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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be considering living on benefits until DS3 starts nursery or school.......

101 replies

FAQ · 27/02/2008 10:51

when DH split up.

I've never claimed any benefits (apart from TC and CB) but am now facing the reality of having to do so. I don't feel bad/guilty etc about that - it's life - even if I find a job with childcare factored in I'm still not going to be earning enough to be able to live without claiming. I've always sort of sat on the fence with regards to people living on benefits that could be working.

However part of me is thinking - DS3 starts nursery in 2 1/2yrs time, school in 3 1/2yrs time. If I've read all the information properly (don't worry I'm going to go to CAB and the Jobcentre to get proper advice too) then I would be elligble for Income Support and not have to look for work as I'll be a lone parent.

Oh gosh I'm waffling......what I'm trying to say is

AIBU to be thinking of claiming benefits for the next couple of years and then finding work once DS3 goes off to school or nursery???

(of course I could change my mind, find a fantastic job a couple of months down the line and go back to work anyhow)

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Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 23:24

we sat and worked it out and the only things I don't pay for atm with regards to the bills are the council tax and the mortgage, insurance, water, gas, electric, TV License, Virgin Media etc are all paid by me!) (although all are currently in his name!).

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Aimsmum · 27/02/2008 23:26

Message withdrawn

Scramble · 27/02/2008 23:30

I work part time and now claim tax credits. I am staying in the house and have taken over the mortgague payments, but it is still in joint names, checked with lender and they are happy for me to take in on alone as they count tax credits as income.

Be very careful about any arrangments with H concerning the house etc, if he gets silly about things then it can get very messy, you have to protect yourself.

Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 23:32

I did feel sorry for him when we were discussing the money from my Granddad's estate. We've both been left money individually (he named each person separately) but he thought that it was a single amount that "we" were being given and that I would therefore keep the lot and "cut him out" of his share. Instead of me waiting for my share to pay deposit etc, it's now him of course.

Reassured him that he was named in the will - and even if he wasn't I know my Granddad wanted him to have his share of the money and that he'd still get his "cut" regardless (we've not fallen out that badly that I would grab his cut of the money and run LOL).

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Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 23:34

Scramble - that's exactly why I'm going to get proper legal advice about it before anyone moves anywhere

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Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 23:36
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chipmonkey · 28/02/2008 00:25

FAQ, please bear in mind that even when they're with you, they are still his children and he must provide for them, not just on the nights he has them. I hope the rent is very reduced if his 3 dc's are going to be living in the house.
I really think are far too nice to him.
wrt to your original question, sounds like the boys should have minimal upheaval in their lives and no harm at all if you are at home with them for the next while. If that means living on benefits, so be it.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2008 00:33

YANBU!

Quattrocento · 28/02/2008 00:41

Good luck FAQ

anniemac · 28/02/2008 13:07

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Original poster
FAQ · 28/02/2008 13:31

Thanks Annie - actually it seems to be getting easier! He's even suggested getting my name put on the title deeds so that both "own" the house !

Although our marriage is over we do still get along ok(ish) and we definitely want to maintain a friendly relationship (neither of us "hate" the other) and to make sure that whoever is looking after the children at any given point in time that they are able to afford to do that.

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anniemac · 28/02/2008 13:51

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
FAQ · 28/02/2008 13:55

annie - I've heard so many stories of the CSA being the death of a "good" relationship with an ex that's why I rethought things through yesterday and decided to go back to work and avoid the CSA aspect.

I guess only time will tell whether we can maintain a "good" relationship.......

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anniemac · 28/02/2008 14:12

This reply has been deleted

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Alambil · 28/02/2008 14:25

I went on benefits when I left my ex - I am still on benefits 5 yrs later.

This isn't because I'm sitting on my laurells - it's because I'm studying to become a teacher...

IME and IMO I would rather be on benefits for a finite time and know there is light at the end of the tunnel, rather than struggling for a long time with no apparent end on naff wages/high childcare costs.

shelleylou · 28/02/2008 16:30

Numbersix my ds is 15 months and starts nursery in 2010. This is my first intervew, ive got a horrible feeling that when i get there the person im surposed to be seeing wont be in and ill have to see my dads ex wife. Cant see that going to well .

bozza · 28/02/2008 16:54

FAQ - are you saying that have a secured loan that is greater than the wequity in the house?

chipmonkey · 28/02/2008 22:28

Annie, because she is too bloody nice to him! He criticises her, she takes all the criticism on board and never says a bad word about him. He criticises her parenting when it's perfectly clear to anyone on MN that she's a great Mum! Raising children does cost money and I don't think FAQ should have to bear the majority of of the financial burden. Nothing wrong with an amicable split but I do want him to be fair to her, that's all.
Sorry FAQ, don't mean to talk as if you're not here!

amytheearwaxbanisher · 28/02/2008 22:32

yanbu you need it thats what it is there for

Octothechildherder · 28/02/2008 22:35

Good luck FAQ

RANT ALERT: what makes me mad is that I've spent years looking after my kids and when I want to go back to work and try to claim JS allowance they so no as haven't paid enough NI Grump (not at FQ btw!) How are mums trying to get back into work supposed to get support?

MAMAZON · 28/02/2008 22:37

YANBU

wheni left my ex i had to move away from the area i grew up in.
My entire support netwrok was left behind and i could no longer work as i didnt have anyone to care for Ds (SN)

I had no option but to claim benefits.

I would dearly love to return to work but i have been told by a lone parent advisor that i would actually be WORSE OFF by going back to work.

I hate having to claim benefits. in teh neginning i was deeply ashamed and found it all very embarassing.
BUT i paid a lot of money in taxes and i expect i shall again at some point, so i don't anymore.

