Take things the kids make to her, take some cakes/donuts, go for lunch with her every couple of weeks, we go shopping a couple of times a month. She has friends, siblings, a nice house, financial fine…

I sort of snapped…I shouted (not my finest hour) how I do EVERYTHING for everyone in my house, I’m trying my best at everything, 3 young children, school holidays, maintain a career, social life, time with husband, gym, fucking drinking enough water. I am at MAXIMUM capacity all the fucking time. I can’t give you a full grown seemingly normal adult anymore of me… I have nothing else to give you.

This is 10 years ago and she spoke like this was yesterday… She brought up when I got married, “that’s when it started, you not caring about me” the main problem was when showing our parents the wedding venue and I had arranged for the florist to meet me and my husband there. All the other parents (my dad and my now in-laws) sort of walked away saying we will leave you both to it to discuss the flowers and my mum didn’t move, fine but she then kept saying stuff like “well I don’t know what colour I’m going to be wearing” I asked her to stop as I wanted/needed to talk to the florist. And apparently this was one of the rudest things anyone has said to her and the florist looked at her with sympathy…

I don’t know what do to. I feel my mum should be considerate to my life at present surely? I don’t think I need to do more for her or be more for her? AIBU?

OP posts:
johnnydeppsslipper · 04/08/2023 22:18

Tell her to piss off op

My mum can be a needy twat and drains me at times.

I'm juggling a business that I put at least 60 hours a week into,a family three dogs the school
Holidays a husband and a mentally
Unwell sibling that's also draining at the minute.

She had the nerve to moan the other day that I haven't taken her out for breakfast for ages.

I too blew my top and told her she was being a selfish needy twat and to get back to me when she can apologise and actually behave like a parent and not a child.

Try that,it worked Grin

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/08/2023 22:19

Sometimes you just need to say it like it is. It would appear this has been brewing for awhile.

My mum had her share of faults, but one of them wasn’t understanding that as a grown woman I had a different set of priorities.

Sorry though, you sound like you reached your limit. It happens.

JollyGoodWine · 04/08/2023 22:25

YANBU. I'm picturing my children grown up, and I cannot ever imagine saying the words "I don't seem to be your priority anymore" to them.

While I hope they would want to spend some time with me, and be there if I needed them, I would expect them to prioritise their own children, partner and job over me. That's the way it's supposed to work.

1993GoToo · 04/08/2023 22:29

Why on earth would she think she is in any way your priority?? How utterly bizarre.

YANBU. I can't think of a time when a parent would EVER be more of a priority than a child. Especially little ones like you have. Totally and utterly selfish.

Mischeiviouswoody · 05/08/2023 00:03

My mothers a needy bitch too. Always has been.
Being reasonable will get you nowhere. Stand firm and just get on with your life.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 00:07

Ah. You have a ‘superstar’ mother.

Exhausting. YANBU at all.

FortyFacedFuckers · 05/08/2023 00:10

Honestly OP she sounds like one of those people that no matter what you do it will never be enough & she won't be happy, I wouldn't even bother trying, just continue doing what you can.

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 00:14

Your mum is very needy and immature to say that to you. Of course you're not her priority!!
I'm the same with my mum always having to consider her in everything, feeling bad if I don't Include her etc although she never (intentionally) makes me feel bad but she will give little hints at how 'oh I'd love to go there shame I don't have anyone to go with' but she'd never outwardly say it.

The only way to deal with this is to be very very blunt. "Mum I have a busy life and yes you're right you're not my priority you're right but if you care about me you won't put anymore on my plate"

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 00:15

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 00:14

Your mum is very needy and immature to say that to you. Of course you're not her priority!!
I'm the same with my mum always having to consider her in everything, feeling bad if I don't Include her etc although she never (intentionally) makes me feel bad but she will give little hints at how 'oh I'd love to go there shame I don't have anyone to go with' but she'd never outwardly say it.

The only way to deal with this is to be very very blunt. "Mum I have a busy life and yes you're right you're not my priority you're right but if you care about me you won't put anymore on my plate"

*i meant of course she's not your priority

sesquipedalian · 05/08/2023 00:16

I don’t understand your mother - why on earth should she think she should be your priority? I certainly don’t expect my children to make me their priority: they have partners and spouses and children of their own. I do know, though, that my mother’s MIL used to get a bit shirty because she thought my DF should make her a priority - which IMO is definitely deluded. I think there are some mothers who just can’t get over the fact that their children have grown up and have new priorities and responsibilities. I fear your mother won’t change, so just be as nice to her as you can, and get on with your life as you want to, putting your own household first.

