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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

523 replies

Jyas · 03/08/2023 22:16

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

OP posts:
NotaDryEye · 04/08/2023 10:56

In a group dinner, I think there is always an initial expectation (usually) - to split equally. However, in my friendship groups, we do also acknowledge non-drinkers and they pay less.

In one school night mums out, we simply stated beforehand that the food bill would be split, and people ordered and paid for their drinks separately. I thought this worked really well. Stating expectations before (not after) is always really helpful as then everyone in the party knows the score.

I don't think you can say anything after the event, but next time, before you go, I don't think it is rude to say you only want to pay your share or that you would like to pay less as a non-drinker.

Tracker1234 · 04/08/2023 10:57

My son works in a very nice gastro pub and they wont allow split bills in that of course you decide what you are going to pay but the restauarnt doesnt get involved in the discussions.

They used to but it got massively complex and annoys the other diners. The fight that broke out once made them decide no more! It also takes ages and ages for the table to organise themselves and the place does two sittings

draxdomax · 04/08/2023 10:57

LOL I had someone invite me to a birthday and I had a modest meal, thinking they'll pay for it...
Culture shock when they said they are splitting the bill.
I added up my items and took exactly that amount (rounded up for tip) from my wallet and said "I am just paying for mine".

I don't think anyone would have dared to argue with the simple idea of "I am paying for what I ordered".

...

About those who ordered the 90 pound meal - what a lovely idea... "If we are splitting the bill, I make sure I order at least above average and might as well go all out".
Very selfish.

Truemilk · 04/08/2023 10:59

If I had been one of the ones who had the expensive main course I would have absolutely insisted on paying fully for it myself. I'd be really embarrassed making others pay way more than they should have.

1993GoToo · 04/08/2023 11:02

These types of threads are so annoying.

OP - I paid £300 for a £2.50 plate of chips.
Posters - say something!
OP - in a Mavis Riley voice "Oooh Noooo, I couldn't possibly argue with them, I am not that sort. I am just too lovely"

THEN WHY START THE THREAD IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO SORT IT?!

Appleofmyeye2023 · 04/08/2023 11:03

Rainbowqueeen · 03/08/2023 22:42

To be honest I would not have expected the situation to arise because I would expect the people who had the chefs special to immediately say that they would pay their bill separately. That’s what a decent person would do. It may have been unexpected to them but they shouldn’t expect other people to pay for their mistake in not enquiring.

Yes I would have said something but I’m old and not willing to put up with a lack of manners like this any more. I do recognise how difficult this is for many people though

This, they’re either really thick and bad at maths, or they’re chancing it.
the fact they recognised they’d spent more, but then offered a cheaper option of wine removed, rather than asking for menu back and confirming prices with waiter and doing a better sum
maybe they were embarrassed to ask for menu to see pricing from waiter? But I’m really clutching at straws here
I would be contacting at least one of others in the “cheaper” group, and ask if you’re being unreasonable to feel this was unfair, see what they say, see if they have a suggestion. There’s probably, if they’ve done the maths, a good chance it’s smarting them too, and two of you raising it in group means it’ll seem less “petty”
its isn’t petty, £10 more or sometimes less on regular outings evens out and is ok, but not this

i bet the expensive dish folks were a bit staggered and shocked at price. So I’d certainly, at very least, say , people must find out exactly how much their dish will be if not on menu, so this doesn’t happen again and if someone wants to spend so much more on a dish, others should not have to subsidise this . Phrase it as a lesson learnt for future, and see if they feel bad and offer to compensate a bit more. If not move on, but INSIST in future that people know price before ordering, and that if it’s more than £10 more than others, they must contribute the difference.

MotherofWhippets81 · 04/08/2023 11:05

I don't think you should let this slide. I'd be seething. I'm normally fairly laid back with splitting a bill but that's an unbelievable difference. I've only said something once when I spent £15 and was driving everyone and then they ask my for £50 towards the bill.

I presume you've probably got a WhatsApp group or similar? I think I would say something like (maybe when the next one starts to be organised).

'Hi all that sounds lovely and I'm looking forward to it - I don't want to sound a miser and normally I'm quite happy to split the bill but after we left last time I was a bit taken aback when I realised I had spent £45 and my share of the bill was £110. Can I ask if this happens again we simply pay for what we have. Cost of living and all that. Looking forward to seeing you all'

No one could think you're unreasonable for not wanting to sub others £65 for their meals and if they do they're not people I would want to hang out with to be honest.

