To want DH to change his lifestyle

[Ungratefulbastard]

Firstly, I know this is tone-deaf in the current economic climate (see username) so feel free to tell me I'm an arsehole.

Secondly, it's entirely a problem of my making. My DH hasn't changed, I have.

Before I met DH 15 years ago I lived quite a simple life: not much money, lots of time outdoors, not many possessions.

Then I met DH, who was a bit wealthier and very generous. I must admit my head was turned by his lifestyle and I enjoyed the nice restaurants, shopping trips etc.

We married, had children (now aged 8 and 6), our lifestyle stayed the same, and now our overconsumption is hurting our health and the environment.

We're all overweight (except DS6), we do no sport, and we live in a big house crammed full of stuff that is largely toys discarded by the children (DH gets them new stuff most Saturdays).

I've tried talking to DH about it and he understands the issue in principle but his habits are very deeply entrenched and he doesn't honestly see any particular problem with the way we live.

Meanwhile I'm fat, unfit, and seem to spend all my time coercing my family into eating healthily or maybe going for a walk (not around the shops) while my husband can't resist getting the kids extra snacks and fast food, taking them to the cinema etc. And what makes it worse is that at least a couple of times a week I just run out of resolve and end up being as bad as my husband. I won't say I'm unhappy, but I could be a lot happier.

The only thing I can think to do is just strengthen my resolve, try to keep the kids relatively healthy and the consumption to a minimum, and accept there's nothing I can do to change DH (he is dealing with significant overweight which is starting to hurt his health).

If anyone has ideas or has been through this I'd really appreciate your messages. Thanks.

I think you have to lead by example. nothing is stopping you going for a walk on your own, eating better etc.

Start giving away and/or selling unused toys.

If you're the one doing the weekly shop, do it online and don't buy things in that are unhealthy.

Thanks @Diddykong . You're right I must lead better by example! I'm quite good at the lonely walks, but less good with food etc. I do the weekly shop and make all the meals, but often DH will pop into the supermarket on the way home from work and come back loaded with crisps, sweets, ice cream etc. And at the end of a long day (Stressful work, up before 6am, 2 hour commute etc) when DH puts an ice cream literally in my hand (after everyone has turned up their nose at my healthy dinner) I just eat it.

I know I sound very self -pitying here (because I am) but also because I hate myself for not having the resolve to just deal with it and actually behave the way I ought to and set a good example for my children.

Agree, lead by example and focus on yourself/the children.

Sometimes I feel like dumping all his junk (toys and snacks) directly in the bin but that's far too aggressive.

when DH puts an ice cream literally in my hand

So for a start, if you want to lose weight, you need to tell him to stop doing that. It is really hard to turn down something someone gives you like that, so the best thing is that he doesn’t hand them to you on the assumption that you’ll eat them. At the very most he needs to say “I’m having an ice cream, want one?” so you can say no, or ideally, just get one for himself and leave you to help yourself if you wish.

YABU to try to make your DH change his lifestyle if he doesn’t want to - he’s an adult and it’s his choice - but YANBU to make it very clear to him that you would like to change yours and that he needs to be supportive of that. And if you’re the one who cooks, YANBU to put a healthy meal on the table every night whether the family moans about it or not.

I totally understand OP.

When me and DH met I was thin and pretty fit, I would cook for myself most nights, nothing extravagant but healthy food. Then gradually I started eating the same as him, lots of takeaway, snacks, we both got quite fat. 2018 DH had severe health issues which really gave him a kick up the backside and over the next year we both lost loads of weight and got much fitter (batch cooking, Gousto delivery, salad for lunch etc). Only I've kept most of it off and he hasn't. It is hard when he's ordering takeaway and I'm trying not to eat it, he offers to buy food all the time. Thing is he sees it as care, I see it as sabotage. My only solution really is to try and do my own thing. I have to eat separately, take myself out of the house to avoid temptation. It is really hard. And with kids your job is ten times harder. I have no solutions if he won't see the issue. You just have to try and do your best for the children. Hopefully at some point soon the health issues will give him the kick he needs. I am worried about my DH, worried the issues will come back only worse because he was really lucky last time to get away with no long term problems. All this blather really is just to empathise, I know how hard you must be having it.

