Does mumsnet make you feel better or worse?

[Shitegeist]

IBR: worse
IBU: better

when I am feeling pretty rubbish about my life I go onto mumsnet as I think it will make me feel better seeing other women’s struggles. But it actually makes me feel worse - I think the confirmation that the sorts of things I am going through are pretty shit, and also the never ending snipeyness and mean girl comments.

if I’m feeling happy I generally don’t go onto mumsnet.

maybe I should just stick to the gardening boards! Anyone else?

People keep saying that. I’m interested. Do you think it’s random people just making things up for a laugh, or something else ?

Yes, that’s exactly what I think. There’s been talk on other sites of people admitting doing it.

Also, often it just doesn’t add up or the tone seems odd. Lots of attention seekers. Some people are just lonely. Regardless, of the reasons, I’d say lots is made up on AIBU, sex board, chat etc. Some board are very supportive and genuine though.

I think as per any form of interactive social media it brings out both the best and worst in people.

Neither, really, but I don't use it as a place for support, more for information / knowledge (e.g. FWR) and entertainment of a sort when I'm bored or can't sleep, at which point I might look for a good bunfight on a subject I'm not particularly invested in, or dip into Classics for some old funny threads.

I've learned enough about both myself and this site over the years to recognise that if I'm feeling a bit low or struggling at all, that's a sign to step away from social media and the internet in general, rather than seek support from it.

It depends. Mostly on where you post (or read) and who replies. When I have posted (or read other poster's threads) on the parenting board, relationship board or bereavement boards I've seen extremely thoughtful, helpful and compassionate replies. It's really good to know how many people take take time out and make an effort to write helpful replies.

Aibu can be interesting and entertaining but also infuriating or saddening when you see arsehole replies, or racist or otherwise intolerant replies.

Yes, I'm interested in the culture of disbelief on here, too, and in what precisely seems to be singled out for disbelief (which often seems to centre on income and having a spouse or partner who isn't a porn-guzzling Neanderthal who cooks, cleans and looks after the children?)

I mean, I suppose I come on here because it gives little insights into how people actually think under their social surfaces, their approaches to things like friendships, happiness, the world of work, relationships, relations with family, social class, money etc, and also, maybe more interestingly, their assumptions about what is 'normal' in relation to these, which I think are much less censored than in RL.

There are things that I genuinely only encounter on Mn as well (I don't know anyone in RL who is so obsessively concerned with the cleanliness of their house, who has even a concept of 'visitor-ready', who thinks that being a SAHP is a 'fortunate' or 'lucky' thing -- to mention only a couple that immediately come to mind), but I have no doubt that these people are as real as I am.

I do have an intelligent, grounded friend who says she found that MN was bad for her MH, that the numerous threads criticising people's parenting, or about children misbehaving in public etc made her feel appallingly self-conscious about being in the supermarket with her autistic sons, so she stopped using Mn because it made her feel worse about herself.

Some posts are obvious “troll posts “and clearly made up-
They usually disappear fast.
You get a sense for these quite fast.

What is a shame is that peeing good intent try to advise, or share similar stories, and then the post gets pulled.

We aren’t allowed to “ Troll hunt”
but people show their doubts as to the veracity by putting a biscuit 🍪 emoji in there.

I use it when I am bored, overall I would say it makes me feel worse, all the threads about people with shit abusive partners or struggling with money and/parenting make me feel sad. Then there’s the toxic threads full of judgmental angry posters and I find there’s sometimes borderline homophobic posts as well or posts/threads attacking donor conceived kids which as a lesbian going down that route just make me feel really sad. I really shouldn’t come on here tbh! But when you’re bored it’s quite entertaining.

Edit: People not peeing!
it’s raining on my screen.

If most of the stuff on here were to be believed it would make me feel worse.

Everyone is an Oxbridge graduate on a 6 figure salary in a very successful professional career, children are very gifted academically getting consistent 9’s at GCSE etc, perfect parenting. People paint these perfect lives where they’ve got their shit together that could easily make someone normal like the rest of us feel like a failure 😂 but as we all know people bullshit!

