Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second child- am I being unreasonable for really wanting another one?

85 replies

Happyday122 · 04/08/2023 10:09

I will try to keep this short, we have tried for a couple of years to have a second kid, and it looks like we may need IVF. We always said we would not do IVF, we have a wonderful son, a very happy life as a family of 3, the only reason to do it would be my own burning desire to have another. DH is happy either way, one or two kids. Then I look at the state of the world and think maybe if it doesn't happen there is a reason for it not working. Are people with two kids always happier than people with 1?

AIBU- Of course not, it doesn't depend on family size on how happy you are
YANBU- More kids, more happiness

OP posts:
Sunandsea26 · 06/08/2023 21:23

hmmmm this is a really tricky one.
I always wanted more than one, was never an option to not (if I was lucky enough).
struggled to conceive DD1, then fell pregnant when she was 8m old and had DD2, 17months apart. It has been HARD! They are 4.5 and 3 now I look at friends with 1 in envy, thinking how much easier, cheaper, less hectic, more freedom life must be. My two fight a lot but are the best of friends and tbh I don’t really know life with one as it was so long ago and she was so little when her sister came along.
however…. If I was in your position I definitely would have kept trying as it wasn’t an option to only have 1.
I just had no one telling me how bloody hard multiples are and kinda wish I had.

Original poster
Happyday122 · 06/08/2023 21:34

Normalweirdo · 06/08/2023 18:31

If it helps I'm an only child that went on to have an only child by choice. I was never lonely and my parents' house is still full to this day; now with not just my friends but my daughter's friends. Our houses (mine and my parents) seem to be the hosting houses, the place everyone is welcome and there's always lots going on and full of love and laughter. Where everyone comes to relax or socialise.
When my dd was about 2 or 3yrs I did kind of panic. Everyone kept asking when I'd have another and suggesting I should. I'm sure hormones were raging through my body as biology tried to steer me to have more but it passed. I'm happy I resisted the hormonal urge and stuck at 1. I'm not saying it'll be the same for you but that is our reality and we're all very happy from grandparents through to teenage dd.

This sounds so fabulous! I love that :-)

OP posts:
LillyLeaf · 06/08/2023 21:41

I have one via ivf and have decided to not try for more, lots of reasons but I think it's the right thing to do. Also Ivf was bloody expensive, not just the treatment but the drugs cost was insane. We spent easily over 20k. Luckily it worked, but we were very close to it not working. When do you stop if it's not working?

letloz · 06/08/2023 22:28

So hard to say as there's some bits that are better and some harder. I'd say for a while we were more miserable with two, as it was such hard work for the first year or so.. but thankfully that seems to have evened out now. But I wouldn't say we were more or less happy with two than we were with one. In general I don't think people are going to be less happy with one, unless, like you, they have a feeling there is something missing...

Dreamingofwalden · 06/08/2023 22:38

I was desperate to have a second child. We did not have IVF but did have some fertility treatments. Soon after the treatment I became pregnant with twins which was a huge shock. I had been desperate to have another child but going from 1 to 3 was very unexpected.
I truly love my boys and having experienced losses and unexplained infertility am very grateful to have three healthy children.

The jump from one to three was intense - financially, logistically and emotionally- for our eldest. I love our messy, noisy, chaotic life but it would definitely be a lot simpler if we had stuck with one. Just a different perspective for you to consider.

Teaismymiddlename · 06/08/2023 22:41

I have one. He's now 12.

