Strangers (men) saying hello

[magicalkitty]

When I am out walking alone (which I do quite a bit) I usually avoid eye contact with others, especially men. I find some men try and talk with you if you meet their eyes. I have been told to smile, had comments about my glasses and clothes from complete strangers (and yes always seems to be men who make these comments). In the past when I have tried to be polite I have ended up in awkward situations with these men who seem to be trying to flirt with total strangers. So if they say 'hello' I ignore.

It's quite common for dog walkers and elderly people to say 'hello' when we walk past each other and that seems normal and more acceptable somehow.

But a few days ago, I walked past a man around 45 who was by his car, not looking in his direction, and he said hello to me. I completely ignored his and kept walking. He then said hello again but again I ignored.

AIBU to think it's odd for men to do this? Or am I being overly precious/rude and saying 'hello' to strangers while walking is just polite?

I have a family member who says 'hello' to every woman they walk past, and I tried to tell him this could be a bit unnerving for some lone women. He didn't understand what I'm talking about.

I used to get told to smile by men a lot was I was much younger. It's so annoying and patronising isn't it? It's like they think young women are such air heads that they are not affected by things going on in their lives.

I live somewhere small and friendly now. Where people do say hello(not just men). I’m from a city where eye contact with strangers is not the done thing. My middle ground is a cheery morning or afternoon.

I would agree with this analysis. I have dogs who attract attention because they are friendly. I chat to lots of random walkers when I am out with them. But a man calling after you to get attention - just no.

Lots of people say 'hello' where I live, some I know and some I don't - the former because it's a small area and lots of us know each other (even just to say 'hello') and the latter because it's also a tourist location. TBH, sometimes I am just out on a walk, doing my thing, listening to music or a podcast and I actually feel like it's an intrusion when someone I don't know almost forces a hello on me - for fear of looking like a moody/rude person, and not just someone minding their own business, I (mostly) say hello back. I would find lots of random folk saying 'hello' a bit odd in a more built up/city environment though, and I rarely got it in these areas (except in one Scottish city, where bus stop queues are social hotspots - if you've lived there you will know where I mean!).

In the suburbs/ countryside/ villages I run through, a hello/ morning is pretty standard. In town, not so much.
The greeting is done fairly evenly by either sex.

Dicks don't tend to waste their breath on a standard greeting and launch straight in with whatever inane thought is on their mind. The couple of men who have triggered a get-away-fast instinct said nothing at all.

That said, I do have a huge keyring with a retractable blade about three inches long. It's almost certainly illegal but you'd never find it if you didn't know - even bouncers who've searched me haven't clocked it

I also trained kali (amongst other martial arts) for years and am pretty good with knives. I've done hours upon hours of suited up full speed sparring and I'm fairly confident I could cut most attacking men to shreds if it came to it. Certainly enough to get away

I'm really not a psycho though lol

Dear not psycho,
Sadly any woman being physically strong,trained and tooled up won't prevent rape, murder or sexual assault from happening as it rarely is a battle of strength

suggesting "it won't happen to me cos I'm soooo hard" is offensive to those who have survived attacks ,

we were not "weak" it was not our fault for being "un prepared"

If I was you I would clamp my phone to my ear and have a conversation . And not look at the man.
also if I wanted to avoid comment would have ugly hat on or similar.
I know that women should be free to do whatever blah blah blah but if you want not to receive acknowledgement or smarmy friendliness you can do something about it.

This isn't usual where I live, but smiling at people as you pass them is standard. I think "hello" or "good morning" if out on a walk is also standard, less usual in my town.

It all depends on the context. Man passes woman or person passes person on street, brief eye contact, friendly smile or nod hello- perfectly normal pleasant and non threatening. Woman passes stationary man who is watching her as she passes and says hello with the clear intent of getting a reaction/ flirt/intimidate feels intimidating, threatening, intrusive and unwelcome. 2 adults nodding a hello and a smile is in my opinion a very normal and healthy interaction. The second scenario is a power play and is misogonistic but there is nuonce at play.

Sometimes I’m with him, sometimes I’m not. I don’t always say hello because I’m more introverted than he is.

