Living with in-laws but want my own home to start a family AIBU?

[Strugglingwifex]

I am married living with DH parents. I am struggling mentally, emotionally and physically. I am from a different culture to my DH and do not speak his native language (I have tried) which means I am unable to communicate with his parents who speak limited english. I feel trapped and confined to our bedroom, I do not feel at home and have tried to settle here for 1.5years but still remain unhappy which my DH knows. He wishes for us to remain here as culturally he is expected to live with his parents for the rest of his life, so the mention of us having our own home he is guilt tripped by in-laws. Me on the other hand, I want my own home, sanity, privacy, and a s*x life (which is minimal thanks to listening in laws who also do not respect not walking into the bedroom without permission)! We have spoke of kids, but I cannot bring myself to come off birth control knowing how unhappy I am, and how interfering his parents would be especially MIL who already tries to baby and mother my DH and undermine me as a wife. my husband thinks living here to have children is the "correct" thing because his mom can care for our baby - I disagree as I will be mom, and do not feel comfortable at the thought of my MIL taking over my role criticising me/raising my child. AIBU asking to move out and have our own home before trying for a baby & not coming off birth control till we do?

Boy do I know how you are feeling! Same situation but his mum came to live with us, as it is expected of him from his country and she is a widow. I was ok with it because it is the right thing to do (imo, third world country and DH only child) she came like a queen, I am THE mum, I am special. I tried to be nice to her and treat her well (lost my mum at 18) but no, she wanted control of the household and not do anything. Poor DH in the middle but almost always on my side (dude is AMAZING) I felt bad because I could see her behaviour for what it was, extreme insecurity (new country, her language not spoken at home) the funny thing was we reversed the role with DH, while I was depressed and upset at the start after a few years, I took it for what it was, she lived with us and no choice about it but DH was going mad by the end, she is quite miserable and negative (absolute opposite of me ) and he couldn't take it anymore, told her to ether go back home or find something here. She now live 5 min from our place and DH is much calmer. So, speak to your husband, seat him down! Restaurants or somewhere really just the 2 of you, why not tell him that perhaps you should buy your own place big enough for them and you (fancy granny annex?), it will make him feel like he provides for his family and change the dynamics for you. You are very smart to not bring children in the mix if the situation is not resolved because that would complicate everything. Also do not expect his parents to change anything, older generation (from third world country)really struggle to change anything you will break yourself trying.

Well done OP for staying in the birth control. You have your head screwed on.

I agree with a pp - just go back to your parents. Don’t even try to talk to your DH yet. He is manipulating you, and bullshitting you and is minimising your concerns. He won’t think an ultimatum is really an ultimatum because he isn’t respecting you.

Go back to your parents and try to fix the relationship - if you want to - from there. That’s likely to involve you both going to marriage counselling to get some support on understandings boundaries. And quite basic things about your entitlement to privacy and some control of your environment.

But first you need to stop talking and start taking action. He doesn’t respect you talking.

Sadly I agree to the other posters. Sadly your husband is a poor partner and is lying to you.

Also you should take all precautions not to get pregnant because, once you do, your situation will be so much worse with your interfering in-laws and a weak, unsupportive husband.

Do you have your own, sole bank account? I'd really suggest you transfer half of what you've jointly saved into an account your husband can't access (login/password) or you may find your ability to purchase your own, private home, disappears if your access to joint funds is removed.. And yes, if you have somewhere else safe to live (your own parents?) move there to show your husband you mean what you say and that divorce will follow if you are not both truly on the same page. 🌹

He sounds like a man child with an umbilical cord still connected to his mother. Don't have a child you will be trapped, suffocated and will not enjoy motherhood.

Leave that house. Leave your hopeless husband. DO NOT get pregnant.

Another saying move to your parents. Don’t even discuss it or give him an ultimatum - move out and tell him once you’ve gone. Tell him it’s obvious he lied to you to get you to marry him. So he can move in with your parents too while you buy a house of your own, but you won’t move back into his parents house and if that’s not ok, then you need to start divorce proceedings.

you were lied to, he might have believed the lie he was telling but it was a lie.

This is my idea of a living hell

I live a twenty minute car drive from PIL and that's close enough

I suggest you leave one way or another, certainly don't have a child in this situation

You need rock solid contraception.

