To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

[Jamtartforme]

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

Eh? Aren't you wildly extrapolating here. Not even sure what is your point.

OP is talking about her DH, not men running the world.

FFS, this is not a ‘The poor menz’ thread, it’s about the sheer incompetence of one individual and the significant cost of a lack of care and effort, not a whataboutery competition.

The word Cockwomble comes to mind

When we had tax free childcare we put it towards their nursery or ASC. Has he a stash of them he can use against childcare in the next month or so? That’s how ours worked.

What?! Are you listening to yourself?

Who do you think showed OP "how to do it"?

Noone showed me. I read the seriously simple information on the website.

He's a grown adult - not a child who needs teaching.

Do you infantilise your partner?

Oh, sorry, I missed it. You actually do.

Apprentice? Ridiculous. Not to mention embarrassing for him.

I admit I do and have always done the mental load. Dh does things in other ways so it's always felt equal. However if I expected him to take over something id done (especially finance wise) id want a proper handover.if I've done the research I'd tell my dh, not expect him to start from scratch. Vice Versa.

No but I do break out in a cold sweat when I think of what might happen me if get seriously ill or incapable of communicating and dependant on him for care or decision making. I’d rather a quick release than that.

I bet the poor guy messes up cause your constantly critical probably doesn't know what to do for the best. Tbh totally different angle your disrespect for your hubby the way you talk about him etc it's horrible. I could never imagine talking of anyone like you do and especially not my hubby yes he messes up occasionally but so what he ain't perfect and neither am I. But I would never ever talk about him they way you are. If your so unhappy leave the poor guy so he can find some kindness somewherelse

He does not see that as important.

That's the bottom line.

It's easier for him to just bury his head in the sand. It's easier for HIM to let YOU do it all. And he's willing to let you do it. Even though he KNOWS you're exhausted and have enough on your plate already.

Weaponised incompetence and all that.

How can you respect someone this incompetent? If he couldn't manage it he could have asked OP for help.

I know nothing about these accounts but maybe the nursery can refund the payments from wrong account and you make the payments again from correct account? Or is that not possible?

This - isn't it sitting there to be used as and when you want to?

I totally hear you!! Seem to have tied myself to an IT graduate who is useless in every respect!

Should have kicked him to the kerb many years ago, but never wanted to share access to my kids. Not that he would have been able to cope with access at the end of the day!

Sick, sore and tired of carrying all the mental load, and the physical. He won't leave, and neither will I, so it looks like I am stuck with him. I've put so much money and effort into our home, and he hasn't, but he would still get half of it, plus my inheritance from my parents eventually. He can fuck off!!

Why?? Who on earth do you think is interested in coming for you?

Not much to be gained by giving someone a task that they are incapable or unwilling to do. It may be laziness or incompetence.

Obviously , he needs to be lead. Why not make a list of more menial task and a time line in which they need to be done. Let him choose 2 or 3 that he feels comfortable doing. It may be tedious, but it might be way to get some things done
.

Sometimes ,it is helpful to recognize the different strengths that you bring to the table and appreciating that your partner contributes in a different way that does not match but complements your skills.

The thought police?😃...lighten up!

@Jamtartforme yes I do worry about being run over & leaving all the administration to my dh. I have always taken it all on as it comes naturally to me more than dh. His brain just does not seem to compute this type of thing. I have everything in place & all details on a spreadsheet so if I pop off first he can see what needs to be dealt with. Dd & Ds will be able to help, even from the other end of the country as it's all online.
He more than makes up for it as he has a good, practical job & has always earned more than me. I'm not allowed anywhere near the decorating. He does the gardening, sorts the cars, holidays & a whole load of other practical stuff. We've always made it work as we do the jobs we are best at. Could you sit down & work out where each of your strengths lie & divide all the tasks accordingly?

I'd be annoyed too, but I wouldn't give a faffy task to someone who messes up so much.
It's not difficult to set up, but you do have to read everything and make sure your own money is paid in and settled before you pay the childcare provider.
Maybe he should stick to washing up...

He’s the type of man who would—out of necessity—figure out how to get things handled if was suddenly single. He has you as his safety net, so why worry?

It always fascinates me how many men can hold down decent jobs that require various levels of higher order thinking who are completely incompetent when it comes to anything “domestic”. Basically they are saying “this stuff is beneath me so I don’t need to pay it attention”. I would also be raging if I were you OP.

That probably wouldn't be the worry, they would draft in a 2.0 version of you within a year. The more pertinent question is how would the DC deal with you being replaced?

No shit, Sherlock. 🙄