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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s normal to ignore messages for weeks

126 replies

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:15

I’m not in a good place mentally. We moved to a new area about a year ago. I’ve been trying to slowly meet other people and establish friendships. I got along with a neighbour really well (lives 6 doors down). Thing is she doesn’t respond to messages till very late (a week later minimum) or sometimes not at all. I don’t bombard her with messages at all. In all the time I’ve known her I’ve probably sent 8 messages. The recent one was 3 weeks ago I sent her a message saying it’s nearly summer and be lovely to catch up etc. she messaged me today after 3 weeks. DH thinks it’s nothing wrong and completely normal. Just for context I respond to messages promptly, I am also very busy but I do not ignore people as I think that’s rude.

Would you respond to her or just take it as a hint she doesn’t want to be friends? The message she wrote I haven’t opened but I can see the preview it says “been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

I’m thinking for my mental health I’m just going to stop contacting people that take ridiculous amount of time to respond to me. One self help book I’ve been reading says “you teach people how to treat you”. What are your thoughts? Please be kind I’m in a bad stage of my life mentally. Surely people who are too busy to even spend 20 seconds to respond to a text are too busy to try and make friendships with so I need to stop trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:19

Just for context I respond to messages the day I’ve received them. I don’t think I’ve ever taken more than a day to respond to anyone. Maybe that’s what the issue is as people probably think it’s odd I respond promptly so in their eyes I’m never doing anything so it justifies when they say they’re busy.

OP posts:
TarquinOliverNimrod · 31/07/2023 20:19

I sometimes take weeks to respond to non urgent chit chat type messages. I’ve got a 9m baby and a v pressurised busy job, plus dogs, a house to run and just an extremely busy life in general. Any free time I do have I’m just not in the mood to send texts. I have a lot of people send me messages. I just won’t be pressured into responding if it’s not convenient. They either accept that or they don’t. Fortunately, they are as laid back as me and don’t take offence to my slow response time.

I much prefer to organise a lunch or drinks where we can catch up properly. We didn’t used to be in constant contact pre mobiles and somehow we got by 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:21

I am useless, actually useless at responding to messages and it takes m ages sometimes. No relation to how much I actually like the person, rather how much mental space I have left. I have ADHD.

However, I would take her at her word and respond, "let me know!" and then leave it alone. She either does or doesn't want to and if she does, she needs to arrange it.

Mutabiliss · 31/07/2023 20:28

I take ages to respond sometimes, especially to chat rather than questions/arranging something. I just don't have the headspace or am not in the mood to think about a reply or potentially start a conversation up. My best mate's the same. We both have young children, work full time, and weeks can go by without us speaking.

Don't take it personally, if you get on in real life that's great. She'll come back to you when she's in the right mood.

Eltonjaunice · 31/07/2023 20:51

That would be normal for me. Sometimes I just don't have the headspaces for chit chat.

Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:57

I don’t have headspace for chit chats most of the time but I would never ignore people that’s just rude.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 21:02

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:57

I don’t have headspace for chit chats most of the time but I would never ignore people that’s just rude.

Then she's probably not the friend for you. She's different to you, not rude.

I have a lot of 'haven't seen or spoken to you for 10 years, pick up the conversation instantly' friends.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 21:06

I have ADHD and I never leave messages unread and always respond the day I read a message.

I'm a great multi-tasker, though, and don't see it as particularly time consuming to read a message and respond....stood in a checkout queue waiting and I'll quickly look at my phone and get some life admin done.

I really don't find it hard.

I'm also really surprised that people who don't reply/take weeks to reply get "so many messages" - why do people still bother messaging someone who never replies?

Baffling.

YANBU op and I'd take it as a sign that they're just not into you. I would focus obnbuilding relationships with people with the same mindset and abilities as you.

Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 21:09

@everywhichwaybutthetruth I'm also really surprised that people who don't reply/take weeks to reply get "so many messages" - why do people still bother messaging someone who never replies?

I think there might be some psychological explanation! I’m no expert but could it be the old age “treat them mean keep them keen” type mentality?

OP posts:
everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 21:09

Mutabiliss · 31/07/2023 20:28

I take ages to respond sometimes, especially to chat rather than questions/arranging something. I just don't have the headspace or am not in the mood to think about a reply or potentially start a conversation up. My best mate's the same. We both have young children, work full time, and weeks can go by without us speaking.

Don't take it personally, if you get on in real life that's great. She'll come back to you when she's in the right mood.

But what if the OP isn't then in the right mood?

calmcoco · 31/07/2023 21:10

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:57

I don’t have headspace for chit chats most of the time but I would never ignore people that’s just rude.

Psychologically we (humans) get very annoyed when people behave in ways we don't ourselves feel 'allowed' or 'free' to do.

It isn't actually rude, many people do it, but you don't like it. This is not the right friend for you.

Accept that and focus efforts on other people who treat you the way you prefer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 21:11

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 21:09

@everywhichwaybutthetruth I'm also really surprised that people who don't reply/take weeks to reply get "so many messages" - why do people still bother messaging someone who never replies?

I think there might be some psychological explanation! I’m no expert but could it be the old age “treat them mean keep them keen” type mentality?

Because I'm worth it in person so people make the effort.

Same as my friend who is always ALWAYS late. I hate lateness but I love her. She's worth it. Last time I met her she was both late, and in the wrong place. I found a nice pub to wait in. With snacks.

