Second child- am I being unreasonable for really wanting another one?

[Happyday122]

I will try to keep this short, we have tried for a couple of years to have a second kid, and it looks like we may need IVF. We always said we would not do IVF, we have a wonderful son, a very happy life as a family of 3, the only reason to do it would be my own burning desire to have another. DH is happy either way, one or two kids. Then I look at the state of the world and think maybe if it doesn't happen there is a reason for it not working. Are people with two kids always happier than people with 1?

AIBU- Of course not, it doesn't depend on family size on how happy you are
YANBU- More kids, more happiness

You cannot predict the second child’s personality or indeed their health.
There is good evidence that only children do better in almost all aspects of life.
Lauren Sadlers book “One and only” is well worth a read.

I’m in total agreement. One has to look at the wider picture and think ‘is another child the solution to anything?’. More kids = more stress. It’s a definite no from me!

There's no right answer.. different things suit different people.

I've had a bit of both in that we thought we wanted two but after one we had issues with serious illness/injury and had previous fertility issues. By the time eldest was four we'd decided it wouldn't happen.

However we did nothing to actively prevent it and got a surprise. Then I worried that an almost five year age gap would be too much (if I'd been able to choose it wasn't my ideal) but they are absolute best pals.

I don't know what the right answer is for you but sometimes we just have to let things take their course and accept what will be will be. Did you need IVF for the first?

If that had been one in our case I think we'd have been happy (we were quite terrified of the positive result as by then we were very settled as three).

Yeah lol. You have 21 kids? Well you’ll never regret having a 22nd but you may regret not having another.

We had our first child via IVF (3 rounds) and I had the same burning desire to have a child. I was told we would never conceive naturally.
When my child was 12 months old, I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. It was a total shock but was so happy.
We absolutely love both our children, but it hasn’t been an easy journey. Child 2 has been diagnosed with autism, sensory processing and anxiety, so having child 2 was not the picture we had imagined. Although I absolutely wouldn’t change who they are, just consider that there is always the chance with another child of something you hadn’t considered, and if you are at peace with that, go ahead.
As someone else has said, I’ve seen IVF offers where you get a refund if it fails, may be worth looking into this. Good luck on whatever you decide.
Personally I didn’t find IVF that taxing mentally or physically, I hated the daily multiple injections, but I was able to detach from it.
Good luck.

I was an only child . Was happy playing with friends, and was looked after by my BF mum after School .Sometimes I wished I had a sibling ,but had a lot of Adults making a fuss of me . As an adult I have friends ,and a SIL to go out with .I have found it OK .I think Society/Nature seem to say you must have multiple DC but you are the ones caring /paying for them!

There will always be someone having too many kids so don’t think your extra one will make much of a difference

I was very much on the fence for various reasons on having a second. I always knew I didn't want to be over 35 having kids so last November we said we would stop actively preventing a second and let nature take its course and we are expecting our second in January.

If it hadn't of happened for us I would have been more than happy with one, I personally wouldn't have done the IVF route, after seeing the state a friend was in with all the hormones, the hope building and falling etc.

Only you know what is right for you, I am personally finding this pregnancy alot harder than my first, not sure if that is age, or the actual pregnancy or just the fact I have a 2 year old to also care for this time.

As a single child - I did not feel lonely then and I do not feel lonely now. I had friends and honestly, learning how to occupy myself without constant external stimulation made me into a well-rounded adult with a diverse set of interests.
Sometimes I wonder what having a sibling bond will feel like but one week spent travelling with my cousin showed me that I was very lucky when growing up as the only child.
My aunt and my mother have a very "polite" relationship. My aunt has 3 kids and the two older ones have virtually no relationship with the younger. My grandmother is one of 4 and had very close relationships with her siblings but her mother had a hell of a time bringing them up and didn't strike me as a happy woman (the times were different, of course).
What I am trying to say is none of the things you are hoping to get out of having 2 children are guaranteed. They can squabble, hate each other, you may find it completely overwhelming, the financial pressures may take away a lot of freedom... Or you may absolutely love having two kids. It's very personal and very circumstantial. And the less time you spend visualising the perfect future, the more likely you are to be happier with whatever outcome happens.

