AIBU for telling my mum she’s not my priority?

[Booboojump]

I got in to a bit of a heated argument with my mum the other day and I’m regretting what I said.

She was the one the brought up that I don’t seem to be her priority anymore…. I’m mid 30s, 3 children 6, 5 and 3 I work part time, cat, dog, house and husband (in that order 😂)

I was mad and I agreed with her that she indeed was not my main priority so much anymore! Why can’t you see that!

She has a completely fine life, I see her a couple of times a week, with the kids. I always remember birthdays, mothers day…. Take things the kids make to her, take some cakes/donuts, go for lunch with her every couple of weeks, we go shopping a couple of times a month. She has friends, siblings, a nice house, financial fine…

I sort of snapped…I shouted (not my finest hour) how I do EVERYTHING for everyone in my house, I’m trying my best at everything, 3 young children, school holidays, maintain a career, social life, time with husband, gym, fucking drinking enough water. I am at MAXIMUM capacity all the fucking time. I can’t give you a full grown seemingly normal adult anymore of me… I have nothing else to give you.

This is 10 years ago and she spoke like this was yesterday… She brought up when I got married, “that’s when it started, you not caring about me” the main problem was when showing our parents the wedding venue and I had arranged for the florist to meet me and my husband there. All the other parents (my dad and my now in-laws) sort of walked away saying we will leave you both to it to discuss the flowers and my mum didn’t move, fine but she then kept saying stuff like “well I don’t know what colour I’m going to be wearing” I asked her to stop as I wanted/needed to talk to the florist. And apparently this was one of the rudest things anyone has said to her and the florist looked at her with sympathy…

I don’t know what do to. I feel my mum should be considerate to my life at present surely? I don’t think I need to do more for her or be more for her? AIBU?

I totally accept that I am not my adult children's priority and nor should I be (until my last few hours. I hope they would drop everything if I was on my deathbed 😂). I am proud they are independent individuals making a life for themselves.

On the flip side my sons' dad's parents decided to take early retirement and repatriate to their country of origin. Built a big fancy house then his Dad died (about 20 years ago). His mother just spent, spent, spent. Unfortunately she then had a stroke and needs pretty much 24 hour care (it's affected her mobility rather than cognitive function). She genuinely expected her son to pack up his life here and move out to provide care for her. When he said 'no' with one factor (of many) being that his sons are here she threw a complete fit about how dare he put his sons before her!

She then asked him to pay for the care she needed. Again he said he couldn't especially as our youngest is about to start Uni and any spare money would go to him. Again not only was she furious he was putting his son before her she managed to get various various family members on side to harass him about it. As he said his parents decided to take early retirement, repatriate and build the huge mansion like house and his mother has not budgeted in anyway.

OP you are not doing anything wrong. You are perfectly right in telling your mother why she is not your priority and why.

I disagree. I work in retirement the age bracket where I work is 71 to 95. Not one of the residents expect their children to make them their priority. Many have close loving relationships.
Some have children who visit daily. But they all say "they have their life to lead and that's the right way"
I venture that they might not be telling you all the truth about how they feel. Why would they?

She is controlling.

She is not your child and you don’t need to make her a priority.

The worry is if she’s like this now, what’s she going to be like in 10 years when she does actually need support.
She’s doing herself no favours by depending on you so much.

She is a grown adult and needs to be independent.
For some people (I’ve noticed mothers especially) the more you do for them, the more they expect.

I would pull back.
See her once a week at the most.

She wants to be your significant other and you have you as her pet so that you will focus your attention on her, n other words she doesn't want you to have an independent life she wants you to exist for her benefit and convenience, she doesn't want you to fly the nest and develop your own independent personality she wants you to be a mini me who never transcends her.

I'd be saying to her that shouldn't she be helping you and helping grandkids rather than the other way around

I have adult daughters and I’d be worried if I was their priority. It’s my job to help them out and support them where I can, not be another drain on their time and energy. The aim when you raise your children is that you end up with independent adults, hopefully able to enjoy their lives and fulfil their ambitions.

Should the day come when they feel they have to put me before their own children, husbands, homes, jobs then it will be because there’s something horribly wrong with me and not much time left.

My own mother can be a bit of a narcissist but at least in her case she’s only interested in herself - she doesn’t expect the rest of us to revolve around her too.

Stick to your guns, you’re doing nothing wrong

You really can’t think of any time when your parent has higher priority? I’ve had several times when my parents were higher priority. When my mother was dying. When she had just died and my father was in bits. When my father was in Intensive Care. When I found my father in his kitchen with blood everywhere.

My dad is like this at the moment (though actually he has been most of my life i think, i'm only just seeing it fully)
His standard of living has slipped because my mum had to give up driving him (driving him everywhere, every day, whatever his whim!) as she is also now disabled.
I gave them ALL my spare energy for over a year to get shopping, doctors, hospitals, meals out, etc.

Bare in mind, in this time I was also supporting my maternal Grandma who has been seriously ill and in hospital for months, twice, in the last two years. My dad never wanted to visit her, so I was responsible for taking my mum there too, not local, 2 hours there, 2 hours back.

