AIBU for telling my mum she’s not my priority?

[Booboojump]

I got in to a bit of a heated argument with my mum the other day and I’m regretting what I said.

She was the one the brought up that I don’t seem to be her priority anymore…. I’m mid 30s, 3 children 6, 5 and 3 I work part time, cat, dog, house and husband (in that order 😂)

I was mad and I agreed with her that she indeed was not my main priority so much anymore! Why can’t you see that!

She has a completely fine life, I see her a couple of times a week, with the kids. I always remember birthdays, mothers day…. Take things the kids make to her, take some cakes/donuts, go for lunch with her every couple of weeks, we go shopping a couple of times a month. She has friends, siblings, a nice house, financial fine…

I sort of snapped…I shouted (not my finest hour) how I do EVERYTHING for everyone in my house, I’m trying my best at everything, 3 young children, school holidays, maintain a career, social life, time with husband, gym, fucking drinking enough water. I am at MAXIMUM capacity all the fucking time. I can’t give you a full grown seemingly normal adult anymore of me… I have nothing else to give you.

This is 10 years ago and she spoke like this was yesterday… She brought up when I got married, “that’s when it started, you not caring about me” the main problem was when showing our parents the wedding venue and I had arranged for the florist to meet me and my husband there. All the other parents (my dad and my now in-laws) sort of walked away saying we will leave you both to it to discuss the flowers and my mum didn’t move, fine but she then kept saying stuff like “well I don’t know what colour I’m going to be wearing” I asked her to stop as I wanted/needed to talk to the florist. And apparently this was one of the rudest things anyone has said to her and the florist looked at her with sympathy…

I don’t know what do to. I feel my mum should be considerate to my life at present surely? I don’t think I need to do more for her or be more for her? AIBU?

I am a parent of adult daughters all of whom have children I cannot imagine expecting any of them to put me as their priority! Any time they spend with me or thinking about me I am grateful for and happy about; and I try to do the same the other way round. Their priorities are their own families as was mine when they were little and my mother understood that.

I accidentally clicked YABU - sorry! You can knock a point off the vote as one being an accident.

YANBU!!!!

She is outrageous. You have 3 young children and SHE ought to be your priority?! That’s just illogical.

You can change your vote.

It also sounds to me as if you see her lots & do lots together.

As a rule do you get on?

As for equating you getting married to no longer caring!

Of course she’s not your priority, a fully grown adult would realise this. I’m not my daughter’s priority and don’t expect to be. Their priorities are children, their DH’s, work, their dogs.

Yes mine goes on like this too. 80s. All about them. Think they forget we work. Its draining op. We are expected to drop everything. I took a back step from it all.

I'm brutal but I'd just pull back 100% and see how long it takes your Mum to process where you're coming from. You're not her Mum so she needs to see the issue and support you.

If she's fit and well then of course your children and DH should be your priority. As your DC grow up and need you less and she may become more frail then of course your priorities may change. You already see her a lot, and maybe she's become too reliant on you for entertainment and needs to socialise with her friends or partner more. Are you an only child, or the only sibling that lives near her? Parents who invest so much in their DC and make them the centre of their existence may be setting themselves up for loneliness as their DC grow up and develop their own lives.

I am divorced and nobodies priority but I'm afraid that's my problem, not something to burden other people with! Least of all people with young dependent children.

Adult women with grown children shouldnt expect to be number one priority with those children. Parents usually put their kids needs first, then their partners and everyone else follows. Thats natural progression. Did your mother put her mother at the top of the pile?

Think different times then solonge. Oh I minded my mother. Little traffic when I had my first baby. Most women work now. My mother is selfish i can only do so much in the week. They forget how busy life is now.

Some mothers are just like this. Twice a week is a lot, I would step back a bit from that.

Mine has started muttering about how when she's old, I wouldn't give up my job and move back to my home town to look after her. Too right , I wouldn't give up my career, uproot my kids and DH's career! What a ridiculous expectation. Especially when she didn't lift a finger to look after her own mother and barely even spoke to her on the phone

Me too!

I think this is the nub of the issue. When your kids are tiny, they are the focus of your world. Once they are adults and fledged, you concentrate on ageing parents more, because they suddenly turn into the neediest element of your life. If you, like us, didn't have children until you were over 40, the split demands of elderly possibly frail parents and teens can be a clash. But in my opinion, the young need to take priority. We all get old, and we all die. Rich or poor. Make it as good as you can. For disclosure, I have a DC of 24 and my DM is 88, and in good health; she can walk into town without a stick or a frame, and my DS takes her to the big supermarket for shopping. My DM has a comfortable, loved life at the centre of the town where most of the family are settled, that she chose. We live 230 miles away, and think we'll move closer when we retire, so we're about 90 minutes distant. The big BUT is that not being quite retired yet (we're 67) we are still balancing our own business and everything else.

A lot of venom and nastiness here! She does sound difficult.
The boot is very often on the other foot though and that's not always appreciated.
As children go on to make their own families the parents/parent in many cases have to make their own lives that can become very active with partners/work/new hobbies/travel and who are the children to say these are not important? And yet most parents will still drop everything to help grown up children, at least that is my experience. Often in less than perfect health but hanging on in there.

You are right to put your family first, and to use cliche phrase (petrol in own tank). Some people do not understand that as their children grow, have own families/lives etc they have to put first and sometimes for the parent that is never enough (not saying bad person but don't understand). My birth family cut me out of their lives, (on surface - huge dysfunction I suspect) for this reason. Ignore, my DC fighting clinical MH issues (priority), breast cancer, ongoing effects of, DH both parents dying, loss of adored 4 legged family member, DH heart issues, loss of another loved family member, Covid, getting my head together after almost breaking in frontline child safeguarding job, living 3 hours away ,(on good traffic day), house rebuild. I phoned 4/5 times a week, as did DC. But I should have done more, (never mentioned at time, but "we should not have to ask"). So thank u for letting of my chest, but going back to person posting....be firm, kind, older people can be thoughtless, and never let this progress to bitterness. Life is too short. BW and hope sorts out

You know what? I’m fucking proud of you. I imagine if you pull back from her and see her/speak to her as often as most people in your situation do, you’ll have a hell of a lot more mental space to enjoy the rest of your life. (Maybe not the water consumption, though…) She is manipulative and you have been put in a position of seeking her approval. It’s never going to happen. What you give will never be enough. Work out what works for you and take control. Call her out on her manipulative behaviour and tell her to grow the fuck up.