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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay for train ticket

125 replies

Menopausecrazy · 31/07/2023 13:39

Ds is 16 years old. At the moment we are having real problems with his attitude and behaviour. He wants to visit a new girlfriend that lives 30 miles away. I’ve been buying him train tickets but I can’t keep paying several times a week , especially as he is so rude. Today he is telling me he is going to visit his girlfriend. He has no money. He said he will hide in the train toilets. Apparently it’s a victimless crime. I’ve told him that it’s wrong but he could earn money from doing some jobs for me. He has declined. What should I do?

OP posts:

HoneycombBauble · 01/08/2023 19:17

A sort of aside, but what is his gf like? Is this a relationship you'd like to encourage? Does she have any 'good influence' over him?
Thus would give me a different perspective - although I wouldn't just give money to a completely rude teenager. Does HE have any redeeming features? Is this the summer after GCSEs? He's probably aimless and bored by now, they've been off for months.

Missingpop · 01/08/2023 20:05

Ffs it’s not a victimless crime we have to pay; in our train fares to cover little sods who fare dodge; as a parent you have a responsibility to report him for what he’s planning to do it’s a criminal act & he could get a record for doing it. It infuriates me that parents actually have to ask for advice when they know damned well that they’re just going to be complicit in a crime

LlynTegid · 01/08/2023 20:08

If DS when old enough to drive a car and having passed his test, went to a petrol station and did not pay for petrol, or even paid only half, what would you call him? A thief perhaps?

Same thing.

Incidentally, train toilets are often locked as out of order.

Kteeb1 · 01/08/2023 20:13

I got a job at 15 because the pocket money I got was tiny and I couldn't go out on it. You have been paying for him to go places without asking for anything in return. It's no wonder he thinks he is entitled. I agree that he may get away with jumping the ticket which wont help, so can you say if he does this then he will lose our privileges like phone or WiFi? Then reward good behavior when he doesn't go. Try to get him to do something, anything that is good like bringing his dirty washing down and praise him and buy his ticket then. Good luck

Mayhem3 · 01/08/2023 20:18

He needs to grow up.

If he wants you to pay for his train fare then he needs to be respectful and earn it by cleaning his room or something.

You are not doing him any favours by just handing over money.

If he wants to jump the train then I’d let him crack on and deal with the consequences.

Owl55 · 01/08/2023 20:20

My 15 year old Grandaughter was the same , she was never checked going or on return except once ! She gave her real name and address and got a £30 fine which increased if it wasn’t paid within so many days 🤢so it was paid for her as what can you do? It did teach her a lesson though !

doorstopper123 · 01/08/2023 21:12

Let him chance the train with no ticket.

doorstopper123 · 01/08/2023 21:13

Report him? Where? How? To the police?

Salome61 · 01/08/2023 22:11

I wonder if his girlfriend's parents would allow her to come and stay with you on a Friday/Saturday night instead?

Since you posted I've been remembering the anxiety I felt when my son got the court letter. Everyone on the rail forum said as he had the email proving he had a railcard he shoudn't have been prosecuted - it seems they decided to 'throw the book at him'.

Doone21 · 02/08/2023 08:49

As he's 16 he's still your responsibility to parent.

First give him a crash course in his rights if he gets arrested. What to expect. What police are allowed to do, etc
This alone may put fear of God into him but all kids should know this information .
Second if he breaks the law or your rules ground him, or whatever it is parents do these days. Why don't you have rules about how often he can see his girlfriend- he is just a kid?
Third why does he have to do all the travelling?

Dibbydoos · 02/08/2023 08:56

His attitude needs adjustment, but only he can adjust that. No matter what you do, you can only influence him. You also can't stop him from doing stupid things.

Be clear it's a criminal offence, that transport police and train staff are hot on this type of stuff, get caught and he'll get a fine that he'll have to work to pay off and a criminal record. See what he says.

At the end of the day, the action you've taken to not reward his bad behaviour with money is perhaps the only non-violent sanction a parent can take.

I'm hoping he comes around and carries out a few tasks for you xxx

EnthENd · 02/08/2023 09:35

I will be the contrary view. Ground him. He's not allowed to go out when you know he's going to fare dodge on the trains.

(And if he ignores the grounding, he has bigger problems.)

Because one, if he gets caught and fined and he's got no income, you'll be the mug who's stuck bailing him out. And two, if the RPO decides to go down the route of prosecution, a criminal record will make it so much harder for your DS to get a legitimate job and therefore put him at more risk of being sucked into more serious crime.

