Second child- am I being unreasonable for really wanting another one?

[Happyday122]

I will try to keep this short, we have tried for a couple of years to have a second kid, and it looks like we may need IVF. We always said we would not do IVF, we have a wonderful son, a very happy life as a family of 3, the only reason to do it would be my own burning desire to have another. DH is happy either way, one or two kids. Then I look at the state of the world and think maybe if it doesn't happen there is a reason for it not working. Are people with two kids always happier than people with 1?

AIBU- Of course not, it doesn't depend on family size on how happy you are
YANBU- More kids, more happiness

It’s far from black and white, no one else’s happiness or not can predict yours. In your situation I’d personally be concerned about the physical and emotional impact of you having IVF, on your son. It’s so intense.

You're not unreasonable for wanting another child (or not wanting one would be just as reasonable). You're maybe unreasonable thinking you need more than one child to be happy. I mean, I wanted more than one, or two, or three, but that doesn't mean other people are less happy with less children. Or no children. I'm sure if I'd only had one I'd be happy in a different form.

Thank you for your answer. It is so nice to hear someone else's perspective. I feel like I have fallen down a rabbit hole of wanting this so bad I cannot see the trees for the woods anymore. I am also worried that my little one might be lonely without a sibling, although we really do try and plan lots of playdates and make sure he has many friends.

There is no guarantee that siblings are best of friends, or have anything in common when older.

Science would say you're happiest with 0 children, then 1, then happiness decreases with each additional child until you get to 4+.

But I know that I'd never swap my 1 even though I can see day to day it is more stressful, worrying, tiring, expensive etc and I'm sure most parents feel the same. You're totally not wrong for wanting another. We had IVF and it's amazing but also one of the toughest things I've done. But some people just sail through it, there are not right answers

Children are a blessing. Have another one if you and your husband want one and are in a living and happy relationship and can afford one.

Nothing else needs to be considered.

Are people with two kids always happier than people with 1?

No I don’t think so. We have one DD (much wanted and long awaited, conceived though IVF) we only want one, very happy with that, would be quite stressed if I found out I was having a second. Would need to work out where to put the second in our 2 (small) bedroomed home, how to pay for their childcare, going back to the sickness and breathlessness and anxiety of pregnancy, dealing with another birth after trauma of the first, all that newborn stress about sleep and breast/ bottle feeding and then weaning and a second child to potty train and more laundry and guilt over the environment and less trips and holidays and less time to ourselves both together and alone and less time for DD (who may or may not benefit from a sibling) and another loss of earning maternity leave and more difficulty keeping up our careers and so much more. If second child had special needs I’m not sure how we would cope.

However. If you have a burning desire for a second it is possible that you personally would be happy with two kids. So if you and your DH agree to do IVF and have the funds then I see no reason you shouldn’t go for it. Not every situation is the same, some people want no children, some want one, some want 10 and all may be happy or not happy depending on all of the circumstances in their life, number of children is just one factor.

I was in this exact position. I’d always wanted 2 children. I had my first and after I lost 3 babies due to ectopics, we then went down the Ivf route. I tried to find peace having 1 child and being a family of 3 plus a dog. After 5 rounds of Ivf it finally worked and we now have a second - i’m very happy and feel that nagging feeling in the back of my head has gone. But I do think it all depends on your situation. Did you always want 2 children or are you happy with 1? I don’t think im happier but the fact I don’t have to constantly think about it anymore and go through Ivf - feels a relief more type feeling. Lots of our friends have 1 child and I think it’s quite common now which helped

I like you had one dc but had secondary infertility. We decided not to go down the ivf route as I simply could not face it. 6 years later i became pregnant naturally. It was a huge shock as I had given all the baby stuff away but it has been a real joy. Although with the age difference ds now 16 is like an only child as his brother has left home. I think you need to be resilient to do ivf and I admire women who do it.

Goldiebear1, thank you so much for your (and everyone elses!) answer. I never actually had a "set" number of children in my head, but now that I see how wonderful it is to have a child, I would like more, and also a full table later in life, if possible. I just feel I have lots more love to give but of course I am immensely happy with 1 child, my son is the light of our lives, I am so grateful to have him. I think I am just wondering how "hard" I should/ want to try for a second- I am not sure I would cope well with having IVF, the uncertainty etc. I guess I wish someone had a crystal ball and just told me if I was to ever have another, and then I would not have to think about it anymore. The topic has become pretty much all consuming for me and if someone in my extended family asks me "When are you going to have another", "Better be getting on with it" etc. I have to try not to start crying.

That sounds like how I felt whilst dealing with infertility and wanting a child. It is very hard. During the 4 years I tried for DD I often felt like I wished there was a crystal ball that could just tell me if it would ever happen, and of course once we had her all the pain and stress was worth it but at the time I was going through it I didn’t know if it would happen for us. It was all consuming. IVF was hard but I was glad that at least I was doing something and things were moving. Do you have the money for a private round of IVF?

I’d recommend posting on the infertility boards and also if you have time the podcast Big Fat Negative is very good and the hosts have a book as well.

