To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

[Jamtartforme]

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

I’m dyslexic, have a horrendous memory, and have never forgotten to pay childcare from the tax free account. He doesn’t care about you or the family - just ditch him

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a team. Its about playing to your strengths not splitting every task 50/50. So if he pulls his weight in other tasks which you stated he does OP let him crack on with those whilst you crack on with the admin.

It doesn't work like that, I assume you mean the old vouchers? It's a maximum amount per quarter, use it or lose it.

OP have you checked funded hours eligibility? The 30 hours needs to be reconfirmed every 3 months or you revert to 15 hours. Has he managed to do this? You do get reminder emails though.

I would never have trusted my DH with this. Why do men never read the instructions!
In my relationship he has other qualities that off set the lack of attention to detail. Perhaps not so in yours?

I won't give him important financial tasks again. Somethings are too important. Just do it your self...

Get him to do more domestic task to compensate

I hate to say it, but I agree with this.

I was the one who did everything in my relationship with STBXH. It was OK before kids but when the kids came along, the resentment over carrying all the extra weight just festered over time. He's only been gone a month, but I can already feel like a weight has lifted because I'm not worrying about stuff he's not done constantly. (He was forever doing stuff like forgetting to lock the door at night etc).

Sometimes my dh comes home and tells me about some email he's had from his manager, saying 'why the f*k do you never have a clue what's going on! Read my f*king emails!' So I know it's not personal against me. Like me they keep him because he's great at other things. We all have our weaknesses.

The door! I've got that. He just doesn't see why it's important to lock the door because we live in a low crime area 😂

Is your name Christine? If it is, we don't keep him because he's good at other things. We keep him because he's slippery as fuck and impossible to manage out. Talks a good game though.

It wasn't even a conscious decision to not lock it. It was like the idea of locking it never even entered his head in the first place. 🙄

He was forever forgetting things. Leaving car keys in the car door in public car parks. Even for work he would forget keys and his wallet. Knowing what I do now about our autistic children, we both highly suspect that he is ND. But even though "it's not his fault" it still just felt like I was a mother to three kids not two and it slowly eroded any respect that I had for him. It wasn't until he left that I actually realised how long I had lived with an underlying sense of anxiety in my own home about what he might have ballsed up each day.

It says it all when an 8YO autistic child is better at remembering what day they have PE and what to pack in their school bag than their mid 40s father is.

"I think of it as he's an apprentice."

An apprentice functioning adult?

There's nothing sitting there , because they haven't used it. So it's empty.

Some horrible responses here.

He didn't do it on purpose or out of malice and is presumably also gutted that the family has lost out on a big sum of free money.

I can understand how you feel at the moment op, of course you're disappointed and angry. But responses calling him incompetent, manchild, what's the point of him, couldn't respect him etc seem too harsh to me.

If you've lost £2000 over a year that's £150 per month. It's a lot of money but try to rationalise it and draw a line under it.

And when you're carving up the chores going forward I'd suggest that admin involving big sums of money fall to you. I mean, why not, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, maybe even you if you really think about it.

I lived with someone who was hopeless with this kind of stuff. I was equally hopeless at more practical things. In time he has got better, his parents never did much in the way of financial planning and they were not very astute and tended to bury their heads and he was the same.
I did think about separating especially when he got us into debt through being useless with managing his bank account, but he was a good father and it wasn't deliberate.
Anyway 20 years later we remain together, he's much more an equal partner and I can rely on him. It's been tough but it's worked out ok.
I wouldn't blame you for leaving or setting out an ultimatum, it depends how much fixing you want to do.

Really sorry that happened to you, OP. Rather sneaky of that insurance company! But, yeah, unfortunately this is the kind of thing that happens if you're disorganised. I'm really disorganised in some ways too - just pay attention to the detail when it comes to tax free childcare and the house is a complete mess!

It’s not necessarily the case that it’s obvious. Our cleaner is Polish and my DW just spent 3-4 days working out all the benefits she was eligible to claim (single mother, victim of dv, young child). Without her help, there is just NO way you would get your head around this. I work in a highly complex and systematic environment but unless I knew what I was doing I would be utterly flummoxed; I was genuinely stunned by everything she did to make this woman’s life easier. British admin is awful- just horribly complex and confusing. My own theory is it’s the states way of preventing paying out what they actually promise people so politically they can say “oh we give this and that benefit” but unless you are native to the system with some experience, you might as well be in Kafka’s maze.

it’s not great that he didn’t immediately trigger a mistake and apologise instead of blagging and trying to cover up, but then how many of us enjoy admitting mistakes? Sure, what he did is a waste and it’s aggravating, made worse by the financial stress, but it’s grounds for a bollocking- this is what it’s like, you have to engage with the state like it’s mortal combat- then next time he’ll improve.

Sorry OP haven’t read all the posts - has he apologised/admitted his mistakes yet? Sounds like ur going to have to micromanage everything from now on. Not easy for u but better than constant let downs and him feeling inadequate and guilty the whole time. Good luck💐

Nah, he's not a bluffer - I'd never have married a bluffer. Can't stand them.

Tbf I've met a lot of people who never claimed their 20% because they've no idea they're entitled to it. He didn't exactly lose any money - just failed to claim a benefit properly. Not quite the same thing in my opinion, annoying as it is.

Have you checked you are getting the 30 free hours? I have to sign a form every term at nursery.

Anyway as a PP said, yes he's a wally but I'd get it all out and not let it eat you up. It wasn't money wasted it was a benefit you didn't claim - if that reframing helps at all.

Has he at least apologised?

Gee whizz - I wonder why that might be?

It must be great to be perfect and to be nice to everyone regardless of what they do.

Sounds like weaponised incomptence to me.

I’d be livid too.

It’s not just the money, although that’s bad enough, but the general attitude. I get the sense from your post that he thinks this sort of household task is a piece of piss and beneath him. Hence he didn’t bother checking how to do it properly, which is why this happened. I get this sense often on posts about men apparently baffled by the fact that domestic tasks and childcare actually take some effort and thought- it’s a real insight into their view of this work and the people who do it.

If this were an honest mistake made by a man who was committed to doing his share, that would be one thing. But it isn’t.

I would also be absolutely livid OP. What a pathetic bloke

This. 100%. Strengths and weaknesses. My partner can’t cope with “house admin” or dealing with queries, quotes and the like so I would just deal with all of it whilst he is the more practical one. He’s extremely hardworking, generous and the most emotionally supportive man I have ever known so I appreciate all the good things he does and just get on with the things I’m better at. If he were to deal with something he wasn’t used to doing I would check that it was all working out as it should so, as you’ve stated he’s no good at this stuff, and you didn’t check for a year, maybe you should have done!