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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

479 replies

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:42

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/08/2023 23:45

What was his reaction when this was discovered?

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 23:45

YANBU

He is incompetent, I find this a highly unattractive trait.

MomentOnTheLips · 02/08/2023 23:47

Ouch

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 02/08/2023 23:47

God what a waste.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/08/2023 23:47

Is he just thick?

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:47

Ugghhh.

ConnieTucker · 02/08/2023 23:49

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 23:45

YANBU

He is incompetent, I find this a highly unattractive trait.

This. I wouldnt find incompetence attractive at all

Katrinawaves · 02/08/2023 23:50

Yes that would sting!

Is the situation irretrievable? Can you claim back tax via submitting a tax return or from the nursery?

Circumferences · 02/08/2023 23:50

It sounds like you do not respect him one bit

Edamummybean · 02/08/2023 23:51

YABU for delegating something this important to someone who, by your own assessment, is useless and couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

YANBU to be cross that you’ve lost money when you are struggling financially.

I know this isn’t Relationships, but how do feel about doing life admin and carrying everyone else for the rest of your life? Is it what you signed up for.

GreenMeany · 02/08/2023 23:51

Circumferences · 02/08/2023 23:50

It sounds like you do not respect him one bit

What is he doing to earn her respect?

Xmasbaby11 · 02/08/2023 23:53

I would be livid. That’s money you’ve had no benefit from and now it’s gone.

Did he notice the mistake or was it you?

are there other tasks he’d be better at? I’d be inclined to keep a close eye on finances but you shouldn’t do everything.

dreamonlucid · 02/08/2023 23:53

Circumferences · 02/08/2023 23:50

It sounds like you do not respect him one bit

I think I'd struggle to respect him, he sounds useless!!

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:54

I queried the bill with him a couple of times because it seemed high given the 30 free hours plus tax free. To be told ‘oh no it’s definitely correct, that stuff never covers as much of the bill as you think it does’.

I found out because the account was created using my mobile number and I got a text to renew the details. Out of interest I clicked into the payment section, last payment made was July last year.

When I asked him he kind of stumbled over his words before saying you can’t claim tax free if you get 30 free hours, something I disproved there and then with a simple Google search

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 02/08/2023 23:56

Stupid mistake.

sounds like you don’t like him much and TBH if he’s not pulling his weight I wouldn’t like him much either.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 23:56

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:54

I queried the bill with him a couple of times because it seemed high given the 30 free hours plus tax free. To be told ‘oh no it’s definitely correct, that stuff never covers as much of the bill as you think it does’.

I found out because the account was created using my mobile number and I got a text to renew the details. Out of interest I clicked into the payment section, last payment made was July last year.

When I asked him he kind of stumbled over his words before saying you can’t claim tax free if you get 30 free hours, something I disproved there and then with a simple Google search

So he isn't even able to admit his mistake.
What is the point of him?

Hawkins009 · 02/08/2023 23:57

Circumferences · 02/08/2023 23:50

It sounds like you do not respect him one bit

Would you?

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/08/2023 23:58

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

If you have indeed sat down with him and talked it through/ showed him and checked the first few times then yeah I would shoot him....

I do all life admin and if I was passing it over to DH, I would be OTT because its not that he's incompetent, we all have our way of doing things but I think of it as he's an apprentice.

Therealjudgejudy · 03/08/2023 00:03

Yeah, i would be pretty livid to be fair

TomatoSandwiches · 03/08/2023 00:04

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/08/2023 23:58

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

If you have indeed sat down with him and talked it through/ showed him and checked the first few times then yeah I would shoot him....

I do all life admin and if I was passing it over to DH, I would be OTT because its not that he's incompetent, we all have our way of doing things but I think of it as he's an apprentice.

Most adults are capable of looking up how to complete a task, there are guidelines/instructions on the GOV.co.uk website for the majority of forms/processes.

Who spoon feeds you the information you need to know? Or do you, like most people take the initiative to find out yourself because you aren't an 8yr old.

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 00:05

Does anyone else worry about being run over because the thought of their incompetent ‘d’h running the house makes them break out in a cold sweat???

OP posts:
Dallasdays · 03/08/2023 00:05

This is why I love being a single parent and in control of all admin, without having the resentment of constantly being let down by incompetent men.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 00:08

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/08/2023 23:58

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

If you have indeed sat down with him and talked it through/ showed him and checked the first few times then yeah I would shoot him....

I do all life admin and if I was passing it over to DH, I would be OTT because its not that he's incompetent, we all have our way of doing things but I think of it as he's an apprentice.

If she showed him how to do it, she'd have done it! It's not like showing him how to use the washing machine so that he can do it many more times in the future. This is a one off thing.

NEITHER of them hhasdone it before. So why do you think she should she know more than him?
The difference is that she'd have researched it properly and checked what needed to be done. He didn't.

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:10

TomatoSandwiches · 03/08/2023 00:04

Most adults are capable of looking up how to complete a task, there are guidelines/instructions on the GOV.co.uk website for the majority of forms/processes.

Who spoon feeds you the information you need to know? Or do you, like most people take the initiative to find out yourself because you aren't an 8yr old.

Show quote history

FH calm down love. Not everyone thinks the same and their logic is different- hence why we aren't robots. Let's hope you aren't a manger with your empathy skills.

Mustardforest · 03/08/2023 00:11

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 00:05

Does anyone else worry about being run over because the thought of their incompetent ‘d’h running the house makes them break out in a cold sweat???

No, would rather have the ice-pack relief of a divorce and freedom as opposed to an incompetent manchild effing up family finances and my/children's mental health.