It’s normal to ignore messages for weeks

[Anxious114tr]

I’m not in a good place mentally. We moved to a new area about a year ago. I’ve been trying to slowly meet other people and establish friendships. I got along with a neighbour really well (lives 6 doors down). Thing is she doesn’t respond to messages till very late (a week later minimum) or sometimes not at all. I don’t bombard her with messages at all. In all the time I’ve known her I’ve probably sent 8 messages. The recent one was 3 weeks ago I sent her a message saying it’s nearly summer and be lovely to catch up etc. she messaged me today after 3 weeks. DH thinks it’s nothing wrong and completely normal. Just for context I respond to messages promptly, I am also very busy but I do not ignore people as I think that’s rude.

Would you respond to her or just take it as a hint she doesn’t want to be friends? The message she wrote I haven’t opened but I can see the preview it says “been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

I’m thinking for my mental health I’m just going to stop contacting people that take ridiculous amount of time to respond to me. One self help book I’ve been reading says “you teach people how to treat you”. What are your thoughts? Please be kind I’m in a bad stage of my life mentally. Surely people who are too busy to even spend 20 seconds to respond to a text are too busy to try and make friendships with so I need to stop trying.

Some people are like that, she has no intention of meeting up and is a time waster. Very rude and selfish

I feel like your posts are about me, OP! I’m in the same position as you, and same mental state it seems. Horrible, isn’t it? Any time I feel like I’m developing a good friendship with someone, it fizzles out. It seems to be so difficult to make friends, yet I know people who have friends in abundance and I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong 😩 You’re not alone xx

@rainbowboymama how u feeling now? Feel free to share your examples here. It’s tough isn’t it.

I don't think you can force a friendship or the pace of it. You can't set off thinking you only wany meaningful relationships, this develops over time. Up to you if you respond or not but if you don't then that will be that with her and you don't really know what's going on for her. So I'd do one more ' look forward to it' and leave it with her.

Definitely normal for me!

I love my friends and really love meeting new people but I am just SO busy. Multiple kids, living abroad so no childcare help, full time job, studying, and so on. I also had ADHD and other MH issues that can mean I feel overwhelmed sometimes. If I take days to reply it’s not intentional, I’m just too busy or feeling really flustered and need some time for myself. Not everything is an attack!

You've made the effort, you don't have to not be friends just switch more effort to people who are available

Why don’t you just be more direct and message her saying are you free on Tuesday for a coffee (or whatever suits). I have friends who say let’s catch up, I hate those messages, i don’t take it as an intention to do anything just a vegetal message that never seems to go anywhere. On the other hand I gave friends who message and say what days are you free next week for lunch, I find I am more responsive to those type of messages.

I sometimes take weeks to reply or sometimes don’t reply at all.

In all honesty it’s usually because I just can’t be bothered to chat. I’m not a sociable person and I don’t like being faced with “let’s meet up” messages which I then have to either agree to or make up an excuse for … so I just ignore and pretend it isn’t happening

I'm sorry you are having a tough old time, OP.

I agree with pp - respond with a like or a thumbs up and leave it to her. It may be she doesn't want to be friends, or maybe she just doesn't have time. There are lots of people I like but don't get round to developing a friendship with, just because I have lived in the same place for years....

For you, might it be an idea to try to meet people through a hobby, a class, a sport? I know people who have moved to a new area and met people through eg gym, or Meet Up groups they found online - trips to galleries or pub quizzes or historic sites? Then if friendship develops, great. And if not, you have at least done something you enjoy, met some people you share an interest with, and had some casual socialising? I've met lots of people through fitness stuff and some volunteering I do, and made a couple of "real" friends but without any pressure, and it took a while to get to the having coffee 1:1 stage, even with a shared activity to build on.

I don’t understand the posts here from those justifying not replying within say 24 hours (which is to me a reasonable time frame), when they have initiated contact in the first place. If they want to waste their own time, that’s fine, but why do it to the other person?

