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Original poster

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

479 replies

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:42

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
1993GoToo · 03/08/2023 00:14

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:10

FH calm down love. Not everyone thinks the same and their logic is different- hence why we aren't robots. Let's hope you aren't a manger with your empathy skills.

Show quote history

"calm down love" eh?? 🤔

@TomatoSandwiches seems perfectly calm in her post

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:17

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DW isn’t lazy, she pulls her weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, her point being I don’t let her do anything because when she does do it she fucks it up. But every time I do she just messes it up - she forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed her instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. She's been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because she had given the nursery our tax free code. She couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at her.

I guarantee if this was written people would be calling you a narcissistic bastard and maybe shes ND.

This isn't aimed at you OP, I would be frustrated and gutted to lose 2k but some of the PPs are bloodthirsty for a man's blood.

I'm off before people get their pitchforks...

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2023 00:19

I would be livid too. I don’t know what to suggest. There would have been some screaming you have the absolute nerve to complain I don’t let you do anything and then this!! You fuck everything up! At least I can hope the kids grow up and become competent adults!!

then if he was able to take that on the chin AND you can look at him again, sit and think. What practical things can you hand over? He might have to do more cooking, school runs, washing, things that obviously need going to free you up to do the mental load. We do a bit of that, I do more if the mental load so I’ve made sure Dh does more of the morning sport ferrying, shopping etc. (only I make it very clear he has to do some of the mental load, not sure you can trust your dimwit husband)
Thinking about the condescending attitude when you questioned him would send my blood pressure to the stratosphere. Maybe this is it for your marriage though, it would be hard to respect him.

ProperChocolate · 03/08/2023 00:20

Does anyone else worry about being run over because the thought of their incompetent ‘d’h running the house makes them break out in a cold sweat???

Yep. But have also wished, when the children were toddlers, that I could fall downstairs and break a leg or an ankle. Nothing long term debilitating obviously. Just a simple uncomplicated break that meant I could stay in bed for a week or so. I honestly genuinely wished this, a tiny bit. Even erstwhile knowing everything would prob go to shit if it happened. But also knowing it could 'actually' happen. So what would happen then? It didn't so I'll never know. Shame.

Pallisers · 03/08/2023 00:20

would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

He HAD heard of paying nursery fees this way. his wife told him.

If you heard this and it was relevant to you and you could save 2K would you research it so you can figure it out or sit there and say "well I can't do this because no one has actually told me how to do it and I have no idea"

If it is the latter, then god help you.

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2023 00:22

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/08/2023 23:58

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

If you have indeed sat down with him and talked it through/ showed him and checked the first few times then yeah I would shoot him....

I do all life admin and if I was passing it over to DH, I would be OTT because its not that he's incompetent, we all have our way of doing things but I think of it as he's an apprentice.

Neither had I heard of it, before I bloody well looked it up and did it. Like an adult. Nobody held my hand through it.

Pallisers · 03/08/2023 00:22

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:17

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DW isn’t lazy, she pulls her weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, her point being I don’t let her do anything because when she does do it she fucks it up. But every time I do she just messes it up - she forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed her instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. She's been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because she had given the nursery our tax free code. She couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at her.

I guarantee if this was written people would be calling you a narcissistic bastard and maybe shes ND.

This isn't aimed at you OP, I would be frustrated and gutted to lose 2k but some of the PPs are bloodthirsty for a man's blood.

I'm off before people get their pitchforks...

I can guarantee they wouldn't. There would be a few anti-man posts because there always are but most people wouldn't care what sex anyone was because this situation sucks.

Also a fair few people would guess that it is a deliberate attempt to swap sexes of the people involved because most women simply don't get away with being that strategically incompetent.

KomodoDodo · 03/08/2023 00:23

Sounds like my ex. After decades of living with his (i believe deliberate) incompetence I left him. It just killed any respect or desire I had for him.

sandyhappypeople · 03/08/2023 00:23

Not to shift blame at all, but didn't the nursery notice that he'd informed them of the tax free account, but failed to make any payments from it?

I wonder if they would have mentioned it to him? or maybe they're getting their money anyway so wouldn't bother about where it came from.

Did you not notice where the payments were going in all that time? Surely paying direct to the nursery will look different on a bank statement than going into the tax free account?

I think he's obvious useless but I'm a covert micromanager, I'd have had a compulsion to slyly check it was all legit, especially seeing as you don't trust him not to fuck things up in the first place.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/08/2023 00:24

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:17

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DW isn’t lazy, she pulls her weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, her point being I don’t let her do anything because when she does do it she fucks it up. But every time I do she just messes it up - she forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed her instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. She's been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because she had given the nursery our tax free code. She couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at her.

I guarantee if this was written people would be calling you a narcissistic bastard and maybe shes ND.

This isn't aimed at you OP, I would be frustrated and gutted to lose 2k but some of the PPs are bloodthirsty for a man's blood.

I'm off before people get their pitchforks...

Firstly I assure you I am very calm, almost nodding of infact ( thank you for the concern ), secondly I find incompetence unattractive in both sexes.
This has nothing to do with it being a man, I'm unsure as to why you've come to this conclusion, 2K is a lot of money to willingly give away because you can't be bothered to do a job right.

DreamItDoIt · 03/08/2023 00:28

Bet he never makes mistakes like this at work. Bet he doesn't need to be shown every minutae detail at work. Bet he doesn't just do the obvious tasks at work.

You get my drift.

