To put a complete ban on buying anything for my children from shops?

[DustyGlow]

DS is 4.5. He is a nightmare in shops!

He gets completely overwhelmed and whips himself up in to a frenzy.

He wants to buy something, and this could be absolutely anything, that alone will calm him down.

We tried to manage it by giving him a small amount of pocket money but he will just search high and low to find something that can be bought for the amount he has. I thought giving pocket money would give him a sense of control but I think he's too young to understand.

He's a bit like a drug addict looking for his next high.

We have very reasonable conversations beforehand. But it all goes to pot. If he kicks off / starts to spiral we leave straight away but it happens every time and sometimes I just need to go in a shop, i can't always avoid them!

I might ban any shop purchases and say he can choose something to save up for and I will get it for him. How can I manage this better?

You raised an entitled child now you're complaining? He didn't get this behaviour from nowhere

At that age, my DS was usually in bed and asleep by 6.30. I often used to do a supermarket shop in the evening once DS had gone to bed, and DH stayed home. I quite liked it, it was generally not so busy and less stressy than during the day. My local one had a coffee shop, so I often had a coffee and a cake and caught up with messages then as well, in blissful peace. Not so much in the winter, but all the while it was still light.

DS couldn't handle larger shops until he was about 7 or 8. He found them too bright, too noisy, too much going on.

Yes, I would lie it wasn’t always easy. I would use small local shops where possible if I just needed one thing, ask husband to stay behind (late night supermarkets were my friend). Or grin and bear it.

i would discuss the day before about going to a shop and what we needed, thing is a load of colourful stuff at eye level, bright lights, tinny noise it’s a sensory overload for some.
good luck.

I see - I’d struggle with that when we’re both working and juggling the children.

It would be less hassle for me to just crack on and resolve the issue rather than avoid it.

Each to their own.

Shopping is really boring for kids if they don't get to choose something like a piece of fruit even. Can't you allow him to choose something off your shopping list? You need to set out clear expectations way in advance. We buy sweets or treats on a set day only so my kids are well trained not to ask for sweets unless it's a Saturday.

Sounds very difficult and stressful OP and of course it's each for those not in the situation to pass judgemental comments. What age did this first start?

One parent shops , one stays home with dc. You are making it harder by taking them. Do a Click n Collect or wait until they are at school, at an activity or with you/dad.

Don’t take him shopping until he’s older and understands about money and rewards.
In the meantime, explain to him that toys cost money and he has plenty.

Don’t take him to shops sounds like total sensory overload, go when he’s at school, supermarket home shop or online

@RedRosette2023 yes but sometimes the “issue” is that supermarkets and shopping centres are a big giant sensory overload and some people’s brains (including children) just cannot cope. They may obsess on “wanting” something and can’t focus on anything else.
Adults can avoid this by shopping online or in smaller shops. Children unfortunately go where their parents take them - they haven’t the choice.
The OP simply not taking her child shopping is resolving the issue for now. Taking a small child out of a situation they can’t cope with.

I would try just not taking him. Give it six months maybe a year then try again with some of the ideas on here. When you start again go two or three times a week so he gets used to it.

As an example in a garden centre he decided we needed some lawn treatment which we actually did. He was anxious up to that point. Then we got it and he kept saying 'I chose that, I chose a good one didn't I?' But that only satisfied him because he thought he had come up with the idea himself.

This is unusual. I’d be looking at ND.

Agree the ND aspect changes things.

Ahh, poor kid.

For the time being, don’t take him to the shops. Order online, even if that’s not your preference. If you really need something, wait til your dh is about and one of you go on own.

Ignore others who blame your parenting. All kids are different. This isn’t on you or him. He’s dealing with some really big emotions, it might be worth exploring how to help him manage those in general.

I have a friend whose son has ASD and he is like this when presented with a buffet meal.
We would have church socials with the food out as a buffet and he was overwhelmed by the choice available and had a similar reaction to your son in the supermarket.

It wasn't about the food. It was the choice.
The thing that stands out for me from all your posts is the point where when you follow a list and he gets distressed by something being unavailable.

On the one hand I agree with the pp who say just say no etc.
But if there is some neuro divergence then you need to go with what what works for him, regardless of if that would work for anyone else. In this case that would seem to be avoiding shops for the moment.

If you do need to go in, then lots of preparation - we are going in for bread and milk. Nothing else. Give him a role - can you carry the bread for me etc.