To explain to you how OCD feels

[Juno999]

Obviously each sufferer experiences it differently. However mine manifests in the form of repeated, obsessive thoughts, that run through my mind all day long, and appear out of nowhere.
I have a partner I've been with for a few years, and one day my brain decided to repeat the phrase 'I don't love you anymore'. Over and over again. No basis for it whatsoever, no relationship is perfect but this just came out of nowhere. I knew I loved him and still do but it's like my brain was forcing me to think this and say it in my mind, almost like a ritual .
I'd be trying to have a conversation with him and the words would be running through my mind over and over. It was so upsetting and made me question everything. It was completely debilitating and because of the nature of it I didn't feel like I could tell him.
I found some very helpful support online and luckily managed to 'snap out' of that. It comes back very occasionally but I'm able to control it now. However it lasted non stop for 4 months.
This has happened to me with other things, and it's totally at random. Just imagine any word whatsoever, anything bad, like murderer, child molester,racist etc.
The OCD will make you worry over and over that you're one of these things, even though there's no proof you are and you know you're not. Then, you'll start to feel awkward around all people, children, elderly, whichever group it is. You'll hear the words over and over again and it will run through your mind all day.
I still suffer this and I do access online support, but it makes me suicidal sometimes.
I've been incredibly stressed over finances, and have had a lot of self esteem issues and these things have triggered it. I get ways to control it but it comes back every now and again, and the only option I feel sometimes is suicide. I don't want to, I want to live but I can't cope with the obsessive thoughts and voices sometimes.
I'd be interested to hear from any other sufferers, or just any support as it's incredibly lonely and I'm also incredibly ashamed of it. It's another form of OCD that less people are aware of, many people associate just OCD with obsessive cleaning for instance.

@hazelnutvanillalatte ditto! Its deliberating and consuming. Waking in the middle of the night worrying about them! I've set up a support thread on the MH board if you and @Zerodarkforty and anyone else would like to join

I can’t go on the mental health boards as I find it such a trigger! The irony 😩

I have OCD and mine manifests as an inability to make decisions. Like you OP this massively impacts relationships as I am always considering leaving. I also absolutely hate the stereotype that people with OCD are obsessively tidy, as I live in total chaos as to throw something away involves a decision, which (in my head) might have ruinous consequences. When colleagues joke about 'being a bit OCD' because they have a beautifully organised desk, it makes me want to scream into my mile high mounds of clutter.

@Zerodarkforty do you want to set one up and ill join?

I wouldn’t know how! I’m useless, sorry 😔

Could we just chat on here?

Certainly! Are you taking any medication? Can you also self refer to talking therapies?

@AndresyFiorella I hope you have some irl support, it sounds tough!

Im scared of medication and have a huge fear of side effects.

The talking therapy I had last time recommended stroking soft fabrics and sniffing essential oils. Ffs 🤦‍♀️ Think I’m way too far gone for that love!

I eat clean and exercise every day. I work full time and I’m a single parent. My bf doesn’t understand OCD and anxiety. He try’s to support me in his own way.

I feel like perimenopause is really making things worse at the moment. I’ve been on HRT for 8 months but don’t feel it’s helping.

@Zerodarkforty im om fluoxitine and propranolol I've had no side effects. I think I need a higher dose though! What kind of thoughts are you having if you can share?

That therapist sounds useless. Id try and self refer again and ask about cbt

I have a deep seated fear about getting a serious mental illness/ going mad. I’m frightened of lots of food if I haven’t cooked it or seen it be prepared etc incase it’s been spiked. General health anxiety too.

How does yours manifest?

Limerence is often linked to OCD thoughts too.

I’ve not heard of that 🤔

@Zerodarkforty i definitely have health anxiety but around my ds. I completely understand the worry with food too. I can relate a lot. Most of my thoughts these days are worrying about ds and that something has happened when it hasnt

It’s so exhausting isn’t it! I think because I look “normal” on the outside, no one would have a clue what is really going on inside my head every day. Thank god for work as it’s a huge distraction.

@Zerodarkforty it is exhausting! My friends and family know now as I struggle to hide it. One of my friends is a nurse so im constantly ringing her for advice around ds and his health! I wonder if soon she will get fed up with me

Oh I do the exact same thing with a family member 🤦‍♀️ Thanks to ChatGPT I do that a lot less now as I use that as an alternative! Probably even worse!

She might not be able to say the things out loud. My OCD was very very clever. It told me if I told anyone what I was thinking it would make that thing happen - my husband's arms would get cut off with a machete, my sister would break her neck.

OCD is absolutely fucking devious. I think of it like a chronic illness. I will periodically need counselling and medication, and there are 'triggers' that can set me off in a very bad way (stress, the birth of my first child had me approaching psychosis), but you can learn to live with it.

Hormones definitely make it worse.

I’ve had periods of time where it wasn’t a huge problem and I dare say I had a relatively normal life, albeit short lived 😂