All my friends with two just say how much their kids argue all the time and how annoying it is

He goes to lots of clubs and has friends of all different ages

I just asked him for you if he ever gets lonely and he said that he loves being on his own. He gets quiet when he wants it and mates over when he needs company

Sometimes I worry as a lone parent that if anything happens to me he'll be very alone, but i have a sibling and we barely speak so that's really not a guarantee anyway

We are very very close with me just having the one

fourkid · 06/08/2023 22:47

Hi, I really think it is a personal thing. I think the biological urge was a massive factor for me, I just couldn’t shake wanting a third baby. Then we got twins! I’m in the thick of it now with 2/2/7/10! So just always worth considering- you might get two! Pros and cons come with one child or more than one child, sometimes that biological feeling can be more overwhelming than making a practical decision xx

MoonLion · 06/08/2023 22:53

I'm sure I'd have tried IVF if I'd been unable to have a child... but I don't think I would have if I hadn't been able to have a second (although it's hard to be sure). It's so personal though.

Mummytotheboy · 06/08/2023 22:53

WannaBeRecluse · 04/08/2023 10:17

There is no guarantee that siblings are best of friends, or have anything in common when older.

This! My partner and his brother hate each other and I dont use that word lightly. My partner says they have never got on. They have 1 thing in common which is hating each other.
I was an only child. I was never lonely, I went to lots of social things like Brownies, swimming, dancing. I always wanted a sibling but seeing my partner and his I'm glad I was an only child. The relationship I had with my parents was great.
We've got one child and are keeping it that way. We dont feel it's a bad decision mainly as I had a lovely childhood as an only child and my partner didn't due to not being!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 22:57

Dombasle · 04/08/2023 10:21

Children are a blessing. Have another one if you and your husband want one and are in a living and happy relationship and can afford one.

Nothing else needs to be considered.

This is proper bollocks.

Elaina87 · 06/08/2023 22:59

Had my second 3 months ago, my eldest has just turned 5. Having 2 is way harder than I expected and is an ongoing adjustment. Going back to baby days is hard, despite the burning desire I had too (damn hormones!). I certainly don't regret having my second baby and I love her, and I am sure in time we will adjust and it will all become normal and more enjoyable. For the moment it is pretty hard, I go from one child to the other without much of a break.. So I guess what I am saying is, no people with more than 1 aren't always happier and it's not a walk in the park
There is a lot to be said for sticking with one. If you have that burning desire though, nothing anyone will say will stop you going ahead.

Ilikepinacoladass · 06/08/2023 23:01

It's very hard to predict, lots of people don't get on with their siblings. I'm an only child and always wanted siblings when I was growing up, but there are also lots of benefits to being an only.

In terms of the 'state of the world' consideration, I actually think this works against only sticking with one. We are heading towards a negative population in the near future due to decline in birth rate. Which would be really disastrous for the country..

Elaina87 · 06/08/2023 23:01

fourkid · 06/08/2023 22:47

Hi, I really think it is a personal thing. I think the biological urge was a massive factor for me, I just couldn’t shake wanting a third baby. Then we got twins! I’m in the thick of it now with 2/2/7/10! So just always worth considering- you might get two! Pros and cons come with one child or more than one child, sometimes that biological feeling can be more overwhelming than making a practical decision xx

Yep... when you get that biological urge is can't be stopped, even if practically you know it's not ideal!

Ilikepinacoladass · 06/08/2023 23:14

Elaina87 · 06/08/2023 23:01

Yep... when you get that biological urge is can't be stopped, even if practically you know it's not ideal!

Show quote history

The biological urge definitely can be stopped - what about the millions of people who would love to have a / another child but are unable to for whatever reason?

Also think some people would carry on having babies indefinitely if practical reasons weren't a consideration.

Dimsumdone · 06/08/2023 23:16

It's totally personal unfortunately! We have a ds via IVF, had a failed transfer and then decided not to try again due to age, lack of energy, the unknown genetic risk factors of having another, and finances. I've always had it in my head I would have two and feel guilty at times "for not providing a sibling", but he gets the best version of me, not the tired cranky version he'd get if I had another. Who knows if they'd get on, they aren't guaranteed playmates especially with a large-ish age gap. I do wish I could have another "son/daughter around the table" in my later years but if I'm honest I don't really want to bring another one up, my son is perfect for me and I'm happy just bringing up him!