Two definitely doesn't make you happier. You just feel double the love, double the cuddles, double the fun, double the washing, double the tantrums etc etc!!!

... and obviously it's nice to watch your dc play / grow up with someone else especially at Christmas. However I really didn't get on with my db growing up do it's different for everyone.

There's really no way of knowing how you'll feel until it happens. I know a lot of families sticking to one as they love the current dynamic and don't want it to change.

I started thinking about a second when my eldest was 2- lockdown started shortly after that and when I had seen how she enjoyed interacting with other kids, we decided we should look into having another. I was 40 and it had been 4 years TTC and two full rounds of ICSI to have her, so to be honest I thought the odds were stacked against us having another. But I thought she would start school and all her friends would have siblings and be asking why she didn’t have one, I wanted to tell her we had tried.

I went on the waiting list for IVF again and just conceived twins spontaneously! It was a huge shock and a roller coaster of emotions, I had never planned 3.

Now they’re here I am hugely grateful to have 3 children. However, it is a massive juggling act and I’m aware that I’m not the best version of myself to my kids as I have so much pressure on me. They’re 5, 2 & 2 and it’s still so much work, making meals, doing laundry, the endless mess, the constant need for attention from them all. I think I needed to go through the process of trying and then if unsuccessful, putting the idea of more kids to bed.

I am most definitely done now, having a bonus child certainly made that clear! I think I would have felt done if I’d only had one more. Obviously it’s different now I know and love my twins but if I didn’t know any differently I’d have been 2 and done.

Also, I’ve come across quite a few only child families and there’s quite a few onlies in her class so my eldest wouldn’t have been the only “only” at school.

after struggling with infertility and IVF for my first, I was on the fence about a second as terrified of going back down the rabbit hole. But it would always have been a nagging regret as I always wanted two. The second was a surprise, and although it’s harder work I wouldn’t change it, and I can see it’ll only get easier as they grow up together. And I know I’m definitely done now which is also a great feeling!

It all comes down to what you want at the end of the day. Each family will be happy in their own way.
If you really do want a second child you may not feel happy a few years down the line if you always have that burning desire for another. However, speaking from experience, if you are struggling to conceive the choice really is how far you’re prepared to go and what you’re prepared to invest in the hope of having another because obviously a second child isn’t guaranteed. You have to decide how much having another means to you as a couple/family and how far you’re prepared to go for it ie IVF. I always wanted at least 2 children, maybe 3, however I have struggled with secondary infertility for 8 years and still no second child! I think I have (almost) come to terms with not having another now, but still can’t really let go of the hope it may happen (but now with such a big 10 year age gap it is highly unlikely and it worries me that if it did happen it would be like having 2 only children!). We decided we wouldn’t go down the IVF route due to time, cost and stress etc. It just wasn’t right for us personally. If it had been for a first child we probably would, but after conceiving with no problem first time round, secondary infertility has been a really tough journey for us to accept. We have had some fertility investigations/treatments, but that was the limit we set ourselves. I do still sometimes wonder if we should have done IVF, but you have to make a decision and make peace with it and accept what will be, will be.

I am currently pregnant with my first child via IVF. We were very very lucky that we got a good number of embryos and our first transfer has worked. This isn't always the case though and I know couples who have had multiple egg collections and ended up with zero embryos, or low number of embryos and never had a successful embryo transfer.
We won't be having any other embryo transfers as the stress and anxiety was horrendous, even though we were very lucky and got pregnant.
I see couples with 2 children and it looks too stressful in my opinion😂