Your DH doesn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders, he’s a spineless shit who has everything tickety boo - gets to tick “good son” box whilst his wife gets the shitty end of the stick.

If I were you I’d be moving out sharpish, with my half of the savings. Yes, I know it’s not necessarily that straightforward, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

I rarely say leave, but you need to leave. He has no intention of finding a home for the two of you, and as for the in laws just walking into your bedroom , just no! If you had a child MIL would take over, you will become more depressed to the point of life being meaningless. If you try to separate then, he will want to keep the child because MIL says so.
Whatever he promised before marriage was never going to happen, not with MIL calling the shots. Leave now, while you have your sanity.

Run.

Even if you move out he will not cut his ties with his parents and will let them interfere in everything.

What is your husband culture and yours.

He needs to marry someone from his own culture by the sounds of it.

I'd be off.

Do not have a baby, once you have his child you will be trapped forever, leave for your own mental health otherwise you will have children and be there forever and even more unhappy.

Just start house hunting. It will soon become apparent if you are looking for a family home or somewhere just for yourself x

Do you work OP? Can you move out on your own or go back to your parents? It's time to pull the trigger.

Marriage is not an alter on which you sacrifice your life and dreams.

Your relationship isn't amazing. He's lied to you about your future. You can split now and get on with your life, in a relationship eventually with someone who respects you and sees you as an individual and an equal or you can carry on the path you're on and become a shell of yourself, ruled by your husbands family with absolutely no control over your family or your future.

Firstly OP do you have any fear or concern for your safety if you suggest separating/divorce. Please reach out to support groups in your area and keep yourself safe

It is quite obvious you had made a mutually financial choice to stay with his family and save money for a deposit on your home however one would assume his parents have been whispering and have changed his train of thought.

You say you come from 2 different cultures and as such I think you really need to be smart here.

Make sure any money you have saved is protected and you can access without his consent or at least vice versa. I would then pack a bag and go and stay with your family/friends for a week as actions speak louder than round and round arguments.

Then meet on neutral ground and have a proper discussion with timelines

I live a 2min drive round the corner from my inlaws....my mother leaves a 3hr drive away, we have a young child and I have made it abundantly clear we will be regularly visiting her and making sure there is space in our home for her to visit us. My partner works remotely so we pack up his PC and drive across country.

I will say having recently had a baby I do think that it's what the mother needs during that time that comes first, you want your family they come first (and I do not mean exclude his) you really need to know he will stand up for you with his family and support your choices in parenting especially when after 2 weeks your left holding a baby.

Really decide the life you want and take the necessary actions to work towards that, which sadly may mean divorce. He is a grown man and you entered into a contract of which is he trying to change the terms...

Leave the marriage.

He's moving the goal posts- you can't trust him

You need to start looking at houses on your own.
Trust me he won't budge until he sees that you sre serious.
Book viewings and go on your own and be prepared to move out on your own if meed be. He won't change

There are some men who think marriage means 'she's signed the contract, I can do whatever I like now, she'll never leave'.

I suggest you take half of your joint savings. Go to your parents for a few weeks. Ask him to meet and discuss a way forward. Ie divorce or a break from his parents.

You must feel like you're going crazy! For God's sake move out of there. You will never be happy with his family and he doesn't sound like he has a spine.

Remember in his ideal world you would live with his family whether you are happy or not. Your happiness is not paramount to him. He puts his parents first and then himself. You are last on the list.

He is absolutely very traditional- he's going along with it!

He's your husband, he's a grown man. He should not be preoccupied with pleasing his parents at this stage of life.

The reason for the son living at home is so the DIL can be the unpaid servant- he's conscripted you for a life of service without your consent.

He's absolutely done you dirty here, and you need to get mad.

Take half the savings and leave.

Yeah, leave.

The alternative is that you accept that you will always come last in the dynamic - if you have kids, your MIL gets to take over and boss everyone around and play mum, then once she is infirm, you get to care for her. Brilliant for everyone bar you. Your DH does have a choice in thins- he wouldn't accept this if the situation was reversed.

Good luck!

Say you're going to look at houses in your parents street, see how fair he thinks that is.

You’ve been conned OP.