Then my MIL had a stroke, my DH had mental health problems and my DS15 just needs parenting as any teen does.

I've taken a step back from my parents as care was put in place, eventually; they have Mobility trips to the supermarket once a week, church members running round after them like they're a charity case, a gardener, cleaner etc and are at the top of the waiting list for assisted accomodation.

It was quite a relief when the panicked phonecalls stopped, when the demands stopped coming several times a week. As a family we took a collective breath and enjoyed the quiet while we got through to the end of term (we're all in education)

Til I popped over to take mum flowers on her birthday and to take them out for dinner.
My dad was waiting for me, RAGING that I'd not been near them in 2.5 weeks, no phonecalls, nothing 😡abandoned them... he's been in a terrible state crocodile tears emote

All because he's not been my priority.
I walked out.
DS followed, slightly traumatised.
DH, bless him, stayed behind and told my dad some truths.

Now we're all getting the silent treatment. The last record was 4 weeks of silence. Bliss.

She is being unreasonable.

Perhaps you could have appealed to her better nature but you weren't wrong.

She needs some perspective. My mum can be like this and then she speaks to her friends/sisters and they set her straight.

She'll get over it.

@Em3978

Did he not think to call
You?

My MIL whinges that I don't go round. I just tell her that she's welcome at mine anytime.

That was my direct reply.
My telepathy should clearly be better.

I've since found out that in that 2.5 weeks, they've had their hair cut, been to church, been shopping, visited my Grandma (she told us, they didn't) after someone incredibly kind offered them a lift...

I'm clearly meant to be SuperDaughter!

I feel incredibly British, because I can’t imagine ever telling someone I should be their priority or telling someone that they weren’t mine. It feels like the sort of thing people should know but not say out loud…

I mean, if you grow up and have your own family unit, it’s perfectly reasonable for that to be your priority, but it feels a bit too blunt/direct to actually say that…

My mum hardly bothers but when she does, she has to be the main character and centre of attention. It’d exhausting and embarrassing. Yanbu.

Goodness me, her only job as a mother is to support YOU. Not the other way around?

Have you always been the ‘parent’?
Or is this childlike neediness a response to old age and/or becoming a widow?

Stop doing everything.
You are seriously running yourself into the ground, already you are at breaking point; I can hear that and I am a stranger. Her reaction to this is to pile more pressure on you.

Why are you seeing her so much every week? It’s all too much.
Reassess your life, make time for yourself and tell her very clearly that you will see her every month, and stop pandering to her needs and start looking after your own.

Your list reads, kids, job, pets, husband, mother and then you.

@Em3978 so sorry that this has been your experience. I always knew my MIL had ‘main character syndrome’ ( love that descriptor ) , but sadly my dear dad developed it too when mum died. It’s hard.

Agree with both your posts

You would only see your mum once a month?

Plus I don't agree mothers should only support their children and not receive support back, that's not reasonable in adult relationships, it's just exploitative there is a happy balance

I remember some threads about mummy martyrs who only spend time with their family and never see friends without their children. Always wondered if they are going to end up like OPs mum when older because they have no life outside their kids.

I agree with @Sausagenbacon .As a 55 year old grandmother, working full time with a demanding mother of my own, I do get pangs when sometimes my DD takes a bit longer to get back to me when she has a lot on her plate. It is totally understandable but you can't help feeling a bit on the edge sometimes. I see it from both sides and sometimes it may be kinder to offer a little extra reassurance. God knows I've wanted to shout at my mum many a time but a deep breath and a kind word can go a long way.

Yes mine is like this. She's lonely and craves attention and interaction. Despite the fact that she has a pretty full life, friends, social stuff, independence, no money worries, good health. according to her she never sees anybody and never goes anywhere which is utter bollocks.

She tells me that she wants to do stuff, so I'll arrange things and it's either too loud, too busy, too hot, too cold, too tired, too expensive.

There is no pleasing her most of the time and she is always ready to pick out the faults in most things.

When things don't go her way she will have a tantrum. It's exhausting and has caused a huge amount of stress for me and my sibling. She has forgotten what it's like to work full time and have a family, husband, animals etc.

She also did not have this level of pressure and expectation from her own parents which makes it even worse!!

My aim in life is to take my father’s approach to retirement - he appears every now and then to see his grandchildren and will do ad hoc childcare if we’re stuck, but is mostly cycling/gardening/golfing/socialising/holidaying. Getting hold of him even via a quick message is a challenge, despite us living in the same village!

My mum, however, has nothing in her life but her children and work. She often says that she lives only for seeing her grandchildren. She’s been this martyresque and needy since her divorce 30+ years ago.

Looking at them both, you can clearly see who is happiest. I wonder if your mum might be less clingy if she had more going on in her life….could you/other family gently encourage her to get involved in something? Volunteering?

Yes I have only ever seen my mother once a month. I am an independent person, she is an independent person.

@saltinesandcoffeecups fair enough if it works for you but don't think you should equate it with independence. People who see their mothers more are not dependent. I actually think it's pretty sad you equate independence with only seeing your mum 12 times in a year.

Apologies @saltinesandcoffeecups I meant to refer to @Sailingthissummer