Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

I don't think bill-splitters and those who order more are necessarily trying it on (or at least, I think better of my social circle because I like them).

Most people don't actually notice whether someone else at the table has skipped a starter, skipped dessert, is drinking a soft drink, only had a glass of wine. When there's a big group and the wine and conversation are flowing, keeping track of that isn't a priority. If someone is ordering less and wants to pay accordingly, it's incumbent on them to speak up. And in my social circle that would never, ever be considered awkward, and I've been on both sides of the coin.

The argument for bill-splitting is that a lot of the time people fall somewhere between "ordering three courses with a lobster main, a cocktail and multiple bottles of wine" and "ordering the cheapest starter on the menu and a tap water". There are usually more convoluted permutations: skipping starter but ordering the expensive steak; two cheap courses; one course but lots of booze; sharing a starter but not a main; two bottles of wine between three people, except someone turned up late and joined in but obviously no one kept track of exactly how many glasses everyone had. That's why an even split is easier so often.

But fundamentally it should not be awkward, and in my social circles is never awkward, for someone to say they're only paying their share because they ate less or didn't drink booze or are on a budget.

I agree, why wouldn’t they find out how much the actual food was, pay for the higher amount and then divide the wine out more fairly.

I remember Martin Lewis saying that the best way is for everyone to pay what they think they owe. It’s usually short so then you split the difference.

But if I knew the bill was being split I’d make sure that I had as many courses as everyone else regardless of whether I was hungry.

I would have and have previously said 'I'm just going to pay for mine this time, ok?'.

It can be a easy to lose track if there have been several shared bottles but just one glass and a main plus service is easy to calculate. I wouldn't bother if someone has just had an extra side salad but it's not petty if people are ordering dishes 3x the value plus lots more to drink.

Unless you're all very well off then I don't think it was good manners for the chef's special lot not to cover more of their share.

I have a good friend who quite often doesn't drink at get togethers (works funny shifts) and he always does this in a nice way- with a smile, unapologetic and he discreetly adds up his share as he goes so he can just offer that amount plus tip at the end then the rest can divvy up theirs.

Yes I’d say it’s fine in “specials” circumstances like this, it’s not like its £5.

What did they eat?!

This is all well and good if you don’t go out with a bunch of CFs as many apparently have according to this thread. I’ll never forget arranging a dinner for my relative’s birthday and let’s just say it seemed all her friends forgot to add service and drinks when paying and when the final card payment came to me it was about £80 missing. I didn’t bother asking what happened as I didn’t want to be that person on her birthday. Chalked up to experience now I’m a bit older and wiser - and more confrontational with calling out CFs.

if I was one of the friends who had ordered the £90 main I would have just insisted that everyone pays for their own food and drink. Everyone paying over £100 for a meal because of my error would have kept me awake at night!

@Brefugee ah- you see Germans are blunt , as are Dutch! Not rude- just very matter of fact in my experience. Thing with Brits is none of us tend to want to look 'tight' in front of others- we are a nation of 'mustn't grumbles' who do grumble a lot behind the scenes!!

I've had a night like this before and it did stick in the craw I must admit

I think really those who had the spendy special should have immediately offered to pay their share instead of allowing everyone else to subsidise their choices. I’m always really conscious of this when splitting a bill, you don’t need people to start getting their calculators out but having something fancy and letting others pay for it is really taking the piss and rude. If they don’t offer to do this, it’s awkward as hell to be the one to say anything. It would put me off wanting to share a meal with them again after pulling a shitty stunt like that and I’d hope they’d offer to pay more to make up for it next time to get things back on a more even keel.

I know my friends and family well enough to say to them that if they were ordering the really expensive dish then I wouldn't be splitting the bill. If I wanted the expensive meal I would say what I was having and that I would be paying for it.

I wouldn't eat out with people who I couldn't say this to. The only time I go out with colleagues is when the boss is paying at Christmas.

Very poor form on their part, I would have insisted on taking the outsize difference of the mains out rather than 1 bottle of wine. Totally outrageous, but I find these days my expectations of people's integrity are rarely matched.....

Also, I wouldn't need a calculator. I would just round things up and add them up in my head.

I had this with my NCT group. We’d go out, 3 of us would share a bottle of wine and the 2 non-drinkers would always have steak (and often one or two of the drinkers too). I’d have the veggie option 1/3 of the price. When the bill came, we’d take the wine off, add it proportionally to the drinkers’ bills - and I’d subsidise those fuckers’ steaks! Wouldn’t have minded if the company/evenings hadn’t made me want to poke my eyes out. And I’d not only be annoyed with myself for not saying anything; Id have helped work out the bill! 🙈 I just stopped going out with them after the third time 🙈

I feel like a more significant part of it isn't not wanting to look tight, it's not wanting to look poor. Still lots of shame attached to struggling financially and a lot of people will do anything before they let their friends know.

Luckily, in a way, I spent my 20s working in/around industries where it was par for the course to be broke. No one would have judged anyone else for it.

What the hell cost £90? Steak?

I find when the shoe is on the other foot I’ll be the first person to speak up to ensure (eg) the OP doesn’t get unwittingly taken advantage of, but when it’s me that’s overpaying I just grin and bear it, even when I’ve no money left in the bank! And the resent it. Luckily my actual friends are all as rubbish/generous with money as we are.

I also go out with a hobby group, for lunch. They are all retired and wealthier than me. We all have the same kind of thing (main plus glass of wine). Some will have a dessert, some not, but it doesn't add on a huge amount. So I was very surprised the first time when they firmly and unashamedly asked for separate bills. You all go up separately and pay (pub or small restaurant) and then maybe put a couple of quid on the table. Saves any worrying about someone having more or things being unfair. Might not be so convenient for the pub, but they've always said it's fine, and they just sort it out on the till anyway. So now, when I'm with friends, I'm that person who announces they'll be paying their own bill. One friend has been funny about this, but she's the one who orders a bottle of wine!

I’m quite happy to look/be poor but I just find the awkwardness of saying something too much to bear, even though I’m a fairly forthright person.

@Tidsleytiddy you personally don't mind paying £110 for a £40 meal, and I expect the same is true of those in your friendship group(s) too. That's fine. But can't you imagine that there are people for whom that extra £70 makes a big difference? Especially those - like a non-drinking veggie who is less comfortably off than you - who could be paying a lot extra every single time they go for a meal out with friends? Or do you think that such people should just not go out at all?

They sound like total cheeky twats. Aren't you angry with them? I don't think I'd want to go to dinner with them again. I've spoken up about this on a couple of occasions and I was so glad I did even though it felt awkward.

Thankfully in my friend group we always pay our own without saying . I'd let it go this time but next time made sure I'd pay fairly and then maybe comment on "the last time" if someone gets huffy

If it had been my dish that cost £90 I'd be sure to pay for it!! I'd expect anyone in this situation to pay and I'm v surprised they didn't. Would you feel the same if all your friends bar sat in ordinary seats on a plane but two sat in 1st class, paid for by everyone else.

It's so strange that we've been brainwashed to think that only paying for your own bill is tight and miserly but expecting other people to pay for your expenses is perfectly fine and it's embarrassing not to...

What the hell cost £90? Steak?

The must-try special was actually described as 'Star Wars Steak'. It was chewy.