To want DH to change his lifestyle

[Ungratefulbastard]

Firstly, I know this is tone-deaf in the current economic climate (see username) so feel free to tell me I'm an arsehole.

Secondly, it's entirely a problem of my making. My DH hasn't changed, I have.

Before I met DH 15 years ago I lived quite a simple life: not much money, lots of time outdoors, not many possessions.

Then I met DH, who was a bit wealthier and very generous. I must admit my head was turned by his lifestyle and I enjoyed the nice restaurants, shopping trips etc.

We married, had children (now aged 8 and 6), our lifestyle stayed the same, and now our overconsumption is hurting our health and the environment.

We're all overweight (except DS6), we do no sport, and we live in a big house crammed full of stuff that is largely toys discarded by the children (DH gets them new stuff most Saturdays).

I've tried talking to DH about it and he understands the issue in principle but his habits are very deeply entrenched and he doesn't honestly see any particular problem with the way we live.

Meanwhile I'm fat, unfit, and seem to spend all my time coercing my family into eating healthily or maybe going for a walk (not around the shops) while my husband can't resist getting the kids extra snacks and fast food, taking them to the cinema etc. And what makes it worse is that at least a couple of times a week I just run out of resolve and end up being as bad as my husband. I won't say I'm unhappy, but I could be a lot happier.

The only thing I can think to do is just strengthen my resolve, try to keep the kids relatively healthy and the consumption to a minimum, and accept there's nothing I can do to change DH (he is dealing with significant overweight which is starting to hurt his health).

If anyone has ideas or has been through this I'd really appreciate your messages. Thanks.

I think changing his habits will be hard. Could you try doing a family activity once a week that involves movement e.g trampoline parks, air Haus, rock climbing, go ape, swimming etc. For the clutter, I get my DD to fill up a big box once a month of stuff she doesn't need or play with anymore to give to charity, it's not always full but helps me keep on top of things

Putting an ice cream literally in your hand if you’ve clearly told him you aim to lose weight and want to live more healthily isn’t lovely behaviour, it’s insidious: at best he’s ignoring your wants and needs in favour of his own, at worst it’s a weird form of control.

He really buys more toys every week? Jesus. I’m overwhelmed by the kids’ clutter and they just have birthday/Christmas/party bag tat and I ruthlessly cull stuff all the time. I would honestly start secretly removing stuff from the piles and stash it in the attic or wherever. Anything they remember existing within six months you can “find” and return to the chaos; everything else to charity. I’ve got rid of so much stuff DD has no memory of and she definitely plays more intently and with fewer “I’m boreds” when she has fewer things.

Lead by example. It’s difficult when you’re being actively sabotaged but only you can not eat the treats, only you can not buy the more things, only you can exercise, get healthy, declutter, etc. You do have control over the meals, if not the influx of unhealthy snacks. When you have more energy, are happier, the house (or at least the areas you can take charge of) is cleaner and tidier, hopefully others in your family will follow. If they don’t… honestly such incompatible values and lifestyle would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t live with someone who brought so much stuff into the house with so little care.

OP I think you are me. I have no helpful advice but am following for others' comments. It's so bloody hard.

Your children are young enough that you can sign them up for every sports club going (there is kids’ yoga, street dance, swimming lessons, karate if they don’t like football or cricket). They should be doing something active every day, whether that is walking to school, playing football at lunchtime, or going swimming at the weekend. A six year old doesn’t get the option of saying no, though obviously it is easier if they have done it from birth as they don’t know there is a lazier option.

And limit treats - one per day is plenty. Buy “treat” fruit - DS has always loved fruit, because he gets things like raspberries, watermelon, mango, rather than a boring apple (he eats apples too, but not day in day out). I have never yet seen a child turn down a bowl of strawberries. They can also be convinced that Greek-style fruit yoghurts are a treat equal to a cake.

“Good” food is also healthy - lots of delicious well-prepared vegetables and high-quality meat or fish is much more desirable to most adults than a plate of Turkey twizzlers and chips (I’m sure that’s not actually what you are serving, but you get the point). Present this food as a major luxury, not a chore. We have persuaded DS to try all kinds of things in restaurants that way.

I haven’t read the whole thread. It sounds like he communicates his love through gifts?

• Gift giving: Sharing love through presents of all sizes, ranging from small tokens or trinkets to larger, more expensive gifts

I agree, surprised by the OP (and many PPs) seeing this as an act of love. In the right circumstances it is, in these circumstances, it certainly isn't.

I do agree with leading by example though as others have said, get into a positive mindset and habit and encourage the DH and children to follow.

I think need to go in a lot harder here with your husband. Yes he can eat what he likes. You say only the 6 year old isn’t overweight. If your 8 year old is already overweight because of the food that you and your husband are giving them, this is really irresponsible. You could be setting them up with health problems for life.

Healthy eating and being active shouldn’t be something that kids that age get to opt out of. You and your husband both need to start acting more responsibly.

If he likes buying then has he considered channeling that by going on Amazon and buying from a charity wishlist or something ?

if you were avoiding alcohol then would you see the act of putting it in your hand as love? If you want to lose weight then you need to show him that and ask him not to give you ice cream. Maybe program him to return with something like a pot of chopped fruit instead ?

You can't make him change his habits but you have control over yours. Is the buying for everyone a way to relieve him of his guilt?

