Does mumsnet make you feel better or worse?

[Shitegeist]

IBR: worse
IBU: better

when I am feeling pretty rubbish about my life I go onto mumsnet as I think it will make me feel better seeing other women’s struggles. But it actually makes me feel worse - I think the confirmation that the sorts of things I am going through are pretty shit, and also the never ending snipeyness and mean girl comments.

if I’m feeling happy I generally don’t go onto mumsnet.

maybe I should just stick to the gardening boards! Anyone else?

I find it really interesting to come on here because I sometimes can’t believe quite how differently people think about things that I have a different viewpoint on

i see troll threads and can’t believe that people are posting seriously in response to them

or all the “Oliver’s army” stuff - people getting really overinvested in someone else’s trauma (or supposed trauma). The constant checking in and need for updates etc.

Definitely worse, at the moment.

If my husband is bugging me then I gravitate to active threads on awful husbands and become convinced that he is a lying, cheating, controlling monster and I should LTB.

If I'm feeling like a drudge I go to style and beauty and can find a whole heap of opinions that I really am totally out of touch and the floral dress and trainers just make me a clone mum with no personality and style.

If I'm feeling tired and guilty that my kids are in holiday clubs then I can find a dozen people to re-enforce that view because watching TV and eating crisps in the holidays is terrible parenting and they should have at least two activities a day.

The weight loss chat can be very positive and encouraging, or totally dismissive depending on what posts you focus on.

I find if I come on in a good mood i'll find something to chuckle about. Come on in a bad mood and its like a negative spiral.

There are a few places where you find only support though. So it's worth coming back.

Depends

Neither and both, in a way. I've had some good advice (and read some written for others but indirectly helped me), and if I'm looking for a specific product or similar I usually google it with the word MN to see if it's been posted about on here!

But I've also had to step away when it's been too toxic. During 2020 I actually uninstalled the app for awhile because it was making me feel worse about pretty much everything.

I think it's a bit of both . It's great when someone in a bad way gets some great advice and they get help to find a way through. But then the pile ons and nasty comments happen even though noone knows me it feels really hurtful . Only yesterday I got damned well roasted for not wanting to downsize my home and the cheek of even having a mortgage ! even though loads of other posters were saying the same . I think those type of posters are just out to take someone down , they are probably weak as water in real life .

I enjoy it, but the financial threads make me feel depressed, poor and failing, despite being a professional. Nearly everyone seems to earn over 100 grand or don't have mortgages. I need to stop reading them. Comparison is the thief of joy I suppose.

@SouthLondonMum22

Sometimes I do despair at some of the views and feel like I've time travelled back to the 1950's.

Yep. The threads which do personally upset me very much are the ones where women who work are told "you'll never get the time back", "no one on their deathbed ever wished they'd worked more" and "you'll regret farming your kids out to childcare". Usually in that order.

The lack of ability to read a room in an environment where the vast majority of women work either for their financial security or their wellbeing and mental health, and often amid significant anxiety about their children, is breathtakingly unkind. Those threads depress the hell out of me but I feel I have to speak up because they are frequently so incredibly offensive to working women.

It has to be said in the interest of fairness some posters are also quite unkind about SAHMs as well. I question the empathy and intelligence of people who tell SAHMs they want to go out to work so they can "use their brain". It's pretty tone deaf to suggest that women who care for children, either professionally or at home, don't use their brain.

The WOHM/SAHM threads sometimes go around in circles and become pretty spiteful and I usually have to step away after a while but I will always call out destructive or unkind cliches about the situations women find themselves in to raise their children.

No it doesn't make me feel worse. I think you need to remember infact we all do that you can unfollow a thread/not join a particular thread and just stop responding to an argument. It's always a race to the bottom on here.

I wouldn’t worry. There’s a hell of a lot of bullshitters on here.

@Thepeopleversuswork

155k women earning over £100k isn’t that many relative to the population and not everyone will be on MN. I know people often name change, but almost every time I read a thread that mentions someone’s salary, it’s very close to or above £100k. If it’s not them it’s their husband! Very rarely I see one where someone mentions they earn an average or below average wage.

Worse overall.
If I could stick to factual threads about education, style and beauty, holidays, etc. then it's great. And occasionally there are really funny threads.
But the number of threads where people pile onto the OP (or sometimes some poor hapless poster) and just set out to dig the boot in, makes me very sad.
And I get maddened by the people who don't read the full thread before posting! I know it's a small thing in the grand scheme of things but I do wish I could just block those posters.

It makes me grateful for the people I surround myself with.

It makes me relieved for my marriage in that my husband and I share tasks so much more equally than many on here.

It also broadens my mind. I don’t know anyone with kids with SEN for example so I have learnt a lot about that from here.

It can make me feel angry sometimes but I have to say during lockdown with my first baby, I found it so much more helpful than any NHS resource or staff member.