Oh and let’s not forget the ‘’I managed 2 degrees while working full time and being a single mum’’ people. 😂 competitive achievement or what!?

It actually makes me feel better about myself although that's not the reason I go on mumsnet (was originally here for information on baby milestones etc, stayed for the entertainment). Reading from the relationships board (when things pop up in trending) makes me eternally grateful that I am in healthy happy relationship with a wonderful supportive man who is a great father! I never realised there were so many knobends out there!

Some of the threads make me cry. (Pregnant)

It doesn't make me feel better or worse to be honest.

It's taught me a lot about SEND though and for that I'm grateful.

Other than that it just makes me eye-roll more than my Optician would recommend.

Me too! I would like to bet that at least 50% is fantasy and I also find myself wondering what the other dreadful person's version would be, especially MILs!

@MardaNorton

Yes, I'm interested in the culture of disbelief on here, too, and in what precisely seems to be singled out for disbelief (which often seems to centre on income and having a spouse or partner who isn't a porn-guzzling Neanderthal who cooks, cleans and looks after the children?)

Yeah I do think this is very significant (and quite depressing) and it's right here on this thread in @JudgeRinderonTinder's post: more or less a textbook example.

Specifically, a lot of people have a really hard time believing that women can earn high salaries. If someone posts that they earn £100k plus, for example, a bunch of people will suggest that they are lying. Why do people assume that a woman who claims to earn a high salary is automatically lying?

What would be the motive or the benefit of pretending to earn more than you do to a bunch of people you will probably never meet or even know their identity?

The reason I think this matters is that I think it's really important for women, collectively to at least believe in the potential for female self-advancement. Yes of course one or two people will bullshit. But the idea that its impossible for women to be financially self-sufficient and well remunerated is quite a negative one. And I think tearing people down if they claim to be highly paid is quite a negative message.

Both. Depending on the boards you visit. The questions you ask etc.

mumsnet has helped me a lot but other times Ives been battered.

Yes I think there is a lot of rubbish spoken, but also some thought provoking posts.
It has made me change my mind on some issues and I have certainly become more aware of feminist concerns by being a member.

It’s not that I disbelieve people earn £100k+, it’s the sheer number of people who claim they do. It doesn’t seem to add up. It’s not just about money either, you get posters who make out their lives are absolutely picture perfect.

Theoretically, people should be more honest on an anonymous forum but equally, anonymity lends itself well to those wanting to fantasise about the life they wish they had, to take on a different identity.

It depends on the topic area I suppose, but people can be whoever they want online

Both. It depends on the day really.

I enjoy the discussions, especially when it comes to important topics such as feminism but I also try not to take things on here seriously.

Sometimes I do despair at some of the views and feel like I've time travelled back to the 1950's.

lol. Yeah I did see one the other day about a scruffy neighbour the op was so embarrassed of in front of visitors. That was really funny

I like passing the time here. I never start threads though, and I hide any I'm on that descend into a toxic quagmire.

@JudgeRinderonTinder

It’s not that I disbelieve people earn £100k+, it’s the sheer number of people who claim they do. It doesn’t seem to add up. It’s not just about money either, you get posters who make out their lives are absolutely picture perfect.

There's certainly a fair bit of image massaging on here, but I don't think that's entirely fair.

According to an article in the Independent (from 2016) there are over 155k women in the UK who earn over £100k pa (and obviously that's now out of date). Given that MN is heavily dominated by women in London and in professions and media it seems perfectly feasible to me that a proportion of women on the site could earn over £100k pa.

The one area where I do think people tend to be ridiculously fantasist is on relationships boards when someone will post that their DH is a lazy, borderline alcoholic who is out every Friday night until 5am, doesn't get out of bed until noon at weekends and does nothing to help around the house but in the same breath is always "a Great Dad!". No he's not, he's a fucking waste of space.

I treat it as entertainment. There’s so many trolls about that I take every thread with a pinch of salt.
The worst thing to do is to get emotionally involved with any of it.