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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living with in-laws but want my own home to start a family AIBU?

95 replies

Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:17

I am married living with DH parents. I am struggling mentally, emotionally and physically. I am from a different culture to my DH and do not speak his native language (I have tried) which means I am unable to communicate with his parents who speak limited english. I feel trapped and confined to our bedroom, I do not feel at home and have tried to settle here for 1.5years but still remain unhappy which my DH knows. He wishes for us to remain here as culturally he is expected to live with his parents for the rest of his life, so the mention of us having our own home he is guilt tripped by in-laws. Me on the other hand, I want my own home, sanity, privacy, and a s*x life (which is minimal thanks to listening in laws who also do not respect not walking into the bedroom without permission)! We have spoke of kids, but I cannot bring myself to come off birth control knowing how unhappy I am, and how interfering his parents would be especially MIL who already tries to baby and mother my DH and undermine me as a wife. my husband thinks living here to have children is the "correct" thing because his mom can care for our baby - I disagree as I will be mom, and do not feel comfortable at the thought of my MIL taking over my role criticising me/raising my child. AIBU asking to move out and have our own home before trying for a baby & not coming off birth control till we do?

OP posts:

Rathouse · 30/07/2023 22:53

I think people need to remember culture is a huge thing and it's largely why it's not working. Honestly I'm just awaiting your update OP

Alesto · 30/07/2023 22:53

Don't get pregnant whatever you do. Get out now before you get really trapped.

He's a liar who misled you before you were married. He doesn't care that you are so unhappy you cry every day. He doesn't respect your views at all. If he can get you pregnant the noose will get even tighter. It sounds as if you can afford to live independently, so do it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/07/2023 22:54

He has married you under false pretences, he's not strong enough to risk disappointing his parents when you should now be his priority
If you don't leave now, this will be your life forever, your DH will be expected to support his DP's and you will be expected to care for them

Rewis · 30/07/2023 22:57

Start looking for your own place. Withe rhe follows you or he doesn't. But this relationship is not worth your mental health. You've agreed to a year when you got married. You've kept your end of the promise.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 23:00

Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 22:35

I agree, when houses on the same road as his parents has been suggested I have given a firm NO. For some reason it's acceptable to be close to his parents, but not halfway between so we are near mine too.
I have said to him if he wishes to live here forever he needs to be honest and tell me now, and I have threatened that I will get my own property or if needed move back to my parents. Our relationship is amazing, we have been together for years and discussed life after marriage prior to even being engaged.. however since being married all our conversations beforehand appear to have gone out the window and now I feel like a miserable cow who is constantly crying, and feel in an extremely shit mental state which is causing arguments which are constantly about the same thing - inlaws & living here!

In what way is your relationship amazing?

He's backtracked on your discussion before marriage. He's not listening to you now. And he won't move.

You have two choices - stay or go.

I know which one I'd make

Original poster

Strugglingwifex · 30/07/2023 23:03

Thanks for the advice I agree, it is ultimatum time because I cannot continue like this. He feels the weight of the world on his shoulders keeping his family happy, and then trying to keep me happy - however fails to notice the fact I am unhappy. He isn't traditional at all, but in-laws are. He says he wants a home with me, but then says opposite things another day. It is his choice, save your marriage and get our own home (which does not mean live on the same road) or sadly ending the relationship so he can live alone with his DPs hopefully regretting his decisions.

OP posts:

WaltzingWaters · 30/07/2023 23:03

Oh gosh, do not have kids with him. His mother will completely take over.
He sounds like he wants to live with his parents forever. And even if you do move out I’m sure his parents will still be completely overbearing, and he’ll let them be/won’t stand up for you.
get out whilst you can.

HopityHope · 30/07/2023 23:05

That sounds horrific. I couldn’t live like that even for one week.

You need to tell your DH to choose you or not. If he chooses his family and culture then you need to move out. Please don’t get pregnant. I’m sorry he has changed what was promised.

You do not have an amazing relationship with someone who wants you living as a maid for your entire life, no privacy and no conversation.

shams05 · 30/07/2023 23:06

He's made you all the promises you wanted to hear but on the other side he's probably reassured his parents that you'll both be staying with them forever which is why he's now breaking all his promises to you.
Please don't have children with him until you've moved out or not at all if he stands his ground.
I know someone in a similar situation who 3 years down the line feels really stuck as they now have a baby and she feels stuck between a rock and a hard space.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 23:07

Don't waste even more time with pointless ultimatums. He knows you want to move out, he simply doesn't care and he's never going to cut the cord with his family. What you need to be happy doesn't register with him.

Even if you did move to your own place, you would still be enmeshed with his parents controlling nearly every part of your lives. They would be involved with everything because your husband is a weak, ineffectual man.

