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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to empty the joint account?

144 replies

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 12:43

Shortened version of what is happening. Been with DP for 7 years, 3 kids. Joint mortgage on home, joint savings, majority (80%) belonging to me from an inheritance.

DP has regularly over the last 2 years decided to leave for various reasons including

I am boring (I work part time, parent 3 young children, also "parent" my siblings as our parents tragically died last year)

I am always nagging him (he likes to spend his days off in the pub, going for pub meals, playing snooker instead of picking our children up from my grandparents to save them babysitting)

He usually leaves for about 4 or 5 days then comes back apologising. This time I have had enough.

I have found out he has been spending time with his ex, I hit the roof and am apparently out of order for giving him shit about it.

He came to the house yesterday whilst I was in work, took the money from my purse, tv's from the house, and walked mud (purposely I would imagine) through the entire house. Also all mattresses were off the beds.

He is blaming me for him being a 42 year old now living in his dads box room.

He chose to leave.

I am seriously considering emptying the joint account but is this illegal? Also am I allowed to change the locks if the mortgage is also in his name? He has taken keys and refuses to give them back.

The texts he has been sending are deluded and he sounds angry and slightly insane.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 04/08/2023 16:26

Get the locksmith round now to chanfe lock as "you've lost your keys"
And take all the money out. Now.
From what you're saying its mostly yours or due to you anyway. Do a transfer to your personal account or a trusted 3rd party.
Tomorrow may be too late.
No more come back kid. He's crossed the line for the last time.
Good Luck

Dillane · 04/08/2023 16:27

StrawberryWater · 04/08/2023 12:45

On a joint account either party is legally entitled to completely empty a joint account of all funds.

Take your money out now, before he does.

This

UWOT1 · 04/08/2023 16:30

Put chains on the doors. You can't change the locks but make it harder for him to get in. Have you considered putting up a ring doorbell and cameras in the house? If he is purposely damaging things it would be good to have evidence of that. You'll also gey alerts that he's at the door.

Change all your passwords.
Make sure you have all your documentation, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates.

Also please tell me you protected your inheritance.

UnfunnyJester · 04/08/2023 16:31

I'm surprised he didn't do that first!
You'll need the money to replace the TVs.

sparkleshin · 04/08/2023 16:33

take your 80% out X

TenderDandelions · 04/08/2023 16:33

Inheritance doesn't automatically count as a joint matrimonial asset.

For a start I'd take 100% of the inheritance and 50% of the rest of the account balance.

Divorce.co.uk

Inheritance

Inheritance received or due in the future is not automatically included when splitting assets on divorce but can be taken into account.

https://www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/inheritance

Tinkerbyebye · 04/08/2023 16:34

I would remove all your inheritance monies and put them in your name elsewhere

then the remaining money I would take half

keep all evidence you have regarding his behaviour Not sure you can change the locks but can you leave a key in the door so he can’t get in?

This time don’t let him back

TenderDandelions · 04/08/2023 16:34

Ah - just saw you're not married.

Take it all!

Yusay · 04/08/2023 16:35

Legally I think you can take the money. I’d suggest taking 90% if that’s yours: 80% from your inheritance and then half the rest joint family money.

If you feel unsafe, change the locks and worry about whether it was legal later. You will have to give him access at some point though.

If his behaviour is threatening make a police report.

Sorry that this man is in your life.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 16:35

I don't think they are married @TenderDandelions - fortunately!!!

TenderDandelions · 04/08/2023 16:36

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 16:35

I don't think they are married @TenderDandelions - fortunately!!!

Cross post - I just spotted that!

UWOT1 · 04/08/2023 16:38

So glad your not married. I've my figures crossed that you have protected you assets.

Your ex sounds deranged. What sort of person damages the home thier children live in. He sounds like scum.

Original poster
ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 16:39

I have been leaving the key in the back door so that he can't get in whilst I am there.

Honestly, the tirade of abuse I have received today. He said I'm a big girl now and can pay all the bills myself (I have made a UC claim today). I have contacted the Council Tax people to tell them he no longer lives here but they can't remove him until he confirms he is living elsewhere apparently.

I have given them his dad's address so they will be writing to him there. Shit will massively hit the fan then, I think he still thinks I am going to take him back. He hasn't asked to see the kids since he left but has said he will give me £200.00 per month for them. slow clap

Someone mentioned drugs and I suppose it could be a possibility. He has been hanging round his ex gf's all day on his day's off though so it's probably just that.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 16:42

He should be giving you around 20% of his take home pay for the two DC. £200 seems very low.

I would probably file a CMS claim as he clearly isn't going to be decent.

Original poster
ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 16:46

@Marwoodsbigbreak 3 children! Who are asking for him every day

OP posts:
Original poster
ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 16:46

I have found a Solicitor that gives 30 minute free consultation so will ring them on Monday.

OP posts:
UWOT1 · 04/08/2023 16:48

Take photos of the damages he had done to the home. I'd be temped to send them to his dad along with the messages if you get on okay with him. If the messages are threatening report them to the police.

I would invest in the cameras because he sounds belligerent.

Go and see a solicitor about a child arrangement order and the house. Apply for child maintenance.

isthismylifenow · 04/08/2023 16:49

Could you afford to buy him out of the house OP?

You are well shot of him by the sounds of things. You are a big girl now made me incredibly angry when I read it.

Herewegoagain2023 · 04/08/2023 16:50

I don't know if it's already been said but make sure the account you have transferred to, he doesn't know any of the log in details to, and check you've still got your bank card for it. Make sure you change your email password too, just incase, and get logged out of all devices too, just incase.

Kdubs1981 · 04/08/2023 16:51

I would put a claim in for child support now. I believe you can't claim retrospectively? Someone who knows more than me can hopefully comment?

diddl · 04/08/2023 16:52

What an utter low life he is.

Kdubs1981 · 04/08/2023 16:52

Don't hesitate to contact the police if you need to

Zebedee55 · 04/08/2023 16:52

If it's a joint account, just take half.

curaçao · 04/08/2023 16:58

Greenfree · 04/08/2023 14:08

Sorry just seen your not married, empty the account and keep it before he does. Still speak to the police

Speak to the police?? What about?

Mollylegs · 04/08/2023 16:59

Hi @ChilliNoodleGoodness its a crap situation to be in. I was scared of my ex coming back and just walking into the house. someone who has known the law for over 30 years told me it would be such a shame if I lost my keys(as i'm obviously not a normal person!!) if I lost my keys and had to get a locksmith(anyone) to change the locks and your mind is so busy right now you forgot to mention it to him. At least you wont lie awake wondering if every noise is him trying to get in. Good luck for the future, onwards and upwards, although it's taken me a year and a half and I'm still not right xx

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