To explain to you how OCD feels

[Juno999]

Obviously each sufferer experiences it differently. However mine manifests in the form of repeated, obsessive thoughts, that run through my mind all day long, and appear out of nowhere.
I have a partner I've been with for a few years, and one day my brain decided to repeat the phrase 'I don't love you anymore'. Over and over again. No basis for it whatsoever, no relationship is perfect but this just came out of nowhere. I knew I loved him and still do but it's like my brain was forcing me to think this and say it in my mind, almost like a ritual .
I'd be trying to have a conversation with him and the words would be running through my mind over and over. It was so upsetting and made me question everything. It was completely debilitating and because of the nature of it I didn't feel like I could tell him.
I found some very helpful support online and luckily managed to 'snap out' of that. It comes back very occasionally but I'm able to control it now. However it lasted non stop for 4 months.
This has happened to me with other things, and it's totally at random. Just imagine any word whatsoever, anything bad, like murderer, child molester,racist etc.
The OCD will make you worry over and over that you're one of these things, even though there's no proof you are and you know you're not. Then, you'll start to feel awkward around all people, children, elderly, whichever group it is. You'll hear the words over and over again and it will run through your mind all day.
I still suffer this and I do access online support, but it makes me suicidal sometimes.
I've been incredibly stressed over finances, and have had a lot of self esteem issues and these things have triggered it. I get ways to control it but it comes back every now and again, and the only option I feel sometimes is suicide. I don't want to, I want to live but I can't cope with the obsessive thoughts and voices sometimes.
I'd be interested to hear from any other sufferers, or just any support as it's incredibly lonely and I'm also incredibly ashamed of it. It's another form of OCD that less people are aware of, many people associate just OCD with obsessive cleaning for instance.

Realised this is possibly not the best thread for this, I should've had it posted in mental health.

My OCD also manifests itself in obsessive thoughts, but mine are in the form of catastrophes happening to loved ones. So for example I will suddenly imagine that one of my daughters has a terrible accident, and I will visualise it in great detail. I had a lovely day out with my youngest the other day and we went our separate ways to catch our trains home as we live quite a long way from each other. As I was standing on the platform waiting for my train I had a sudden thought flash through my mind of her falling off her platform in front of a train. It was extremely distressing. I have had CBT for my obsessive thoughts some years ago and I now try to do some positive inner talk to myself about how the thoughts are not real life and will not actually happen. I didn't tell the therapist the extent of my obsessive thoughts though as I was worried that she would be horrified!

It can be exhausting when these thoughts strike as I have to really focus and give myself a silent talking to. I think the type of OCD that I have is called Pure O. It started after I had my first daughter 40 years ago. I do wonder whether it was triggered by a traumatic birth as I nearly died.

I also have intrusive thoughts that my relationship going to end because my partner doesn't love me, even though he has given me no grounds to think this. I sometimes have to stop myself from ending the relationship to stop the hurt. I would never tell anyone in real life about these obsessive or intrusive thoughts as I would worry that they would think I was mad.

I am really sorry to hear that. I also felt ashamed, and still do, we really shouldn't though, it's not our fault.
I hope you can access more support..

@Juno999 Thank you for your reply. No-one who knows me would every guess that I have these thoughts as I keep them to myself. I'm not sure where I would go for support as it is now very difficult to get any form of counselling or support from the NHS in my area. But your post has prompted me to do some research into ways of managing Pure O. I wish you all the best. x

Juno, you can report your own post and ask for it to be moved to a different board.
My DD has pure O too - she's had CBT which has helped. It's an exhausting condition but can be managed.
I think it's poorly understood, so I understand your reluctance to talk - the obsessive thoughts often zero in on really taboo subjects which makes it even harder to talk about.
Go to your GP as a first port of call - there is support out there and finding other people who understand will be really helpful. My DD has a few friends who also have OCD albeit which manifest in other ways, it makes understanding why you're late or get weirdly stressed over small things, etc, without having to explain why.
You have more control over this than it might seem at your lowest points.

I have Pure O too. Fortunately managed ok with Citalopram. It's so exhausting when it's really bad having these thoughts over and over and over again. I can be sitting in a chair for hours and get do tired and my husband can't understand why I'm so exhausted or can't engage in conversation or snap out of it.

Yes I used to be really bad. I would recommend anyone who hasn't already seen it watch "Pure" a channel 4 comedy drama about a young woman with intrusive thoughts. I just can't find it at the moment.
I'm a lot better than I used to be but I have good days and bad days. I think you'll find it's much more common than people think. I've spoken to lots of people over the years that have similar intrusive thoughts.