Just get the fuck out. You can't possibly leave fast enough.

M103 · 30/07/2023 23:07

Don't have a baby with him. If he is not moving out of his parents ' house now, he most definitely won't after the baby arrives. And it will be far more difficult for you to leave him with a baby. I think the best thing to do now is to move out yourself and divorce him. If it feels difficult now, it will be even more difficult later. If you are unhappy now, you will be even unhappier after the baby arrives. Just leave now. Your husband has shown he cannot be trusted. Don't trust him anymore.

Starlightstarbright2 · 30/07/2023 23:08

He has an ingrained culture / he fears the consequences of not following that culture .

I would also leave . I would also be unhappy in this situation - can you go home to your parents for now ?

you don’t have a great relationship - he doesn’t even know how unhappy you are or try and improve things .

AHugeTinyMistake · 30/07/2023 23:12

He wishes for us to remain here as culturally he is expected to live with his parents for the rest of his life, so the mention of us having our own home he is guilt tripped by in-laws

Because you'll be expected to fetch and carry for in laws and care for them when they get old. That's why the eldest son lives at home. So his wife becomes the carer. You know this. The only chance of saving your marriage is to move - go back to your parents. If he follows, you have a chance.

TiaraBoo · 30/07/2023 23:16

Just here to say if and when you state your ultimatum, you need to then follow through otherwise you will be living in limbo with this spineless man.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/07/2023 23:17

You really should move out. Can you go and stay with your parents ?

littlebitmermaid · 30/07/2023 23:27

Hi OP, I was in a similar position and managed to convince then husband (both of same culture but his family was more "traditional") to move out but the problems did not end and if anything got worse as in-laws took it as a slight and we had to put up with constant emotional blackmail. Then husband also manipulated me into thinking that he had done me a huge favour by not living with his family. I put up with it for nearly 6 years (thankfully did not have a child) and ended the marriage.

Best decision I ever made. I'm not happily married with someone compatible with the cutest toddler.

These people use "tradition" to control and manipulate women. Are you financially independent? If so, speak to a lawyer and get out while you can.

littlebitmermaid · 30/07/2023 23:29

littlebitmermaid · 30/07/2023 23:27

Best decision I ever made. I'm not happily married with someone compatible with the cutest toddler.

These people use "tradition" to control and manipulate women. Are you financially independent? If so, speak to a lawyer and get out while you can.

*now happily married I meant to type. Excuse the typo.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 30/07/2023 23:44

Move back in with your parents straight away and put some time and space between you.
Start to look after yourself and your well being.
If he wants to make it work he will realise you are serious about not living with his parents and will work with you to find a home you are both happy with
If he still wants to live at his home then there is your answer - you have no future with him.
if you give him an ultimatum he will discuss it with his parents, make you feel bad and might even give you more false promises
Get out of the environment first and then talk with him

Yolo12345 · 31/07/2023 00:14

Dear, pack a bag and go to your parents. Your happiness is more important

Gymnopedie · 31/07/2023 03:18

Thanks for the advice I agree, it is ultimatum time because I cannot continue like this.

Don't even give him an ultimatum, tell him you're leaving and mean it.

Remember all his grand words before you got married? That he clearly didn't mean? Any response to your ultimatum will be met with the same empty words. Suppose you get your own house. He moves his parents in (I'd bet my shirt on it) but them tells you you can't complain because you got what you wanted - your own house.

He's too enmeshed with them and he has no intention of not being. A house of your own won't solve anything.

MintJulia · 31/07/2023 03:53

TeaKitten · 30/07/2023 22:37

Time to get out of this ‘marriage’ asap, do not have kids with this man.

This. You need to get out now or your life will consist of watching your children raised to your MIL's rules, and then when they become elderly, you being expected to care for them.

You've been lied to and manipulated. Your dh puts his mother's needs before yours which is untenable. You need to separate, but I don't think your dh will change his mind if you leave.

Kitkatcatflap · 31/07/2023 03:56

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2023 22:37

Our relationship is amazing

No, it’s really not.

I agree with Merry. It really isn't.

ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 03:58

Not sure what the amazing part of all this is?

In laws probably don't even want you there and will happily trade you for someone from their culture who will fit in (do what they want)

Are you legally married or just religious?

Leave. Ideally he will join you but quite possibly not

Ponderingwindow · 31/07/2023 04:12

If he balks at starting seriously house hunting immediately , just start making plans to move. It should be someplace you can afford solo, either buying or renting doesn’t matter. Just find a place you can live, make the arrangements, and get out. He can either join you or not.

Oomph · 31/07/2023 05:48

Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant. You’d be well and truly trapped

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