Living with in-laws but want my own home to start a family AIBU?

[Strugglingwifex]

I am married living with DH parents. I am struggling mentally, emotionally and physically. I am from a different culture to my DH and do not speak his native language (I have tried) which means I am unable to communicate with his parents who speak limited english. I feel trapped and confined to our bedroom, I do not feel at home and have tried to settle here for 1.5years but still remain unhappy which my DH knows. He wishes for us to remain here as culturally he is expected to live with his parents for the rest of his life, so the mention of us having our own home he is guilt tripped by in-laws. Me on the other hand, I want my own home, sanity, privacy, and a s*x life (which is minimal thanks to listening in laws who also do not respect not walking into the bedroom without permission)! We have spoke of kids, but I cannot bring myself to come off birth control knowing how unhappy I am, and how interfering his parents would be especially MIL who already tries to baby and mother my DH and undermine me as a wife. my husband thinks living here to have children is the "correct" thing because his mom can care for our baby - I disagree as I will be mom, and do not feel comfortable at the thought of my MIL taking over my role criticising me/raising my child. AIBU asking to move out and have our own home before trying for a baby & not coming off birth control till we do?

Sounds like the life of a young teenager, not an adult.

I'd be running as there's nothing to look forward to here, no progress, no building a new life .. just flogging and stretching out what has gone before under the concept of old fashioned culture.

Sounds boring, really boring.

You sold your independence for this deal of security - a room, a ring, etc - but lost your choices and ability to have your say and others listen and react to your words

You got a bad deal.

The custom is there from times when there was no welfare state and you would be expected to care for them until they die. If that's not what you want then you must get own place between your parents and his.

You need him to choose you and your future family , if he doesn't then you know that he never will and you need to move on, go back to your parents, divorce and get your own place.
Do you work?

Fraudulent, only word to describe this. It is unlikely to change. His parents are perpetuating the customs of their upbringing. They won't allow him to change because that would be admitting they were wrong. (Even if the home country has now modernised)
The advice up-thread about contraception is sound. Similarly it is a good idea for you to move savings and depart without notice.

Don't have a child until (unless!) you can move to your own place. Yes it's helpful having some support with childcare, but this is more likely to be a complete takeover!

I suspect your DH is coming under a lot of pressure / emotional blackmail from his parents (relentless when you are living with them!) - he must have known that was going to happen but that doesn't make it easy when it does. They may well decide to cut contact/ try to turn other family against you both (hopefully all will be forgiven when grandchildren come along!) - so you will need to be strong and stick together. If there are concessions you feel you can make (e.g. regular visits) then suggest them to try and help.

But at the end of the day you will need to stick up for yourself - the reality of living with in-laws can be difficult even if you grew up expecting to do so, and many who planned to do this do end up moving out. You have given it a good try and it isn't working. It's sad that your husband may have to choose between you and his family but he must have known it might come to that when he chose to marry you - he needs to make that decision and if he wants you, he needs to stick up for you even if that means going against his family's wishes.

OP, what is the situation with your savings? Can you access them?

You should move as far away from your in laws as possible.

Even if they are an hour away they are going to be overbearing and demanding. Your husband has shown he will throw you under the bus to placate them and that is a hard dynamic to shift.

He's watched you feel miserable. He's lied to you. He's ignored what you wanted and reneged on a promise to you.

If you love him and want to be with him, then insist on moving far far away and starting a life of the two of you.

Can you go back and live with your own DP for a while to get space and time to reflect on things? Removing yourself from your current situation might give you some clarity.

Living with inlaws requires a lot of compromise. You discussed it beforehand and agreed to a year. Your dh keeps changing the goalposts and he is the problem. You need to be clear with him that you will walk if nothing changes and actually follow through. Living in a joint family can and does work for many people but it helps to be from the same culture in the beginning and communication is key. As you can't speak their language it's bound to be hard. I don't think ypur marriage is going to work longterm.

Run for the fucking hills. Speaking from bitter experience.

Double up on your birth control and get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Why on earth would you consider having kids with this man, who won't ever stand up for you?

I'm glad to hear your situation has been similar to my experience. I spoke with my DH, he has agreed we can start to look at places to rent immediately in the meantime whilst house searching. We took a lot of time speaking yesterday about the issue and strain on our relationship this has had. In long-term where his parents are of an age where they require support I would open my doors but use your granny annex idea!

let me guess. The guy is Indian/Pakistani

RUN. This will only get worse.

From the same culture and agree with this post. Run.

Great that things are in progress, but it’s set some dates.
If you’ve not been to an a state agent by the end of the week.started viewings next week/seen a mortgage advisor next week etc then you know he’s just stringing you along into you are pregnant and promise yourself if the dates are missed you’ll leave

great update - he’s at least listening.

now he’s said it, get moving, don’t wait for him to book to see properties, show him some and book some viewings.

Prepare for shit to hit the fan once they realise you are planning to move out. Expect them to suddenly become really nice to you or give you lots of shit.
10x emotional manipulation, abuse and waterworks on your way. stay strong

Your post has brought me out in a cold sweat OP. Please whatever you do, don't have a child until this is resolved, if it can be. As another poster said, take care your contraception is not tampered with.
Your DH has trapped you by being dishonest, and for me that is a deal breaker in itself without the awful living conditionsyou are expected to put up with. His DM feeling free to come into your bedroom!!! Please!
Find yourself somewhere to rent. Do it now. If he moves with you and that is what you want fine (though I would not want to stay with someone so dishonest and manipulative), but the chances are he will not follow you but prefer to stay with his lovely DM - that will tell you all you need to know about your marriage. Please end this situation. Now.

He’s already lied and lied and conned the OP. That’s why she finds herself in this position.

I’d believe nothing this man says.

I have experience with this. One year turned into two, turned into five, turned into ten. It's much, much harder with children believe me. The only thing that worked was finally moving out with my children, separated for a year. It really made him realise what he missed and cemented my seriousness. We got back together and are much happier without living with his overbearing mother.

Love this. And agree 100%