To want DH to change his lifestyle

[Ungratefulbastard]

Firstly, I know this is tone-deaf in the current economic climate (see username) so feel free to tell me I'm an arsehole.

Secondly, it's entirely a problem of my making. My DH hasn't changed, I have.

Before I met DH 15 years ago I lived quite a simple life: not much money, lots of time outdoors, not many possessions.

Then I met DH, who was a bit wealthier and very generous. I must admit my head was turned by his lifestyle and I enjoyed the nice restaurants, shopping trips etc.

We married, had children (now aged 8 and 6), our lifestyle stayed the same, and now our overconsumption is hurting our health and the environment.

We're all overweight (except DS6), we do no sport, and we live in a big house crammed full of stuff that is largely toys discarded by the children (DH gets them new stuff most Saturdays).

I've tried talking to DH about it and he understands the issue in principle but his habits are very deeply entrenched and he doesn't honestly see any particular problem with the way we live.

Meanwhile I'm fat, unfit, and seem to spend all my time coercing my family into eating healthily or maybe going for a walk (not around the shops) while my husband can't resist getting the kids extra snacks and fast food, taking them to the cinema etc. And what makes it worse is that at least a couple of times a week I just run out of resolve and end up being as bad as my husband. I won't say I'm unhappy, but I could be a lot happier.

The only thing I can think to do is just strengthen my resolve, try to keep the kids relatively healthy and the consumption to a minimum, and accept there's nothing I can do to change DH (he is dealing with significant overweight which is starting to hurt his health).

If anyone has ideas or has been through this I'd really appreciate your messages. Thanks.

I agree, and not saying it's his fault, but just saying that putting an ice-cream in the hand of someone who is looking to lose weight/ get healthy is not (in my opinion) an "act of love" as the OP states

I have a feeder. Two pieces of advice. One, give him options that you would like. A fancy low carb treat or a mango. Something delicious which fits your diet. Then he still gets to do it. And tell (don't ask) him not to hand you unhealthy food again. The first time he does it, walk to the bin and put it in. No words. You'll only have to do it a couple of times before he gets the hint.

Agree with this. Also, look around your house. There's a saying that struck me lately, "All of this stuff used to be money."

Imagine what you could do with the money spent on that crap, from saving for early retirement to fees for a good school to holidays to charity. Why is he happy to fritter away his income on plastic crap?

It really sounds disordered. Would he agree to any sort of therapy or counseling?

Teaching kids that happiness lies through eating and buying things every week is a recipe for future disaster. Can he really not see that? Is he ... lacking in cognitive ability, to say it kindly?

Make some swap, get some ice lollies so when they get an ice cream you get 50 calories of ice lolly. Start with yourself but your biggest problem is your DH and he needs to know he’s putting his kids at risk, health wise and bullying

I think it’s great that you E seen an issue - I also think there are better ways to go about things that might be more successful.

for instance there are several studies that have proven children benefit far more from “experience” over “possession” - your husbands love language is clearly gifting…so rather than saying don’t say do but you other things “oh they do love animals, we should take them to the zoo! Why don’t you buy them some tickets for next weekend” firstly it’s still a gift, so will fulfil his need, but it’s secretly also exercise as you’ll spend all day walking! Then you pack a picnic to take along with some healthier options (50/50 bread for sarnies, some fruit, lower salt/fat crisps) and agree to have a “cheeky treat” in an ice cream/donut/lolly.

You can do zoo’s, farms, soft plays, skate parks, museums, swimming pools with slides, ice skating, high ropes, adventure playgrounds, watersports (if it ever gets warm again - the ones with big inflatables) anything that is secretly walking, or playing lots - even theme parks if you like a thrill. It’s just reframing the “gifts” and walks…good luck!

It sounds like you've got plenty of money and your kids are the perfect age to do some activities at the weekend (rather than shopping!) how about as family day out involving swimming, ice skating, cycling, even go karting or zip lining?

Thanks all for your messages. Unfortunately DH is not a family activity kind of person but I can definitely try to take the kids without him. And thanks for the kick up the bum regarding my diet - it's so easy to do nothing and blame circumstances, but these messages have shown me that I can and should do something about it. It's nice to think that I have a plan even if the situation is not ideal

I'd still join David Lloyd and go with the dc. Leave him at home to his ice cream OP!

You can’t control him but you can tell him not to buy or give you any of the unhealthy foods unless you specifically ask.
he also doesn’t get 100% say in your children so he’s going to have to compromise. For example they can have junk food at the weekend but not through the week. Or they can have one small thing each night but not loads throughout the day.
he can buy them something each weekend but every toy that comes in they have to donate one to charity. And there can be a clear out of the house
i also think you can have a tough love conversation that he’s (and you whilst you’re complicit) are giving your children life long health problems.

you can also make some active plans, start doing walks the 3 of you, or take bikes or scooters or something out. If moneys not a problem get the children enrolled in some fun classes, dance, martial arts, whatever they like, and you can all start swimming. You can go exercise alone too.
If you go alone try to not show the dc you hate it (if you do) make it a positive that you get to have a nice time and take care of your body and not a chore that you have to run to lose weight or whatever
also I would say try not to make it mum/women are bothered about weight/ appearance and healthy eating and dads/men don’t have to worry, but obviously that’s hard.

Agree, get him to try and see the benefits of switching to spending the money on activities. Even if he chooses to watch to begin with.

Even low key activities - crazy golf, swimming, sightseeing will get their activity level up.

And now there are so many fun and active things you can do if you have the money, whether it's climbing , horse riding, skiing,. paddleboarding, inflatable obstacle courses. We tend to book activities for the children rather than spend on lots of gifts.

