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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to empty the joint account?

144 replies

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 12:43

Shortened version of what is happening. Been with DP for 7 years, 3 kids. Joint mortgage on home, joint savings, majority (80%) belonging to me from an inheritance.

DP has regularly over the last 2 years decided to leave for various reasons including

I am boring (I work part time, parent 3 young children, also "parent" my siblings as our parents tragically died last year)

I am always nagging him (he likes to spend his days off in the pub, going for pub meals, playing snooker instead of picking our children up from my grandparents to save them babysitting)

He usually leaves for about 4 or 5 days then comes back apologising. This time I have had enough.

I have found out he has been spending time with his ex, I hit the roof and am apparently out of order for giving him shit about it.

He came to the house yesterday whilst I was in work, took the money from my purse, tv's from the house, and walked mud (purposely I would imagine) through the entire house. Also all mattresses were off the beds.

He is blaming me for him being a 42 year old now living in his dads box room.

He chose to leave.

I am seriously considering emptying the joint account but is this illegal? Also am I allowed to change the locks if the mortgage is also in his name? He has taken keys and refuses to give them back.

The texts he has been sending are deluded and he sounds angry and slightly insane.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 04/08/2023 13:49

Your not married. I'd empty it.

Hankunamatata · 04/08/2023 13:50

Legally you can't change the locks but I would because you lost your keys...

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2023 13:53

StrawberryWater · 04/08/2023 12:45

On a joint account either party is legally entitled to completely empty a joint account of all funds.

Take your money out now, before he does.

No they’re not.

Nodramabanana · 04/08/2023 13:53

Empty it and call the bank to remove any overdraft access. Change the locks. Forget about him.

Miajk · 04/08/2023 14:02

Clear the lot but for the love of god stop taking him back!

Greenfree · 04/08/2023 14:07

If empty it but not spend all of it as he could have a claim to half of it. Speak to a solicitor asap. Speak to he police about what to do about the TV's and him taking the keys

Greenfree · 04/08/2023 14:08

Sorry just seen your not married, empty the account and keep it before he does. Still speak to the police

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2023 14:09

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2023 13:53

No they’re not.

Show quote history

Oops, seems I’m wrong! Apologies OP. You CAN empty the account!

PizzazzRoxyStorma · 04/08/2023 14:16

I'm hoping OP hasn't answered because she is currently hotfooting it to the bank to get her inheritance!

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 04/08/2023 14:23

It's a joint account, you can take it all - in this case I think I would.

You can't legally change the locks, but I'd probably do that too, and let him complain later (unless you think he'd break in and cause more trouble?)

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 14:24

You both own all of it. I would take the lot in your situation. Fuck him.

FordKent · 04/08/2023 14:26

Get hold of every bit of money you can.
But in negotiations later you might, MIGHT give some back.
Perhaps you sell the house and give him his 20%. BUT do get it before he does.
Extra locks and let him argue about that later. again be willing to negotiate.

MadeForThis · 04/08/2023 14:29

Take it all and close the account if you can.

LakeTiticaca · 04/08/2023 14:57

Have you checked the account to make he hasn't already emptied it?

Original poster
ChilliNoodleGoodness · 04/08/2023 15:01

Thanks everyone.

I have transferred all monies to my account.

will update shortly

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 04/08/2023 15:41

Can’t change locks if he’s in the mortgage but with my doors - if someone’s left a key in - you can’t unlock from outside. Can you do that?

I’d also invest in a door chain.

then ensure all legal paperwork and precious photos, jewellery was somewhere safe. Either out of the house with someone you trust or hidden somewhere he’d never think to look. Mine was always airing cupboard at the back wrapped between some folded beach towels. Somewhere random. Not under mattresses if he’s been trashing bedrooms etc.

passwords and access to stuff. Change passwords for everything. I’d even change the WiFi code. Has he access to shared accounts like Netflix etc. remove him, unless he’s paying… Any payments or standing orders you have for stuff that’s just for him? Cancel if not in your name. does he pay for any utilities, council tax etc? Change name and set up payments. Especially if you have any credit with utility companies so he doesn’t claim it back.

Get some legal advice - an initial consultation is often free.

speak to womens aid for further advice on how to safely separate.

note everything he’s taken or damaged and replacement value and who owns it.

screenshot all texts and save to cloud in case something happens to your phone or he deletes messages (possible on some apps).

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/08/2023 16:05

Oh I would take my inheritance out in a heartbeat and argue later.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/08/2023 16:06

Just seen your update. Good.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 16:13

Given his actions so far, and that his messages are concerning OP, who has DC to consider, I would "lose" my door keys and change the locks too.

I would get legal advice regarding equity in the house.

Good luck.

YukoandHiro · 04/08/2023 16:15

Good for you OP. And good luck.
It might not be easy but you have the rest of you life ahead of you. I was with you at the "boring" remark (how fucking dare he, he'd be lacking in sparkle too if he was actually bothering to parent three kids while dealing with grief) but once you got onto the ex I was glad to see you've finally reached your limit.
Do not let him weasel his way back. He does not care about your well-being anywhere near enough to waste any more time on him.

Suspific · 04/08/2023 16:16

Glad you've taken the whole lot. If a judge says you need to give some back to him so bit it. Cross that bridge then.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 16:20

His next move will probably be to say he's not paying bills on a house that he's not living in so move the money and then assume that he will stop paying bills on the house.

Next move needs to be to work out what to do with his equity. Can you buy him out?

towriteyoumustlive · 04/08/2023 16:23

He stole your money, took all the TVs then took the mattresses off the bed? WFAF?! I get him being petty and taking the TVs, then stealing your money, but why the mattresses?!?! huh??

You did the right think moving the money to your own account.

You're not married and will be able to prove the inheritance money and hence most the savings put there by you.

Can you afford to buy him out?

Can you report the theft of the money from your purse to the police? How much did he take?

UWOT1 · 04/08/2023 16:25

You can empty the account and so can he. It's your money. It's not illegal to take your own money. If he emptied it he would be entitled to do that.

jeaux90 · 04/08/2023 16:26

Jeez OP you are well shot of him. Absolute bellend.