I mean this in the kindest possible way; have you considered that perhaps she struggles with her mental health as well? It’s very easy to appear to be the most social person ever but actually every interaction takes its toll. Sometimes it’s very easy to be on social media or to interact with casual acquaintances because you can dip in and out whenever you want. But when someone wants something from you, as you do from her, it can take a lot of energy that she might not have. You might not be seeing it because you’re largely thinking about your aim (to make new friendships) and the effect on your own mental health, without considering that other people could be having their own difficulties.

I'd ignore her from now. I think she will have a negative impact on your mental health. Find someone nicer to be friends with!

I get what you’re saying that you want meaningful friendships with other women who can be there for you and you for them. The problem is, just like dating, it might take a while to find the right people. I’ve got plenty of friends but I keep them all at arms length and dip in and out as I like as I just have neither the time or desire to have friendships like this. I’m someone who prefers casual friendships and maybe this woman is the same, I would never want to be the friend that someone relies on or shares all their problems with it’s just not for me

been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up

I would take this as a clear “back off” message tbh. So yeah just thumbs up in return and leave the ball in her court.

Generally - I wonder if you may do better approaching people who like you are quieter, not like this woman who has 1000 friends already? The quiet ones are less noticeable but might be more likely to reciprocate your efforts.

I do think it’s rude not to respond for weeks BUT it’s also a way to indicate you’re not especially interested in a friendship or relationship without actually having to say so… and that’s how I’d take it.

Sorry, OP, she’s not looking for new friends. Being friendly and getting on well may be her default setting and doesn’t reflect badly on her. I’d just give her a short response saying, lovely, no pressure but look forward to seeing you soon.

If you are really honest you did hope she would introduce you to a new group and that still may happen so no need to stay away from her just lower your expectations. Also keep up friendly exchanges with people at any opportunity, sometimes friendships can be a real slow burn.

I am frequently crap at replying to things but do feel bad about it - we have a medically complex child with minimal sleep and sometimes I feel overwhelmed juggling everything. That being said, I suppose I probably attract similar people - I have friends that also take weeks/months to reply and I know those are the friends I have some wiggle room with, who will understand and not be hurt by it. And when we do message (usually FB), it's more of a proper catch up note. Proper questions in texts I'd reply to in a day because any longer does feel rude to me, and I am aware of which friends I do need to respond to more quickly.

All this to say, I think it really does depend on the person and most likely it isn't a reflection on you at all. Given what she said in her last message though and how you're feeling in general, it might be better just to leave it for now and see if she comes back to you. Sorry you're having a rough time. Trying to make friends in a new place is really hard

Oh jeez, you would hate me! I am one of those people and I'm always late too. Between 3 kids and a full time job, I don't have the mental capacity to put together a long essay response straight away, however, neither do my friends either so there's no expectations on either side as we both know life is busy. Doesn't mean we don't care or love one another. In fact we laugh and say it's 5-7 working day response times! The issue is you and your friend aren't on the same wavelength so she's probably not the right friend for you.

I've shared this before... I have many work colleagues, people PAID to interact with me. Who ignore my emails for weeks or months or forever. So I have no hopes on casual chitchat messaging being reciprocated.

Keep looking, OP. You'll find someone else to connect with.

If she’s a mum of young kids I’d say this is totally normal! I am one and so are many of my friends and we are all totally on a week’s turnaround time at least 😂. It’s not about ignoring, it’s meaning to and then forgetting amid the total chaos, basically.

But separately, her message doesn’t sound that keen tbh.

This would be fine but I have a friend who takes months to reply. It's like I'm a very very very last thought.

Definitely normal for me and my pals (when it’s just general chit chat). We can read each others messages, leave it on read, come back to it and reply when we’re ready and no one is offended. I love that.
We all have kids and work. Sometimes when you get the occasional 5 mins to yourself there’s more pressing matters to do than ‘chit chat’. Just my input x

A couple of my fiends and I can sometimes take a couple of months to reply to each other, I wouldn’t take it personally! Life gets in the way.

I hate when people don’t respond to messages for weeks. My SIL is terrible for this.

Personally I think it is very rude as I respond to messages as soon as in can. Even chit chat ones as it’s just polite

All these people who don’t have time to respond because they are so busy, but have time to come on MN 🤔
How long does it take to write ‘really busy at the moment, will love to see you when I have more time?