Page 5 | Is once a week too often to talk to a parent?

Kowaii · 2023-08-03T18:43:35+00:00

I usually try and FaceTime my dad once a week as my kids love speaking to him (he lives quite far away) and I like speaking to my siblings (who are all children). Apparently this is causing issues with his wife who has told me it’s not approx to disturb their family life so often and it’s weird that as an adult I want to speak to my father so often. I actually went years without speaking to him at one point, but I am happy with where things are now and my children really love him and miss him. Aibu? Should I cut it down or is the wife the one being unreasonable? I know she doesn’t not like me at all but I feel she should just kind of get over that like I’ve had to.

MushMonster · 04/08/2023 06:45

Wow! First 100% vote I see 😀
If he is ok with it, keep contacting him.
She is a jealous idiot.

SMsees · 04/08/2023 06:47

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Selfishmillennials · 04/08/2023 07:09

Here’s my take on this post.

You were upset about your parents break up. Went NC with your Dad at some point when you were older because he didn’t “prioritise” you over his wife. Perhaps you did things or said things and he stuck up for her, perhaps she was actually innocent in the problems - you got a cob on. Im talking as an adult by the way, not a poor little child who’s DF was taken away by an evil woman. You cut them off even though it meant you didn’t see your half siblings…..because it had to be all about you. Am I close? I think there was no phone call from SM. In fact I think that this post is made to suit you. I’m sure some of it is true but you need therapy not mumsnet.

HedgehogOBrien · 04/08/2023 07:20

Some posters having another absolutely normal one!!

YANBU OP, your dad sounds very week and his wife sounds like a nightmare.

Selfishmillennials · 04/08/2023 10:32

I have a problem with the assumption that someone in a family should be prioritised over others. Surely to expect to be the priority is never going to work out well for you. When your DF had his other children you would have been on the cusp of being an older teen/adult. What made you feel you should be prioritised? There is more to this than you’re drip feeding us and I think you might have a skewed idea of what a Dad should be and how families work. Perhaps you’re comparing to TV and Film where the Dad is like the work of Disney. Life isn’t really like that.

I watch romance in films and they make me cringe because it’s so unreal to life. Perhaps you’re watching pretend TV dads and longing for that when it’s not real.

Selfishmillennials · 04/08/2023 10:36

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 22:59

If the OP has been horrid to her stepmother, wouldn't it be wise for SM to just not engage?

Why would she be stoking the fire by calling her? That sounds like she likes trouble.

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You’re assuming op is being truthful about the phone call. I think it’s sounding too wicked stepmother personally.

Original poster

Kowaii · 04/08/2023 10:41

Wow 🤣

What an in-depth analysis from such a tiny amount of information. You’ll have to share where you got your crystal ball from!

OP posts:

Selttan · 04/08/2023 10:45

I speak to my mum everyday.

She's currently in hospital recovering from major surgery and I keep forgetting and going to call her.

Unless your once a week phone call is at an inconvenient time I'd be ignoring his wife.

Original poster

Kowaii · 04/08/2023 11:47

I call him at the exact time he says is best. It’s just for 10 minutes in between the kids dinner and bed time.

There are many reasons me and my dad didn’t talk for a while but that’s not the point of the thread. I was asking if once a week is too invasive but it seems not.

OP posts:

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 11:50

You could be my SD. I have never phoned her and said anything like your SM but you're the right sort of age and the things you say about how you should be prioritised is uncanny.
We had a good relationship until she got into her mid twenties. Then resentments from her part came out that we had no idea of and it went to pieces.
Her DF stuck up for me because she was absolutely in the wrong and I was extremely hurt. Now she doesn't speak to either of us or her siblings who did nothing wrong.

She had to do what she had to do but if she comes back into our lives, it won't be all OK with me because I've got my walls up and won't get hurt by her again. That said I'll never stand in the way of her and her DF and siblings. It just won't be easy and she'll never be included in our family life again.

