Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

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I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

What? 😂

@Sazza26xx anything is possible. My daughter has cerebral palsy and learning disabilities and she can sit at a table and eat. She knows what is expected of her even if she finds it incredibly difficult due to having little to no understanding of the world around her. I've worked with adhd children and even in the most severe cases they can still be taught basic manners and it's even more important for ND Children to learn or they won't cope later in life. It's our jobs as parents to teach our children the way regardless of their prognosis. Adhd isn't an excuse, it just makes it a harder battle to overcome.

Completely agree with @Iwasafool . We are really relaxed at home with mealtimes, my 5 year old will wander and come back to his food if he wants to, however, we can take him to eat out anywhere and his behaviour is impeccable.
He also sits perfectly well at school to eat so there's no issues there and he is aware that there are different rules for different places.

I do agree that ND kids need to be taught manners, my son is 6 and has autism and is non verbal, in all fairness he used to be quite a terror for running riot at meal times but put my foot down and surprisingly he's doing fantastic now, I will admit that was my own fault

My son does this but he has severe autism and ADHD. He struggles sitting at tables with people sitting opposite because of eye contact. He sits better if he's first to sit down and have a wall and behind him and a wall to the side of him basically wedged into a corner. With someone sitting next to him so he's not wandering. He has a good appetite and will eat most homecooked meals. He loves veg including salad so he's not wandering because he doesn't like the food.

Exactly the same here. I love the barefoot, free range, scruffy , hand eating boy that lives in my home and he’s welcome to eat what he fancies when he fancies it, like I get to do. I also know he’ll sit nicely in public or at school because he’s neither thick nor a dickhead and can read a room. He’s intuitive and sensitive (possibly because we haven’t spent his early years barking orders at him or trying to train him to do things a certain way?)

Well you seem to be in the minority.

Most children can sit at a table and eat a meal from 4.
Itis "not inflicting old fashioned practices"

Gransnet indeed. How fucking uneducated.

Would I allow this behaviour with my kids? Absolutely not, and clearly you didn’t with your own children. But the key here is that he isn’t your son, if his parents are happy for him to behave this way then that’s up to them. As previous posters have said, you can try “At Grandma’s house we stay at the table during meals” but IMO this comes across really passive aggressive to his parents who I take it were having dinner with you? Also not your decision to not allow dessert if he hadn’t eaten his meal. Leave the parenting to his parents 🤷‍♀️

If you're happy with children of 11 imposing rules on younger ones that is entirely up to you. Your child was apparently really happy, but what happens to the child who is not?

It's never good to let a small child be bullied by a bossy 11-year-old or that 11-year-old be burdened with the responsibilities of a quasi-parent when they just want to eat their school dinner in peace and chat to their friends.

Children of 10 or 11 do not have the maturity to deal with many issues. That is why the age of criminal responsibility hovers around 10 in Britain.

That is not to say that children are all criminals but most people on Mumsnet would frown on someone allowing a 10-year-old to mind a five year old while they popped to the shops.

Children are not fake adults and adults who should be doing the job of supervising all the children in their care should not be abdicating it.

This sees more like the behaviour of a 3 year old rather than a normal 6 year old. He wouldn't be allowed to do that at school, children even in reception are encouraged to use cutlery, sit down nicely and take their plate up after they are finished.

It would bother me too in your situation, but I suppose if he's allowed to do it at home then he thinks he will be allowed to do it a nans house too.

Maybe speak to the parents see if they would mind you having a new rule at nans house about sitting down properly and eating the meal in one sitting. Pudding can be a reward for doing this.

Exactly

My DD has ADHD and autism and has always been able to sit at a table.

At 6 she’d have 100% been expected to sit at the table.

I dread to think what this boy is like at school.
They can’t have hundreds of kids wondering about all of the time.

My DD never needed to finish her food but she did need to taste it.

I would only make her something else to eat if I knew there was a chance she genuinely didn’t like it
e.g she loves mash and always has and so if she didn’t want to eat that and wanted me to make something else then I’d know she was just being fussy.
But if it was a new dish that she’d never tried before and disliked it, then I would make something her something else.

I always instilled that when you’re eating you need to sit down for safety reasons and so she could only get up once she’d finished her meal or when she’d had enough.

I’m really surprised by how many posters allow their kids to wonder around whilst they’re eating.

It’s another example of things that schools have to end up teaching them, even though it should be taught at home.

Like I say it was a small school 100 children ish age 3-11. The older ones also helped in the nursery and played games in yard with the little ones on a rota.
They weren’t bullying or bossing them just chatting and modelling behaviour eg eat with cutlery. School still had dinner ladies.

I'm a boomer, DH and I enjoy having a treat of a tray of food in front of the telly on a weekend. But most days we still sit at the dinner table the two of us, chatting about stuff. When the kids come home, adults now, the meals can go for 2/3 hours just chatting about what they are doing, what's happening and everything in between.

We don't froth about lax modern parenting, we just love chatting with each other at a meal table.

Leave the parenting to his parents? She’s his grandmother, not some random with no connection to the child. Of course she’s concerned. Like it or not, children have to deal with the outside world, not just their parents so isn’t it sensible to tell a child that when at gran’s house, this is how he should eat meals? Imo, it’s disrespectful to allow children to have awful table manners-eating with their fingers and wandering around. Eating together and joining in is something we all benefit from and allowing boorish behaviour won’t do children any favours when they’re having to negotiate life outside.

That would drive me mad - how rude. Pity that poor kid at school as he won't be allowed to get away with doing that.

I would state my house, my rules. If his parents don't like it, stop feeding them.

This lax parenting doesn't do the children any favours in coping with RL as they have no idea how to behave in society.

Thing is I’m British and French, I’ve experienced both food cultures, they are part of me and my upbringing. And the “English food culture” you describe isn’t what I’ve experienced. I don’t doubt it exists in your experience, but to say that that’s all that it is is just wrong. But it’s similar to the way lots of MNers talk about French food culture which they’ve experienced from a couple of friends or a holiday or two, they haven’t lived and grown up with it - there will be variations in families and cultures within France, as within the U.K., but people talk as they have the last word on it when they don’t.

Believe it or not, I still manage to chat to my son even if he's not sat down.

So sad to have such alow expectation and low standard for children.

Keeping pudding back as a reward for eating the rest of the meal is something I try to avoid, as it could give rise to unhealthy attitudes (this fatty/sweet food is extra desirable and associated with reward/happiness, etc).

That said, if you're not sitting at the table then in this house that means you've finished the meal and you are assumed not to want pudding. And while you don't have to finish your main course, if you're only picking at bits then you're clearly not hungry, are you? So why would I give you more food?

*Tortelli is hardly plain. Its fancy pasta.

"Hey does X eat pasta?" "Yeah sure he loves plain food"

OP then makes tortelli and salad on the basis that kid has eaten tomatoes in the past too.*

OR

I showed their parent the tortellini and ask if that OK. They said yes. But do create a whole alternate universe.

Thanks of all the responses.
I don't mind the child not eating much. That's OK. What gets my goat is eating a bit, going away, then coming back for more.
Also I agree with what people say about not offering pudding as a reward. But a) it's just fruit yoghurt and b) I'm not prepared to give to a child that's wandered off.

Are you babysitting or are his parents there?

Its a shame you have to teach a child basic manners and food safety but unfortunately some parents just don’t like to parent.

So as a PP suggested I would just tell him that when he’s at granny’s he needs to sit still at the table until he’s finished his food.

If he doesn’t want to eat it all that’s ok and he can leave when he’s finished but he cannot keep leaving and then returning to pick at it.