EnthENd · 02/08/2023 09:36

And if he ignores the grounding, you have bigger problems, is what I meant to type!

T1Dmama · 02/08/2023 10:43

Tell him if he gets caught and is fined and banned how will he pay the the fine? How will he get to her house then?
I think he’s just emotionally blackmailing you into paying ‘oh well I’ll just hide in the toilets then, if I get caught it’s your fault’ …. It’s your fault I have a fine/criminal record/
He probably knows that if he got fined you’d bail him out!… make it clear to him that you won’t and make him stick to it!
Tell him he’s immature and needs to grow up!… part of being mature is taking responsibility and working to buy the things he needs.
Tell him if he can’t pay the fine he may get a few months inside…. And that’s not a nice place to be. but like I say he’s emotionally blackmailing you so his attitude is that it’s your fault for not paying his ticket in the first place! he needs to grow up!

T1Dmama · 02/08/2023 10:51

EnthENd · 02/08/2023 09:35

I will be the contrary view. Ground him. He's not allowed to go out when you know he's going to fare dodge on the trains.

(And if he ignores the grounding, he has bigger problems.)

I don’t get the impression that he is the type to listen and obey his mother and except a grounding!

VinEtFromage · 02/08/2023 11:10

Explain it to him like he's 4.

Do a few jobs to get the money to ride on the train.

or don't & do lots of jobs, for a long time, to pay the fine.

Runnersandtoms · 02/08/2023 11:14

None of the stations near me have barriers and travelling one or two stops we rarely get tickets checked so I'm sure loads of people don't buy tickets. You can also buy tickets on the train so even if you get "caught" you can just buy a ticket then. I still buy tickets though...

I'm with everyone else, let him take the risk and any consequences.

Original poster

Menopausecrazy · 02/08/2023 13:04

Thanks for all responses… we live in a very rural area so no barriers. He caught the train against my wishes and feels very clever as he didn’t get stopped. To all those who suggest grounding, he goes out without my permission. I can’t stop him even when I beg him not to go. I hid his shoes once but he was so vile and started to throw things that I can’t go through this again. I’m ashamed that I don’t have any control. He was such a well behaved preteen child. He went to a good grammar school but has gone off the rails in the last year.

OP posts:

Kteeb1 · 02/08/2023 14:35

You don't have control because you're not taking control. He has behaved awfully in the past and won. So that's what you have taught him. This was a stupid thing to 'teach him a lesson' with as you knew he'd likely get away with it. I bet a million pounds you are paying for things that he wants, life a phone or contract or WiFi. I would be withholding that for a week. And every week he defies you but please start following through with your threats. He is making a mug out of you and all you are teaching him is that he can.

sunshinemode · 02/08/2023 15:48

I know you asked about the train ticket but on the bigger picture I wonder if anywhere near you runs a NVR course. It's a parenting course which is about support not blame and is about taking back control as a parent but with lots of support. Usually accessed through CAMHS, schools or social care.

JaukiVexnoydi · 02/08/2023 15:57

Menopausecrazy · 31/07/2023 13:49

No he doesn’t get a allowance as he would buy weed or vapes

Show quote history

You can get a Rooster Card for kids which gives them a card that mostly acts like a debit card but it can't be used for 18+ type purchases (alcohol, tobacco, gambling), can't be used for cash withdrawals and notifies you of each purchase, and you can easily remove funds from the card at any point. So you could use that to give a monthly allowance with the condition that you will deduct from the allowance/reduce next month's credit if there are irresponsible/immature purchases.

Yanbu to refuse to pay for loads of visits but you need to take some steps towards teaching him budgeting and financial responsibility so giving him an allowance so that he can decide how to prioritise different spends, and living with the consequences if he overspends on one thing and has nothing left fir something else he wants, is an important lesson.

whynotwhatknot · 02/08/2023 15:58

we used to do this alot but this was the 80s 90s and they just made you pay your fare on the spot

he'll get caught one day they know the trick with the toilet they just wait there till they come out

threatmatrix · 02/08/2023 20:46

No wonder he’s such a brat. You’ve been buying his tickets? Let him do what he wants and suffer the consequences.

T1Dmama · 04/08/2023 00:11

Raising teenagers must be so hard.
I dread my 12 year old changing (if she does)… but most go through a rebellious stage, hope he comes through it soon and appreciates you x

Webbing · 04/08/2023 07:14

The weed has probably caused his lowering of inhibitions and bad manners. Are you with his Dad or have you contact - you guys need to get into the same page and get going on setting some strong boundaries. He’s on a rocky road and you have to try now to steer the ship if you can onto a better path.

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