I had ivf for my first child two further ivf attempts failed to produce a sibling . at the time I was devastated BUt things happy for a reason my ds father died when ds was 10 I m a single mum it would be much harder to juggle work childcare and the mental load with two or more . My son and I go on amazing holidays all round the world (travel being my passion pre kids) no way could I afford those holidays with more than one . My son is my everything gets all my attention and hopefully will reap the rewards of that in later life

Definitely not unreasonable to feel the urge to have another child. We also went through secondary infertility. Years and years of trying and failing to get pregnant and failing, along with countless insensitive comments of “when are you having another” or “you don’t want your daughter to be an only child do you?” almost broke me. Ironically it was only after I gave up trying and accepted I would only have one child that I fell pregnant again unexpectedly. There is a 9 yr gap between my two girls. What can I tell you, my second daughter is my biggest Joy, and makes me feel complete? Yes that is completely true!! But also in retrospect, now that I am not in a constant state of need for another baby, I can also tell you the incredible Joy that being a mother to an only child is, a relationship that is different and in some ways more special than the one you have when you have to divide yourself between more than one! Good luck whatever you decide xx

@PrincessCookooland ❤️ Thanks, I'm actually having acupuncture since a while and it's helped so much in so many ways- it has made me ovulate again, amongst many other benefits. The problem is now more that we found out that my OH's sperm quality is bad, (although not Aazospermia) it turns out we were massively lucky to have our son in the first place without IVF. I've got my OH on to acupuncture and supplements now as well and hopefully that will do it, but we've tried again for almost two years so I'm not sure it will. All your lovely comments have helped me so much though already :-)

Realistically, I don’t think many people who enjoy having one child and who have a strong desire for another regret having a second.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t find happiness and acceptance with having a single child, and there are definitely benefits - not least financial and in terms of the opportunities you can provide for them. There are plenty of things we could afford to provide for one child that we can’t afford for two.

I wouldn’t say two has made me happIER (I was happy before, I was happy after) but to be absolutely honest I did get a sense of “yes, we’re complete now” after having a second.

Oh no need to take me so literally!! 🙄🙄🙄

I really doubt many people "regret" it... regret is a strong way to feel. Yes it may be harder, and I totally agree my older child is getting a crankier me at times. But there are also many positives, and I can't ever imagine anyone who isn't depressed, regretting their child.

@Wickedmum what an amazing story!! Thank you so much - your words really reasonated with me. I wish you all the very best xxx

@Elaina87 The reason I am against the phrase "you will never regret having a second but you may regret not having another" is the word "never" because that's obviously not true and implies everyone that is on the fence (whatever their personal circumstances) should go for that second child because they won't regret it. Their personal circumstances should be the deciding factor on whether to move forward, not some silly phrase that gives a false sense of security.

It may be a much smaller proportion of people that will feel regret but saying "never" is just false. Putting aside the "known" personal factors that would impact on the decision, having a second child can cause hardship in unforseen ways. Post natal depression/mental health issues, divorce, a life time care committment say if the child is born highly disabled, siblings that absolutely hate each other etc. It's possible to love a child but still feel regret of the possibilities lost due to having that child. It may be on the rarer side of things and not enough of a reason to not try, but that's for them to decide..

I dont think people with 2 are happier, not in the early years at least.

I stuck at 1 and a lot of people have privately said that they would have reconsidered or stuck at 1 had they known what it would be like to have 2.

I think having a child is such a high that there is a biological urge to do it over and over again. I've chosen to stick at 1 but honestly could have had baby after baby as I love it all so much.

You want 2. So they for 2. It doesnt need to be mental torture or complicated, just make your decision and go with it. The fact you've started this thread shows it is always on your mind so just get stuck in. X

IVF shouldn't exist. It's man made if you are suppose to have a child you will be blessed with one.
I know you only have one, and I personally think it's okay to have up to 3 kids but the planet is overpopulated.

And as someone else pointed out single children are usually happier. I am a child with one brother and sister. I wish I was an only child or only had one other sibling.

Everything is obviously just my opinion and your choice as it's your life. We can all only give opinions you will do as you wish