DD has OCD. Its a vile mental illness and I recognise much of what has been written above. I can only empathise.

Thank you so much. It's such a relief to hear I can have control. I'm going to speak to my GP about citalopram.

Thank you for sharing this. My dd 17 has this I think. She has thoughts she can’t control and refuses to share them as she’s so worried about them, even though I’ve said I know they can be disgusting but if you share it might take the wind out of their sails sort of thing. She says they go on and on and it’s exhausting trying to ignore them and sometimes she has to pretend to agree/accept them and then they can stop eventually. She also gets very stressed about homework and revision but is actually doing very well academically but I’d rather she was more average and chilled out. There has been the odd day she couldn’t go to school, it’s like she just can’t get going. Then it’s like crisis point and I’m going to insist we go to a therapist and then the cloud has gone the next day and she’s fine!

any insight into strategies that might help with the thoughts would be great. She used to spend ages straightening her bed and having everything just so but laziness has redressed the balance there which I’m happy about- glad to see a slightly messy bedroom! She doesn’t have the checking / routines things but she sometimes can’t read because of the thoughts taking over.

Also really sorry for other sufferers

NC so I can post without it all being linked, as I don't think I've told anyone the extent of it either.

I hate the intrusive/obsessive thoughts. It's always something I don't actually think either. I remember when my partner's grandad fell ill, and his mum was giving us an update on how he was, and my brain just went "I hope he dies". I didn't, never had, and he was one of the family members I got on best with, I definitely didn't want anything to happen to him.

This thread has brought back the idea to talk to my GP about control methods or even medication, as I'm sick of it and have suffered with it for as long as I can remember. I'm also autistic with ADHD and GAD, sometimes I'd just like a new brain to be completely honest. I have no idea what it feels like to be mentally healthy and don't think I ever have, as far back as I can remember.

Mine was like the above and I didn’t know it was a “thing” when it first flared up as a teenager so I thought I was just a terrible person. It was a relief to realise for me it was essentially a stress response. I’d have to do all sorts of things that popped into my head to “stop” the horrible thing happening - hold my breath, balance on one leg, it was exhausting.

I started repeating “no, I don’t agree with that” firmly and just once (otherwise repeating would just spiral) and clearing my thoughts. I also reassure myself I’m not a terrible person for thinking these things, it’s just an anxiety response and once I’ve accepted rather than continuing to fight against it subsides. If I try to think and rationalised my way out of it, it’ll just make it worse as I’m feeding the stress.

It hasn’t been out of control now for about 30 years and I’m actually glad I’ve experienced it in some ways because I’ve been able to speak to the DCs about it and have recognised certain behaviours which I think has helped them.

In general psychiatrists and psychologists specialising in OCD think that people with this sort of OCD (I’m one of them) do have compulsions. The compulsions could be trying not to think about the thoughts, neutralising the thoughts through words or counting for example, avoiding people and places, continual rumination on whether you are a ‘bad’ person or not.

CBT works well for OCD - with this type as with any it will tackle your response (compulsion) to the thought.

Also meds - SSRIs work well and if not a low dose antipsychotic seems to help alongside the SSRI.

I would recommend OCD-UK for support, plus books Break Free from OCD and Everything you wanted to know about OCD. Great, practical books by dedicated experts including Paul Salkovskis and Dr Lynn Drummond.

OCD-UK has an online free conference with so much helpful information.

It’s a devastating illness but people can and do recover.

Thank you so much.

Yes, the Pure O is thought to have compulsions too, but mental ones like trying to stop the thoughts or solve a problem or do enough research to find an answer to an unanswerable question, etc. I found CBT really helpful, but had to pay privately. It took a lot of work and a long time, but I can manage it now with the help of SSRI Citalopram. I still get thoughts, but find it much easier to ignore them now. I have relapsed a couple of times, so I'm not sure it will ever go completely.

Ah I have found my people.

It's awful. Honestly mine is so bad at the moment.

Mine was largely triggered by the birth of my child. Although thinking about it I come from anxious parents so always been a little... strange! I had pretty bad post natal anxiety. I just had awful intrusive thoughts. They were exhausting.

I had CBT and seemed a bit better. It taught me that by worrying about these thoughts I was the complete opposite to a "bad person" but was in fact a "good person". It taught me that intrusive thoughts are NORMAL. My obsessing over them was not right though.

Eventually I took Prozac but didn't love it. So weaned off it.

My biggest thing is I don't drive. I'm scared I could cause an accident. I used to circle back all the time and have a panic attack every time I passed a pedestrian or cyclist. So I don't drive at all now which is a massive shame.

Had more kids and each time symptoms came back worse.

