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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that stat of 49% of women climax every time can’t be right?

150 replies

Potatomashed · 31/07/2023 08:03

Just read this DM article… AIBU that stat that the most unsatisfied women still report 49% climax every time must be a skewed sample?

I don’t have any issues alone but have never climaxed through PIV with any partner… I can’t be that unusual?

YABU- I climax more often than not
YANBU- i climax less that 49% of the time

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12354441/Want-longer-orgasms-Peak-District-women-Sheffield-climax-15-5-seconds-wary-Belfast-thats-youre-likely-left-unsatisfied.html

Want longer orgasms? Move to the Peak District

Women in Sheffield reported enjoying the longest orgasms in the UK as well as a high frequency of orgasms, at 60 per cent of times from sex with a partner, it reveals.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12354441/Want-longer-orgasms-Peak-District-women-Sheffield-climax-15-5-seconds-wary-Belfast-thats-youre-likely-left-unsatisfied.html

OP posts:
ChesterAndRaoul · 31/07/2023 21:40

Always orgasm through PIV, multiple times usually with my current partner, it would be unusual if it was only once.

Not really a massive fan of foreplay though, as whilst I usually orgasm at least once it's just not as good, and probably only because my current partner is very good.

I'm lucky, have been very lucky to have had sexual partners that I've been compatible with in that way.

okiedokie1 · 31/07/2023 21:46

The stat isn't that all women climax 49% of the time. It is that 49% of women climax every time.
And there is no mention of PIV being the route to that climax

AllHopeandRainbows · 31/07/2023 21:51

No don’t apologise haha thanks 😊

AllHopeandRainbows · 31/07/2023 21:52

Sorry that was in reply to @SookMaDook wouldn’t let me reply for some reason

Anothermam · 31/07/2023 21:53

It happens for me 99% of the time but only once and then I'm done. Bit like a man really!

Redlarge · 31/07/2023 21:55

I dont

AllHopeandRainbows · 31/07/2023 21:57

@NorseKiwi in answer to:
”Just out of interest, if you find it hard to achieve orgasm with a partner, lets say without a vibrator, what do you think binds you sexually to keep the relationship alive and connected?”

When I use a clitoral stimulator I use it in the same way as I would my finger or my DH uses the toy on me, all whilst still enjoying penetrative sex. I’m not sure why you think that would mean the relationship isn’t alive or connected?
To clarify, we still have very kinky, earth shattering sex very often. We just happen to use a small toy to get me there whilst we are at it. It’s really not massively different in terms of intimacy. It’s also exciting for us to bring new toys into the bedroom and something we enjoy together which is very intimate.
We have been together since we were 16 so definitely no issues with keeping it alive. Sex seems to get better and better for us as we get older and especially so since I had the confidence to admit I don’t actually climax during sex without help from a toy.

Darcy86 · 31/07/2023 22:24

Not having a lot of sex ATM as I'm pregnant and sex drive has taken a bit of a back seat, but just adding my 2p worth, I get there probably 99% of the time with my husband as long as I'm on top. I could definitely get there in other positions too but he can control himself better in that position to ensure I come first! I think the type of orgasm I have in that position is a mixed one as there is definitely a bit of external stimulation that adds to the whole thing (not just clit but nips as well...makes all the difference! Sorry if TMI 😂) and it's definitely much stronger than just having a clitoral one.

I've never been able to come through penetrative sex with any other partner, only foreplay. No wonder I married this one!

donkra · 31/07/2023 22:49

Always get there, usually multiple times. I do come from PIV in the right positions, but I've nearly always come at least once already by the time we get to that. On the rare, rare occasion that DH didn't get me off before penetrative sex and I also didn't come during the penetrative sex, he takes care of that right away.

It does depress and mystify me how many women are putting up with shit sex with men who don't even try to get them there, or who say "I just enjoy the intimacy". Yeah, the intimacy and trust and closeness and all that jazz are lovely, but we express those things in other ways too, whereas I find sex, you know, sexually exciting, and I don't want to be left frustrated partway there!

EBearhug · 01/08/2023 02:01

AllHopeandRainbows · 31/07/2023 21:26

And anyway, a quick Google suggests that actually it’s a myth that you can “desensitise” yourself by using vibrators. You just become accustomed to a certain “way” to climax. In the same way most people do with or without a sex toy anyway I’d imagine.

I disagree with Google. After going back to a vibrator after a lot of time with a human partner, I found it way too intense except on its lower setting; previous to partner, when it got a lot of use, I usually needed it on its highest setting.

Either way, I like something to grip on when I cum, so PIV works for me, but I think I'm lucky in that respect - men seem to think so, anyway. They get to benefit from me having a good time, anyway, and they don't get repeats if they're crap.

Goldencup · 01/08/2023 06:07

EBearhug · 01/08/2023 02:01

I disagree with Google. After going back to a vibrator after a lot of time with a human partner, I found it way too intense except on its lower setting; previous to partner, when it got a lot of use, I usually needed it on its highest setting.

Either way, I like something to grip on when I cum, so PIV works for me, but I think I'm lucky in that respect - men seem to think so, anyway. They get to benefit from me having a good time, anyway, and they don't get repeats if they're crap.

As I said up thread I come most reliably and intensely from PIV, I have never been able to get on with a vibrator, it is too intense and sort of irritating. I used my fingers or a hair brush handle in my younger days. I rarely mastebate now and find it hard to come and unsatisfying.

AllHopeandRainbows · 01/08/2023 08:11

EBearhug · 01/08/2023 02:01

I disagree with Google. After going back to a vibrator after a lot of time with a human partner, I found it way too intense except on its lower setting; previous to partner, when it got a lot of use, I usually needed it on its highest setting.