Oh I really don't like the phrase a pp used "you will never regret having a second but you may regret not having another", it's overused and utter rubbish. Of course you could regret having another...

But saying all this, if you really want another and think you won't be able to move past that then it could make sense to give IVF a shot.. IVF-specific counselling may help the decision process..

PeggyPoggle · 06/08/2023 23:25

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 06/08/2023 18:57

@Happyday122 I was in the same situation as you this time last year. We have a wonderful 3 year old and I always wanted another and my husband was always on the fence. We decided sod it and have another. I'm now 6 months pregnant and I honestly feel we made the best decision.

You will never regret having a second but you may regret not having another

It's so crappy at the moment isn't it. Cost of living crisis etc but there is never a right time. I'm 36 and feeling a bit on the older side

I wish you best of luck what ever you decide
Xx

That phrase 'you'll never regret having a second but you may regret not having another' is complete bollocks.

When does it end? Does it apply to someone who has 5 children? You'll never regret having a 6th but you may regret not having another?

People do regret having children. They'd never admit it openly though. Children are hard work, however much you adore them.

milkyway1 · 06/08/2023 23:28

I'd never put myself through IVF so that would me be done at one.
I think one will be the norm in Europe from now on for all the reasons you might imagine.

Baba197 · 06/08/2023 23:29

WannaBeRecluse · 04/08/2023 10:17

There is no guarantee that siblings are best of friends, or have anything in common when older.

This. So many people say they want another child so their 1st has a sibling and isn’t lonely but there is no guarantee they will get along. If you want another child have one because of that, not to stop your 1st being lonely. I think family size is very personal, I’m an only child and so is my son, I did ivf and lost 7 babies before I had him and I’m just beyond grateful to have him. I only ever wanted one and wouldn’t put either of us through ivf again. Having one child is cheaper- we do lots of lovely days out, holidays, have passes for theme parks etc that we couldn’t afford if had another child, no sibling squabbles, trying to divide attention equally etc. my son is a very happy, loving child and I don’t think he’d have coped well with sharing my attention so this works for us. Don’t let obsession with having another child rob you of time with the one you do have, I’ve seen it happen so many times and it’s so sad. There is no perfect decision, only what is right for you and life with one child isn’t 2nd best

stichguru · 06/08/2023 23:29

Only you can decide this. I'm an only child and was happy and my son is an only child and he is happy. I'm sure you could find people with like 0-however many kids, who are happy with the number of kids they have. So yes it would have been possible to have decided not to go for IVF and not to have any kids and be happy. It would also be possible to stop at 1 and be happy. However there is no magic number that makes everyone happy, so sorry but only you can weigh up what is right for you. I think I maybe have to put a bit more effort into being a playmate for my son than I would if he had sibling playmates, but I see that as a privilege and we are closer because of it. I thankfully never had to have IVF though. Would the added difficulties of you going through IVF make it very hard for you and your son? Maybe stick to one for that reason. I hope you can be happy whatever you decide.

Northeastmammy · 06/08/2023 23:33

It’s totally your choice and I think deep down you know what you really want!
My opinion tho, I have an only daughter and we tried for another when she was 6 for a few years and it didn’t happen for us. We are happy with one tho tbh! It took us 6 years to come round to another as the birth was very traumatic and I needed counselling after. I felt the guilt that she was on her own, but honestly having another baby in the hope they would be friends is a long shot!
But tbh at the same time, I see people with multiple kids on school runs etc and it does seem very stressful! Our lives are so much nicer and easier with one, she never goes without and has plenty of friends!