And I don't get the whole "love language" of gifts, if they are not wanted at best and detrimental at worst, how is it showing love?..

I would start with one small change. And each fortnight add another.

So identity an activity that is low impact and that would engage everyone. We started with archery, murder mystery events, then onto pitch and putt. We had very frank discussions about how when we are not here the kids will remember our love in enjoying each other's company. We managed a rather eh lackluster park walk so it is happening but slow.

The food issues are progressing slower but we are working on limiting the quick energy fixes. Being w bit more organised so dinner is slow cooker ready to go straight away.

Does he realise how fat he is?

When you're not in the heat of the moment, think of five-ten things you and the kids can do which isn't about food - Pokemon hunting, volunteering to walk a neighbour's dog, crafts, bike riding, swimming ... whatever you think would grab them. You're in a rut with your activities.

Be ruthless on decluttering. I'd (when they aren't at home) get together a bag of toys that you know is outgrown, and take it to the nearest charity shop / put it on a busy pavement / wherever will get it taken. At the same time perhaps the kids can decide on some things they've outgrown and hold a yard sale. And see if DH will agree to a "one in, one out" policy. Stuffocation is not a nice feeling.

Meals - agree five meals that everyone likes which are realistic, and work them into your cooking.

Not very exciting but a lot of this stuff is down to routine imo.

Do the posters calling the OP's husband handing her an ice cream "sabotage" genuinely believe that it is a malicious, premeditated act committed to deliberately damage the OP?

No one can "sabotage" a diet, short of actively force feeding.

In a similar situation with my lovely husband. It wasn’t until he saw me start to lose weight, that he started wanting to also. We don’t buy treats and sweets in great armfuls any more, we look for hi protein or small specific treats. The idea of lovely exotic fruit as a treat is a great one, especially with a serving of vanilla ice cream ( rather than the whole tub!)
Ask him to support you by not bring all the treats into the house.

I would be focusing on one thing at a time; the food mainly. If my DH was doing things that made my DC overweight and pushing food on me when he knows I’m trying to be healthy I’d be pretty livid. It sounds like he can’t resist so is justifying it to himself by making you all live like that. When he walks in with the food send him back to the car with it if you have to; I realise that’s over the top but you’re starting awful habits for your DC that will leave them battling the same issue as adults

Oh sweet summer child…

See also the recent thread about the woman with the balls-deep-in-denial alcoholic partner.

They can sabotage it and it may not even be conscious or malicious but it does happen! If you love someone you want them to be their best self, not bring them down with you!

Also seen this loads in the office when someone would say, oh go on have a cake, why not just one, etc, even when the other person says no because they're on a diet or trying to keep slim.

Could you join a health club like David Lloyd? Expensive but if you have enough money to buy toys every weekend it's more than manageable? Then you feel like you're having a treat, dh gets the feeling of having a treat and doing fun things with dc, dc get to go to the kids clubs they put on, you both get to spend time in the spa facilities and you can play tennis and go swimming altogether.

I'd frame it as a treat and nicer lifestyle rather than wanting everyone to change.

It’s hard with DH. He’s an adult but also you love him and his lifestyle sounds like he could be more likely to become unwell, which of course you want to do everything you can to prevent. Can you frame improving your family’s health as a positive? It’s so important your kids are active and a healthy weight, and avoid ultra processed foods. Surely he can see that if he loves them, giving them ice cream every day on the long run is not a good thing. I’d personally be furious with the toy buying - even if moneys not an issue, it’s so wasteful and children should learn to be grateful for presents occasionally.

I don’t think you can force your DH to change his lifestyle but you can change yours and (mostly) your children. It is fantastic that you recognise the effects this is having on you and even better that you’re willing to put in the work to change. There is not many that can do either, you should be proud.

Same here although my two DSs are very slim and healthy so I don’t worry about them. My solution is that I have rejoined slimming world and I’m sticking with it this time. Early days but the weight is shifting. You have to find the willpower to say no thanks to the ice cream etc. As for the toys, have a good sort out when they’re back to school or before Christmas. Use the hope of Christmas toys and the need to share with others to get them to part with stuff. Put your foot down about the cinema etc - not until you’ve been walking, swimming etc. You probably can’t do much to make him change his ways but you need to intervene now for the kids’ sake.

I’ve been fat, slim, fat , slim round and round was a fat child. My children have never been overweight. You need to address your 8 year olds fatness or you are gifting your child a lifetime of fatness and pain. Sort your kid out asap.

If you already have one over weight child then you need to focus on food and exercise. Is DH aware that your child is overweight and what the consequence of that are?

At those ages and with money it should be easy to keep them active.

You need actual exercise classes and your kids need actual activities. Have you a trampoline? My 8 & 5 year olds live on it, get the biggest one you can fit. Time for a serious talk with dh about health. He needs counselling tbh, tell him you want him to walk his daughter down the aisle and you’re worried he won’t be there for it. See if you can get him to swap swap swap. Bin all the ice cream, get in some frozen yoghurt. Buy a microwave popcorn maker, the 8yo could do it themselves supervised.

It's neglect if your children are overweight and unfit. You need a serious chat about him harming his own children. It's selfish being a fat parent setting a poor example but it's absolutely inexcusable to have fat children. It is poor parenting.