Agree with others that you can’t really control what your husband does. You can lead by example and have firm boundaries around what you will eat/when you exercise etc and make sure he takes these seriously.

Over time, this may rub off on him. It could also go the other way and become a flashpoint and an area of difference which you may have to face up to and earth resolve or separate.

It doesn’t sound like you are there yet though.

For now I think you have to just practice what you preach and let him know you are serious about getting fit and it isn’t a phase or a reason to have a go at him; it’s something you feel passionately about.

Sounds like he has poor impulse control and likes to buy things.

So maybe try and channel that into something helpful?

For example, when he buys toys on a Saturday he takes them to a local charity. Or he buys cakes etc and takes them to the food bank. Maybe start having a box in the house for donations and then he can place items in there and you can take them every month?

He can still spend and buy things but it'll be more constructive

He is not a child, you do what you think is right for you and say no if he offers food you don't want

I get it, but you need to break your own habits around food before you can help anyone else.

Family only likes rich, calorie-dense meals? Terrific - you're in charge of how much you physically ingest, so eat less of it.
Family eats when you're not hungry? Don't join in. There's no one policing this. Yes, you might get a comment or two but you don't have to eat the food just because it is there. There will be more food tomorrow/later - treats are not vanishingly rare.
DH puts an ice cream in your hand? He's lovely for thinking of you - mine does this too - have a few bites and bin the rest. Again, there will be more ice creams in the shop.

The person in charge of how many bites you take is you. Get those habits settled first: eat sensible portions (which will be smaller if your family likes calorie-dense things), eat when you are hungry, and if someone gives you a treat, have some but not all. You need to reclaim your own agency around food, which is difficult to do in a family setting, but it's possible and it really does help.

How about getting the kids onboard with a big toy sale? You could do a table outside your house or a car boot and round up everything outgrown/no longer used. My children are similar age and like walks if there is a point - reaching a castle, a river, some ruins and if there is a picnic involved. We also do geocaching sometimes. And junior park run every week. Maybe they’d like to try that?

Does your dh want to lose weight or stop buying things? It sounds like you’re not really compatible anymore - you’ve changed and he hasn’t. It happens but you’re just going to make yourselves miserable trying to change him

If it were me I would lie to him; tell him you’ve had a health scare and the doctors have said you need to lose weight/cut out the crap.

When I worked in a big office, I’d ask people not to bring me sweet treats as I was on a diet, and it was like they saw it more as a challenge to get me to crack. When I said I was told I had to bring my cholesterol down or risk a heart attack, everyone was very supportive. It was the same with giving up smoking; it makes people feel threatened when you are quitting and they’re not, but if they know directly they are affecting your health they’re likely to be more supportive.

Id be telling your husband that the food is harmful and not to give it to you, doctors orders. He can choose then how supportive he wants to be (eating it himself if he just but not whilst around you)

Thanks all for your replies - I see a theme emerging here... It's definitely up to me to control myself first and foremost.

@AHugeTinyMistake Thing is he sees it as care, I see it as sabotage. This really resonated with me. I can see that everything he does - the treat food, the presents - is an act of love, and he genuinely can't understand how we could be happier or heathier if we 'deprive' ourselves. I hope your husband gets on top of his habits and stays in decent health.

I'll see if I can find some more fun activities for the kids as well rather than just a walk.

Thanks everyone for your messages 🤗

@siblingrevelryagain thanks for your reply. My weight already does affect my health, superficially at least - I have arthritis which hurts less when I weigh less. DH also has a bad back for the same reason. He doesn't believe there is a link between weight and this pain.

My partner is going through the same - wanting to cut back on food and lose weight. I am fully supportive and make sure I don’t buy ‘bad’ foods in and cook healthier for the both of us.

I don’t think it is too much to ask from a partner to be supportive, avoid eating unhealthy in front of you etc…

DH puts an ice cream in your hand? He's lovely for thinking of you - mine does this too - have a few bites and bin the rest. Again, there will be more ice creams in the shop.