WeightoftheWorld · 04/08/2023 12:10

I speak to my DM most days at least a quick WhatsApp message or whatever. This has been the case probably since I had my first child 5 yrs ago. See her roughly once a week but sometimes more, sometimes less. My DF works away a lot and we aren't quite as close, I probably speak to him briefly maybe once a week or so and see him on average once a fortnight.

I think your set up is definitely not unreasonable. I do know someone who calls their DM every evening to say goodnight which is the only time I've thought "that's a bit much..." but even then, each to their own I suppose.

Merrz · 04/08/2023 12:23

SweetBirdsong · 03/08/2023 21:25

It continues..... 'and when you get there, fuck off some more!' 😆

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😂brilliant, can't wait for the opportunity to use this

Original poster

Kowaii · 04/08/2023 12:56

You genuinely don’t think a child should be priority?? I don’t mean now as an adult, but as a child. That’s hilarious. If a man was posting on here about putting quite literally anything above their child they’d be absolutely torn apart. But of course step mums can do no wrong on here can they!

OP posts:

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 13:04

Not over their siblings. You said you have not been a priority over his new family. So you think you should take priority over your half siblings who would have been a lot younger than you. You being about 15 when first was born.

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 13:05

I'm assuming that last response was aimed at me although I'm not the only one who's noticed the priority thing.

Original poster

Kowaii · 04/08/2023 13:35

Right so previous kids just get binned off as soon as a new one is born. Righto!

I was actually talking about before they were born as well but whatever.

OP posts:

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:28

Not binned off at all. But why should the first child be the priority. All kids should be jointly the priority. My SD expected to be The priority. Can't you see the difference? Sounds to me you're the same. Think you should come first above the new children. Says a lot.

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:34

You're only 27 or so, and I think you have some growing up to do.
Of course It's never the child's fault when a relationship breaks down, ever. But when that child is an adult then they have to take some responsibility for their own relationships with people and your DF obviously loves your SM. Which poses the question of whether you're going to let the situation continue to eat away at you or try to play nicely - because she isn't going anywhere and your children are missing out on their grandparents.

Original poster

Kowaii · 04/08/2023 17:07

I think you should just shut up because you know nothing about the situation you’re talking out of your ass 🤣

OP posts:

Ange1233556 · 04/08/2023 19:14

Are you kidding? Before my dad passed away earlier this year I spoke to him every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. His partner sounds like a jealous prick. Please ignore and carry on

Belizenavidad · 04/08/2023 19:16

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:34

You're only 27 or so, and I think you have some growing up to do.
Of course It's never the child's fault when a relationship breaks down, ever. But when that child is an adult then they have to take some responsibility for their own relationships with people and your DF obviously loves your SM. Which poses the question of whether you're going to let the situation continue to eat away at you or try to play nicely - because she isn't going anywhere and your children are missing out on their grandparents.

Or maybe the SM can mind her own business and let her Husband have a weekly call with his daughter? OP said it was only about a 10 minute call. She shouldn’t have an issue with the man she loves having a relationship with his child, whether she likes her or not.

Womencanlift · 04/08/2023 19:25

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:34

You're only 27 or so, and I think you have some growing up to do.
Of course It's never the child's fault when a relationship breaks down, ever. But when that child is an adult then they have to take some responsibility for their own relationships with people and your DF obviously loves your SM. Which poses the question of whether you're going to let the situation continue to eat away at you or try to play nicely - because she isn't going anywhere and your children are missing out on their grandparents.

Someone should grow up but it’s certainly not the OP

Your dad needs to get a backbone and make his wife aware that he has other important people in his life as well as their children together. But after this amount of time I doubt he will.

He is the problem here, first having an affair and then pushing his daughter away.

