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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deciding they should be called 'Aunty'

109 replies

Newmum738 · 01/08/2023 22:35

My brother currently has a gf who he has been with for a few years now. He is twice divorced and there have been many gfs over the years.

The current gf decided when my ds was born that she should be called 'Aunty' which has irritated me from the beginning because I hardly even know her and they are not married.

My Dad died recently and my brother has been a real let down and she hasn't done anything to help so I'm especially rebelling against her decision for my son to call her Aunty.

YABU - it's up to her what she should be called
YANBU - it's up to the parent to decide who has the honour of being called Aunty unless they are actually an Aunty!!!

OP posts:
MrsRachelDanvers · 02/08/2023 09:12

EBearhug · 02/08/2023 00:02

I had friends who wanted their kids to call me aunty - we were quite close, I spent Christmas with them and stuff. I said I'd rather just be Emma. (In my own family, we just used people's names, not aunt or uncle.) They said aunty was respectful. I said addressing me by my preference was respectful. We never really agreed on it...

And now I have typed it do much, aunt is a really odd word...

I’m with you-I loathe the title anyway, let alone being referred to Aunty if not related. Just call me by my name. But if she likes to be referred to as Aunty, is it really a big problem. How would you like your 4 year old to address her?

Qwerty21 · 02/08/2023 09:18

If your son is 4 she's clearly been in your Life 4 years at a minimum. She doesn't need to be married in to be an aunt. It's about respect as well imo.

SpringIntoChaos · 02/08/2023 09:28

Your family dynamics sound a little 'off' OP...like you don't actually like each other very much? Or maybe have some weird ideas about what 'family' means? I can't put my finger in it exactly, but it's all a little sad. I feel for this 'Aunty' who clearly is an Aunty by most family standards...she's in a long term relationship with your brother (they might never get married...but that wouldn't make her any less deserving of the 'Aunty' label surely?) And as for your mum/brother's step-mum who apparently has never been called Nana by any of her grandchildren/step-grandchildren...as someone else has already pointed out...this is just bizarre! I'm sure there will be some drip feed as to why on its way...but surely you can see just from this that it's you/your family that might have issues with familial titles?

Hiddenmnetter · 02/08/2023 09:30

My wife has Chinese heritage, so by default everyone in a position of familial authority is aunty or uncle- family friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. It’s an honorific that just imparts a sense of “this is someone I have to listen to” for the kids. At big family events that makes life easier. My BIL recently married his long term girlfriend, but she had been “aunty” since a few weeks after dating cause at family events the kids had to know if she told them to stop or to do something they should listen.

I mean, outside of that specific cultural milieux it could be an issue, but if she might find herself having to look after/engage with kids, being someone they expect to have to listen to is no bad thing.

jays · 02/08/2023 09:32

If he’s already been divorced twice I don’t think being married has much bearing on whether or not someone is called auntie, does that mean if they got divorced the title would be revoked or if dc was old enough technically they’d be on their third auntie? It boils down to the fact you just don’t like her, which is fair enough!

Laurama91 · 02/08/2023 12:11

YukoandHiro · 02/08/2023 09:04

" My mum is my brother's stepmum and none of the 20 grandchildren and great-grandchildren have ever called her Nana."

That's actually just cruel. Why ever not?

I'm not sure you should call something cruel until you know the situation. As mentioned my dads partner isn't grandma. She has never been a mother to us and actively leaves the room when we enter..... that's cruel. Not allowing her to have the title grandma is not.

Pineapples198 · 02/08/2023 20:39

YABU. An auntie is the child’s uncle’s partner. I mean TECHNICALLY this is if they are married. But it’s so common not to be married anymore. My husband’s brother has a long term girlfriend and they have a child together. The girlfriend is “Auntie” first name, because she is in a relationship with my kids uncle, she is their auntie. When I was growing up my uncle had a long term girlfriend again not married. She was auntie first name too. It seems like you don’t like her or don’t like your brother’s life choices. It’s harmless. If you don’t want to call her that then don’t.

TroysMammy · 02/08/2023 20:49

I've been with my partner for 9 years and my niece when she was 4 asked him if she could call him uncle, he nearly cried. She doesn't call him uncle but buys him birthday cards with uncle on it and refers to him as my uncle when speaking to others outside our small family. He is her only uncle and I'm her only auntie.

MinnieTruck · 02/08/2023 20:50

VivienneDelacroix · 01/08/2023 23:43

You dont know her well enough for your son to call her "aunty" but you do know her well enough to expect her to play a role in a close family bereavement? One is definitely more intimate to me, and it's not the use if the word "aunty".

That part!

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 02/08/2023 21:19

You don’t think they’ve supported you but you call his gf of over four years his current gf and talk as if they’re not serious about each other.

IamWaldo · 02/08/2023 22:44

I kind of get this. My MIL’s partner appointed himself Grandpa for my child and I was really unhappy. They had not been together all that long, he had never been a father/stepfather to my DH, and I didn’t like him. My own father found it hurtful too as he felt this equated the two of them in their relationship to my child. I just made a point of always calling him by his name to my child instead of Grandpa and he did get the point eventually and stopped. While I probably wouldn’t get as wound up over ‘Aunty’ I do understand and suggest you just don’t use the term yourself. Your child will follow suit.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/08/2023 22:59

I think your brother's long term partner, who has known your dc since birth, is clearly an aunty.