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 06/08/2023 23:41

If you want another one then I say do it. I have 2 and for me it's the perfect number. I can't imagine having an only child, yes it's easier in a lot of ways, but the joy of watching my kids make each other laugh far outweighs the annoyance at the bickering and competing! That said...anyone who goes on to have 3 or more is insane in my eyes! 😆 2 is more than enough to keep me on my toes and give enough attention to! (However my friend didn't feel like she was done when she just had 2, but did after 3, so everyone is different)

yessim · 07/08/2023 00:03

We had DD1 and initially thought we'd stop at one. We had her late in life and didn't see the need to complicate life with another. But when she was a toddler I'd see families on days out with 2 siblings and realised she would really gain from that interaction. It took a couple of years of ttc before we finally had DD2.

I'd looked jnto IVF and decided I didn't think the stats were favourable enough to spend on it at my age (40). I guess I had the attitude that if it was meant to happen, then it would. If not, we would stick to plan A and enjoy life as a family of 3. We are happy now as a family of 4 but we'd equally have been happy as 3 too. Right now I think DD1 would be slightly happier to be an only tbh, as DD2 is still too young to play yet she takes mine and DH's attention from her. But I still hope that they can be play mates in a few years. There isn't much financial impact of having DD2 as we can still afford luxuries for both, but we can't create more time or split attention fully between both dc.

Wickedmum · 07/08/2023 00:15

This is really a personal choice, my story is this:

we had an ectopic pregnancy 11 months before our oldest was born, I had a traumatic birth with eldest and it took me months to recover, when he was about 2.5 years old I had another ectopic but this one almost killed me, thankfully still here to see him grow up.

we couldn’t try for a year after the 2nd ectopic due to the work I had done to me womb as it would likely rupture as pregnancy got bigger. We ‘tried’ more a case of if it happened it happened and we just had fun along the way, I always knew I’d wanted another baby, any way as he and we got older we decided enough was enough we were happy and healthy as a family of 3 and DS didn’t suffer being an only child, I went back on contraception but it didn’t agree with me tried different methods, was referred to Gynae Jan 2020 to go and speak to them about a hysterectomy, had an appt scheduled for April 2020 covid hit appt cancelled,
low and behold I fell pregnant May 2020 and now have a 2.5 year old miracle baby.

I was 38 when we had our second, the oldest was 11, I don’t regret having any of my children but I didn’t think at that stage of my life we’d have any more, I struggled massively to get my head around the pregnancy, that baby was ok etc due to my previous losses, I couldn’t settle even once he was here and I’m not going to lie it was seriously hard work and a major adjustment having a baby and a 11 year old at home, who was homeschooling for 3/4 months after the birth, I’m not sure of the restrictions played a part in how we adjusted to a family of 4 but it was hard on all off us, I also think it was hard because he was a massive surprised that we never thought would ever happen.

am I happier now than I was with just the one, no I’m not any happier or sadder, I don’t feel any more/less complete having two kids, having a fuller table when older hadn’t ever crossed my mind, my boys absolutely adore one another and I wouldn’t change them for the world just wish it didn’t take so long to have the second.

yhe whole point of this is no one can tell you what’s right or wrong for you and your family, we all face challenges it’s how we navigate them that makes us stronger.

I will say this though, had we not be blessed with our second we would have continued to be a happy family of 3, with no regrets of only having the one child.

good luck for the future and what ever decision you make, keep talking to your OH and navigate this life together

PrincessCookooland · 07/08/2023 02:48

It's natural to like to have children and to have a 2nd too. I don't know your situation re IVF but have you tried acupuncture? I went through over year of TTC and wondering if it's good idea... I don't think I could have handled IVF. After about 3 months of acupuncture fell pregnant with first and went back again for 2nd and took 2 months. I wouldnt have considered IVF so was really happy I was able to have children. Might not work for everyone but worth a try x

CKMc2b · 07/08/2023 03:17

You're not being unreasonable. My second child is a joy and I couldn't imagine life now without her here. I actually want a third and I did have to do IVF for my second. I did 7 rounds of IVF and 10 transfers to get my DD. I actually have embryos left over and want a third child even! I have to say I'm happier now, I'm the happiest I've been with two wonderful children 7 & 15mos.