DH isn't naturally active and when I was very ill this year I struggled seeing how inactive the weekends became (although the children did have dance /football on Saturday mornings). Now I am better i will always plan a walk or swim minimum each day as well and all the children enjoy it and actually DH usually agrees to come along when he realises the alternative is to miss out

Counselling is a good idea. I know some people don't like the idea of it but again if you have the cash I think it's a good investment, couples counselling could help you come up with a way to tackle this together (not his health, that's his problem, but you owe it to your children to help theirs)

There was a boy on my son's football team last year who was struggling with his weight and his dad signed them up to a gym together to "get healthier" and the transformation is amazing and he looks so much happier in himself

Oh, honestly I would hate this, I sympathise! If you’re living with someone who’s insisting on buying and eating all this crap it just sort of becomes part of the gravitational pull of the household.

It’s nice for a treat, but I would feel all slovenly and like shit if I was lounging around eating crap all the time. I’d enjoy it (did in lockdown!) but ultimately would feel unsatisfying and sort of weigh me down (not like weight itself but just the vibe).

Hey - I would read a book called tiny habits. Basically start small and attach good habits to existing behaviours. Ie do ironing then do 5 min walk round block. Breaking things down and getting going builds momentum. I would also ignore your DH and just work on yourself for a bit. If all else fails get a personal trainer you can afford it and makes big difference.

Have you considered going to something like Slimmer’s World? They are gently encouraging and you can feel more motivated if you are being supported.

Yes. He needs help to change for all of your sakes. I was about to suggest a nice lifestyle gym package, a week at center parcs full of activities as a family break rather than an all inclusive 24hr buffet type holiday, tennis club, golf club membership.
I'm not suggesting you go from all inclusive resort to walking holiday in the hebrides,,,but if he sees luxury as a reward, use the luxury market to put activities that are.enjoyable but active.
If you can develop a more active social life around a sporting activity, perhaps the rest will follow.

I agree with this. I feel so sad when I see overweight children. It’s not their fault but they are being set up for a very difficult and unhappy life. There’s no excuse at all.

How old are you? When my husband turned forty there were various unresolved health concerns I had for him, and a friend told me about the forty year old check up with the GP. Men typically don't like going to see a doctor without massive cause but seem OK going for a 'proper' reason. I mention it because my husband was OK about going and it covered all areas of health and really helped with identifying sleep apneoa for him (which he would never have gone in to talk about otherwise) and setting him on a healthier course. Might be a good thing to mention to kick things off. Full health MOT x

Explain to him that showering the kids with gifts and food is a cheap way to gain their affection. If he really loves them he should care for their health.

It's sounds like spoiling the kids is an itch he must scratch, so find another means of filling this void. Or agree he can continue buying the toys but no more treats and snacks.

No offence but a walk with mum doesn't sound like the most stimulating experience ever. Keeping fit should be about about finding something you enjoy, it shouldnt be boring or feel like a chore... ask your kids what activities they would like to try.

Urgh that sounds horrible op. I can sympathise somewhat.

I left my ex fiance and decluttered everything. I owned very little and my place was clean and tidy. I was fit and healthy and did yoga and went running regularly.

Then I met my now dh and we live in a beautiful 3 bedroom house which you cannot move for crap everywhere. He owns so many toys and books and computer games. His shit is literally EVERYWHERE. It is impossible to keep it all tidy and I have just given up trying.

Every now and then I have a talk with him about decluttering and he isn't interested. In fact, he keeps buying more stuff. He has literally hundreds of computer games and board games.

I miss the days of clean and tidy.

In the nicest way it isn’t your DH fault you are overweight / unfit. You do have agency.

Crack on with the changes you want to make. Give him a clear list of things you don’t want him to do.

Get NHS advice about how to feed the kids, explain to him he can do want he wants, but you need to agree reasonable rules for treats so the kids aren’t overweight.

Get a clutter clearer in to sort the house. Have a one in one out rule for stuff.

Gradually start exercise.

In a year you and the kids will be in a different place.

DH lifestyle is up to him.

If he’s spending money you don’t have that’s something to tackle later.

Hi OP, I have this to an extent (not as extreme).

You and DH could go to couples counselling. No doubt the reasons for all this over-treating lie in his childhood somewhere. It would be worth talking it over with a neutral 3rd party. Maybe he'd be willing to try to change a bit for the DC if not for himself.

I'd also recommend Noom (a healthy eating app). I've done it a couple of times and it gives you a lot of useful tools to deal with "food pushers". It is a bit annoyingly American but there isn't a British version as far as I know.

I did it post lockdown and found it "wore off" about 3 years so I'm doing it again. This stuff takes active effort! My DH is also v overweight but at least eats salad now!

I literally couldn’t live like this 😕

My partner is obese ( i had a thread on here and was ripped to shreds) however he is impacting on my children as my older child is now heading towards being overweight and it’s heartbreaking.
The things I’m doing are encouraging sports. If it’s sunny we will go to the park and play rounders.
I have had conversations about healthy choices regarding food and offer fruit as snacks. I regular chats with my partner about his health but am ignored. It’s miserable having your choices ignored by someone who is supposed to love you.

Agree with all PPs. Start with you and live the lifestyle you want to. I'd focus entirely on that initially.
Then when you've established your lifestyle, explain to your husband that as far as the children are concerned there must be compromise, and that you as their equal parent are entitled to bring some of your interests priorities and values to their lives.
You may find an unfortunate effect of this is that it proves divisive. He may feel threatened or alienated by the changes. He may attempt to sabotage you. If its important enough to you though, you must stand firm. You only get one life and are entitled to live it in a way that maximises your health and wellbeing.

Type 2 diabetes. High cholesterol, high blood pressure, a lifetime of food issues.
Heart problems. Weight problems. Maybe poor self-image and low self esteem.
This is what your husband is gifting your children.
That's not love.