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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put a complete ban on buying anything for my children from shops?

90 replies

DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 16:11

DS is 4.5. He is a nightmare in shops!

He gets completely overwhelmed and whips himself up in to a frenzy.

He wants to buy something, and this could be absolutely anything, that alone will calm him down.

We tried to manage it by giving him a small amount of pocket money but he will just search high and low to find something that can be bought for the amount he has. I thought giving pocket money would give him a sense of control but I think he's too young to understand.

He's a bit like a drug addict looking for his next high.

We have very reasonable conversations beforehand. But it all goes to pot. If he kicks off / starts to spiral we leave straight away but it happens every time and sometimes I just need to go in a shop, i can't always avoid them!

I might ban any shop purchases and say he can choose something to save up for and I will get it for him. How can I manage this better?

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 04/08/2023 16:14

"We're only buying food today".

"No".

"Right, we're leaving. You can have spaghetti hoops we already have at home for dinner."

SoRad · 04/08/2023 16:15

No!

greydressinggownofdoom · 04/08/2023 16:17

Just say no.

pastatriangles · 04/08/2023 16:19

You could try making a shopping list with him and he could help you find everything you need, without getting anything off the list?

Original poster
DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 16:20

I feel I've been consistently doing that for a year or so. We try go out as a pair so someone could immediately remove him from the shop and take him back to the car. Being consistent had no effect on future meltdowns. It's like a proper hyperventilating, eyes darting, loss of control type meltdown.

The pocket money is a new thing as we thought it would help. But it has not.

OP posts:
Astromelia · 04/08/2023 16:21

Tell him no. But maybe offer to take photos of anything he really loves for his birthday/Xmas list.

Needmorelego · 04/08/2023 16:23

Don’t take him shopping. For anything.

newuser9090 · 04/08/2023 16:23

@Astromelia we take photos of things for to remember and it really helps as it's not no it's just not now. And most of the time it's forgotten about later anyway. I have already started the Christmas photo list!

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 16:23

If it is as bad as you describe, I think you're being unfair on both him and yourself taking him to shops.

Give him a year off, see if he grows out of it.

Do you religiously stick to a list or do you browse/impulse buy?

But just stop taking him.

YesitsBess · 04/08/2023 16:24

My two (much older) were always brought up with the expectation that supermarket shopping was for food. Never sweets or toys or magazines, just a flat no. Sweets and toys were a separate shop for a different day.

If I put something extra in the trolley that was an extra treat I'd decided on. If they asked it was always no.

This wasn't some amazing parenting rule on my part, I'd just seen how my sisters behaved when they were little and thought "absolutely not having that".

A friend of mine has a child who is an absolute terror like this and I sympathise but I think you're going to have to put your foot down.

Maybe a separate 'pocket money shop' on a different day at a smaller shop if you can?

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/08/2023 16:25

I agree with @calmcoco avoid going to shops with him. He is too young to understand money and it is causing you all distress.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2023 16:26

If he can't handle shops without that sort of behaviour and emotional response, I'd probably not take him shopping at all.

To address the behaviour and emotional response, you're probably going to need to establish what is driving it.

How has he got into a position where not buying something each time you visit a shops results in that behaviour? Was there a time when he was younger where he got used to being bought something? Or is this a new obsession that's developed out the blue?

Ragwort · 04/08/2023 16:28

Just don't take him shopping, you mention a partner so surely one of you can shop and the other can go to the park/stay home/whatever. Even if you have to drive to the shops together you don't need to both trail round the shops ? I work in retail and I am constantly surprised at the number of families that seem to love shopping as a family activity.

QuietDragon · 04/08/2023 16:32

I'm a mean parent and always say 'no'.

They soon give up asking.

Longwhiskers · 04/08/2023 16:34

I’m a meanie and don’t buy my kids anything in the supermarket shop! I buy biscuits and other treats as a normal thing and occasionally we go to the proper sweet shop for a bit of pick and mix. I think you need to break the expectation that supermarket trip = buying him something. I also keep the buying of magazines with the plastic tat on the front for airports and train journeys.

MuggleMe · 04/08/2023 16:35

Photos work for us if we're anywhere near a birthday or Christmas.

Lkahsvtv · 04/08/2023 16:35

I realised wr got into the habit of always buying something for DC at the shop (did at as a treat post lockdown and then it became a habit) and now I try to minimise it and prepare DC before we go in. There’s still the requests but I just say not this time, my 6 year old has started to now request things that are helpful such as specific cheese for her lunch box which I will then buy and irs helped increase the variety she eats

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 16:35

Are you and his dad on the same page with this ?

I would put something on the list beforehand that he will like (and you are happy to buy) and if he behaves then buy it and if not then leave it at the shop.

It may take a few goes because it's become a habit but if there's no squash at home and he knows it's because he kicked off yesterday then he will hopefully be motivated to behave. He needs to feel the repercussions of kicking off (no squash)

Is he restrained in a trolley which you shop?

The other tactic is have you considered putting him in a trolley and giving him a device so he doesn't notice his surroundings? This pushes the problem down the line but I often see children in trolleys who are so absorbed by a device that they wouldn't notice their favourite characters doing backflips down the aisles. My son was a nightmare at the supermarket when he was 2 or so and I'm convinced that the lighting made him loopy because his behaviour was very different elsewhere.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 16:38

If he's overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff in the shop then it might be best to discuss what you're going to buy beforehand and have him pick something specifically. For example he might be allowed to pick some fruit that is specifically for him to eat later. I'm an adult and I sometimes find the amount of variety of items on an aisle staggering...

sendismylife · 04/08/2023 16:38

I read somewhere about a mum who let her children choose something for the food bank in the supermarket, which they were responsible for holding - took the focus onto buying for someone else and meant their hands were full.

Gymmum82 · 04/08/2023 16:44

Unfortunately you’ve set the bar that if you go in the shop he gets something. It’ll be hard to break that but not impossible. You just have to be firm no matter how much he kicks off.

Mine don’t even ask because I literally never say yes or buy them anything ever unless it’s their birthday or xmas. If they had pocket money they would also be looking for any piece of tat that cost the exact amount just to have something
My eldest was taken on a day out by a friend to a fete of some sort. I gave her a couple of pounds for an ice cream. She came home with a spanner because she had 50p left and that was the only thing she could get with 50p. A fucking spanner

Sprogonthetyne · 04/08/2023 16:45

If you are shopping with two adults so one can remove him, why doesn't one of you just stay home with him.

Pocket money takes some guidance at that age. Maybe help him to choose something on the smyths website, then show him on a calendar how long it will take to save, and mark off days/weeks until then. Or make a chart and let him earn the toy by doing little jobs or homework.

If you want him to practice choosing and buying things, you could take him to the pound shop every once in a while, when your not doing any other shopping and let him pick one thing. That at least takes away the stress of finding something in budget, or getting upset if he doesn't have enough for the thing he wants.

TeaKitten · 04/08/2023 16:49

The photo thing worked for us, especially if I let DD take the photo herself then she’s physically done something about her desire. Other than that it’s a no. End of story. Kids do better when they no exactly were they stand, it’s not mean, it’s a clear answer.

Zebedee55 · 04/08/2023 16:50

Just say no. It worked for me, years ago.

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 16:51

Could you give him something to be in charge of....so say you're food shopping and you're buying biscuits anyway, he's in charge of choosing the biscuits? Or he could be in charge of ticking things off the shopping list?