To put a complete ban on buying anything for my children from shops?

[DustyGlow]

DS is 4.5. He is a nightmare in shops!

He gets completely overwhelmed and whips himself up in to a frenzy.

He wants to buy something, and this could be absolutely anything, that alone will calm him down.

We tried to manage it by giving him a small amount of pocket money but he will just search high and low to find something that can be bought for the amount he has. I thought giving pocket money would give him a sense of control but I think he's too young to understand.

He's a bit like a drug addict looking for his next high.

We have very reasonable conversations beforehand. But it all goes to pot. If he kicks off / starts to spiral we leave straight away but it happens every time and sometimes I just need to go in a shop, i can't always avoid them!

I might ban any shop purchases and say he can choose something to save up for and I will get it for him. How can I manage this better?

Take photos of the things he wants for ‘Santa’ or his birthday list rather than buying it

This, it’s a tricky age. My children were a nightmare at that age. Everyone is older now and perfectly capable of going to the shops without asking/ complaining / spending money.

Sometimes the best path is to decide something doesn’t work and just stop for a bit.

Minimise shopping trips. I hardly ever go to the supermarket, home deliveries or go when your husband is home. No other way around it if you’ve tried a few things

The food bank is a genius idea, wish i had thought of that. Have a bag of marbles, everytime he chooses something for the food bank put one in the jar. When he gets to 5 or 10 he gets to choose something for himself with his pocket money.

I'm in the same boat OP @DustyGlow

I don't have an answer. I know just try to avoid taking them in shops wherever possible.

Often, something that they have screamed their head off for, will be found days later still in the car, completely forgotten about.

It's all about getting that high, in that moment. The instant dopamine hit. Then forgotten.

It's awful. We just avoid shops wherever possible.

Do you think it might help him to practice going in and not buying something that was planned…sounds a bit weird but

explain to him that he needs to get better at shopping so its not stressful him when he cant have things or find things. It sounds like when he is out of the situation he will agree with you.

then just you and him go to a shop (choose a quiet one with big aisles)

remind him just before you go in that you are practicing not buying things

walk up to the item you are not buying and then walk away.

as soon as he reacts, go straight back outside and comfort him until he calms down. Then talk it through with him and see if he wants to practice again, and this time use some deep breaths and hold you hand really tightly to try and stay calm. Practice the deep breaths and holding you hand really tightly with him. Then go back in, back to the same item and try again. If he is willing, try several times, but dont push it to exhaustion. Give him lots of praise for being willing to face his big emotions and work to control them. Praise the work, not the child.

then go and do a treat thing like the playground with lots of running around to work off all the adrenalin he will have built up.

keep going back again and again until he can walk away calmly. Then add another item, then another. Then try a different shop. Then try more tempting things and keep going until you he can be a reliable shopper. Tell him he is an excellent shopper and you can rely on him to show the other smaller dc in the shop how to act well when shopping, try and show him how proud you are of his work to control himself and tell him he should be proud of himself.

if he faces other difficulties in his future, tell him you know he can be brave and overcome them because he did overcome his shopping ‘crazies’.

it might work!

We have two children. My DH buys all the shopping on the way home from work or I get a bit back from work. No way would I take the kids!

My middle daughter shopping trips used to be me saying "no" on repeat. She'd accept it, then pick up the next thing .... "no"!
She's 19yo and can still be a little bit that way, but has her own money so is different!

It depends on his reaction to being told no. For dd, it was almost like she had a compulsion to ask for something, but she wasn't overly bothered by being refused. If it was something she had a real need for and could give a good reasoning that I agreed with, then I'd get it, which was probably about 1 time in 100!
If she'd got upset each time, then it would have been harder.

I’d minimise shopping trips wherever possible. Do online groceries and whatever else you can. Shopping is boring as an adult, let alone for a kid.

Give him a job. What's the next thing on your shopping list? Go and get 2 of them. Now get 3 apples. Put them in trolley and read the next thing. Or if he can't read them to him.
Probably just bored. Work him as hard as you can and see how that goes.

Could you give him responsibility for choosing certain things that are on the list, so that he feels he has been involved in the shopping process? "We need some apples/sausages/onions, which ones do you think we should buy"?

Is there anything you need where you just need to look so that he learns that shopping doesn’t mean you have to buy something.

The lawn food thing is really quite sweet and shows this isn’t just a toy thing as I assumed to then.

The problem with all the discussions and him helping you to the point were he is running around, is that it is doing nothing for his anxiety. This is very unusual, it isn't the usual "I want" tantrum. He is ongoingly stressed by needing to buy stuff and putting a lot of emotional investment in getting a particular item. My sister was like this and has been a hoarder all of her life. I'd say to not do a reward system, as some posters are suggesting. We shouldn't use buying stuff to cheer ourselves up. An activity would be better. However as tough as it is, he needs to not be involved in shopping to any detail and you rude out the tantrum. He sounds as though he could be neuro diverse. To try to help my sister I've watched a lot of hoarding and it's surprising how many people started the need to get stuff in childhood.

