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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put a complete ban on buying anything for my children from shops?

90 replies

DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 16:11

DS is 4.5. He is a nightmare in shops!

He gets completely overwhelmed and whips himself up in to a frenzy.

He wants to buy something, and this could be absolutely anything, that alone will calm him down.

We tried to manage it by giving him a small amount of pocket money but he will just search high and low to find something that can be bought for the amount he has. I thought giving pocket money would give him a sense of control but I think he's too young to understand.

He's a bit like a drug addict looking for his next high.

We have very reasonable conversations beforehand. But it all goes to pot. If he kicks off / starts to spiral we leave straight away but it happens every time and sometimes I just need to go in a shop, i can't always avoid them!

I might ban any shop purchases and say he can choose something to save up for and I will get it for him. How can I manage this better?

OP posts:
staroftheday · 04/08/2023 16:53

I think the OP has most probably of said No, but for some children No doesn't work.
OP I have the same problem with my DS he has autism.
We have found it's all to do with anxiety and the need to buy something gives him the 'feel good feeling' .
We got him a Go Henry when he was 6yrs which did help. He's now 8yrs and if we are going shopping and he's no money left I let him know in advance I've no pennies for xy&z, which does work now he's a bit older.

Original poster
DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 16:56

Ok, will go for a blanket no for everything. And try the photo idea. I also like the food bank idea.

The reason why we both take him is because it is so hard. I find it difficult to manage both kids alone due to this so we had an effort to break the behaviour, essentially trying to shop with strategies to help. So I could go out with them alone. I can't live my life never going into a shop. I work part time so it makes sense for me to go out to pick up essentials on my day off.

But we have now started online supermarket shopping.

We tried for ages. All the people saying we just said no, believe me, we did. He had never been allowed to buy toys etc.

I also tried the shopping list thing but it would all kick off if something wasn't available. I remember someone sniggering behind me as my tiny child sobbed 'but mummy, we will just have to cope with this salmon'

OP posts:
QuietDragon · 04/08/2023 17:00

Is he like this on other situations OP?

It sounds like you've tried a lot of different strategies and his reactions seem extreme.

Shardonneigghhh · 04/08/2023 17:04

I had this problem but with sweets. With 3 kids nipping in for bread and milk got pricey, plus I didn't want them having so much sugar. So I introduced Friday treat, where they got a £1 each to spend as they liked. Every time they asked for sweets I would say "is it Friday?" They soon got the hang of it.

Needmorelego · 04/08/2023 17:09

@DustyGlow but if you are both there shopping because you struggle to cope on your own - just send your partner shopping without you. He can do the shop. If he has time to be accompanying you already then you (and child) don’t need to be there.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2023 17:10

My DS has a thing about buying something - anything - from the shops. He has ADHD and it makes you seek the high of “getting something”.

He’s 9 and I do try to explain why not at this age as well as just saying “no” because they do deserve explanations as much as adults do

Original poster
DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 17:16

Needmorelego · 04/08/2023 17:09

@DustyGlow but if you are both there shopping because you struggle to cope on your own - just send your partner shopping without you. He can do the shop. If he has time to be accompanying you already then you (and child) don’t need to be there.

It was more of a 'let's give up some weekend time to try and crack this' rather than that we all wanted to have the misery of a family shopping trip.

As that would make my life much easier in the long run.

OP posts:
jods19 · 04/08/2023 17:21

Have you thought about doing online shopping and getting it delivered?

Wenfy · 04/08/2023 17:23

DS is 3.5 and I let him buy 2 types of fruit or vegbut only 2 & if he’s good and has no tantrums he gets to pay for them too. It’s fixed the tantrumns and exposed him to different types of food as he insists on eating them that day so it’s a win win lol

Diddykong · 04/08/2023 17:24

We have a list. DC(4) picks up an item, desperately wants it, so we say "ok maybe we can add it to the list?"

The trick is to make the list sound like it's exclusive and you might not let the item on.

Of course there is no actual list, if there was it would be 9 million items long by now.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 17:28

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 16:23

If it is as bad as you describe, I think you're being unfair on both him and yourself taking him to shops.

Give him a year off, see if he grows out of it.

Do you religiously stick to a list or do you browse/impulse buy?

But just stop taking him.

This. He doesn't need to be there.

Needmorelego · 04/08/2023 17:30

@DustyGlow seriously for now do a mix of online shopping and just one adult goes to the shops when you need an actual shop for something. The other adult stay home with the children.
My daughter was very similarly obsessed about buying things so I only took her shopping if I was prepared to buy her something.
I didn’t even take her clothes shopping. She outgrew something - just went to Primark or wherever and got something the next size up.
She is 15 now - still obsessed with buying stuff but is more understanding if we say “no” to something and we tend to have a specific plan of going to certain shops only (she is autistic btw).

June628 · 04/08/2023 17:33

Sorry OP no advice but I didn’t want to read and run. That sounds really difficult for you and your family. I’d say try not to panic that you’ll never be able to go into a shop again… think of it as a phase that will pass one way or another. Not helpful at the moment I know but it helps me to remind myself of that sometimes when the kids are driving me crazy.

Original poster
DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 17:46

I do wonder whether there might be some neurodivergence (autism but what used to be called Asperger's). He is a completely delightful and bright child but this is something he really finds difficult. I can reason with him and he says all the right things away from the situation.

I have 2 children, the eldest is absolutely fine in shops, if she was my only child I would be right there with the people saying 'just say no'.

OP posts:
Rollawaythestone · 04/08/2023 17:46

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 16:35

Are you and his dad on the same page with this ?

I would put something on the list beforehand that he will like (and you are happy to buy) and if he behaves then buy it and if not then leave it at the shop.

