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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my mum she’s not my priority?

93 replies

Booboojump · 04/08/2023 22:14

I got in to a bit of a heated argument with my mum the other day and I’m regretting what I said.

She was the one the brought up that I don’t seem to be her priority anymore…. I’m mid 30s, 3 children 6, 5 and 3 I work part time, cat, dog, house and husband (in that order 😂)

I was mad and I agreed with her that she indeed was not my main priority so much anymore! Why can’t you see that!

She has a completely fine life, I see her a couple of times a week, with the kids. I always remember birthdays, mothers day…. Take things the kids make to her, take some cakes/donuts, go for lunch with her every couple of weeks, we go shopping a couple of times a month. She has friends, siblings, a nice house, financial fine…

I sort of snapped…I shouted (not my finest hour) how I do EVERYTHING for everyone in my house, I’m trying my best at everything, 3 young children, school holidays, maintain a career, social life, time with husband, gym, fucking drinking enough water. I am at MAXIMUM capacity all the fucking time. I can’t give you a full grown seemingly normal adult anymore of me… I have nothing else to give you.

This is 10 years ago and she spoke like this was yesterday… She brought up when I got married, “that’s when it started, you not caring about me” the main problem was when showing our parents the wedding venue and I had arranged for the florist to meet me and my husband there. All the other parents (my dad and my now in-laws) sort of walked away saying we will leave you both to it to discuss the flowers and my mum didn’t move, fine but she then kept saying stuff like “well I don’t know what colour I’m going to be wearing” I asked her to stop as I wanted/needed to talk to the florist. And apparently this was one of the rudest things anyone has said to her and the florist looked at her with sympathy…

I don’t know what do to. I feel my mum should be considerate to my life at present surely? I don’t think I need to do more for her or be more for her? AIBU?

OP posts:
Sausagenbacon · 05/08/2023 08:45

And I think a lot of posters on this thread might think differently when they're old.

KnittedCardi · 05/08/2023 08:46

There's a lot of them about. DM was the same to me. I spent too much time and energy on the children. I loved them too much, was too close to them. It was all my DH's fault, started when I married him. She spent so much time and money on my wedding (with all her friends). Looking back I was so manipulated. Jealous needy women.

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 08:46

She needs a life of her own.

I'm assuming she's divorced/ widowed? Sounds like she's never come to terms with this. Has she tried dating?

NancyJoan · 05/08/2023 08:50

Oh, hello, are you me? Have exactly that same issue, with a side serving of ‘poor me, I haven’t seen anyone all week. No, no, I know you are busy’ martyrism.

I recently asked my mum who exactly she thought had me as their priority. No bugger, that’s who. DH and I both prioritise the kids/ the house/work, she clearly thinks about herself first second and third, I just have to get on with it. Exhausting.

electriclight · 05/08/2023 08:51

Yes she is being ridiculous and unreasonable and I am not surprised that you snapped at her.

You sound like a very involved daughter, despite your other obligations, and I think that she will regret raising this as an issue.

However, I can say that it is very hard to slip down the pecking order as your children become adults and parents themselves. It doesn't matter that you did the same to your parents, or that it's the natural order of things, or that you're proud of their achievements, it is still hard to adjust and difficult. I expect a lot of people feel it as they become increasingly invisible and irrelevant, but have the sense to keep it to themselves.

FlamingoQueen · 05/08/2023 08:53

But it sounds like you see her all the time! I thought you were going to say that she lived in the Outer Hebrides and you lived in deepest darkest Cornwall! I think your Mum needs to get a grip or she runs the risk of you dropping what you do actually do. Particularly, as it sounds like she has a life of her own too and can manage perfectly well on her own.

bowiesmum · 05/08/2023 08:54

I could have written this about my DM. It's so much pressure. I assume your mum isn't in a relationship? Mine is the same and it's like she treats me as her partner. It's really smothering. I have to see her either every day or second day.
If I do something without her I feel bad. My DH gets fed up every now and again because I have to bring her everywhere.
She expects me to make all the plans too. Like she will say things like 'we never go anywhere good' but will not actually make plans herself.

It's really smothering. I feel awful because she loves me and just wants to spend time with us but at the same time it's nearly more manipulative..every now and again I will blow under pressure and she says things like 'wouldn't it be worse if I didn't love you..' drives me mad

Allwelcone · 05/08/2023 09:08

electriclight · 05/08/2023 08:51

Yes she is being ridiculous and unreasonable and I am not surprised that you snapped at her.

You sound like a very involved daughter, despite your other obligations, and I think that she will regret raising this as an issue.

However, I can say that it is very hard to slip down the pecking order as your children become adults and parents themselves. It doesn't matter that you did the same to your parents, or that it's the natural order of things, or that you're proud of their achievements, it is still hard to adjust and difficult. I expect a lot of people feel it as they become increasingly invisible and irrelevant, but have the sense to keep it to themselves.

Well said @electriclight
Your mum needs proactive reassurance, not having "the truth" rubbed in her face.

Tell her you love her, but you're a just a bit busy and continue how you are, hopefuly including her whenever you can.

Sounds as if you're reacting to your mum's criticism of your life choices.