Hmmm,
Have you tried letting him be in charge of the shopping list.
Letting him pick the items put them in the basket himself.
Or even allowing him to pick one item, anything he wants - with a small clause- as long as it's for £1.
I can't imagine he'll be like this forever. Prehaps it'll be easier, more fun just to listen to him. - if you can't convince him to stick within your boundaries, just buy it then return it! Esp if you think his autistic.

i know, this is not the popular opinion, no harm in trying till he can understand

Your poor boy sounds totally overwhelmed & very task driven. The darting eyes suggests this is more than 'he just wants stuff'. He may be ND he may not, but he needs a coping mechanism for this situation that's not part of the shopping experience.

Find him a stickerbook that he really loves & bulk buy packs of the stickers. Keep some in your bag at all times cos these are your mission rewards.

Before you go into a shop you guys get into character. You're on a mission, you're in an action film & the task is simply to get to the end of the aisle without incident. You could give him a picture checklist like a where's wally book, 'find a picture of a fish. A lady with bag, a man with a basket, count the lights on the ceiling.

When you get to the end of aisle & he's succeeded on his mission (the calm, not the checklist) you do a mission achieved dance together, just something small & fun. Give it a name, that's a thing you do. Then give him a pack of stickers.

If he doesn't manage, is getting worked up, stop & prep for the next mission (aisle), have a pep talk, get his focus, both breathe together through the nose & out the mouth & move on.

No reward ever comes from a purchase in the shop, the stickers come from the purse.

Then in the car he gets to open the stickers, you get home & you can put the them in the book together.

Good luck OP! He really sounds like he needs to achieve something in the shop, hopefully something like this might help.

You have my sympathy, OP. I went through something similar with DD from around 5-6.5, but not as extreme, and basically ended up avoiding going in shops with her as much as possible. She would become completely fixated on getting something, anything, when we went in a shop, and if she didn't, it didn't matter how much fun she'd had up until that point. We're getting past it now, but it really sucked at the time. It didn't help that I find the lights/sounds of shops and children overwhelming so I couldn't always handle her behaviour. You sound like a very caring mum who's trying hard, I hope you're able to find some good strategies for helping your son through this.

I always brief my children before we go in so they don’t always expect something.

I give my four year old a list. Like bread and milk and pretend like I’ve forgotten and need him to remind me. “so what do we need?” Get them involved in the shop to shift the focus from what they want.

Ill day before we go in if they can have something and to what value(ish). Ie you can have some sweets but not a magazine.

If they’ve become quite expectant I would definitely stop for a while. My husband got them gifts everytime they went to the shop and I asked him to stop for similar reasons. It was spilling into my shopping with them, which tended to be necessary purchases where I dont have the option of leaving them home.

Do you give him pocket money?

I found that once I introduced regular pocket money for DDs they could spend it on little knick knacks and stopped begging for things when they were out with me. They also (eventually) learned to eke it out a bit and not spend it all at once.

I find the problem with pocket money is you don’t use cash anywhere. I’ve tried this and my four year old has been smug when he’s still got his £1 coin in his pocket cause I’ve paid with my phone.

This

And give him a job to do.

It’s a phase though. I can remember my DSS having a total meltdown at about 3 because we wouldn’t buy him a mini plastic Eiffel Tower.

I’d just avoid taking him and try again in a years time. It’s easy to say “just say no”, yes I am sure parents do this and kids sometimes will just act up again and again whatever you say.

Looking at it literally, there are so many more toys in supermarkets now, we generally get ours delivered or if we go Waitrose don’t really sell toys, took mine to Tesco once was awful! Toys everywhere mine got so overwhelmed and suddenly they turned into monsters. Back to Waitrose for a quiet life!

"Just avoid taking him" can make life hard if it means you can never go into a shop while you're the only adult looking after him.

I never particularly plan to take my kids shopping but sometimes we're at the library or walking home from school and I'll remember we need milk or something for tea, and at the moment I'm looking after them A LOT because it's school holidays, so it would be a real inconvenience to not be able to shop in 'childcare' time.

Do you never run out of milk or have to fetch a birthday card etc?

@RedRosette2023 in situations like that either my husband would get milk/card or he stay with child and I go. The OP says she has a partner.
One parent shops, one stays with children. Simple.

Generally tend to avoid shops with my DC for this reason (well, mainly the eldest).

We have a weekly supermarket delivery and then DH goes at the weekend for any top ups. I also order most other things online (including eg clothes for the DC).

In this day and age (particularly if you have a partner), there's no need for you to take the DC shopping.