Lazy and incompetent but seems to affect many men when it comes to home/family tasks.

smooththecat · 03/08/2023 00:29

Circumferences · 02/08/2023 23:50

It sounds like you do not respect him one bit

Let’s hope you’ve got a thick one, circumferences, as you haven’t much else going for you.

londonmummy1966 · 03/08/2023 00:31

Suggest that the consequence of fucking up is 2000 days of no sex......

BatheInTheLight · 03/08/2023 00:33

Dallasdays · 03/08/2023 00:05

This is why I love being a single parent and in control of all admin, without having the resentment of constantly being let down by incompetent men.

We aren't all like this! I look after most things other than getting the children to do their homework as it stresses me out! 🤣

I'll also take the initiative to bleach toilets, change bedding, write shopping lists and go and get the food, book dentist appointments, apply for things we are entitled to, etc. I'd hate to feel like a burden who had to be micromanaged by my wife.

ThreeLocusts · 03/08/2023 00:35

Solidarity OP. My DH is good with money, but ask him to chop an onion and he'll be asking you questions for the next 10 minutes. Dreary.

You have every right to be livid but I doubt that all the talk of divorce here is much good to you. It's OK to not divorce an accident-prone husband if you don't want to.

But it does sound like something has to change or else you may want to one day. Hope you can sort it out.

DrunkenHandstand · 03/08/2023 00:35

Yes I’d be pissed off. I couldn’t cope with being with someone like him tbh, I need a partner I can rely on to just do the stuff that needs doing. Properly.

femfemlicious · 03/08/2023 00:38

Oh dear...I feel this is a mistake I could possibly have made. Is he careless on purpose or he just isn't able to do things to your Standards
This is the man you married and you may have to find a way to accept him as he is. Maybe counselling?. Maybe he should do more house work to make up for it?.

femfemlicious · 03/08/2023 00:42

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:17

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DW isn’t lazy, she pulls her weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, her point being I don’t let her do anything because when she does do it she fucks it up. But every time I do she just messes it up - she forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed her instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. She's been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because she had given the nursery our tax free code. She couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at her.

I guarantee if this was written people would be calling you a narcissistic bastard and maybe shes ND.

This isn't aimed at you OP, I would be frustrated and gutted to lose 2k but some of the PPs are bloodthirsty for a man's blood.

I'm off before people get their pitchforks...

🤣🤣🤣 at the pitch forks...sometimes I'm actually scared I will be found by my IP address when I've posted something contrary to the common ideals on here

Winterscomingagain · 03/08/2023 00:45

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 00:05

Does anyone else worry about being run over because the thought of their incompetent ‘d’h running the house makes them break out in a cold sweat???

My children are grown up now but I felt such shame recently when my daughter explained how, as a child, she had to guide her father in writing a simple note to the school, how he left her looking after the other 2 children and swore her to secrecy.Incompetency from a parent really does have implications.

PermanentTemporary · 03/08/2023 00:47

I'm 'naturally' very disorganised but I did learn to get better because it fucked up dh and ds's lives to have me be useless. I cared, in other words.

The most useless thing I did actually mainly affected me - I forgot to make a life insurance payment on a policy that dh had taken out 20 years before. He gave me the job of keeping up bills and payments while I was full time at home and I dropped the ball.

Dh was really high risk and the company grabbed the opportunity to cancel the policy. We spent a year searching for another insurer but never found one.

And then he died. And I was something like £100,000 worse off as a result.

I didn't know how high risk he really was when I made that mistake. But I did learn to some extent. My life is full of to do lists and calendar reminders. I direct debit everything. I say 'I'm sorry I don't understand, can I write notes on this?' a lot.

Show him how fed up and angry you are. Talk it through. Then at some point you have to give him some sort of chance to prove some learning. Or you break up. And the fact is, people make mistakes, really bad ones. Everybody does.

ArcaneWireless · 03/08/2023 00:48

@smooththecat

You have made my night. 🤣

Loving and appreciating your work.

Clymene · 03/08/2023 00:54

It's a fucking miracle that men run the world when they can't even be trusted to do one simple thing isn't it? Baffling.

WholeHog · 03/08/2023 00:54

I'd be fuming too, but possibly saving some of that rage with the government for creating a demanding and complex process for something so simple. It's like they want people to miss out on the money they're entitled to. I wonder if they make us transfer money through their accounts just so they can get the interest and occasional random bits of leftover money if someone messes up calculations.

I'd probably have asked for all the figures inc govt contribution for the first couple of months and then noticed if things deviated, but I guess that's the kind of mental load you'd hoped to avoid which is fair enough.

blueshoes · 03/08/2023 00:56

DrunkenHandstand · 03/08/2023 00:35

Yes I’d be pissed off. I couldn’t cope with being with someone like him tbh, I need a partner I can rely on to just do the stuff that needs doing. Properly.

This.

Face with such incompetence, my gonads would shrivel up and I would get the ick. If I knew this before I married him, I would never had married this man.

I would have zero respect for him. If this is not an isolated incident but continuing disaster, mentally and emotionally I would be better off freed of this yoke. Doing everything by yourself would be more calm than managing this poor excuse for an adult.

sheworemellowyellow · 03/08/2023 00:56

This isn’t the end of it, though. Unfortunately, you’re married to a child. So, you now need to ask him how he’s going to fix this. Is he going to make good the short fall through overtime or whatever? Is he going to forego a holiday so make up the gap in the household budget? Use his holiday for childcare so you can save on nursery fees?

If you’re always there to pick up the pieces, he won’t work. If he doesn’t mind picking up the pieces, you’ve got nothing to worry about - leave him to his mistakes.

It’s depressing as hell that you’re married to someone you can’t help but think little of. Major ick.