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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living with in-laws but want my own home to start a family AIBU?

95 replies

Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:17

I am married living with DH parents. I am struggling mentally, emotionally and physically. I am from a different culture to my DH and do not speak his native language (I have tried) which means I am unable to communicate with his parents who speak limited english. I feel trapped and confined to our bedroom, I do not feel at home and have tried to settle here for 1.5years but still remain unhappy which my DH knows. He wishes for us to remain here as culturally he is expected to live with his parents for the rest of his life, so the mention of us having our own home he is guilt tripped by in-laws. Me on the other hand, I want my own home, sanity, privacy, and a s*x life (which is minimal thanks to listening in laws who also do not respect not walking into the bedroom without permission)! We have spoke of kids, but I cannot bring myself to come off birth control knowing how unhappy I am, and how interfering his parents would be especially MIL who already tries to baby and mother my DH and undermine me as a wife. my husband thinks living here to have children is the "correct" thing because his mom can care for our baby - I disagree as I will be mom, and do not feel comfortable at the thought of my MIL taking over my role criticising me/raising my child. AIBU asking to move out and have our own home before trying for a baby & not coming off birth control till we do?

OP posts:
BurntWindowcleaner · 30/07/2023 22:19

Didn’t you discuss all this before you got married?

itsmylife7 · 30/07/2023 22:21

Your marriage is pretty much over OP.

Pashazade · 30/07/2023 22:21

Did you know his feelings on this before you got married? Or did he say all the right things and you thought this wouldn't be permanent? I'm afraid I would be staying unless we move elsewhere we will be getting divorced. It sounds awful and you need this situation to end for your own sanity. Divorce may be the only way. But certainly I would not come off birth control in your shoes, I'd also keep a close eye on my own contraception just in case there's a chance of someone messing with it and leaving you even more trapped. By the way I'd be looking at a minimum distance of 10 miles from in-laws but preferably at least 50! If he refuses your only option is to walk away, because it won't get better.

Totaly · 30/07/2023 22:25

Can you move out alone?

I couldn’t live with DH parents or even mine come tot hat, you need to spread your wings and enjoy some freedom before you get truly stuck in this situation. Once you have children you’ll lose your ability to increase your salary.

Original poster
Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:30

Discussed all this prior to marriage.. hence my unhappiness! Agreed it would be a 1 year stay to say up for a deposit, which we have, however there has been no movement on the house searching & his conversations/train of thought keep changing with his suggestions to now try for baby, then move out AFTER having a baby, whilst in the same breathe saying how useful it would be to remain here with his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:35

I agree, when houses on the same road as his parents has been suggested I have given a firm NO. For some reason it's acceptable to be close to his parents, but not halfway between so we are near mine too.
I have said to him if he wishes to live here forever he needs to be honest and tell me now, and I have threatened that I will get my own property or if needed move back to my parents. Our relationship is amazing, we have been together for years and discussed life after marriage prior to even being engaged.. however since being married all our conversations beforehand appear to have gone out the window and now I feel like a miserable cow who is constantly crying, and feel in an extremely shit mental state which is causing arguments which are constantly about the same thing - inlaws & living here!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2023 22:36

So he’s reneged on all of the things you agreed on before marriage.

Sounds like it’s time to reassess your marriage.

TeaKitten · 30/07/2023 22:37

Time to get out of this ‘marriage’ asap, do not have kids with this man.

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2023 22:37

Our relationship is amazing

No, it’s really not.

PearlHandle · 30/07/2023 22:37

AIBU asking to move out and have our own home before trying for a baby & not coming off birth control till we do?

I think you would be unreasonable to continue with the marriage at all.

You aren't happy so I don't see the point in staying married. He's not going to become a different person if he lives somewhere else.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/07/2023 22:39

Yeah, I would be leaving that marriage. It's never going to work.

