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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s normal to ignore messages for weeks

126 replies

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 20:15

I’m not in a good place mentally. We moved to a new area about a year ago. I’ve been trying to slowly meet other people and establish friendships. I got along with a neighbour really well (lives 6 doors down). Thing is she doesn’t respond to messages till very late (a week later minimum) or sometimes not at all. I don’t bombard her with messages at all. In all the time I’ve known her I’ve probably sent 8 messages. The recent one was 3 weeks ago I sent her a message saying it’s nearly summer and be lovely to catch up etc. she messaged me today after 3 weeks. DH thinks it’s nothing wrong and completely normal. Just for context I respond to messages promptly, I am also very busy but I do not ignore people as I think that’s rude.

Would you respond to her or just take it as a hint she doesn’t want to be friends? The message she wrote I haven’t opened but I can see the preview it says “been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

I’m thinking for my mental health I’m just going to stop contacting people that take ridiculous amount of time to respond to me. One self help book I’ve been reading says “you teach people how to treat you”. What are your thoughts? Please be kind I’m in a bad stage of my life mentally. Surely people who are too busy to even spend 20 seconds to respond to a text are too busy to try and make friendships with so I need to stop trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 22:03

@Lifesapurpledream i agree. I find it strange the sane people who are saying they don’t respond to messages for weeks have responded to an online forum to a complete stranger! So they have time to sit on their phones on mumsnet responding to strangers BUT zero time for people they actually know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 22:03

*same

OP posts:
Mummy2022FT · 31/07/2023 22:04

Yes me too. Anyone that says they don't have the "headspace" (hear this one a lot) to reply to a friend within the space of a month is more than likely suffering from poor mental health in one way or another. (As much as people hate to admit) Simply sending an (informal) text should not be such a mental challenge. Just to put it into perspective. It's not you.

Neverseenbefore · 31/07/2023 22:04

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 22:03

@Lifesapurpledream i agree. I find it strange the sane people who are saying they don’t respond to messages for weeks have responded to an online forum to a complete stranger! So they have time to sit on their phones on mumsnet responding to strangers BUT zero time for people they actually know?

It has nothing to do with time, though. That’s not why people don’t reply.

CantFindTheBeat · 31/07/2023 22:09

I respond to messages promptly too, OP.

You've sent her a WhatsApp, not a flipping letter!

It's not nice to keep you hanging.

How many of the messages has she actually initiated? If it's mainly you doing the running, you might be best accepting that she likes you but she's not that sociable, and putting your time into better friendships x

Lifesapurpledream · 31/07/2023 22:11

@Anxious114tr yes I’m sure their screen time no better than anyone else’s. It’s a choice and that’s fine. At least this thread has opened my eye a bit as people obviously put replying in same category as doing some tedious task. The thing is with the people who do it to me is - they message first and initiate and then don’t reply. It’s so odd why bother in the first place.

CruCru · 31/07/2023 22:11

Honestly? Does this person make you feel good about yourself? Do you have a nice time with them?

If she leaves you hanging for three weeks then I am going to guess the answer is no. It’s hard work writing messages into a void. It doesn’t feel good or worthwhile.

I tend to think that if this person was mega keen or wanted to impress you, she would reply a bit faster. It doesn’t have to be on the same day but it should be within three days.

Mummy2022FT · 31/07/2023 22:13

@Lifesapurpledream people will do this as a form of validation

CalmDownBoris72 · 31/07/2023 22:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:21

I am useless, actually useless at responding to messages and it takes m ages sometimes. No relation to how much I actually like the person, rather how much mental space I have left. I have ADHD.

However, I would take her at her word and respond, "let me know!" and then leave it alone. She either does or doesn't want to and if she does, she needs to arrange it.

Same and I have ADHD. I discussed it with my psychiatrist and she actually described why it is ADHD people often do this but I can’t remember what she said 🤔.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:16

I think the way she has responded to you speaks volumes, op

"“been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

No, "so lovey to hear from you"

"sorry but life has been hectic"

In fact, there is no acknowledgement of you in there at all.

Just her own self absorption with herself and her assumption that you will be free to be picked up when it suits her.

Bin her.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:17

CalmDownBoris72 · 31/07/2023 22:14

Same and I have ADHD. I discussed it with my psychiatrist and she actually described why it is ADHD people often do this but I can’t remember what she said 🤔.

Show quote history

I have ADHD and we don't all do this.

I don't want to be lumped into this category of self absorption.

CalmDownBoris72 · 31/07/2023 22:21

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:17

I have ADHD and we don't all do this.

I don't want to be lumped into this category of self absorption.

Show quote history

Ok, I didn’t say that hence the ‘often’ 🙂

goldcheese · 31/07/2023 22:21

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:16

I think the way she has responded to you speaks volumes, op

"“been very busy. I will let you know when I’m free to meet up”.