But I get that you want a relationship with him. So to answer your original question no once a week is not intrusive and it doesn’t make you look like you are wanting to be the priority, if anything her kids are prioritised more so no idea what she is moaning about

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 04/08/2023 22:13

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:28

Not binned off at all. But why should the first child be the priority. All kids should be jointly the priority. My SD expected to be The priority. Can't you see the difference? Sounds to me you're the same. Think you should come first above the new children. Says a lot.

Well if he lives with the other kids a 10 min call a week is hardly the OP trying to jostle to first priority 🙄

OPs nasty stepmum is that you?!

SadButStillTrue · 05/08/2023 09:15

G00sebumps · 04/08/2023 14:34

You're only 27 or so, and I think you have some growing up to do.
Of course It's never the child's fault when a relationship breaks down, ever. But when that child is an adult then they have to take some responsibility for their own relationships with people and your DF obviously loves your SM. Which poses the question of whether you're going to let the situation continue to eat away at you or try to play nicely - because she isn't going anywhere and your children are missing out on their grandparents.

You sound a bit like you've got a SM chip on the shoulder tbh.

SadButStillTrue · 05/08/2023 09:34

Selfishmillennials · 04/08/2023 07:09

Here’s my take on this post.

You were upset about your parents break up. Went NC with your Dad at some point when you were older because he didn’t “prioritise” you over his wife. Perhaps you did things or said things and he stuck up for her, perhaps she was actually innocent in the problems - you got a cob on. Im talking as an adult by the way, not a poor little child who’s DF was taken away by an evil woman. You cut them off even though it meant you didn’t see your half siblings…..because it had to be all about you. Am I close? I think there was no phone call from SM. In fact I think that this post is made to suit you. I’m sure some of it is true but you need therapy not mumsnet.

The assumptions made here are so blatantly wide off the mark it's almost laughable. But frightening to think people view it this way.

You were upset about your parents break up.
Every child is upset about their parents' breakup. Even when one parent is abusive. It is not just the adults in the thick of it that are traumatised and adversely affected, even if the decision is the right one. So yeah, she would have been. So would you.

Went NC with your Dad at some point when you were older because he didn’t “prioritise” you over his wife.
Sorry, where did the op tell us this? Or is this your magic crystal ball telling you? If it's that good, what are tonight's lottery numbers?
You have absolutely NO CLUE as to why the OP went NC. Going NC is such a painfully huge decision it is rarely taken lightly by someone who values family relationships, which clearly the OP does or she wouldn't have asked if she's being unreasonable trying to have weekly contact with her DF. Please put away the detective work and don't give up your day job!

Perhaps you did things or said things and he stuck up for her, perhaps she was actually innocent in the problems - you got a cob on.
Perhaps she stole a tenner from SM's purse hey? Or perhaps the aliens abducted her and she's become one of them? 😂 I mean, seriously. Put away your 'perhapses' with your detective work and don't go back to them any time soon!

Im talking as an adult by the way, not a poor little child who’s DF was taken away by an evil woman.
Does that happen to poor little children? If it doesn't, this comment belongs with the one above, firmly parked with irrelevant nonsense you are spouting off. If it does, then how would you know this is not the case, and if it is the case then your mocking sarcasm is quite cruel.

You cut them off even though it meant you didn’t see your half siblings…..because it had to be all about you. Am I close?
Not even a little, based on all of the above.

I think there was no phone call from SM.
You were there were you? You've seen the phone log, have you? Oh dear.

In fact I think that this post is made to suit you.
This is about the only half correct thing you've said! It is to suit the OP. But not the way you're insinuating. It is made to suit her so she can intelligently find her way forward with a tricky family situation. Someone who does this is not looking for trouble but looking for solutions to trouble. So yeah, this post is made to suit the OP. Just as everyone else's most likely is, of those who seeks advise on Mumsnet.

I’m sure some of it is true
Really? Which parts?

but you need therapy not mumsnet.
My person view is this is classic projection but even if it is, we could all probably benefit from a bit of therapy, but therapy AND Mumsnet would be the best combo!