I’m not paranoid, so yes I do walk alone and no I don’t have a problem with people speaking to me.

Are you seriously trying to equate cat calling to saying hello? What is wrong with you?

Where I live it’s very common especially in the morning for people to say morning or hello. Along the canal or in countryside near here it’s close to 100%. But I do know what you mean, the ones that don’t just say hello they are often attempting to make an actual contact and engage and it doesn’t have to a be a cat call to make a lone woman uncomfortable.

Fuck knows. He came up behind me, put his hands on my waist and made some payronising comment about me having my hands full(I had 2 small well behaved dogs on leads). It was pretty busy where I was at that point so I didn't feel threatened but I was a bit shook at the audacity of him to feel like he could just come up and touch me like that.

I often get a patronising you've got your hands full from men when I'm walking the dogs, never when I'm with dh and he has never had it when walking them alone.

True. Mum (85, very typical of her generation) went into town this week and was telling me about her conversations with people. I’m pleased the area is so friendly, she’s just moved and using a new bus route, so wanted to check the route.

I say hello to people on dog walks, but otherwise wouldn’t if just passing by.

I walk every day and usually smile/say hello to people I pass. Most do the same back. I’d find it a bit odd if someone deliberately ignored me, tbh.

If it upsets people so much wear a badge that says 'do not speak to me'

No thanks. The default should be for men to leave women alone. Imagine that. How is it that me just getting on with my day, bothering no one, is rude?

You could be the one to wear a badge that says ‘speak to me’.

🤪

It's always in situations where it's quiet, so it happens to me on river footpaths, woods and a roads.
It feels a bit awkward to pass without saying hello sometimes, maybe because it's so quiet?
It's funny that once you get to a main road it all stops 😆
Sometimes it feels like the man is saying it to reassure me that he's not some creepy weirdo.

I don't understand the young thing though, older people do it to other older people too

Actually in my yorkshire village people say it on the main road too but only if they have a dog with them, I don't have my dog though. Etiquette is funny!

Yes there is a clear difference

I’m a born and bred Londoner and most of us would do anything to avoid eye contact and communication with random strangers.

That's just the way it is in big cities. Even though I now live in a commuter town, it’s pretty much same here.

You might want to live in a world where people don't speak to others but don't presume to think you can speak for those of us who prefer to live in a friendly world.

Unless I'm walking down a busy high street where it is not possible I (female) say hello to people. I consider it as courtesy. Every man who says hello to oyu is not trying to chat you up.

In contrast, I'm more wary in a dead quiet place where there is nobody else about.

Where I am most people tend to say hello in passing but I am a bit like you OP where I generally avoid eye contact but will glance and smile, I'll say hi back if they do. I'm bit introverted.

I do the same for women too and wouldn't say hello or strike up a conversation unless they initiated that as I find that odd, and would assume they would think I'm a creep.

If I'm say walking behind a woman where there's nobody else around or it's late at night and we're going to cross paths, I generally cross over so doesn't have to worry.

Maybe that's overkill I dunno but I've picked up the feeling sometimes in the past some women have got a bit antsy and are on alert so I just show I'm giving them space.

Where I live, and where I have lived previously, it is usual to say hello when you walk past someone or cross paths with them in some way. I can't imagine avoiding eye contact and refusing to answer them. I don't see it as flirting at all. I say hello to anyone unless I'm on a very busy shopping street.

Well if someone says hello its pretty rude to ignore it tbh. I would probably also give you a look or a louder more aggressive hello 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I’m walking my dogs in the village I live in them yes I would usually say a “morning” “hello” type greeting as we pass with the dogs.

If I’m out walking on my own I tend to avoid eye contact with men yes, if someone greets me I will either do a brief nod / smile gesture or i will just ignore them depending who it is.

you don’t owe anyone a smile or a greeting or a conversation. But I do agree, you also don’t want to walk around completely ignoring every person you don’t know, connection to our environment is important and it feels nice to have a brief chat with another dog walker or whatever.

Just the difficulty of being a woman I guess. I don’t expect the vast majority of men have ever faced the quandary of keeping safe whilst also not wanting to live in complete isolation from “strangers”