AdoraBell · 05/08/2023 09:13

I agree you have nothing to feel guilty about, your mother is behaving like a toddler.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 05/08/2023 09:14

It’s the main character energy vibe 🙄

My mil was a total bitch to dh when he was dying and made it all about her. Now she never even mentions him.

Like fuck the florist was sympathetic.

Couldyounot · 05/08/2023 09:21

Absolutely YANBU. Also, where in all that lot do you get any time for yourself?

Namechangedforthis25 · 05/08/2023 09:23

Sounds like my mum

she got really annoyed with me on the day before my wedding because the hotel put her in a nice room but a bit further from me than my aunt. These were all nice hotels in a five star hotel which I paid for… she didn’t even speak to me the night before my wedding and said I always treat her like nothing

i did so much to organise our wedding I really didn’t even know that the hotel had rooms in that part of the hotel - and she only told me when it was too late

her feeling of not being prioritised Jas only got worse as I’ve had my Dcs. She is always saying I look down on them and don’t prioritise them- I tell her she is one of my priorities in life still but I need to prioritise my children over her as they are vulnerable

itsmylife7 · 05/08/2023 09:23

bloody hail she sounds draining.
Tell her to get a life or toyboy lover. 😁

Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2023 09:26

It's normal enough to miss the closeness you have with your children before they develop their own responsibilities. Once they have a partner, children, pets, a house to run, often full-time employment as well, that obviously has to be their focus and it's only right, just as I did the same the generation before. There will be a certain wistfulness, fair enough. But... priority? What crazy stuff is this? If my grown offspring were in my pocket 24/7, if I were the centre of their universe, I'd be doing it wrong. Them growing up is the opportunity for me to, at last, centre myself a bit. To nurture my own independence. To let them get on with it in the comforting knowledge I've seen 4 adults off into the world able to function without my input, although obviously if they do need me I'm happy to oblige, because we do care about each other and hopefully always will; and one day I may need their help in my turn, but NOT to the exclusion of their own offspring. It's the great Circle of Life, and all that.

If you want constant adoration, get a pet. Although even a cat or a dog needs its own space some of the time.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/08/2023 09:30

Sounds like it needed to be said, OP. Sometimes the truth hurts. You were not BU in any way.

The parent-child relationship is a weirdly imbalanced one. If we do our jobs properly as parents, then they will always prioritise us less than we prioritise them. That's entirely as it should be, but I can see why some people struggle to cope with the imbalance. It's just the nature of being a parent though - your kids need you more than anything in those very early years but inevitably, you become less and less important in their lives as they get older and have families of their own.

BMW6 · 05/08/2023 09:33

Good grief in what insane universe would she be your priority over your own children 🙄

Personally I'd tell her straight and cut down my visits to once a week at most to reinforce your priorities. Don't rake a single second more of this ridiculous attitude OP.

Anothernamethesamegame · 05/08/2023 09:42

Do you spend time with her because you enjoy it and love her or because you feel you have to and she makes drama if you don’t?

seems like you are seeing her much more than many people see their mums. She sounds like someone who won’t ever be happy, no matter what you do. So I’d stop trying to make her happy.

Although not ideal I can’t blame you for shouting at her. She sounds deluded. How can someone with kids, job etc do any more than you are for her at the moment.

AlmostTotallyFake · 05/08/2023 09:43

Did she prioritise her own mother when you were younger?
If not why not, that is what she is asking you to do!

ThomasHardyPerennial · 05/08/2023 09:44

My mother is very similar. A lot of the time I don't think she actually wants to spend time with me, she just doesn't want to be alone. There is a big difference.

We don't exist as children, purely to provide entertainment to our parents.

Beamur · 05/08/2023 09:48

You really weren't bu. I was very close to my Mum, but my DD was my priority. The only time I prioritised my Mum was when she was seriously ill.
And, I knew she was ok with this, because it was her values too.
I would expect my DD to do the same too.

User0224 · 05/08/2023 09:52

Twice a week! Good grief. I see mine once a month and she’s never treated me the way your mum has. Poor you. Out of interest, do you have any siblings? Or are you all she has? x

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/08/2023 10:00

Blimey. I’d be very worried if I was my DS’s priority. He has a wife and son who should be prioritised above me. Surely that’s the way of things?

MrsRachelDanvers · 05/08/2023 10:02

I’d curl up with shame if I ever guilt tripped my adult children like that. You sound like the type of daughter anyone sane would wish for. If I were you, I’d try pleasing myself more and pleasing your mother less as the fact that you go above and beyond filial love and duty seems completely wasted on her.

Enko · 05/08/2023 10:05

Sausagenbacon · 05/08/2023 08:45

And I think a lot of posters on this thread might think differently when they're old.

I disagree. I work in retirement the age bracket where I work is 71 to 95. Not one of the residents expect their children to make them their priority. Many have close loving relationships.
Some have children who visit daily. But they all say "they have their life to lead and that's the right way"

Op I think the answer would be " o
Off course you are not my priority what sort of messed up idea would that be for the child to have the parent as the priority?"

Thelonelygiraffe · 05/08/2023 10:08

Op, you do masses for your mum. What does she do for you?

You were not U to snap at her. She sounds selfish and self-obsessed.

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