It may take a few goes because it's become a habit but if there's no squash at home and he knows it's because he kicked off yesterday then he will hopefully be motivated to behave. He needs to feel the repercussions of kicking off (no squash)

Is he restrained in a trolley which you shop?

The other tactic is have you considered putting him in a trolley and giving him a device so he doesn't notice his surroundings? This pushes the problem down the line but I often see children in trolleys who are so absorbed by a device that they wouldn't notice their favourite characters doing backflips down the aisles. My son was a nightmare at the supermarket when he was 2 or so and I'm convinced that the lighting made him loopy because his behaviour was very different elsewhere.

I think "restraining" a 4 and a half year old in a trolley is a bit much, even if he would fit in it or be willing to sit in a baby seat. He's not a toddler. Saying no, and sticking to it, is one answer; not taking him shopping at all for a while and giving him a chance to break the pattern, is another and probably the best. I really think he's just a bit too young to understand the concept of being able to afford something, or saving up, but he's really not too old to understand that if he's told he can't have something, he can't have it.

Needmorelego · 04/08/2023 17:56

@DustyGlow one thing with my daughter is she used to struggle with the bright lights, noise levels and crowds in supermarkets and shopping centres. It was essentially a sensory overload for her. Looking back I think sometimes she wanted to buy something quickly (so would choose random things) because she wanted to be finished shopping and get out of there.
We found if we did take her to a specific shop that was a quieter shop she would be more calm and would be happy to take longer to (sensibly) choose something to buy.
Waterstones is a good one for this. Always quiet and calm - and books are always good to buy🙂

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 18:00

DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 16:56

Ok, will go for a blanket no for everything. And try the photo idea. I also like the food bank idea.

The reason why we both take him is because it is so hard. I find it difficult to manage both kids alone due to this so we had an effort to break the behaviour, essentially trying to shop with strategies to help. So I could go out with them alone. I can't live my life never going into a shop. I work part time so it makes sense for me to go out to pick up essentials on my day off.

But we have now started online supermarket shopping.

We tried for ages. All the people saying we just said no, believe me, we did. He had never been allowed to buy toys etc.

I also tried the shopping list thing but it would all kick off if something wasn't available. I remember someone sniggering behind me as my tiny child sobbed 'but mummy, we will just have to cope with this salmon'

What I am suggesting is:
You go to the shop with the eldest child
Your partner stays at home with the other child

Why do you take the youngest to the shop at all? He can't cope. You have a shit time.

Just stop doing it!

caringcarer · 04/08/2023 18:05

sendismylife · 04/08/2023 16:38

I read somewhere about a mum who let her children choose something for the food bank in the supermarket, which they were responsible for holding - took the focus onto buying for someone else and meant their hands were full.

What a brilliant idea.

BlairWaldorfOG · 04/08/2023 18:08

Out of curiosity @DustyGlow are you going to the same super market? My daughter has ASD but she used to have full blown meltdowns in Asda, only ever Asda never say Morrisons or Sainsbury's she just could not cope in Asda.

BlairWaldorfOG · 04/08/2023 18:11

I also get why you're doing it but look if it isn't working then it isn't working, one of you do the food shop/ online shop. Give it a break for a bit then maybe slowly reintroduce things, pop in to a smaller supermarket just to buy apples for example and then see if you can build things up. We shop at the market a lot which eliminates the exposure to toys and shit too so maybe if you have a local one use that as a stepping stone.

Original poster
DustyGlow · 04/08/2023 18:47

BlairWaldorfOG · 04/08/2023 18:08

Out of curiosity @DustyGlow are you going to the same super market? My daughter has ASD but she used to have full blown meltdowns in Asda, only ever Asda never say Morrisons or Sainsbury's she just could not cope in Asda.

It's every shop. It doesn't even matter what the item is. He could get all stressed about wanting to buy a tube of polyfiller in a DIY shop as an example. If he gets an item it's like the stress melts away. If he doesn't the stress keeps building.

As an example in a garden centre he decided we needed some lawn treatment which we actually did. He was anxious up to that point. Then we got it and he kept saying 'I chose that, I chose a good one didn't I?' But that only satisfied him because he thought he had come up with the idea himself.

I really don't feel I can avoid every shopping experience with him for the foreseeable future.

OP posts:
mrsjareth · 06/08/2023 09:15

No, you can’t avoid every shop forever but you can minimise his visits to only when it can’t be avoided. Why put all of you through the stress when you don’t need to? I’d stop taking him as much as you can and either go alone or get your partner to go alone. There really isn’t a way of ‘cracking it’ with a neurodiverse child, which it sounds to me like he very well might be.

Rocknrollstar · 06/08/2023 09:55

My sister is 70 and she can’t leave the house without buying something. If we go to lunch, the cinema or a concert she will always find something to buy. Went on holiday with her once and she refused to go on any of the tours because they ate into her shopping time.

Rocknrollstar · 06/08/2023 09:58

I don’t think children should expect to get something every time they go in a shop. If you want to give him pocket money then tell him he can only spend it on Saturday or even once a month. But basically, it is obviously a question of saying no.

Normalweirdo · 06/08/2023 10:15

You say you can have conversations with before hand; what about conversations after. I know he's young but if he's able it might be useful to help him identify the feelings and thoughts he has around shopping. There are lots of resources online to help younger children express their emotions. Once feeling and thoughts are properly identified you could talk about how other people feel shopping and how his experience differs. This isn't just an exercise in pointing out he's different but how everyone is. Some people might enjoy shopping, some nervous about it, etc. I know it sounds huge for his age but children are capable of much more than some adults give them credit for.