Unless you are perfect, letting the little things go is a way to have more lovely people in your life. But it's OK if it's not worth it to you. There's plenty of people (including one husband) whose lateness was a straw on an overloaded camel.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 21:13

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 21:11

Because I'm worth it in person so people make the effort.

Same as my friend who is always ALWAYS late. I hate lateness but I love her. She's worth it. Last time I met her she was both late, and in the wrong place. I found a nice pub to wait in. With snacks.

Unless you are perfect, letting the little things go is a way to have more lovely people in your life. But it's OK if it's not worth it to you. There's plenty of people (including one husband) whose lateness was a straw on an overloaded camel.

Show quote history

Posting messages into a void isn't making the effort though? It sounds like weird and desperate behaviour but I can't quite picture what happens.

Do they just message you once a week inviting you out for coffee until 2 months later you say yes?

If so, that sounds less about you being 'worth it' and more about them having terribly low self esteem.

Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett but you’re responding on here! Plus we’re all strangers to you however you feel it’s okay to not respond to friends in a timely manner?

OP posts:
Mummy2022FT · 31/07/2023 21:23

I feel quite passionate about this. Yes it's absolutely rude. And I don't think it's 'normal' at all.

This woman is bullshitting you. She says she's 'busy' oh please! I bet you 99.9% her screen time is at least 2hrs per day. She's not busy, she just doesn't want to reply to you for whatever reason that is.

I had a 'friend' treat me like this. I, like you, got fed up and felt like I was being taken for a fool. I sat back and stopped making effort completely and guess what happened... friendship basically ended

Lifesapurpledream · 31/07/2023 21:28

@Anxious114tr totally agree I would just give up now as it won’t get better and will be a constant source of annoyance. I have a couple of “friends” that message and it’s the same pattern every time. They message me with how are you, let’s catch up soon etc and I go back within a day or too. Then no response for weeks. Then weeks later it’s a sorry I forgot to reply and the cycle begins again. I really hate feeling rude and want to give them the benefit of the doubt so I’ve always replied but I’ve decided this time I really have to not. I’m not talking once or twice this is about ten times now and it makes me feel like an idiot. I think it also shows they obviously never even think of me to think oh I haven’t replied. Whether they intend it or not it feels not great to be on the receiving end I think you’re right, to mentally not feel so disposable to people I’d focus on people more in line with how you behave

MistyBean · 31/07/2023 21:43

I have so many messages from people at work that I have to deal with, day in, day out. I also often get hundreds of personal WhatsApp messages a day from being in group chats. I therefore don't have the headspace to respond to all personal messages quickly. I will sometimes glance at messages but then take a while, maybe a couple of weeks, to actually articulate a reply. I don't think that's rude at all. I'm not on call in my personal life and I will respond when I have allocated time to do my "life admin." I think it's actually rude to send messages and expect immediate responses, as if we are all on call to the whim of others

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 21:47

MistyBean · 31/07/2023 21:43

I have so many messages from people at work that I have to deal with, day in, day out. I also often get hundreds of personal WhatsApp messages a day from being in group chats. I therefore don't have the headspace to respond to all personal messages quickly. I will sometimes glance at messages but then take a while, maybe a couple of weeks, to actually articulate a reply. I don't think that's rude at all. I'm not on call in my personal life and I will respond when I have allocated time to do my "life admin." I think it's actually rude to send messages and expect immediate responses, as if we are all on call to the whim of others

This is a boundary problem. I don't use my personal phone for work and I don't join group chats.

Milkmani · 31/07/2023 21:48

I agree with @MistyBean I find texts/WhatsApp really overwhelming and I take weeks to reply. Life is so busy and if you have a job dealing with emails etc I think it can make it worse. I hate receiving texts and they fill me with anxiety. Sometimes I can’t even bear to open them for a week or more. I makes me feel worse that I don’t reply and then the anxiety builds up more creating more stress around responding. I know it’s weird, I’ve tried so many times to be better and keep on top of responses but I just can’t :(

mondaytosunday · 31/07/2023 21:50

Well I wouldn't think a friend would do that, but an acquaintance maybe.
I respond to friends that day or next, as it doesn't take much even if it's to say 'got a lot of work on I'll be in touch next month'.

MistyBean · 31/07/2023 21:51

I have no boundary problems. The messages from colleagues are on work systems and are part of my job (teams messages, emails). The point is that I have to respond to a lot all day, that when I'm off work I don't always want to be at the beck and call of people, even my closest friends and family. I therefore create boundaries in my personal time by but responding asap to everyone.

Neverseenbefore · 31/07/2023 21:52

I could take weeks to reply. Often, what’s there to say? You say, she says, you say, she says… How does it end? I think it would be very demanding and oppressive to expect a reply within a day if it’s nothing urgent. I often might not open them for a while as well.

MistyBean · 31/07/2023 21:52

*by Not responding to everyone asap

Lifesapurpledream · 31/07/2023 21:53

It’s obviously just a difference in preference. I have all group chats muted or achieved and look at them when I want but personally am delighted to get 1-2-1 messages from friends and enjoy hearing from them. But reading on here some people find them a chore. I’d find people who share your preferences

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:01

I have to say, though, that non-text responders often say breezily "I just pick up the phone if I want to catch up with someone" without seemingly any knowledge that that can be extremely inconvenient for the person they are phoning.

SO, just find friends who like to communicate the way that you do, is my advice.

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