No, "so lovey to hear from you"

"sorry but life has been hectic"

In fact, there is no acknowledgement of you in there at all.

Just her own self absorption with herself and her assumption that you will be free to be picked up when it suits her.

Bin her.

This ^

I generally respond to messages the same day, if I am crazy busy or in a life crisis it might take me two days and then there will be an apology for the delay.

This person's approach is already making you feel bad and she doesn't sound like someone who has space in her life for a new friendship at the moment. I learned to walk away from inconsistent friends who don't make the effort because it just makes me feel sad. Best to focus on the sincere ones.

Amniceandgenuine · 31/07/2023 22:22

I reply to messages fairly promptly but occasionally I have read a message and am busy and then forget to reply. I also sometimes type a reply and forget to press send !

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:25

CalmDownBoris72 · 31/07/2023 22:21

Ok, I didn’t say that hence the ‘often’ 🙂

Show quote history

Fair, sorry

ArbitraryHaddock · 31/07/2023 22:26

Yeah. We’re all busy but we find time for what we really want. You are right, OP, we teach people how to treat us.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/07/2023 22:41

Well it's one of two things.

  1. She's rubbish at responding to messages and is the same with everyone.
  1. She has no desire whatsoever to be friends with you.

Only you will know which category she falls in to.

I'm smiling a bit at the 'bin her' type responses when 'friends' do this to them. Um, they've already binned you. That's why they didn't respond.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 22:42

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett but you’re responding on here! Plus we’re all strangers to you however you feel it’s okay to not respond to friends in a timely manner?

So there's no pressure, no consequences and I can ghost whenever I like.

I do try BTW. I can sometimes reply in the moment. But sometimes I can't.

And to the PP with ADHD. Yours maybe expresses itself differently.

PercyPigInAWig · 31/07/2023 22:50

I am similar to @MistyBean in that I have messages all day at work.
I have unread messages and voice notes from friends I like, even love, very much, I will listen and respond when I get a chance, it works for me and works for them. And if it doesn't so be it because I haven't got the headspace.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:50

arethereanyleftatall · 31/07/2023 22:41

Well it's one of two things.

  1. She's rubbish at responding to messages and is the same with everyone.
  1. She has no desire whatsoever to be friends with you.

Only you will know which category she falls in to.

I'm smiling a bit at the 'bin her' type responses when 'friends' do this to them. Um, they've already binned you. That's why they didn't respond.

"I'm smiling a bit at the 'bin her' type responses when 'friends' do this to them. Um, they've already binned you. That's why they didn't respond."

Well, exactly? As in 'bin her off and don't bother trying again' why are you smiling at the obvious?

FlickyCrumble · 31/07/2023 22:51

If you text me when I’m busy you’ll have to wait for a reply. If the reply is a yes or no you might get it same day but no one I know will just send one text and although I’m a great multi tasker of important stuff, chit chatty let’s meet up but before that send 30 messages via what’s app to arrange day and time is not high in my list.

everywhichwaybutthetruth · 31/07/2023 22:53

Ultimately, it boils down to three themes:

  • some people view social connections as a convenience to be picked up and put down whenever it suits them with no consideration or empathy for the person reaching out
  • some people will make an effort to connect even when it's hard, because they value their social connections and are able to put themselves in the shoes of someone who is being ignored
  • some people struggle to make it through the day with work and life and can't respond for that reason.
Unicorn2022 · 31/07/2023 22:57

Anxious114tr · 31/07/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett but you’re responding on here! Plus we’re all strangers to you however you feel it’s okay to not respond to friends in a timely manner?

Because chatting shit on here is completely different to needing to respond to a real life person contacting you. I am the same as this poster, I can take weeks to respond to a message. I am currently sitting on several unopened WhatsApps and texts from people I like very much, for no reason whatsoever except unexplained paralysis. What I should say is "sorry I haven't replied. The guilt of not replying is one of the first things I think about when I wake up and when I go to sleep, but I can't force myself to reply as I'm too anxious to, and then will have to get into a back and forth conversation I can't manage"

Sometimes I leave it too long to reply and just archive the message, and hope the person still speaks to me in real life.

ParisP · 31/07/2023 22:59

Phone calls I respond to immediately, emails and texts can take a few weeks, occasionally even 5 or 6 weeks. There is no written law stating that texts must have a prompt reply. I dislike messaging anyway so would rather not play message ping pong. I am a good supportive friend despite my poor texting ability

tulippa · 31/07/2023 23:08

I'll respond to messages within a day or so otherwise I'll completely forget. I don't buy the 'too busy to respond'. Everyone's busy. It takes less than a minute while you're watching TV/waiting for something to cook/on the bus or whatever. Those who take weeks should just admit they don't care about the person who messaged them enough to bother replying.