Don't use this as a petty way of expressing your displeasure over other issues.

RightOnTheEdge · 02/08/2023 23:20

YANBU OP.
if you feel uncomfortable then just call her by her name and your son will do the same.
She's not his aunt they don't even live together.

LightDrizzle · 02/08/2023 23:27

Was your dad who sadly died not also your brother’s father? How has your brother really let you down and why is his girlfriend paying the price?

5foot5 · 02/08/2023 23:35

When I was a child I was encouraged to call quite a lot of adults who I wasn't related to Auntie or Uncle. I think it was because it wasn't considered polite for small children to call an adult by just their first name.

Most adults would be addressed as Mr. or Mrs. X. But if they were friends of the family then the Auntie or Uncle prefix was used.

Just to confuse things I did have many genuine aunts and uncles and also sone grown up cousins almost the same age as my parents. These grown up cousins had to be called Auntie or Uncle too!

It took me years to work out who I was and wasn't related to and how.

Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 07:58

5foot5 · 02/08/2023 23:35

When I was a child I was encouraged to call quite a lot of adults who I wasn't related to Auntie or Uncle. I think it was because it wasn't considered polite for small children to call an adult by just their first name.

Most adults would be addressed as Mr. or Mrs. X. But if they were friends of the family then the Auntie or Uncle prefix was used.

Just to confuse things I did have many genuine aunts and uncles and also sone grown up cousins almost the same age as my parents. These grown up cousins had to be called Auntie or Uncle too!

It took me years to work out who I was and wasn't related to and how.

But your parents decided who had that honour, right?

I'm not querying the fact that some people who are not Aunties & Uncles may have the honour of the title. I'm encouraging 'Aunty' for one of DS's cousins because she is his godmother and we use it for some friends too.

My question is who gets to decide. Is it the parents or should other adults be able to decide for themselves?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 07:59

IamWaldo · 02/08/2023 22:44

I kind of get this. My MIL’s partner appointed himself Grandpa for my child and I was really unhappy. They had not been together all that long, he had never been a father/stepfather to my DH, and I didn’t like him. My own father found it hurtful too as he felt this equated the two of them in their relationship to my child. I just made a point of always calling him by his name to my child instead of Grandpa and he did get the point eventually and stopped. While I probably wouldn’t get as wound up over ‘Aunty’ I do understand and suggest you just don’t use the term yourself. Your child will follow suit.

Completely this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 08:00

TroysMammy · 02/08/2023 20:49

I've been with my partner for 9 years and my niece when she was 4 asked him if she could call him uncle, he nearly cried. She doesn't call him uncle but buys him birthday cards with uncle on it and refers to him as my uncle when speaking to others outside our small family. He is her only uncle and I'm her only auntie.

❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 08:01

YukoandHiro · 02/08/2023 09:04

" My mum is my brother's stepmum and none of the 20 grandchildren and great-grandchildren have ever called her Nana."

That's actually just cruel. Why ever not?

Probably for the reason that it is cruel! It's a very difficult family situation and now our Dad isn't here, it's a total mess.

OP posts:
LadyPenelope68 · 04/08/2023 08:01

You’re clearly being petty just because you don’t like her. You’re making an issue out of nothing.

Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 08:06

Thanks for all your comments, I can see there is some agreement on the general point. But the specific situation not so much! Thankfully, I'm starting bereavement counselling today so my current feelings will be explored!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum738 · 04/08/2023 08:07

@LadyPenelope68 that is a bit unfair given the context and not the point of the question!

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 04/08/2023 08:09

I don’t know. I don’t see it as a big deal. I’m Aunty Neutral to loads of kids I’m not related to and my kids have loads of unrelated aunties too. We’re a close bunch of friends and we’re northern so maybe it’s cultural.
When I was a kid we called our playgroup leaders Aunty Jane and Aunty Sarah too.

LaMarschallin · 04/08/2023 08:12

Sorry if I'm repeating anyone (I've only read the first couple of pages and all the OP's posts), but I didn't realise that being called "Auntie" was such an "honour".
I was taught to call quite a lot of my parents' friends "Auntie/Uncle " when I was a child, but that was more because it didn't feel polite to call an adult by their 1st name and Mrs/Mr X was a bit formal with someone you saw quite frequently.
Funnily enough, in my family it's almost more of an "honour" not to use "Auntie/Uncle", because you are seen as grownup enough to use first names.
Everyone is aware who are biological or "official" aunts or uncles.
I think I lean to letting a person decide what they want to be called (as long as it's not something ridiculous like "My second mummy" or something).

Susuwatariandkodama · 04/08/2023 08:18

In my husbands culture everyone is uncle and aunty but for me growing up, once I reached my teen years I called all my relatives other than my grandparents by their name so it depends on your own upbringing, if you aren’t comfortable with it then just refer to her by her name, it’s your choice, not hers.