Sometimes I record things in my phone as like a reassurance thing. So I can look back and check "yeah I did deffo shut the pack of washing tabs so my kids won't get to them" what a weirdo!

Now... I'm in a bad patch and a bit funny about food for example. I'm exhausted. It takes me ages to leave the house and i don't love being alone. I guess it's all the reassurance thing and I know from cbt you need to "face the fear" it's just so hard though.

I think I'm perimenopausal and that is making it worse. Chatting to dr next week to get on top of it all.

On the plus side, I hide it well. Even my family don't know the full extent. Kids are oblivious, they just think I am not a good driver. My mum wonders why my house isn't spotless if I'm OCD. sigh, I wish it were that simple mum.

And on the flip side, I am great at work. I work in a highly regulated industry and barely make mistakes like others. I am always getting told I have good attention to detail... yeah that's cos I check things a lot and double check etc.

My OCD was

"your family are all going to die in a horrific car crash if you can't run up stairs, wee and run back down before the kettle has finished boiling."

But I also used to get intrusive thoughts like you OP.

Mine is ruminations and catastrophising.
And also what if/not trusting myself. So I've broken doors and windows by checking hundreds of times.
It's a horrible illness.

My son has this, intrusive thoughts, and a constant need to do the same thing over and over again. Constant checking,counting etc.It's very tiring/wearing for all of us. He's currently waiting for therapy and has just been referred. It's taken months to get to this point. I feel if he hadn't been referred; if I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel I think I would also be seeking assistance from psychiatric services.
I hope you get therapy, and all of the other posters. It's so sad.

My DD15 has this and is just about to start CBT with ERP (privately, because CAMHS is rubbish).

It's taken ages to find out what's bothering her, and find her appropriate help, because she does her best to hide it, even when she was very clearly suffering from something. Even now she won't say what her intrusive thoughts are, and only very vaguely what they're about.

I think that feeling like you need to hide it because it's shameful in some way (or too painful) is actually part of the condition, and this allows the condition to get worse and blocks the sufferer from getting effective help. Even a PP was saying that they hid their intrusive thoughts from a therapist, because they were worried the therapist would judge them... IT'S A THERAPIST! They have heard it ALL before, and they know it's part of the disorder! But this is the disorder at work, protecting itself by convincing you that these thoughts only happen to you personally, that you are in some way responsible for them, and that they must be hidden at all costs because (insert any justification here).

Echoing the recommendation for ocd-uk given above. They have a great section on how to find a good therapist, too.

My heart goes out to all those suffering from this.

Hi op, I had the exact same theme and thoughts as you regarding my partner a few years ago. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I had been feeling anxious leading up to it, then one day I had the thought and it felt like “combined” itself with a wave of physical anxiety. And from that moment the thought would just repeat and repeat, I felt extremely physically anxious and just could not function properly. And felt SO ashamed and that I couldn’t reveal these thoughts to anyone because they’d just say well maybe he’s not the one for you (which I knew wasn’t true!) it honestly feels like there are two sides of my brain during a bad patch. One side repeating these awful thoughts. The other side either trying to neutralise them, but also thinking why can’t I get control of this!?? That’s how it felt to me. It feels like there must be a connection missing in my brain to be able to dismiss certain thoughts. I read a lot of books on the subject and decided to take up running, and I think this helped to burn off some adrenaline and help me to regain control (not really sure how it worked!!) im equally fascinated and horrified that my brain periodically does this to me.

I’ve had other themes throughout my life. When I was younger I had counting/tapping rituals but then also episodes where it was just distressing thoughts. Aren’t we the lucky ones!!! 😦

When I've heard of horrific people in the news like Jeffrey Dahmer, Ian Watkins and so on my mind will say 'what if that's me?" Over and over, even though I know it isn't and it's irrational. But it's soul destroying. Thank you for all the advice .

Sorry you are suffering with this too OP. Mine tends to come as horrible thoughts of terrible things happening to the people I love. The images are so detailed and graphic and I then have to do a certain 'task' to make sure it doesn't happen, normally check the locks on the door 3 times of check the cooker and all the plugs are off 3 times etc. I once went to counselling for it but didn't really find it helped much. I was much too embarrassed to tell the therapist my other symptom which is the constant sentence that my brain tells me all day every day like you describe. I've never told anyone in real life as I worry they will think I'm crazy or an awful person but if I ever have a vision of something terrible happening I have to repeat the phrase "f**k you "my full name" you stupid whore everybody hates you so f##king much". I normally have to repeat it three times in a row and on some days I need to do it 50+ times so I'm normally saying it to myself most of the day. It makes me feel really crap about myself but I can't stop my brain from needing to say it.