Yes! We've been on a few of those threads together and you are very often one of the few who speak any sense.

I agree that some people can be unkind about SAHM's too but the difference to me is that they aren't asked why they bothered having children and it isn't implied or outright said that they just don't love their children enough or don't have a strong bond with them. The comments are much worse.

My 'favourite' personal comment was someone calling me sick for putting my baby in nursery. Thankfully, it rolls off my back easily but that might not be the case for the next person.

Oh, another thing, it makes me feel absolutely hopeless about men and ever being in a happy relationship again 😂

It makes me feel worse generally just because I could achieve so much more if I didn't spend so much time here!

I do get less involved in threads than I used to, mostly because so many end up being deleted so what's the point?

But I still think there are loads of kind helpful people on here, they're just usually on topics other than AIBU/Chat etc.

It's been hugely helpful when the intelligent kind posters post...

Obviously when the other post... No.

OK, well, I'm being entirely honest here -- though, obviously, I have no way of providing proof, so it's meaningless to anyone who is disinclined to believe me.

I did go to Oxford, and I went to Oxford as a working-class kid from a school that barely had anyone go to university (this was in the 1990s), far less Oxbridge. It can be done. I'm not brilliant and I was chippy and intimidated at the interview. I was also stubborn and very interested in my subject, and they took a punt on me. I have four degrees, all funded on scholarships. I earned just over 100k last year (not living in the UK, so am translating euros into sterling), though it varies annually as part of my income is variable. I have one child who is clever (but lazy), and still in primary, so no significant exam results as 'proof'. DH has a big job, and earns far more than I do, but does all the cooking and shopping, and a lot of the drop-offs and pick-ups/general parenting stuff, because why wouldn't he? I am deeply normal, in no way the most successful of my friends, not a 'perfect parent', don't have a 'perfect marriage', and I don't 'have my shit together' to any extent. I was raped as a child, and I'm in therapy dealing with stuff that still affects me as a result. A lot of my life in general is complex and messy.

It's not about whether you believe me or not, because obviously, we're strangers on the internet, and I could be anyone!

But what is interesting is the desire to disbelieve this stuff. I mean, feel free to think I'm making this up, but why be so invested in disbelieving it? Does someone else earning 100k really make you feel worse about yourself to the point where you really want to think people are inventing salaries, because it's that incredible?

@SouthLondonMum22

I agree that some people can be unkind about SAHM's too but the difference to me is that they aren't asked why they bothered having children and it isn't implied or outright said that they just don't love their children enough or don't have a strong bond with them. The comments are much worse.

I totally agree. I've been on the receiving end of some unbelievably spiteful posts like this. I think unfortunately women on both ends of this debate sometimes feel ganged up on or looked down upon by the other "tribe" and become very defensive.

But I do think suggesting women who work to support their children don't love their children is about as toxic as you can get. There's obviously the blatant sexism of it (in that no man who works has ever been faced with this accusation). But above all it's just really unkind.

I think the nature of it has really changed. I searched for a subject recently and a thread from 2006 came up and what I noticed was that the woman got a lot of detailed, careful and kind advice about a family issue invoking both a DH and their children. Now the same thread would have had tons of people yelling about abuse and saying the person had damaged their children or that they should leave their DH or that the woman should leave the DH and break up the family.
Note this was nothing to do with DV or DA or anything like that.
There's no nuance on here anymore, and therefore 99 per cent of the advice is bullshit and ignored (I suspect) by anyone who seeks it

It has really helped me feel better on many occasions. I’ve posted a couple of times about health things I was freaking out about and which turned out to be nothing, and lots of posters helped to calm me down and reassure me. Also so useful on things like money/property/work questions.

There are some really horrible posters though who revel in kicking people when they’re down and you wonder how sad and angry they must be IRL.

When I am concerned about something, coming on here usually makes the concern worse. Yet I still come back and send my anxiety through the roof 🙃.

Me too.

Oh yeah, absolutely. The truth of the matter is, working mother or SAHM, we all love our children and it is easy to get defensive when it is implied or outright said that we aren't doing what is best for them.

I think there's probably been a lot of polarisation on MN since 2006, mirroring the broader polarisation in our society and this affects people's intent when engaging with posts.

There are certain topics which come up on here (Brexit/trans/breastfeeding/working mums) which I automatically know will be a bunfight before clicking on them and I know that after 6 or 7 pages they will have largely degenerated into name calling. Sometimes you have to weigh in anyway (and if I'm honest, sometimes I enjoy it) but it rarely is constructive.

I dare say there have always been debates which polarise opinion but I feel there are a lot more "dog whistle" threads these days which people who are vaguely angry will jump onto feet first with their opinions, as opposed to calmly reading the OP and coming to a measured response.