Somanycats · 05/08/2023 00:24

In a way its a compliment to her that she is not your priority. We tend to prioritise the most needy. So my son was my priority when he was tiny and my parents were in great health. Now he is independent at 28 and they are both fading rapidly, they have through necessity become a much bigger priority

EhrlicheFrau · 05/08/2023 07:52

I don't think she should be your top priority overall, or expect that.
I do think it's not unreasonable that you might, in certain situations (such as if she was quite ill) move her up the 'priority list', with support from your OH to allow you do that for a certain amount of time.
I do think she sounds quite needy and demanding, does she have any other friends/family/social life, or is she too centred on you/your family to provide her with company?
I feel like while telling her she isn't your main priority, which is the right thing to do, you also have to reassure he she is still 'a' priority and part of your life, and maybe gently encourage her to develop more interests/hobbies, meet new people etc.
Good luck!

MariaVT65 · 05/08/2023 07:57

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

She sounds like my mum, who fell out with me because I wouldn’t let her do a reading at my wedding, yet she didn’t bother to come dress shopping with me. it all has to be about eyes on her.

Your mum is lucky that she lives close to you. I live a few hours away from my mum. And she will never be my priority (partly because I have never had a close relationship with her). Absolutely concentrate on your kids!

AbacusAvocado · 05/08/2023 08:13

Is your dad still around? Only I noticed you don’t mention him as part of her life now.

It must be very hard for people who are widowed or divorced to feel that they are nobody’s priority anymore.

Obviously you’re right though. For me, my children are my priority, followed by my husband (I’m not trying to do a job as well!).

I guess reassure her a bit that obviously you love her and she’s still very important in your life, but at the moment you are overwhelmed looking after young children and they have to be your priority.

ZenNudist · 05/08/2023 08:18

Don't feel guilty. You were in the right. Harping on about wedding 10y ago is crazy. You were in the right then too.

ChubbyMorticia · 05/08/2023 08:21

Of course she’s not your priority! What a ridiculous thing for her to say.

You were honest with her, and so you should be. That she has a major case of Main Character Syndrome is her problem to deal with, not yours

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2023 08:23

She’s presumably always been this way? I don’t think you need to (or should) apologise. You could apologise for losing your temper and shouting, I guess, but explain you were frustrated that she can’t see that you have a lot of caring responsibilities and at this point in your life it’s normal to focus more on your children than your parents.

Is your dad still around, or is she widowed or divorced?

SoberIsTheNew50 · 05/08/2023 08:26

Wowsers.

Your mother is totally totally unreasonable and selfish. has she always been self obsessed and like the world revolves around her?

Good on you for snapping. I'd be doing even less to be frank.

SoberIsTheNew50 · 05/08/2023 08:27

'Main character syndrome' I like that phrase.

custardlover · 05/08/2023 08:33

Is she my mum? I could have written this too. YANBU.

Ffaldiri · 05/08/2023 08:34

My mum said EXACTLY the same thing to me when I got my first serious boyfriend at the age of 30! It opened my eyes to how she saw me, I was soon called selfish too as funnily enough for the first time in my life my priority in life was my own happiness, not trying to keep her happy.

OP, she sounds like a dick and will probably bear this grudge against you for ever. Do what makes you and your DH/DC happy.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2023 08:35

You could, if you wanted to, say to her - “Mum, am I your priority? Because if I am, please don’t put any extra pressure on me.”

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 08:35

She sounds like an absolute PITA and no matter how much you try you will get grief from her.

You have so much on, you really need to mind yourself before you get sick.

In your place I would take a huge step back and stop indulging her selfishness, otherwise it will only get worse as you age.

Her behaviour is not normal.

She is needy and demanding.

Stop tolerating this.

Mind yourself OP.

Greenwitchhorse · 05/08/2023 08:43

Your are absolutely right.

She is not your priority as you have your own life and family now.

Good on you for reminding her of your boundaries.

Sausagenbacon · 05/08/2023 08:44

It sounds as though you're already giving your mum a lot of attention so, YANBU.
but I would not get angry, or I'd try not to get angry. I'd reassure her that you still love her.
I'm in my 60s and am still a daughter of a pretty demanding mother, and, yes, it is annoying.
But I'm also a grandmother. And , yes, it sometimes does feel as though you're forgotten.
So, in a long-winded way, what I'm saying is just have a chat. You don't have to offer more time, but just reassure her.