It might be lovely, but this isn't always the case though, sometimes it's a case of... "I want an ice-cream and know it's bad but I'll feel better if you have one too". If he knows (maybe he doesn't?) that you are trying hard to lose weight, he shouldn't be encouraging/ temping you like this. Be firm next time: "no thanks - put it back in the freezer" you don't have to eat it!

If you've got money, why not just redirect and throw money at this problem. 'Wellness' trend is pretty expensive too. Join fancy gym with pool etc, get a trainer or gift this to DH. Put the kids in activities or spend time using gym facilities with them. Pay someone to come and organise/clear out. Am sure theres something that could be done food wise too. I'd play to the strengths of your DH and family.

he shouldn't be encouraging/ temping you like this

The OP is a grown adult and doesn't have to eat it, not even to be polite. The same thing goes for any food.

You're never going to be able to control what other people do. The agency rests internally - it's what needs to be sorted first. It's not other people's' fault that they live and act differently.

I mean this kindly but you are deffo in control of what you eat. We have a cupboard full of snacks, crisps, biscuits, chocs etc and I can walk past without even being tempted. Hubby keeps them stocked up but the treats are mostly for guests. You don’t have to eat it just because it’s there.
Cut down on portions, cut sugar/fat/UPF, drink more water and move more. Once you start you’ll feel so much better you won’t want to be derailed or stop. You can clear out all the toys etc in the house too - cleaning is a great way to get moving.
You really need to get your kids moving too. Get them to join sports clubs eg swimming, football etc and limited them to a couple of treads a day eg it doesn’t have to be a full size choc bar when a treat size one will do.
Sit your DH down and have a serious talk and tell him you need his support and tell him he doesn’t need to buy stuff to show his love. He can do this by playing football at the park or cooking a healthy meal with the DC.

I agree, and not saying it's his fault, but just saying that putting an ice-cream in the hand of someone who is looking to lose weight/ get healthy is not (in my opinion) an "act of love" as the OP states

How about counseling or CBT? It's not good parenting to start kids on a life of obesity and overconsumption; if he can't see that then this is more than a "love language" issue.

Could you book for you both you and your dh to go for a health check - sort of like a once over for bloods, weight, that sort of thing and approach it from the pov with both your dh and the healthcare professionals that you want to start taking health more seriously - especially so, as we all know, time goes in one direction and with that health issues start to appear. "Best to know sooner rather than later if there is anything a bit amiss".

It sounds like there might be some amber flags for your husband especially, if he is overweight (cholesterol for example, possibly), and if you could get him to go to an appointment like this for a health check up and then the subsequent results, it might be a 'seed'... Not saying that will be all it will take, but it might help with moving things slowly, slowly, over to healthier lifestyle trajectory. He might need to hear from a doctor that some changes would be necessary?

And there's always the option of private, rather than NHS if the cash is there (absolutely love the NHS, so this is definitely not to bash the NHS!), if it's something he might go for, and would appreciate more of a 'medicine with all the frills', experience, for want of a better way of putting it!

Good luck OP. Whatever your dh decides, it doesn't mean you can't shift over to a healthier lifestyle for yourself (not easy, I know... My sweet tooth and general love of food is a strong urge i regularly battle with!)

If he doesn't care about his own health, he should care about his children. Not buying them crap "snacks". Having overweight children is neglect.

I would focus on yourself and eat well, do lots of walking, and you will feel loads better. Honestly, he will probably join in when sees how great you feel and look.

Agree with this - if money isn't a barrier, can you replace your lonely walks with a PT/gym membership/classes/swimming? Whatever feels good to you and helps you de-stress, particularly if you've got a stressful job. If you're in charge of the food shop, try a couple of weeks of a healthy meal prep service - if the family won't switch what they eat, they don't have to, let them have oven chips and nuggets and you have a healthy alternative. Sign up for MyFitnessPal and when he hands you an ice cream, either log it and count it in for that day, or put it back in the freezer. Start working on the changes you want to make for yourself first, and let them follow if they want to.