Why don't you say we'll try 1 round of IVF and if it doesn't work that's it. I wouldn't say I'm any happier with 2 than 1, infact i do miss the days of 1 dc. They seemed calmer and more organised and a lot quieter!! However i think having 2 feels a lot more like a family, busier and more fun. Also like you said, I like the idea of a full table in years to come

DH and I always said we were happy with 1 and thst if another didn’t happen then so be it but once we started trying that biological urge took over and I just couldn’t imagine not having another.
We had agreed though that IVF wouldn’t be something we’d pursue for a second though from an emotional point of view I wasn’t sure I could cope with it and the financial side was a consideration as we’d have had to borrow money.
I don’t think though that having 1 DC makes you any less happy than having 2; there’s good and bad bits to both.

Lots of people don't get on with their siblings, so having another child for that reason never makes sense to me. Of course more children doesn't mean more happiness, it's completely dependent on the person. It does sound like you feel something's missing, so it might be worth pursuing. As an aside, you should find a way to tell your extended family it's none of their business. They're being very rude by asking.

Happyday122 - not sure if this helps but what we did was make peace with having one child and I had therapy etc to make sure I was in a good place and could see a happy family with the 3 of us. Lots of benefits- great holidays, could give him all our time and also no sleepless nights and hard toddler stage! And then along side that I did the IVF so if it worked it was a bonus. I also found the IVF absolutely fine - I mentally said ok this is how we have/ make babies and I just didn’t put too much pressure on it or overthink it too much. Maybe worth exploring. We did packages where you get a refund if it doesn’t work so worth looking into that. X

There's no right or wrong answer, OP. All families are different. You can have wonderfully happy families with just one kid and miserable, dysfunctional families with multiple kids. And vice versa!

I think it's all.abput personal choice. We have one Daughter who is 9 and are more than happy with just one. We spend loads of time with her but she is also very self sufficient she has lots of friends and is a little social butterfly!

Financially one is much easier and I have been able to get a career back now she is older. We also never struggle for childcare with just having one.l!

From an only child's perspective I am one and don't feel I really missed out on anything in comparison to friends who had siblings. My parents always let me take a friend on holiday with us from when I was about 12 etc...

If it helps I'm an only child that went on to have an only child by choice. I was never lonely and my parents' house is still full to this day; now with not just my friends but my daughter's friends. Our houses (mine and my parents) seem to be the hosting houses, the place everyone is welcome and there's always lots going on and full of love and laughter. Where everyone comes to relax or socialise.
When my dd was about 2 or 3yrs I did kind of panic. Everyone kept asking when I'd have another and suggesting I should. I'm sure hormones were raging through my body as biology tried to steer me to have more but it passed. I'm happy I resisted the hormonal urge and stuck at 1. I'm not saying it'll be the same for you but that is our reality and we're all very happy from grandparents through to teenage dd.

I'll be honest I get on well with on of my sibling but not at all with the other I have 5 kids all diffrent ages 25,24,17,12 and 9 the eldest 2 are close but it's hit and miss with the others haha. But if I'm honest the harder you try for a baby the harder it is to conceive its supposed to be fun trying not a battle with your sanity every month not to see your period and being heartbroken when you get it I've been there. In the end I set a target we would just carry on as normal if it happened in 2 years then yay if it didn't then I'd go back to contraception. Good luck x

@Happyday122 I was in the same situation as you this time last year. We have a wonderful 3 year old and I always wanted another and my husband was always on the fence. We decided sod it and have another. I'm now 6 months pregnant and I honestly feel we made the best decision.

You will never regret having a second but you may regret not having another

It's so crappy at the moment isn't it. Cost of living crisis etc but there is never a right time. I'm 36 and feeling a bit on the older side

I wish you best of luck what ever you decide
Xx

Many couples have had IVF for a sibling and it hasn't affected the existing child. If it does then you should be considering if you are telling them too much. Many people don't find IVF difficult.

This is true I have 2 girls 3yrs 2 mths apart. They have never got on. I had years if them fighting and arguing constantly to the stage it was virtually impossible taking them anywhere together. They are now 32 and 28 and have nothing to do with each other

Do some reading up on the benefits of being / having an only child - they are apparently happier and wealthier. Lots of families are making that choice.

IVF is really very hard work even without a 3 year old, so you need to be really really sure.

I have 3.2 were planned.
Personally, I think having one is a lot more demanding in many ways.
My 3 have 2 years between them all and though they have their normal squabbles, I couldn't imagine them as only children.
Them being able to talk and play together takes some of the pressure off. Also, they are able to comfort each other and look after each other.
I've been ill a few times and they've worked together to make meals, clean up and just generally be there for each other when I couldn't be there for them.

My dad was an only child and he always resented it recalling how lonely he was.

Positives and negatives to both I’d say. We have one child and for a few years I was undecided about a second - I think looking back this was because of what is seen in society as the “norm” and I felt my child needed a sibling - that he would somehow be lonely without one. My partner wasn’t keen so it didn’t happen. I do sometimes feel guilty as most of his friends have siblings, however the other day he had the neighbours kids over to play (sisters) and as soon as they left he said “Mummy I’m so glad I don’t have a little sister - that would be so annoying”. He’s a happy well adjusted child without a sibling and we get more freedom by just having him. I don’t think more kids = more happiness. Life would certainly be more stressful with more than one!