Brefugee · 04/08/2023 11:07

never ever agree to split the bill. Agree in advance, or say in advance that you will be paying only for what you consume.
And that should be the end of it.

starfishmummy · 04/08/2023 11:17

I wish I’d had the courage to say something…I’m not great at standing up for myself.

There's a good chance you are not the only disgruntled person here.

Rather than waiting until the next meal out and any potential awkwardness at bill time, can you start a conversation now about having separate bills due to the unexpected elly high cost last time?

misteek · 04/08/2023 11:25

in my experience people having an expensive meal know exactly what they are doing,dont be so gullible.

nofashionflair · 04/08/2023 11:26

If my main had been £50ish more than the average, I'd have offered to pay £50 plus my share of the rest of the bill. Very cheeky to expect other people to subsidise when your meal is so much more expensive.

MadeForThis · 04/08/2023 11:28

Order the most expensive dish the next few times.

Bristoluser · 04/08/2023 11:29

Next time I'd only bring cash and only enough to cover what you'll have plus a tip. I'd look at the menu beforehand so you can bring enough.

Then when you arrive I'd say 'I'm doing my bill separately as I have to pay cash'.

Then I'd do that from then on. It's too late for the meal you've already had but make sure it doesn't happen again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2023 11:31

A few times when I've been out in groups and I note their is a non-drinker at the table or someone with a smaller appetite, when the conversation turns to splitting the bill and they oblige I have stepped in and said absolutely not!

So have I - I expect that anyone who tries to behave decently would - and even after a few wines this "perhaps they didn't think" seems a bit much

IME these types will very often "think" if someone else's choices cause them to be out of pocket, but not necessarily when it's been theirs

Funny that ...

Bristoluser · 04/08/2023 11:33

Don't explain why you're paying cash. Just make sure you only have enough for your share and don't bring any cards out. (Maybe have a little extra cash in another pocket in case you go on for drinks but don't delve into it after the meal).

If anyone asks about why you only have cash just say "it helps me budget'.

cordelia16 · 04/08/2023 11:34

Namddf · 03/08/2023 22:58

But you see, I’ve done this and my friends HATE it. They always say how they don’t like ‘quibbling over the bill’ and prefer to just split it.

I’ve been in so many situations where I’ve had to pay almost twice as much as I’ve eaten and drunk to cover people’s steaks/wine and been sniffed at when I complain that now I just don’t go out for meals with friends. Sad but true.

Show quote history

I always find that it's the people who spend the most money (starters, expensive main, and lots of drinks/bottles of wine) who hate the quibbling. Funny that.

I have a group of friends I go out with every other month. I have dietary restrictions and don't drink (only have ice water). When the bill comes, they deduct what I owe (usually around £25 including my share of the tip) from the total bill and then split the remainder amongst themselves. The first time I insisted that they just split the bill (meaning I would pay 1/5 or 1/6, whatever), they got angry on my behalf and said it wasn't fair that I had to subsidise their more costly meals/drinks.

The next time you go out, OP, you should definitely speak out at the time. Paying £110 for a £40 meal is not right.

RudsyFarmer · 04/08/2023 11:35

Did the people who ordered the £90 dishes know they were £90? It sounds like all of you were stuffed by the restaurant to be honest.

RudsyFarmer · 04/08/2023 11:36

*stiffed

Tidsleytiddy · 04/08/2023 11:38

Picking over restaurant bills. Can’t abide it. You’re out with friends for the ambience and atmosphere not to check who’s had what. People at work used to do it. Get a calculator out. I never went again

TedMullins · 04/08/2023 11:40

I’m so glad all my friends are calculator-producing bill quibblers. What on earth is wrong for someone only wanting to pay for what they had and not subsidise other people? You have no idea of people’s budgets.

Tidsleytiddy · 04/08/2023 11:41

Because it looks tight-fisted and petty. If you can’t afford an evening out say so and don’t go

BarbaraofSeville · 04/08/2023 11:42

FFS check your privilege @Tidsleytiddy

People can afford an evening out. They just can't afford a CFs evening out as well as their own.

TedMullins · 04/08/2023 11:48

Tidsleytiddy · 04/08/2023 11:41

Because it looks tight-fisted and petty. If you can’t afford an evening out say so and don’t go

So you think paying £100 for a meal that was actually £40 is OK purely because of what other people might think? Christ, I’m glad you’re not my friend. Absolute CFery.

Tidsleytiddy · 04/08/2023 11:50

You are paying for a whole evening in the company of people you like. It’s a ‘night out’

TedMullins · 04/08/2023 11:51

I’ll choose how much I’m willing to spend on an evening in the company of people I like, thanks. If they want to buy £90 meals I’m sure as shit not chipping in.