Either way, I like something to grip on when I cum, so PIV works for me, but I think I'm lucky in that respect - men seem to think so, anyway. They get to benefit from me having a good time, anyway, and they don't get repeats if they're crap.

Ok maybe I should’ve worded it differently but you cannot permanently desensitise yourself from using vibrators.
Yes you may become accustomed to it, but if you stop using it for a period of time you will feel more sensitive with other stimulations again.

SlimmerTwins · 01/08/2023 08:16

I logged in to vote, and was interested to see the voting pattern, exactly 50-50 when I looked. I've not read all/many of the posts but it seems people understand the question in a few different ways?

Even if some posts have trolls/mansplainers MN is a great source of personal experience on many topics you'd have limited chance to ask in RL. I could have such a discussion with maybe 2 or 3 people at most, here in this thread many many more replies, with some supporting context and nuances.

PieRSquared · 01/08/2023 08:53

I do wonder about these types of surveys with respect to realistic sampling of population, scientific validity, etc. But some things did resonate with me: Women aged 45 to 54 had the most frequent orgasms ... that could make sense in that you are experienced, and probably with a partner who knows what to do by that stage.

Based on the linked article I'm happy I don't live in Belfast :)

Some of the earlier posts about never having had an orgasm are interesting. That must be so strange to go through life like that. I wonder what the root cause(s) of such an issue are. Is it just no knowing what to do youself? Is it the partner? Is it medical/physiological? Is it a social issue such as religious upbringing? Could it be caused by childhood trauma?

EBearhug · 01/08/2023 09:10

Some of the earlier posts about never having had an orgasm are interesting. That must be so strange to go through life like that.

It wouldn't be that strange, because it would be all you've ever known. Yes, it was commented upthread that sometimes you feel surrounded by orgasms on TV etc, which is a change from when we were younger, because such things didn't happen on TV. But for your own experience, it's not necessarily different from something like not being able to touch your toes or curl your tongue - you know others can, but you can't. Maybe with practice, you would eventually reach your toes, but most days, you wouldn't even think about it.

SoftParade · 01/08/2023 09:27

@EBearhug I'd not consider it something like touching toes. I'd consider it a key part of sex for me — it can make women feel good and strengthens bonds between partners.

(I've not read the thread) But assuming you are speaking from experience, your comment in also an interesting insight, and suggesting that it's just due to physical differences between women.

EBearhug · 01/08/2023 10:08

@SoftParade I'm not speaking from experience, as I'm highly orgasmic, so I could be wrong. But if you're aphantasic, or have no internal monologue, it's very difficult to imagine how people who have them think, and vice versa, yet everyone gets along, even though our brains clearlywork differently.

I should have thought that it's much more difficult if you have orgasmed, and then meds or something stops you, than if you never had them. But even then, we are all different, and while orgasms are an integral part of some people's sex lives, they're not everyone's, and some people will be frustrated by it, and others less so. You don't have to be on MN for very long to see threads that show that there's a huge range of sexual appetites; some might be the result of parenting small children, or a crap and inconsiderate lover, or the throes of a new relationship, but a lot of it is internal differences as well as life circumstances. There needs to be more research into female sexual physiology and experiences, but it seems clear we are not all the same, either physiologically or mentally. (This is a good thing. How dull would life be eithout variety?)

Once you're in your 50s, not even all men come every time, and while it is clearly frustrating for some (especially with ED,) others seem less bothered. They are usually good at asking for what works for them, though. (I spent an active year on OLD...) I suspect that while some women will be good at asking, many of us will have learnt not to put our needs first, and are not as good at asking for it, or may have never yet discovered what they really need to have the best sex for them.

TorviShieldMaiden · 01/08/2023 10:44

I suppose I ‘put up with it’ because I realise that the ‘fault’ is with me. Because of medication and past abuse, it is me that finds it harder and put a mental block on it. Not him. And it’s my fault for lying, even though he’s lovely’s

And I do still enjoy sex. Just wish I could be honest with him.

PavlovsDoggie · 01/08/2023 14:20

The vote is close to 50-50. Luckily I live closer the Sheffield than to Belfast.

@TorviShieldMaiden I don't think you should think of it in terms of fault. As a few other posters mentioned it (for some of us) can be a complex topic with a lots of interelated dependencies. A few years ago I read the Nagoski book "Come as you are: The Surprising New Science". It's 4+ stars on Amazon with 8000+ reviews. I found it a very interesting read, and shared it with DH too.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

goldfootball · 01/08/2023 14:32

I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner - through any means - but it’s never bothered me. It would be nice to but I think it’s emotional rather than mechanical and I cant be arsed to ‘do the work’ around that. Just really enjoy having sex anyway.

Graasspp · 01/08/2023 14:33

I always do from PIV but only in missionary

goldfootball · 01/08/2023 14:35

I’ve had really good sex with some of the guys I’ve not had an orgasm with too. It’s definitely me not them. I think it would take a lot of therapy to get to the bottom of it and it doesn’t seem worth the effort tbh.

Wahwahwahwahwah · 01/08/2023 14:37

Omg I feel embarrassed to ask but wth is PIV? It sounds like a disease 😬!
I orgasm when we have (penetrative) sex usually. Is that what PIV is?

WeWereInParis · 01/08/2023 14:42

Wahwahwahwahwah · 01/08/2023 14:37

Omg I feel embarrassed to ask but wth is PIV? It sounds like a disease 😬!
I orgasm when we have (penetrative) sex usually. Is that what PIV is?

Yes, Penis In Vagina

Wahwahwahwahwah · 01/08/2023 14:45

@WeWereInParis thank you. I felt a bit like I did when I was 8 and pretended I knew what the word "lesbian" meant by asking then. Embarrassed by my un-wordlyness 😂

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