It’s normal to ignore messages for weeks

[Anxious114tr]

I’m not in a good place mentally. We moved to a new area about a year ago. I’ve been trying to slowly meet other people and establish friendships. I got along with a neighbour really well (lives 6 doors down). Thing is she doesn’t respond to messages till very late (a week later minimum) or sometimes not at all. I don’t bombard her with messages at all. In all the time I’ve known her I’ve probably sent 8 messages. The recent one was 3 weeks ago I sent her a message saying it’s nearly summer and be lovely to catch up etc. she messaged me today after 3 weeks. DH thinks it’s nothing wrong and completely normal. Just for context I respond to messages promptly, I am also very busy but I do not ignore people as I think that’s rude.

Would you respond to her or just take it as a hint she doesn’t want to be friends? The message she wrote I haven’t opened but I can see the preview it says “been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

I’m thinking for my mental health I’m just going to stop contacting people that take ridiculous amount of time to respond to me. One self help book I’ve been reading says “you teach people how to treat you”. What are your thoughts? Please be kind I’m in a bad stage of my life mentally. Surely people who are too busy to even spend 20 seconds to respond to a text are too busy to try and make friendships with so I need to stop trying.

"There is no written law stating that texts must have a prompt reply. "

When did anyone say there was? We are talking about friendship and social etiquette here not a legal test 🙄

This makes sense.
I think it seems very rude to leave it for three weeks, but perhaps they have their own reasons to be slow that are nothing to do with you or with rudeness.

You have decided they are rude because they don't meet your expectations, then if I was them I would want to contact you

I sometimes reply quickly to chitchat messages or it takes a while, sure a 'can we meet at 10am tomorrow' needs reply but chit chat is for when people want to so I don't have expensive when others reply to me

I meant to add that although I am shit at replying quickly, I will always apologise and say it's nice to hear from you and so sorry about the delay in replying etc. I overcompensate a lot too and will send chocolates or gifts. If your friend is not apologising and sounding pleased to hear from you then maybe it is rudeness and she doesn't want to meet up.

100% agree with you on this, I always reply to messages the same day and think it's very rude for people to take weeks to reply so you aren't alone there.

“I'm smiling a bit at the 'bin her' type responses when 'friends' do this to them. Um, they've already binned you. That's why they didn't respond.”

Theyve not always binned you off. I have a friend who is up for replying when it suits her She will vanish for months, ignore your texts and then re-appear asking to meet for coffee or to go on a holiday abroad somewhere. She is a kind but self-absorbed person.

oP it doesn’t sound like this neighbour is keen on a friendship with you. Sometimes people do take weeks to reply because they’re being very lazy and taking the piss basically, but other times they are sending you a message and judging by her reply it’s the latter . Her text lacked enthusiasm and any sense of being apologetic considering it was so late.

If you take that long to reply and you live near someone surely you should be able to come with a date you can meet?

On the contrary, I think it’s rude that you think you are entitled to intrude on my personal time and space and expect a reply on a timescale you think is reasonable.

I can take several days to respond to a text if it’s just a general chit chat type of thing. I’d really rather have a phone with no text function at all.

I don’t think they’re rude OP but I do think you’re incompatible for a friendship. Most or my friendships, excluding very close friends, are like this and I really enjoy the laid back approach - we are all busy with our own priorities and life can get in the way but we are all happy to pick back up when it suits us. I’d struggle to cope with a friend that expected replies on the same day and would probably feel they were being rude but realistically it’s just different approaches to friendship and I think it helps a lot to find friends with similar values.

She’s holding you at arm’s length and may be ok for a social acquaintance type thing but she’s not friend material. Treat her as such and have zero expectations. Reply in a week or two if you feel like it. Not before! Maybe ok for the odd coffee, on your terms as well as hers.

Its never just a reply though is it, its always a question that requires a response, when are you free to meet. And often I don't have the answer to that question, yet.

If you expect me to jump when you snap your fingers, you are not the friend for me. I'll respond, when I'm ready.

I have some people I’ll respond to almost immediately and others I’ll leave for weeks. My closest 5 or so friends/family who I reply to immediately are easy to reply to as they’re on the same wavelength as me communication wise, we send each other short messages and/or funny stuff almost instant message style and replying takes almost no thought whereas I have a whole bunch of not close friends / acquaintance who I take ages to reply to because they send things that are more like a little postcard and more formal. I find that puts me off and takes more time / energy so I often reply after way too long.