Octothechildherder · 28/02/2008 22:38

Thats exaclty it Mamazon - if you do pay your taxes you should get it back when you need it.

susiecutiemincepies · 28/02/2008 22:59

Not read all post, so apologize if this repeats.
Firstly YANBU

GO for it. You will only get what they consider you to be intitled to. Looking after your DC is full time work IMHO. Benefits are there for exactly the reason you wish to claim them for

As for CSA, you are allowed to opt out of CSA getting involved. AS long as you can tell them you have a voluntary arrangement in place. All you need to do is provide a letter from yourself, and your H stating how much he intends to pay for the upkeep of you DC. To the benefits office. They are happy with this.I have looked into this recently and talked to the job center and benefits agency and the CSA ( about a month ago ) I didn't have to follow this path thankfully as me and DH worked through some things and are ok now, but I wanted to be prepared

You can also register with the CSA, tell them all your details, tell them your H is making voluntary payments. THis is to protect him and you in the future. This means, they wont go after him, and ask him to pay X amount of back dated maintenance for the DC.

I would advise you to do this. A good friend of mine had a perfectly amicable agreement and arrangement with her ex Husband. He paid cash to her, every month. As she had to claim benefits, at some stage the CSA were involved. They ordered him to pay over a years worth of back dated maintenance at the rate that they calculated. Since neither she nor her husband could provide proof of the payments, he had to pay it. She did not get a penny of this money, it went back into the 'system'. totally unfair, and outrageous.
My advise would be,
1 call them, tell them your situation. Let them document that you have a voluntary arrangement. they will contact him and possible his employer, but wont take it any further.
2 Keep records and receipts of all payments he makes to you that you want to be seen and taken into account officially. ( i.e. dont worry about the shopping, or money for DC's clothes etc etc... )

They can tell you the best way to move forward

I'm so sorry you are having to think about this. Its a really sad time, and a really sad phone call to have to make. I didn't appreciate this until a started talking to someone. They were really lovely actually. The woman was so patient and kind to me.

I obviously don't know your circumstances, but like I say, I was really surprised at how just talking to them about our situation, made me feel incredibly emotional. Pick a time when you are feeling particularly strong to make the call.

Best of luck with it all. Take care, and please, don't be feeling bad or worried or anything negative about having to do what you are going to do.

susiecutiemincepies · 28/02/2008 23:19

Have just had a chance to read all the thread now. Im a bit behind it seems!

When I talked to them, my situation was going to be that I was claiming incapacity benefit, housing benefit and council tax benefit. On top of this, i'd still get the Child benefit and child tax credits.

I was told by more than one advisor, that I didn't have to opt into the CSA. I told them ( the job center and benefits agency) that I thought ( truthfully) that it would be detrimental to our DD's relationship with her daddy, if they were involved, as his ex wife had basically taken him to the cleaners for his inheritance, and to the CSA. it caused so many problems, and I knew how he would be if I had gone down that route too... I was then advised by the CSA that we needn't use them to collect payments. They told me that I had to inform them of how much he was giving, even if it was not what they would calculate, so long as it was reasonable, that this would be fine. PLus to keep evidence of any transactions "just in case' in the future it was looked into, though it would be unlikely.

Sorry to go in, just having re-read the thread, I wanted to re-ieterate the advice i have been given really recently. If yo dont feel you want to go to work for the sake of the DC's, then dont. Don't do it just becasue of the CSA! Also, if you are 'renting' from him, you can get most, if not all of that paid in housing benefit. Dont get your name put on the deeds, or else this wont be possible. THe council aske if you are related to the owner of the house, which you are not. They should help you and pay your rent to him, for you. you would just need a tenancy agreement, which you can download and print online.

Sorry gone on so long, just wanted to make sure i'd said everything! hope some of it helps.

Original poster
FAQ · 28/02/2008 23:42

thanks for all your extra input

DH has suggested a figure of £400 a month for me to pay towards the mortgage/rent (whatever you want to call it). Which quite frankly is bl**dy amazing value for me, if I were to privately rent a similar property it would cost me £550 minimum and even with HB taken into account (according to entitledto would be about £130 I'd get) I'll still be paying less than if I rented privately and had a rent of £550 with HB factored in.

Susie - I've been looking into the CSA thing - you can "opt-out" if you can prove that it's going to be dangerous/detrimental to go through them - quite frankly I can't see how I could persuade them (even if I tried really hard and if I really wanted to) that it would be either of those things for us to go through them. And if they think your reasons aren't good enough they will agree not to persue your XP.........but you risk them cutting your benefits!

Chip - if you think I never said a bad word about him

a) you've obviously not read all my posts about him on MN

b) you've definitely not heard me talking to people in RL about him )

As it happens I've got a job interview tomorrow morning for a temporary (currently one month - could be longer depending on whether the person on long term sickpay gets signed off for longer/decides not to go back) job which I'd start on Monday. I need to find a job of some description in the short term at least as while H and I are still living here together we need to find money to pay bills.

If I get it I'll see how it goes.......strangely quite excited about the prospect of working for a couple of hours a day (9.30-1)........even though it is "just" cleaning Confused

Have to smile at this comment

"Pick a time when you are feeling particularly strong to make the call."

I keep feeling like I'm "feeling strong" - then someone will call/speak to me and I'll go all crumbly again.

With regards to the telling them we've got an agreement and keeping a record of it.....if he was to buy the new sets of school uniform DS1 and DS2 both need for September (DS1's old stuff isn't really in a state to be "re-used" by DS2 , and DS1 moving up to junior school from infant) do things like that count as "payments" (he's already offered to fund them).....

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