Deciding they should be called 'Aunty'

[Newmum738]

My brother currently has a gf who he has been with for a few years now. He is twice divorced and there have been many gfs over the years.

The current gf decided when my ds was born that she should be called 'Aunty' which has irritated me from the beginning because I hardly even know her and they are not married.

My Dad died recently and my brother has been a real let down and she hasn't done anything to help so I'm especially rebelling against her decision for my son to call her Aunty.

YABU - it's up to her what she should be called
YANBU - it's up to the parent to decide who has the honour of being called Aunty unless they are actually an Aunty!!!

Is aunty a cultural word for you? I mean, my niblings just call me by name and no need to add any aunty or uncle prefix. But I wouldn't make this an issue.

We leave naming of adults up to what the children want we have relatives called auntie/uncle/cousin who are not technically related and made up names as the children when they were young couldn't pronounce

I think parents demanding who gets called what is a little precious but I also don't this if we can the stick the 'cultural' label on it then it is all ok either

I see what you mean OP. To me, Auntie infers a close relationship. Just refer to her first name and your child will like follow your lead.

Likely*

In my family, pretty much all adults known to us when we were little were called Auntie or Uncle, whether they were related to us or not. I still call some of my mum and dad’s friends Auntie and Uncle, and I’m 47!

So I honestly wouldn’t give a shit about a sibling’s partner being called Auntie. It just isn’t a big deal to me at all.

Please don't bring your son into a family dispute. If you are disappointed in your brother and dislike his partner, just deal with it yourself. Your son will not thank you for enmeshing him in your own petty family issues. You call her what you want, and let her interact with your son in whichever way as long as it is a loving way. You know, children never have too many people who love them, even when you don't like some of them.

If they are hardly ever around then what does it matter what she refers to herself as or wants your kids to call her - they're not going to, she's never there!

Ignore it, because kicking up a fuss about it gives more traction for drama - doing nothing is far far easier.

Agree with this. Growing up in the 80s, my parents didn’t think it was respectful to call an adult by their first name alone. So lots of my parents family friends are uncle / aunty. Now my DC do the same with my friends - so they have lots of “aunties” even though some they see quite infrequently, I have taken on the view of my parents and just don’t see it as polite for a child to call an adult by their first name, so personally it wouldn’t be a big deal for me and doesn’t really hold a lot of importance.

I don't think it matters whether they are married or not. If she's his long term partner she is "auntie"

Surely your brother’s long term partner would be your children’s Aunt? Is it because you think they’ll break up? Just because he’s been married and divorced before it’s not then fair to treat any partner- no matter how many years in - as a temporary fixture.

She'd be an Aunty in my family, by being in a long and serious relationship with the children's Uncle.

Direct your anger about the bereavement issues to your brother as I am not sure that it is her place to step into this really. I'd see her role as supporting her dp through it and taking his lead.

They are together since your child was born, 4 years ago. It's a long term relationship and I would consider her a aunt at this stage.

But, its a silly thing to get worked up over.

As someone brought up calling relatives Aunty and Uncle who were in fact cousins, my dad was the youngest of a large family, I refused to use Aunty and Uncle for anyone other than our siblings. It took me ages to detangle my family structure on his side as an adult!

I can see your point OP. They may have been together a few years now, but if you don't know her well, aren't in much contact and she is not really involved with your family/child, then why would anyone be calling her aunty? Your child will have an "aunt" he rarely sees who doesn't engage with him, what's the point. Just tell your brother you don't feel the title Aunty is appropriate given the above and that you won't be using it.

How have they hurt you?

Surely if you expected anything from her regarding your fathers passing, then she is close enough to be an auntie?

Have people missed the part where OPs dad has died recently? Grief does weird things to people and feeling let down by her brother, perhaps not wanting her ds to call her brothers gf Aunty is partly because she's grieving a loss and because she feels hurt and let down.

Don't refer to her as aunty just call her by her name to your ds he'll pick that up.

Neither of the options you offer.
She doesn't get called 'auntie' because she isn't his aunt, by blood or marriage.
Stick to the truth.

I call all of my girlfriends aunty in front of my of DC. The same goes for any guy friends I have or any male friends of DH, we say uncle.

How lucky for your DS for someone to care for him so much that she'd like the title of Aunty.

The more the merrier!

I don't think you can say this is a product of grief. It sounds like the OP just doesn't like this women and is in her mind punishing her because of her brother's actions. Otherwise surely at some point over the past at least 4 probably more years that she has been with the OPs brother she would have been called auntie.

It seems a very spiteful and petty thing to deliberately not use the word aunt for someone who is a long term partner just because the brother hasn't married her.

Although I'm sure the women doesn't care a jot as she probably doesn't see the OPs child or the OP much by the sounds of it.

I had that exact same problem. I kept calling her by her name, and the kids did too. My mil/fil/bil krpt calling her aunty. The kids never did. When they asked me why we don't call her aunty, I explained that she is best friends with bil. When they marry she will be their aunty and my sil. Then they split up before they got married. The kids were fine about it, because they understood that friendships can break up. Whereas referring to someone as family, means they'll be around forever. Just carry on referring to.her by her name, your kids will copy you.

If your kids can understand ‘friends’ no longer being ‘friends’. They can understand relatives through marriage and how that can change.

@aurynne so true

@Rewis - 'niblings'! So cute!

@WiddlinDiddlin I wouldn't kick up a fuss but just stop reinforcing it.

It's your choice. My mum passed when I was young. My brother had a child at 18 but even at 18 and 16 we had a discussion between us if my dads partner would be grandma. She had been in our lives since I was in primary but wasn't a mother figure to us so we decided against it. Obviously at the time they weren't happy but my brother is now 4 kids in and they all call her by her name.