Are you maybe overthinking it? You’ve known this neighbour for less than a year so she’s not really a best mate. Has she lived where you are for a much longer period of time and does she have a much better established social life and less need for new friends? If you like her and get on well just reply with ‘great; let me know what works for you’ and leave it there. The more the merrier when it comes to making friends in a new area.

I agree with PPs who have said it’s not rude; just different. It’s not a reflection on you. Whilst I can see the logic of people suggesting that you only hang out with people who communicate in your preferred way - I’d argue that you’ll miss out by selecting this way. And potentially end up in an echo chamber of righteousness.

I wouldn’t leave it weeks to reply to a message but am not always an immediate respondent (especially if there’s a question in the message that I don’t have the answer to 😬) but I have deffo had people take time to reply to me and it’s never bothered me.

The exhausting thing about messaging is trying to arrange a meet up. Have you tried saying a day time and activity and just inviting her along? You could say "heading to X next Weds at 10am, would be great if you could join" see what she says.

Sorry id say it’s normal - I do this. Loads of people text me and a lot of it is just chit chat. Sometimes I’m in the mood and will reply but a lot of the time it’s overwhelming to have people who require many responses to something that isn’t just organisational. Agree with the poster who says when does it end?! Especially when it’s long chatty messages - argh!

She’s inconsiderate at worst and overwhelmed at best. It absolutely isn’t normal for someone to take weeks to reply to a msg asking to meet up - no matter how busy they are. Just stop making plans with her.

Don’t really understand all the PP saying OP is expecting an immediate reply. I didn’t see anything suggesting that? A few days is fine, but weeks on end every time? First or second time maybe benefit or the doubt they forgot or overwhelmed and maybe they weren’t thinking of you over that period to remember, but time and time again. I’d just leave it.

I also have one particular friend who takes months to reply and I suspect it’s because her relationship. Her and her boyfriend are very insular. They don’t live together but he’s always around. She rarely goes out unless it’s with him or the female relatives in he family or to her family members weddings, christenings etc . but she’s the same person who normally remembers my birthday and other special days and sends me cards/presents or calls me. She is very thoughtful, so I assume somethings going on in her relationship/life /health that makes regular contact difficult . I’ve tried to probe but she shuts down.

So basically sometimes things are not what they appear. This is a best friend I’ve known for 18 years though and I’m in no doubt that I’m one of her close friends too.

If it was someone I just met though, I would just stop asking and leave it with them to suggest when we meet. If they suggest something - great and if they never get back to you there’s your answer! I do that with flaky men too who claim they want a date but can’t seem to give me their availability. The ones who just aren’t into you will go quiet, the ones who were genuinely busy will reach out soon with a date and apologies!

I take ages. If you don't like it, don't message me.

I would drop someone like that if I were you - focus on people who make an effort back; not flakey unreliable people

How are they flakey and unreliable?

I think if people wanted to communicate they would and it is a lack of manners to not reply at least within 24-48 hours to a specific invite. Even if it’s just can I check my diary and get back to you. Or no sorry I’m not free. It takes 3-5 seconds to send a text.

I think it clearly says the person really isn’t bothered about you to be honest and if it was me and it happened twice I wouldn’t text again and let it fade.

I’m also in the position where I’m often seen as the person who organises events and catch ups so I’m more likely to text to do this first. I don’t mind doing this but only because if I text to arrange I get a reply usually saying yes within the day. If people were flaky I’d stop inviting them to catch ups. Haven’t got time for that.

This^

Also, personally I find having to respond straightaway really pressuring - introvert here though. It's not a sign that I don't like someone, more just a headspace thing. My day job requires me to be in constant communication from the moment I start work, until my shift is done and dusted. The last thing i want afterwards is more communication, regardless of the medium.

With me, if I don't answer a message right away I forget about it and it can be a while before I answer. Messages come when I am out and about, so I it can be a regular thing for me not to answer.
Maybe your neighbour is fed up with you texting and wants to distance herself slightly? It's not the right way to go about things though.

I think that the thing most people are missing here is that this is a neighbour of about a year.

That neighbour already has a fully formed life in the area, whereas OP is actively trying to make friends. Making new friends is like a relationship - you need to sort of bond and date.

OP wants friendship bonding time, this neighbour probably just thinks it's nice to get along with the new neighbour.

Yes, the speed of texting is a factor, but the relationship needs are imbalanced - OP really wants one, the neighbour has a full plate already, I guess. I wouldn't prioritise someone who lived six doors down over an existing friend.

Texting aside OP, I'd adjust your expectations for making new friendships. Not everyone will see forming the bond as importantly as you do, but that doesn't mean they're totally uninterested.