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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deciding they should be called 'Aunty'

109 replies

Newmum738 · 01/08/2023 22:35

My brother currently has a gf who he has been with for a few years now. He is twice divorced and there have been many gfs over the years.

The current gf decided when my ds was born that she should be called 'Aunty' which has irritated me from the beginning because I hardly even know her and they are not married.

My Dad died recently and my brother has been a real let down and she hasn't done anything to help so I'm especially rebelling against her decision for my son to call her Aunty.

YABU - it's up to her what she should be called
YANBU - it's up to the parent to decide who has the honour of being called Aunty unless they are actually an Aunty!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum738 · 02/08/2023 07:19

@Laurama91 yes! My mum is my brother's stepmum and none of the 20 grandchildren and great-grandchildren have ever called her Nana.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 02/08/2023 07:19

My Dds call dhs nephew uncle which Is fine there was no harm in it but there was a parade of gfs and fiancé's and one or two who thought she would be Aunty I used to just call them by name and dds did the same, it is irritating but just let if go over your head and refer to her by her first name every time.

Riapia · 02/08/2023 07:28

It neither picks your pocket nor breaks your leg.

User452023 · 02/08/2023 07:29

In some cultures to call someone 'aunty' is just a form of respect where the child recognises that being younger it would be disrespectful for the child to call the adult by their first name so they call them aunty indtead.

Because your brother and his OH are not legally married your not comfortable with calling his OH aunty.

Just tell them why your not comfortable with it I suppose.

BlastedIce · 02/08/2023 07:34

Address the real issues, being called aunty is not one of them.

how often do you even see these people?

CecilyP · 02/08/2023 07:43

HedgesNotFences · 01/08/2023 22:56

I always referred to myself parents close friends as Aunty. It’s definitely a cultural thing.

Not really; I think we all did that in the 60s when I was a child. So an uncle’s girlfriend would automatically have been auntie even if they’d been dating for a week! Otherwise it was Miss whatever.

If your DS calls your brother Uncle, I guess she is definitely auntie.

Glockamorra · 02/08/2023 07:51

Why would marriage make the slightest difference to what your young child calls your brother’s girlfriend of several years? Or, for that matter, whether your brother was supportive after your father died?

CateringPanic · 02/08/2023 07:51

How long have they been together and do they live together?

My then boyfriend, became “uncle” to my niece as soon as she was born. But we did live together and had been together 2.5years.

My friend who literally just moved in with her partner this week got “promoted” to auntie on this basis.

My brother is moving in with his gf soon and my SIL is intending to “upgrade” her when this happens

Toomuchrubbishonnetflix · 02/08/2023 07:53

I’m with you OP. I hate it. My brother has had similar relationship history (2 ex wives, loads of other girlfriends) and I won’t entertain my children calling the current one Aunty. She’s not an aunt, she’s their uncle’s current girlfriend.

Natsku · 02/08/2023 07:53

All adults are aunties or uncles for my children (whether family, friends or strangers), unless they're old enough to be called grandmas or grandads, so this would be a non-issue for me but clearly this is something you feel strongly about. I suppose you have to think how big a deal it is, is it such a problem that your son calls someone an aunty for a bit before she disappears from his life? If it is, then say no.

Honeyandwine · 02/08/2023 07:58

My children call my brother's gf aunty. Doesn't bother me. Also calls my close friends aunty.

JanglyBeads · 02/08/2023 08:07

I agree OP. As others have said, Aunty implies 'around for life, unbreakable bond and commitment'.

If they had lived together a while, I think that would be different.

From a safeguarding pov, how much influence and access do you want to imply...

I know it's different in different cultures and tie periods though.

RoseMartha · 02/08/2023 08:25

I am an aunty to my sisters children. I always get called by my first name. But they will give me an aunty greetings card. Calling me by my first name doesn't bother me at all.

But growing up the next door neighbours were aunty and uncle. I knew they werent. I had second cousins we called Aunty and Uncle. It didnt bother me and I knew the difference from a young age.

Pick your battles. I can see you are very resentful about this and hurt by past situations. I would try and let it go. And just go with the Aunty name on a non Aunty.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2023 08:28

I think you need to focus on the actual issue, not on a prefix to a name for someone you don't intend for him to see very often

WimpoleHat · 02/08/2023 08:32

Agree with @EllaMenopee - your DS will take the lead from you. So if you call/refer to her as “Jane”, so will your DS. No need for a big to-do/family upset about it. She probably means well, when all is said and done.

inappropriateraspberry · 02/08/2023 08:37

It's nothing to do with being married or not. They are in a serious long term relationship so therefore she is an Aunty. Mine and my DH have siblings who are not married to their partners. They are still an Aunt or Uncle.
It's not a big deal and you're overthinking it.

Mamai90 · 02/08/2023 08:41

Not something to get worked up about. Some of my friends kids call me auntie and I barely know them.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 02/08/2023 08:50

As a child I had 'Aunties' who were no relation. In the '90's my children called their actual aunts by their first names without the 'Aunty' label. I expect my granddaughter to call her aunts and uncles just by name as well (once she's old enough to talk). Insisting on 'Aunty' seems very dated to me.

polkadotdalmation · 02/08/2023 08:50

Tell him to call her by her name, and if she corrects him and he calls her aunty, so be it. Not worth getting wound up about.

KrisAkabusi · 02/08/2023 08:54

Requiring someone to be married to be deserving if a name is incredibly old fashioned! They've been together for years, she's clearly his partner. Yabu.

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/08/2023 08:59

Address the actual issues you have with them - ie him not helping out after your dad died rather than focusing on this minor side irritant.

Silly thing to cause a fuss over. Especially as she's been his partner for a few years. Focusing on this makes you look like a knob.

Riri24 · 02/08/2023 08:59

My kids call my best friends auntie. They also call my brothers long term partner auntie (not married and wont be but i think of her the same as my other brothers wife!) I was with my H for 12 years before we got married and I don't think being unmarried made me any less important or part of the family then!

stealthninjamum · 02/08/2023 08:59

Op I’m sorry for your loss. Have you been able to speak to your brother and his girlfriend about how they’ve let you down. Some people are terrible in grief situations- she may be one of them- so it might be good to have a conversation about that.

I think, as hurt as you are, you shouldn’t do something that may be awkward for your son. If he stops calling her aunty and she asks why how would he / you answer?

TheBirdintheCave · 02/08/2023 09:01

My uncle was with a lady for about ten years before they married but she was always just known as Firstname to me and my brother. They got married in 2019 and from then on we called her Auntie Firstname.

YukoandHiro · 02/08/2023 09:04

" My mum is my brother's stepmum and none of the 20 grandchildren and great-grandchildren have ever called her Nana."

That's actually just cruel. Why ever not?

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