CuteCillian · 30/07/2023 22:40

Is there anyone in his community whom he looks up to who has broken away from the 'living with parents' situation? I would approach them, and say you would appreciate them having a chat with your DH to point out the advantages of having one's own space.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 22:41

You will find that one day your pills will have gone missing, the parents have conveniently gone out and he wants sex.

This is no way to live and certainly not a good environment to raise a child in as you know full well that baby will constantly be taken off your hands and you will be solely used as a milk machine to feed the baby.

It's not going to get better. He lied to you.

Get out while you can.

JenWillsiam · 30/07/2023 22:41

You need to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 22:42

Op, you made a massive mistake in marrying this man, and it really is ok to openly admit it. He fed you a pack of lies and you sadly, naively believed him. Thankfully, this is a mistake you do not have to live with, and thank fuck you don't have children with him.

Please, gather your things and leave him, tomorrow. If your parents will have you back, absolutely jump at the opportunity and kindness. Get a divorce and start anew. Don't squander your life in this nightmare.

Thavic · 30/07/2023 22:43

I have personal experience of this. You need to move out. ASAP. Do not have a child until you have moved out and lived with him for a decent amount of time.
There is a 90% chance he thought he would just tell you that eventually you can move out without the intention to ever follow through with it. He assumed you would either forget it or would feel like too much of a hassle to break up over a move. He probably doesn't have the backbone to actually tell his parents that he needs his own space. There might also be a misplaced sense of responsibility on his shoulders. The concept of shame and bringing dishonour is also a big thing parents use to control the kids.
Don't have a kid until he follows through with you getting your own place.
Make sure you are financially independent too.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 22:44

Our relationship is amazing

Fucking hell, op, it is not amazing. A man who loves and respects his wife would never force her to be so fucking miserable. He only cares about what his parents think. Your marriage is a sham.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/07/2023 22:45

Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:35

I agree, when houses on the same road as his parents has been suggested I have given a firm NO. For some reason it's acceptable to be close to his parents, but not halfway between so we are near mine too.
I have said to him if he wishes to live here forever he needs to be honest and tell me now, and I have threatened that I will get my own property or if needed move back to my parents. Our relationship is amazing, we have been together for years and discussed life after marriage prior to even being engaged.. however since being married all our conversations beforehand appear to have gone out the window and now I feel like a miserable cow who is constantly crying, and feel in an extremely shit mental state which is causing arguments which are constantly about the same thing - inlaws & living here!

He’s basically conned you into marrying him with false promises that he has no intention of keeping.

The relationship you thought you had may have been amazing but the one you have isn’t.

If he doesn’t respect you enough to stop his parents walking into your bedroom unannounced then he’s certainly not got enough respect for you to move out like he agreed.

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 22:45

This sort of cultural arrangement only works if you both want it and clearly you don't.

He's gone back on everything he said before he married you, so I would definitely be looking at leaving and obviously not bringing a baby into the shit show.

Chichimcgee · 30/07/2023 22:46

What culture is expected to live with their parents forever, I think you should remind him of the agreement and start looking for a place do your own. He likely won’t come with you though

User5641 · 30/07/2023 22:48

Leave now! This sounds horrific. It's not going to improve. You deserve happiness.

Thavic · 30/07/2023 22:48

This replies might seem extreme to you OP but please take them seriously. Years down the line you might just be wishing you had listened. Honestly, I mean this 100%, give him an ultimatum. Either he moves out with you or this is it for your relationship. It won't work otherwise.

Pashazade · 30/07/2023 22:49

I think it's ultimatum time. One month to start finding a flat to rent halfway between the parents or you will be moving out and serving divorce papers. He's strung you along in a truly unpleasant manner. I couldn't cope with what amounts to marrying you under false pretences. Good luck.

toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 22:51

Did his parents know about you before you got married? Is it a legal marriage?

DojaPhat · 30/07/2023 22:51

How committed is he to following his cultural norms if he was flexible enough to choose to marry someone outside of it? This isn't you and your husband versus his overbearing parents, this is you on your own having an insight into your life as destined by them. Run.